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  #1801  
Old 06-23-2013, 12:28 AM
Delphinius Delphinius is offline
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RP,

Mostly wanted you to know how much you're writing/talking things out through your turmoil and successes has been appreciated and that with many others your have our best thoughts and wishes for health and happiness.

LR's response in post #1766 in describing herself being like Mono: WOW!! (Truly thank you LR , it was really helpful to read as it turns out I've been feeling very much the same way and trying to come to terms with all that!!) It must be hard to find Mono may be only Mono to himself:/ Perhaps he fell in love with you and found you so attractive initially because you were never going to be full time. Not saying he's a bad guy; seems like he was being honest to himself even if not consciously so it makes sense that you didn't realize that. Plus hot sex & connection is hot, right?

There have been times I've been very perplexed in your reactions (ala NYCindie) in reading the frustrations of your feelings with Mono no longer being Mono but now with the latest postings it's more clear why and how you felt as you did in reaction to Mono and others.

Yes, Four years of NRE is amazing and disappointing to move past. (I wonder if so long lasting because it wasn't a monogamous relationship?) And now that that changed, its painful and hard and sucks!

So I would like to commend you for kind of going back to basics. Basics being that to be a good partner "worthy" of another partner we first have to love our self. Be full enough of our own self love and self confidence in order to be a good, loving supportive partner to someone else.

After reading the last few pages of your blog there seems to be a good reason why monogamy may be so attractive for foreseeable future.

Start with ONE GOOD, solid, strong relationship. If/when that one relationship is on very solid ground then a couple can perhaps open up? Maybe that's the starting point you're looking for?

Perhaps not... Know I haven't posted much but have been following and am very appreciative and supportive even if I don't always get it/relate.

Through it all wish you the best, health & happiness.
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  #1802  
Old 06-23-2013, 08:37 PM
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RP,

Mostly wanted you to know how much you're writing/talking things out through your turmoil and successes has been appreciated and that with many others your have our best thoughts and wishes for health and happiness.

LR's response in post #1766 in describing herself being like Mono: WOW!! (Truly thank you LR , it was really helpful to read as it turns out I've been feeling very much the same way and trying to come to terms with all that!!) It must be hard to find Mono may be only Mono to himself:/ Perhaps he fell in love with you and found you so attractive initially because you were never going to be full time. Not saying he's a bad guy; seems like he was being honest to himself even if not consciously so it makes sense that you didn't realize that. Plus hot sex & connection is hot, right?

There have been times I've been very perplexed in your reactions (ala NYCindie) in reading the frustrations of your feelings with Mono no longer being Mono but now with the latest postings it's more clear why and how you felt as you did in reaction to Mono and others.

Yes, Four years of NRE is amazing and disappointing to move past. (I wonder if so long lasting because it wasn't a monogamous relationship?) And now that that changed, its painful and hard and sucks!

So I would like to commend you for kind of going back to basics. Basics being that to be a good partner "worthy" of another partner we first have to love our self. Be full enough of our own self love and self confidence in order to be a good, loving supportive partner to someone else.

After reading the last few pages of your blog there seems to be a good reason why monogamy may be so attractive for foreseeable future.

Start with ONE GOOD, solid, strong relationship. If/when that one relationship is on very solid ground then a couple can perhaps open up? Maybe that's the starting point you're looking for?

Perhaps not... Know I haven't posted much but have been following and am very appreciative and supportive even if I don't always get it/relate.

Through it all wish you the best, health & happiness.
Thanks for this. Thanks to anyone who loves and cares for me enough to voice their opinions and thoughts about my life. Even if I don't always respond, I do read and take everything in. It's an honour to be written to here. I don't feel worthy, but its appreciated and I am humbled by the honour of support, and words of wisdom. I know sometimes I am confusing and inconsistent, but its all me figuring it out and attempting not to lose what little left I have of the life I built around myself. Its confusing, frustrating and sometimes pisses people off that I can't just snap my brain into poly glee and be okay with everything going on around me... that I can't seem to pull myself together enough to trust others, support others, be at the right place at the right time, know all that goes on even if I am not being told stuff, and do the right thing by everyone concerned. A really good and long conversation last night shined some light on all that and for that I am grateful for the opinion and apologetic that I have hurt others in my attempts to do what I need to for my own life.

Yes, Delphinius, Mono has said over and over again he fell in love with me partly because I wasn't available full time. I didn't realize it, fully. I thought perhaps after years it would change and he would eventually want to be with me and I with him. It hasn't changed, and in fact, he has become more sure that he does not want me as a full time partner and he doesn't want to be available to me in that way.

