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Old 06-25-2013, 12:08 PM
zappafreak's Avatar
zappafreak zappafreak is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Seattle,WA
Posts: 22
Default wife has left me for her boyfriend

My wife of 15 years started dating a guy about 5 weeks ago. He was very good for her in many ways, and I was happy for her, but then she started seeing him a lot. We talked about scheduling, and I thought we had things under control, but she just kept pushing boundaries. The main reason for the scheduling is that we have an 8yr old daughter and I felt that she wasn't getting enough family time.

I travel quite a lot for work, and last week when I was out of town... she had told me she wouldn't see him more than a few times. I was getting concerned as she seemed to be getting completely lost in him. Our communication while I was gone was dropping off, normally she would talk to me quite a lot through text and all, but it turned out she spent 4 days in a row with him. I was upset by this, because she was losing her focus on us...and on the 4th day (I was still out of town), when I pressed her on the situation, I get this text...

I still love you and I want us to stay best friends, but I don't think I want you to be my husband any more.

This was just over a week ago (actually Father's Day, nice touch). I have been struggling with this in a big way for the last week, trying very hard to get her to consider working on our marriage...but she has been adamant that this is what she needs. I tried to get her to consider that she was being swept up in NRE and this isn't the right choice...but she is sure that she is doing what is right for her.

She just moved out of the house 2 days ago, and the very first day she is introducing the new man to her family. I feel very left behind and replaced, and quite frankly...rather depressed about the whole thing. I am finally accepting that this is happening, and now I am learning how to deal with it.

My wife has told me that she decided she didn't want to be poly because she found such a fulfilling relationship with one person. My wife and I were certainly not perfect together, but we were far from bad.. and the love we shared with our daughter was very close and bonding for us. The main thing that drew us apart was that she has had many health issues, and I am an active outdoors enthusiast. I was finding myself resentful about this a few years ago, but in becoming poly and reaching out to other partners I found a good balance in my life. I never wanted to leave my family, and was never looking to replace my wife...but I think in her mind she feels that she has found someone that loves her more than I have and that was a better thing for her. I was happy for her, but I was very surprised that she went this direction. My worst concern was that she might be spending more and more time with him and want me to become a secondary. .. and I didn't know if I would be OK with that. In the end, I felt like I would be accommodating for many different scenarios if we could keep the family together, but she just wasnt interested.

As you might imagine, this has left me with a bit of confusion. We got into poly as a way to round out our marriage. Now that this is coming to an end, it makes me question if poly is right for me. I still have a GF that I love very much, and she shares in my activities as well. She is married, so I have limited time with her. She believes that I should try and find a new primary partner, but she is concerned that I will have trouble dating if I have to tell potential partners that I am already seeing someone. Additionally, she is concerned about the dynamic changing and her becoming less important to me.

I am very broken up over what has happened to my family. I am also very fortunate to have such a kind an understanding GF that has been helping me through these tough times. I just am not sure where to go from here...

Feeling a bit lost and unsure about what is important to me in relationships at this point. I haven't questioned things before now... but with my wife no longer in the picture, is poly still right for me?
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