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  #21  
Old 06-25-2013, 06:54 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
You really might want to find someone who has the high octane need for constant attention that you do.
right? but i love him, so either I try my best to tone it down, or he gets sick of me. hopefully i tone it down And I did appreciate all your earlier remarks
(ps, im being extra anxious today because we are getting together with our spouses tonight and im nervous)
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  #22  
Old 06-25-2013, 06:56 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
What do I think?



You could also ask him if he is willing to be working toward a co-primary shape thing or not. You also have to ask the other player's willingness to participate in a coprimary model -- your DH.

I think you are not willing to ask BF about the co-primary shape thing because he might say he's not up for that because it means him spending more of his time with you. (Not sure where your DH might fall from your post. Not sure on your willingness to ask DH about co-primaryship model from your post.)

Basically you will either decide to

a) Leave it how it is and deal with not liking not knowing.

b) Let go of the want to know

c) Ask BF (and DH) the things you want to know so you can know

It's up to you. You can always ASK. Each may or may not to be willing/able to meet the request but the asking part? That's on you to decide to do.

Neither one can mind reader you.

Galagirl
Thanks Galagirl. He and I have discussed it, at length actually before i got into poly (long story..ive liked him for a while) and he was always up for i too, thoguh this was before we knew his wife was on shakey ground with us being together, so im trying not too bring it up too much. DH seems to be ok moving towards co-primary, but i dont want to rush him. Is it possible to be co-primary with someone whos married to someone else?
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  #23  
Old 06-25-2013, 07:02 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
You really might want to find someone who has the high octane need for constant attention that you do.
I agree with Marcus.

Your constant need for attention would push people like me away. I do not need to share every little bit of my life with someone. My boyfriend is like me thank whomever your deity of choice is. We do touch base daily with each other but most days it is a few quick text messages before he heads into work. Sometimes it is just a quick i love you text and I wont hear from him for 24 hours. But then again we do get a lot of time together face to face. I do have about as close to a 50/50 time split between my men as I can get with Murf 's schedule.

My husband can be an emotional vampire. He needs to talk about every little itty Bitty thing. It drives me insane. I actually love it when he is in nre with someone because I get some peace and quiet. I love the man but damn can he talk. And he loves to BS with people.
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Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
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  #24  
Old 06-25-2013, 08:00 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I agree with Marcus.

I do have about as close to a 50/50 time split between my men as I can get with Murf 's schedule
see, id love even a 60/40 (spouses/us) time split, and we have no where near that. like i said, pretty much 6 hours a week if you go down to hours (im saying this for conversation sake, i dont nit pick every hour we spend together) so since i cant get more time, id like a little more talk. I have an anxious attachment style (if you read and are in to that kind ofthing) you cant so much change, as try not to drive your partners crazy.
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  #25  
Old 06-25-2013, 08:08 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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[QUOTE=Dagferi;211805]I agree with Marcus.

Your constant need for attention would push people like me away.QUOTE]

Im just curious, why did you guys figure I have a constant need for attention? Because I said i am anxious? or because i DO want more attention from him?
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  #26  
Old 06-25-2013, 10:46 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
see, id love even a 60/40 (spouses/us) time split, and we have no where near that. like i said, pretty much 6 hours a week if you go down to hours (im saying this for conversation sake, i dont nit pick every hour we spend together) so since i cant get more time, id like a little more talk. I have an anxious attachment style (if you read and are in to that kind ofthing) you cant so much change, as try not to drive your partners crazy.
That's where being with someone who is mono comes in handy. I am Murf's only partner so I get the lion's share of his free time. He works a crappy shift. One week he works Sun,Wed,Thurs. The following week Mon,Tue,Fri and Sat. 12 hour shifts. 6p to 6a. On his days off during the week I will spend a night overnight. On his weekend off I am with him Friday to Monday. If my husband is off work I go solo. If he is working then the boys come along. Since it's summer I get more time with him since no one has school to worry about. Murf also comes to spend the night here. I do not have to worry about someone else's schedule. Murf has never been married and has no children. Lives by himself owns his own house.

I just came home from an overnight visit with my kids. This weekend Butch is off so we get a weekend to ourselves. Only once every 6 weeks does their schedules line up. My husband gets the his days off when Murf is working to see whomever he is seeing at the time.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #27  
Old 06-25-2013, 10:51 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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[QUOTE=gorgeouskitten;211819]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I agree with Marcus.

Your constant need for attention would push people like me away.QUOTE]

Im just curious, why did you guys figure I have a constant need for attention? Because I said i am anxious? or because i DO want more attention from him?
He seems like he does talk to you. You do get to talk with him at work. He does speak with you outside of work I am sure. It is not his job to make you feel secure or entertain you.
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40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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  #28  
Old 06-26-2013, 05:09 AM
london london is offline
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Notice that the people that feel you require extraordinary amounts of attention also think that one partner had next to no responsibility for meeting another partners needs. I used to think like that, so unless a person naturally behaved in a way that met all my needs, I'd dump them, simply because I didn't want to pressure them to change. Guess what though? Some of those guys wanted to meet my needs, the things I required weren't things that would mean they had to change the essence of who they are and had they known that x would have made the difference for me, they would have given me x willingly. I let some good people go because I didn't want to make my needs, their needs. Of course there is a balance, a happy medium, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to find it.
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  #29  
Old 06-26-2013, 01:18 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
Notice that the people that feel you require extraordinary amounts of attention also think that one partner had next to no responsibility for meeting another partners needs. I used to think like that, so unless a person naturally behaved in a way that met all my needs, I'd dump them, simply because I didn't want to pressure them to change. Guess what though? Some of those guys wanted to meet my needs, the things I required weren't things that would mean they had to change the essence of who they are and had they known that x would have made the difference for me, they would have given me x willingly. I let some good people go because I didn't want to make my needs, their needs. Of course there is a balance, a happy medium, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to find it.
very good input london!
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  #30  
Old 06-26-2013, 01:19 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
That's where being with someone who is mono comes in handy. I am Murf's only partner so I get the lion's share of his free time. He works a crappy shift. One week he works Sun,Wed,Thurs. The following week Mon,Tue,Fri and Sat. 12 hour shifts. 6p to 6a. On his days off during the week I will spend a night overnight. On his weekend off I am with him Friday to Monday. If my husband is off work I go solo. If he is working then the boys come along. Since it's summer I get more time with him since no one has school to worry about. Murf also comes to spend the night here. I do not have to worry about someone else's schedule. Murf has never been married and has no children. Lives by himself owns his own house.

I just came home from an overnight visit with my kids. This weekend Butch is off so we get a weekend to ourselves. Only once every 6 weeks does their schedules line up. My husband gets the his days off when Murf is working to see whomever he is seeing at the time.
This sounds fantastic, good for you!! Im trying to put my big girl pants on and let things get more cozy as time goes by, i think if i chill i will eventually get a bigger split with BF, i love him like hell and can wait for it
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