Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 06-24-2013, 02:47 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MyHeartOverflows View Post
I appreciate the effort!!!
Marcus did all the heavy lifting on this one
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 06-24-2013, 09:39 PM
northhome northhome is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Western Europe
Posts: 173
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I can't seem to get my brutality focused on the right people...
Funny that. When people want it they can't get it, but instead you shoot innocent bystanders. Curious condition that
__________________
Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.

- Tao Te Ching
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 06-24-2013, 09:57 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,349
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
If the time isn't right for her to tell her husband, it's not the right time to date her. You love her, have feelings for each other, but you have already 'waited' 14 years. You and she can wait a little longer. I suggest telling her you love her, you will still be in her life, but you will not date her until she has talked things over with her husband explicitly.

I fear she is never going to find 'the right time' to tell her husband but it would be nice to be wrong.
this
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 06-24-2013, 10:06 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,349
Default

Long term consequences.

When considering your choices-consider the LONG term consequences. Not just what it feels like today.

In his shoes-how would you feel if...

In the future how will you feel about yourself if...
about her if...
about him if...

how will your husband feel if...

I like to consider what message I am sending with my actions-and that message isn't JUST being sent to the person I am dealing with. Your actions with her send messages to her, to your husband, to her husband. The messages are all probably different.

If trust, honesty and forthrightness are important to you and your husband-how will your actions be read by him-if you choose to partner with someone who isn't forthright and honest and trustworthy?

See what I mean?
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 06-25-2013, 12:24 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by northhome View Post
Funny that. When people want it they can't get it, but instead you shoot innocent bystanders. Curious condition that
No that's not correct. I just say what is on my mind. I treat everyone equally in that sense.

If you thought it was funny to say i "shoot innocent bystanders", then let it go on record that i think this was not funny and it isn't remotely true.

Back to the scheduled program now...
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 06-25-2013, 04:08 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 364
Default

my bf and i sort of went through this...he had to wait for me to broach poly with my spouse, and get him on board so we could have a relationship. But i never fobbed him off about it, i kept him current on my relationship with spouse, how it was going, the things i was saying. We are all now quite happy (though BF's wife actually turned out to be less ok than we'd thought! even though they were poly first). It sounds like your friend is not being this open with you, or the spouse. communication is key, the backbone of poly as far as im concerned
__________________
keep on keeping on
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 06-26-2013, 07:41 PM
willowstar willowstar is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 86
Default

OP, it is really challenging to dial it back. I have been doing my best to keep things reasonable with my OSO, because his wife just recently told him (like 2 weeks ago) that she is not comfortable with us having a romantic relationship. This is after she said we could hang out, and spend time together, she knew there was some physical contact (kissing, cuddling, even some below the belt kind of contact, etc.). We have been seeing each other twice a week for the last 6 months. And then when he goes back to her to see how we might be able to move forward, she in fact dials it back herself. She knows full well what she is asking of him, and it is unfair, without going into a whole lot of details about why.

He is currently deciding what to do about that. His relationship with her was not strong in the first place, and they have significant communication issues to overcome. In the meantime, we know that we cannot move forward with having a sexual relationship unless she changes her mind, or he chooses to leave the marriage. Which sucks. But is reality. As far as romantic goes, sorry honey, but those feelings are already here and not going away. I can only promise not to act on them. Her reasons are valid. She entered into a monogomous marriage with him, and that is what she expects him to adhere to. He is really just making plans to get out as gracefully as possible and hoping to not mess up his kids.

AS far as your former GF goes, it sounds like she may not have told her her husband some things from her past and she is concerned about his reaction to that. That is her choice, and she will need to decide whether she can go there or not. But if she cant even tell him that you "used" to date her long ago, then perhaps she is not really ready to have a poly relationship yet, with this husband. Does he even know that she is bisexual? That she had been poly before? Those are all questions that need to be explored.

Good luck to you. I hope it works out for you.
Willow
__________________
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming... ~ Dori


Willow ~ 44yo bi woman, married to Bear (formerly known as TB) for 18 years
Bear-Maybe poly/maybe mono straight man, still feeling it out
Armadillo (formerly known as BF) - currently out of the picture. Depression is evil...
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 06-26-2013, 07:55 PM
northhome northhome is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Western Europe
Posts: 173
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
If you thought it was funny to say i "shoot innocent bystanders", then let it go on record that i think this was not funny and it isn't remotely true.
I was metaphorically speaking (with a touch of irony) my friend. Relax.
__________________
Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.

- Tao Te Ching
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 06-26-2013, 11:47 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default Relax

Good answer.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:15 AM.