Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 06-25-2013, 03:59 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,308
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
I have formed a habit of reminding myself in my head that my partners love me regardless of where they are, what they are doing, or what mood they are in.
Focusing on the solution is the right way to go. If a mantra helps you then keep doing it; I lean on my mantras sometimes as well and it can be helpful. Abandonment, fear of being alone, whatever the correct name is the goal should be to become self-reliant when it comes to your own feelings (and in general, for that matter).

This isn't just I am an advocate for autonomy in general but because it has a very practical effect on relating. If you are self reliant then when your partners give you their time and affection you can be confident that they are doing it because that's what they want to do - not just to avoid having to deal with you having a panic attack. It encourages a more genuine form of relating.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 06-25-2013, 04:01 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 364
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
. You have to acknowledge that he needs something different to you too, though, and that means sticking to not being in contact every single day, all day. Every other day sounds reasonable to me. You also have to accept that often, it might be just a short message of acknowledgement rather than a full conversation. Compromise on both sides.
Well we do have minimal interaction every day, we work together. so we have at least 5-10 minutes a day for the hi how are yous. i guess i desire a little more than that, at least a 30 min convo every couple days, or more so before a long time apart (like next week). I restle with really wantign my guys as co-primaries, if we were to use labels, because i could interact and associate with him on the same level as my spouse but that isnt really where we are at right now
__________________
keep on keeping on
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 06-25-2013, 04:02 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 364
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
F

This isn't just I am an advocate for autonomy in general but because it has a very practical effect on relating. If you are self reliant then when your partners give you their time and affection you can be confident that they are doing it because that's what they want to do - not just to avoid having to deal with you having a panic attack. It encourages a more genuine form of relating.
i like this, and is something i struggle to remind myself of. i'll have to re-read..perhaps post it somewhere. lol
__________________
keep on keeping on
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 06-25-2013, 04:06 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

It's very difficult when you have a goal like making your relationship with him the same as you have with your spouse. You need to accept that even if you could marry, live with, breed with and share practical entanglements with both people, your relationships will still look different, because they are with different people. I'd stop focusing so much on that and let your relationship naturally develop. I'd be uncomfortable with someone trying to emulate a relationship they already have with me. It would not make me feel uniquely special to them and all that stuff.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 06-25-2013, 04:09 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 364
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
I'd be uncomfortable with someone trying to emulate a relationship they already have with me. It would not make me feel uniquely special to them and all that stuff.
I hear you, i guess what i meant to say was that i desire a spouse like relationship with him...not the exact relationship i have with my spouse.
__________________
keep on keeping on
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 06-25-2013, 04:18 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 364
Default thanks

Also, i really appreciate you all helping me relax. sure, i should be able to do it on my own but its a work in progress. (im sure my BF thanks you too )
__________________
keep on keeping on
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 06-25-2013, 04:25 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,210
Default

What do I think?

I think you have two things:
  • You seem to want time set aside for deeper connection with BF.
  • You seem to want a co-primary shape relationship with BF and DH.

While you work together with BF, that's work time, not bondy emotional intimacy or mental intimacy time that you seem to crave. You would like to "speak daily, tel each other whats on our minds, what we have going on, or just discuss current events more often" with your BF than you currently do.

You are wondering how to cope with feeling unhappy you are not getting this with BF by pointing out to yourself that you do get it with hubby. I don't think the need for close connection is "to get it in general (from anywhere and anyone)" because if that were so, you wouldn't be posting. If your DH could top you up in your "I want close connection to BF" bucket you wouldn't be struggling.

You could ask BF if he is willing to make the time to share close connection or not. Then you could KNOW. I think you are not willing to ask BF at this time because you perceive that he's protective of his time and might say "No, not willing to do that."

You could also ask him if he is willing to be working toward a co-primary shape thing or not. You also have to ask the other player's willingness to participate in a coprimary model -- your DH.

I think you are not willing to ask BF about the co-primary shape thing because he might say he's not up for that because it means him spending more of his time with you. (Not sure where your DH might fall from your post. Not sure on your willingness to ask DH about co-primaryship model from your post.)

Basically you will either decide to

a) Leave it how it is and deal with not liking not knowing.

b) Let go of the want to know

c) Ask BF (and DH) the things you want to know so you can know

It's up to you. You can always ASK. Each may or may not to be willing/able to meet the request but the asking part? That's on you to decide to do.

Neither one can mind reader you.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-25-2013 at 05:03 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 06-25-2013, 04:41 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,308
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
i struggle to remind myself of. i'll have to re-read..perhaps post it somewhere
You and me both.

Quote:
Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
Also, i really appreciate you all helping me relax. sure, i should be able to do it on my own but its a work in progress. (im sure my BF thanks you too )
This is actually a valuable thing to realize. Folks who have a higher need for connection than others need to figure out how to get this taken care of. Hobbies, multiple friends, online discussion forums... whatever it takes.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 06-25-2013, 05:36 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 364
Default update

ahh...just took a twenty minute walk with him, and just that did wonders. I'll have to work otu making sure we have a lunch every couple days between our nights, and if we dont trying to relax. and more sex. thats the next step
__________________
keep on keeping on
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 06-25-2013, 06:01 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,308
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
ahh...just took a twenty minute walk with him, and just that did wonders. I'll have to work otu making sure we have a lunch every couple days between our nights, and if we dont trying to relax. and more sex. thats the next step
You really might want to find someone who has the high octane need for constant attention that you do.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:01 AM.