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  #311  
Old 06-20-2013, 02:03 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
In addition, even if one is the type who feels it is an identity and the way one is, doesn't automatically catapult one into multiple relationships. You can see yourself as a poly person and still live monogamously or have no relationships at all. There is a point where one chooses to enter into more than one relationship, or not, and everyone's path to that choice is different. I believe that is what the OP is asking about, not whether you see yourself as "wired" that way.
This is a good point.

I arrived at polyamory because of my worldview shifting toward a stance of absolute independence. I rejected the concept of monogamy as a traditionalist social trapping which had ceased to apply to me. I decided that free sexual expression (or lack of expression) was preferable and that slut shaming and sex negativity were not for me. I learned that applying a scarcity model to emotional love was broken, and that there were no limits to emotional intimacy but merely logistical constraints like time and energy.

With all of these ideals in play I pretty much defaulted to polyamory. I was with my monogamous wife at the time I came to this discovery. I didn't have any other lovers on the line and wasn't looking for any - it was a philosophical distinction, not a desire to have multiple romantic partners. Granted, the ability to have multiple romantic partners greatly appeals to me, but I am a person who requires a great deal of alone time and thus do not put much effort into building very many of these kinds of relationships. Add to that, these days I'm not interested in any relationships which are not basically effortless - and most people are dramatic, needy, controlling, disaster pieces... so there's that hindrance.
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  #312  
Old 06-24-2013, 06:35 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Default Missed the point of my post

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
There is a point where one chooses to enter into more than one relationship, or not, and everyone's path to that choice is different. I believe that is what the OP is asking about, not whether you see yourself as "wired" that way.
Even monogamous people choose to be in a relationship or not....and with whom in particular. But you really think you can make yourself be content, emotionally and sexually, with just one person?

There are plenty of people who consider themselves poly even while single. Are they not legitimate because they aren't "practicing"?
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  #313  
Old 06-24-2013, 07:01 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Nycindie didn't say people who aren't in multi relationships are not "legitimate", whatever that is supposed to mean in this context. "legitimate" means "legalized", so by that definition, nobody's "poly relationship" is "legitimate" since a person is only allowed to be legally married to one other person at a time.

I also interpreted the question asked in the OP the same way as nycindie. They aren't asking "why do you consider yourself poly"; they want to know why a person would "practice" nonmonogamy. To me, this is very similar to referring to "the poly lifestyle". I dislike that expression and tend to avoid responding to posts that i perceive as presenting nonmonogamy as a "project" or an underlying motivation that influences every other aspect of my life. I don't go around like, "may i see the poly menu" "i would like a seat in the non-monogamous section, please" "your server will be the single white monogamous redhead" "would you like a poly drink before you order your asexual meal?" "the poly service was very good, i shall tip 30% on the bill".

To answer your question: yes, i can "be content" with one person emotionally and sexually. I have been, and still am, content with both of my relationships, both people at different points in my life have been the "only" and i was content with either of them as i am with both, and with myself. I am not one of those people who feels like something is missing just because i have only one relationship. And i do not feel "illegitimate" by any means at all.
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  #314  
Old 06-25-2013, 10:28 PM
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Aery Aery is offline
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I really liked the remarks by Pepper. We've, through the years, at long intervals lived pretty mono sorts of lives, what with schedules, many moves to far places, raising children, what not, and it wasn't so awful. What helped overall was developing a vital-for-us authenticity about our desires/fantasies... Nourishing our intimate life... Hey I came from the early Jurassic Park period of Open/Poly relationships, involved in SF/Marin/Bay Area poly-community... starting with Deborah Anapol's "Intinet" get-togethers/poly potlucks and picnics. I'd bumbled along in various relationships, finding each partner's and mine tendencies towards non-exclusiveness. Yet more, it's been about the quality in relationship(s) over whatever form, and growing, things like making a home, family time, sharing and going through difficulties of all sorts, different friendships, separate things, adventures, good connection, even good arguments... together... I find having other involvements and the intensities all 'round are something I can't shake... But these other dimensions stay...
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  #315  
Old 06-26-2013, 03:07 AM
PaulDrakket PaulDrakket is offline
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Default Because it's awesome

I choose to be poly because I want to be free. I choose to be poly because it's awesome, and once you've experienced it, looking back over the fence is a dismal experience. Knowing that poly can be 'hard and complex' is not enough to stop me from wanting to love openly and freely. I won't deny what I want, and I'm totally willing to put in the 'work' (honest and open communication) to get it.
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  #316  
Old 06-27-2013, 03:42 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flowerchild View Post
Even monogamous people choose to be in a relationship or not....and with whom in particular. But you really think you can make yourself be content, emotionally and sexually, with just one person?
"Make myself" content? Like I would have to force contentment on myself?

