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  #11  
Old 06-25-2013, 03:54 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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OP,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Your post literally made me feel a little ill. I know you must be in a lot of pain right now. Try to hold off on any major decisions until you are more level headed.

The primary/secondary thing is not something I like to begin with, but in your case, I would just find it insulting.

Can you find a sitter for your daughter for a few days so that you can get your head straight. I am willing to bet that family she is suddenly showing the new bf off to will understand when you tell them you need some time.

How is she handling the new beau in relation to your daughter?

Also, it sounds like your gf is very sweet and understanding. If you are poly, you are poly. Unfortunately, it sounds like your wife is not. I would be prepared for how you will react if the new bf doesn't work out and she decides to come back.
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  #12  
Old 06-25-2013, 04:01 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zappafreak View Post
We got into poly as a way to round out our marriage.
This probably concerned me most. Using poly to "fix" a relationship, well, it might work, but not in any cases I've seen. I don't mean to blame you, but I'd hate you to get your heart broken again.
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  #13  
Old 06-25-2013, 04:04 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by Flowerchild View Post
This probably concerned me most. Using poly to "fix" a relationship, well, it might work, but not in any cases I've seen. I don't mean to blame you, but I'd hate you to get your heart broken again.
I have to agree. in my case, amazingly, it did help heal our relationship...but i think that was a very rare instance. it didnt mend things by givign me or him an outlet we didnt have before (though it did that also) but by making us stronger and more connected as a couple, i can see it having the opposite effect. Also, my spouse got to know my bf well and theyve become friends, and im working on forging a relationship with his wife. i think everyone being able to play nice is a big deal
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  #14  
Old 06-25-2013, 04:15 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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OP, I am really sorry that you are hurting. From what you said, you and your wife got in to poly as a way to "round out your marriage." Is it possible that she was unhappy with the marriage and used poly as a way to meet someone to replace you? I apologise if that sounds cold or hurts to even think about it. People do cling and hold on to relationships that they sometimes need to let go of, but they choose not to do so until they have someone else lined up.

If your wife comes back, would you really want to take her back?. At five weeks in, she is introducing this person to the family and all that. That is fine for her. My concern is your daughter. Is five weeks even long enough to obtain a background check on someone? I am not a fan of the whole NRE-is-why-I-left-my-spouse-and-broke-apart-my-family crap. No amount of great sex, lust, or so-called love is enough for me to put my children through a painful divorce and custody dispute. I do not think you were being unrealistic in wanting to insure that your child had enough time with mummy and daddy. If mummy was gone x amount of days out of the week and daddy was working and seeing the girlfriend when he was home, when did she have time to see both of you? Children needs should come first.

Are you poly? You may or may not be. I would not worry about that right now. Take some time to heal and wrap your head around all that has happened. Distance yourself from your wife and only deal with her when it comes to your child. Avoid saying anything negative about her in front of the child. Keep your emotions out of it if you have to see her. I wish I had more words of comfort, but nothing I say could possibly make you feel better. I truly am sorry, though.
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  #15  
Old 06-25-2013, 04:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you are hurting.

BREATHE.

Could start from the first floor on up. Do your self care and take care of basics first -- get sleep, eats, take care of the kid.

Could work your way through Maslow needs one chunk at a time. You don't have to do them all in one go.

While I don't agree "sex" is a basic first floor thing, could still start with the other first floor basics and then move up to safety things. When you get to thinking that level out -- secure the joint finances into "his and hers" so you aren't left up shit creek in the transition time because she withdraws it all. She seems to be making fast/rash decisions.

Make mediation/divorce lawyer appointments, etc. Try to be as reasonable/sane as possible -- your kid needs you to.

Look after your wellness dimensions --

BODY: If you need a check up, need help sleeping, see your doc.
MIND: Try to make time for destressing things like your outdoor fun.
HEART: feel whatever it is you have to feel. Let it blow on through even if some feelings stink to be feeling.
SOUL : I'm not sure what you do for spiritual health, but do it. Maybe it's the nature walk thing, or you have a minister to talk to or journaling or art or music... try to make the time to tend to your spirit. You seem in poor spirit right now.

Your wife wants to divorce.
Your GF is supportive, but concerned what that might mean for the future.
You are worried about the future and forming new polyships.

All understandable... but how about worrying about things in time order, one hour at a time? One day at a time. One week at a time. Through that lens... preparing for divorce comes next. Wife already moved out -- figure out your divorce laws in your area.

Worry about your status with the GF and what your next polydating life will be like when you actually arrive at that stage. You might have the capcacity for polyshipping, maybe even the desire for polyshipping... but is this the TIME to start new polyshipping? Nope. It is not the time for that stage.

There's other stages to get through first that require your attention right now.

Hang in there.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-25-2013 at 05:00 PM.
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  #16  
Old 06-25-2013, 06:56 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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My sympathies, Zappafreak... I also agree with those who say it's not worth worrying about whether you're poly or not at the moment. It's time to regroup and take care of yourself and your child.

That said, and I hate to sound like a paranoid person, but please try to protect yourself if this does go into divorce proceedings. On other boards, I have read more than a handful of times about one spouse leaving the other for their new BF/GF, only to serve divorce papers accusing the other of adultery (and smearing their reputations as cheaters, if they weren't public about their poly relationship).

I recommend holding on to as much evidence as you can that this was a mutual arrangement. If it comes down to an accusation of adultery, you have something to fight back with.

Again, I'm extremely sorry you're going through this. Take some time for yourself and your child, and hang in there...
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  #17  
Old 06-25-2013, 10:48 PM
SEcondary SEcondary is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
So sorry to hear this OP, it truly does suck and like others have said, perhaps now isn't the time to worry about being Poly, just take the time to recover. xx
According to some on here her new guy can't love her more than you. Love is always the same strength. So they think. So that should be good news for you and your wife.
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  #18  
Old 06-25-2013, 11:22 PM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SEcondary View Post
According to some on here her new guy can't love her more than you. Love is always the same strength. So they think. So that should be good news for you and your wife.


Huh?????

That sounds a bit harsh, don't you think? If you have an issue with "some on here" do you not think it should be taken up with them in private? and not put it here on this thread.

Last edited by nancyfore; 06-25-2013 at 11:25 PM. Reason: Edited grammatical error
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  #19  
Old 06-25-2013, 11:54 PM
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Aery Aery is offline
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Yes, me too, Boring guy... I don't really know peeps around here. And maybe I'm reading into Z with not a little my own past experiences, maybe too close to the bone... and people do need to "reality check their motives and all... how it never is just about the offending party, and somehow get to some kind of forgiving place for your own sake.... as seems sort of covers real rage... but really found Marcus's post invideous character assasination. This is the best you offer?... and praise for brutal "Headhunting?"
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  #20  
Old 06-26-2013, 12:22 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aery View Post
Yes, me too, Boring guy... I don't really know peeps around here. And maybe I'm reading into Z with not a little my own past experiences, maybe too close to the bone... and people do need to "reality check their motives and all... how it never is just about the offending party, and somehow get to some kind of forgiving place for your own sake.... as seems sort of covers real rage... but really found Marcus's post invideous character assasination. This is the best you offer?... and praise for brutal "Headhunting?"
I see my name in this post but truly have no idea what it is saying.

Aery... what?
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