"With just one person," as if it's a deficit to have "only" one relationship? Sheesh, how sad a statement is that!

All I can say is that it isn't the number of people I am in relationship with that determines my contentment and happiness. That is an inside job, not dependent upon others. And yes, I'd be perfectly happy and content to be in a monogamous relationship with the right someone. If I am happy and content with myself, then why couldn't I be happy and content with "just one" partner in a monogamous relationship, or with multiple partners in polyamorous situations? Furthermore, my being open to polyamory does not mean I need to go around and collect multiple partners just to prove to the world that I can live polyamorously. It just means that I am open to it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Flowerchild View Post
There are plenty of people who consider themselves poly even while single. Are they not legitimate because they aren't "practicing"?
I can't even follow your logic here, as it makes no sense to me. I said nothing about anyone being legitimate or not. Nor did I say that people who are not in relationships cannot "be poly," if that is what you mean. I was saying that even for people who do see poly as an identity or orientation, there is still a point where they choose to be in more than one relationship -- it doesn't happen automatically when one has this epiphany that they "are poly," after all - which was meant to answer your question to the OP about why they would even think that anyone could choose.


The point I was trying to make (which you missed entirely) was that you were making quite a pronouncement about all poly people when you, using the Royal We, stated quite emphatically that poly is "just something we are." In your experience, from your perspective, it may be "just something you are," and it seems you cannot fathom that anyone would consider it a choice, but I objected to your wording, because it came off as if you were speaking for all polyfolk.

The purpose of my post was to state that there are many, many "poly people" who do not see poly as an identity, orientation, or "just something we are." Those of us who feel this way do indeed choose to practice poly, choose to live polyamorously, or choose to embrace/be open to practicing it and living polyamorously. We can choose to be open to polyamory whether we are in one relationship, many relationships, or none. For many who do not see poly as an orientation or "wiring," it is usually viewed as simply a structure or approach to relationships -- not a personality trait. If I say "I am poly," what I am saying is "I am a polyamorist" - the "ist" suffix denoting an action I take, rather than "I am polyamorous" - the "ous" suffix denoting a state of being.

It's perfectly fine for you to say that YOU see poly as something YOU are, but you do not speak for anyone else, especially those of us who do indeed choose poly as a practice/approach/structure.
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-27-2013 at 06:47 AM.
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  #317  
Old 06-27-2013, 06:40 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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this is one reason why i describe my relationships as "non-monogamous" instead of "polyamorous". it describes what is relevant without implying all the subjective fluff about triads and families and Robert Heinlein and how every time you talk to someone it's a "relationship".

I don't have to waste my breath explaining what polyamory "is" and "isn't". I can just get right into answering the "but don't you feel baaaad when your partner is with someone else?"

Last edited by BoringGuy; 06-27-2013 at 06:42 AM.
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  #318  
Old 06-28-2013, 02:11 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by Aery View Post
I really liked the remarks by Pepper.
I don't see any Pepper?
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  #319  
Old 07-05-2013, 07:54 AM
Jac Jac is offline
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Default A lot of questions..

I've only recently found that I am polyamorous and I have a lot of questions, if anyone can lend me some advice.

Most importantly, I'm currently in a monogamous relationship that saw its first year only a month ago. How do I tell him? I don't want him to feel as if there is something wrong with him or as if he doesn't satisfy me, which is partially my fear of what will happen. I've just come to realize that I'm not happy with just one partner. I mean, I am for a time but then I feel as if I want more. My boyfriend makes me happy but I need more, how do I convey this effectively?

For right now, that's the most important question for me and I'm sort of freaking out.. I love him and I want to be with him, but I also need to concern myself with me. Thanks in advance..
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  #320  
Old 07-05-2013, 10:50 AM
JustUs JustUs is offline
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Have you talked to your boyfriend about your feelings? Has the topic of poly ever come up between the two of you in the past year?
Personally, I think it is much better to open up to him early on, then years down the road, especially if he is someone you see yourself with for a long time. You never know what his feelings or thoughts on it might be if you don't talk about it, he might actually be interested in the whole idea. Would you be ok with him having someone else, as well?
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