I'm glad that I have become more clear as I write. Perhaps its because the more time goes on the more I figure little bits out for myself. The more solid I become in my own life just for me and about me and the more the clouds in my head lift and light shines through. I don't think I am there yet, but I have progressed.

I don't know if my NRE with Mono lasted so long because of other relationships I had. I suspect that it did in that I was reminded over and over again how important it is to me that I had one that was my rock and place to come home to. Mono has been my steadfast true heart home in all of this. I love and loved many others and they were also my heart home, including PN but not in the same way. I tried to manuvouer myself into a position within my tribe that made me more comfortable and reflected where I am at more and in doing so at a moment when other things became evident (I thought that it was a good time to make changes amongst change already occuring, really I didn't think I could do it any other way) I created huge shifts to the point where our tribe seems to be something entirely different. Am I even part of it at all? I don't know at this point, but I stick around anyway. Or maybe I just see it as that? I am not sure yet.

One good solid relationship. Yes. That is what I am attempting. I am attempting that with Mono right now. It might be the most foolish thing I have ever done but I have to give it its due course and see where it takes us. I have to at least ask for that. If that doesn't work, if he really isn't interested, then I will attempt that with someone else. If someone else will have me in the state I am in. Right now, I know that in the midst of my pushing people away and pulling them closer at the same time, I am loved. Its the most vulnerable position to be in when I know that I am not making anyone's life easier in my distress and lack of clarity.

I am weary that this journey will not be what I thought it would be though and if that is the case then I will remain poly and date many people again. This time with a different attitude. One that reflects that I am looking for what I have with Mono. I can't deny that its likely that there will be few that match up, if any. Perhaps I will never find it at all. I could very well end up alone and face the biggest fear of my life. Maybe that is my destiny and has been all along. To be alone. Other women do it, so can I.
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Last edited by redpepper; 06-24-2013 at 03:51 AM.
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  #1803  
Old 06-26-2013, 02:16 AM
Delphinius Delphinius is offline
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One good solid relationship. Yes. That is what I am attempting. I am attempting that with Mono right now. It might be the most foolish thing I have ever done but I have to give it its due course and see where it takes us. I have to at least ask for that. If that doesn't work, if he really isn't interested, then I will attempt that with someone else. If someone else will have me in the state I am in. Right now, I know that in the midst of my pushing people away and pulling them closer at the same time, I am loved. Its the most vulnerable position to be in when I know that I am not making anyone's life easier in my distress and lack of clarity.

I am weary that this journey will not be what I thought it would be though and if that is the case then I will remain poly and date many people again. This time with a different attitude. One that reflects that I am looking for what I have with Mono. I can't deny that its likely that there will be few that match up, if any. Perhaps I will never find it at all. I could very well end up alone and face the biggest fear of my life. Maybe that is my destiny and has been all along. To be alone. Other women do it, so can I.
Would imagine, RP, that you're similar to me that in talking out loud or writing, in the case of your blog, helps you to think things though and get things in perspective. It's great that you created this blog to help you work things out and store previous thoughts & challenges. Really doesn't matter if anyone else gets it or is upset by it; Its your thoughts and blog

Wish you the best of having that one solid relationship with Mono, maybe even if he's still practicing poly? He's on his journey as we are and no one really knows where it'll all lead.

My situation isn't yet ideal, sometimes very day to day and my new 'life' has made me slow down and REALLY enjoy the good & special moments (or hours if we're lucky).

I also get the not wanting to be alone thing. When telling my ex-BFF (stupid hypocritical bitch ditching me supposedly in judgment but actually out of jealousy--ooo sorry, I digress) she said she was afraid I'd lose both men in my life and for the first time EVER I could envision being alone and being comfortable with it. I don't want to be, I enjoy coming home and talking about the day. But when she said that, I had this strong feeling that I'll never be really alone. I have my kids, two more now (so six total) from the new relationship, I have my extended family. Fewer friends currently but may have more later..... And I like feeling sexy; before I was married it seemed like guys liked that too, so I'm optimistic about finding someone else if/when wanted.

Turns out the silence is OK! Music, and supermoons and sunrises, and the beautiful mountains, the lakes and the oceans... those big pictures that remind us we're small and special. You'll find beauty and it will help fill you.

You care RP, its probably why people have always been drawn to you. Be strong and be kind to yourself, you're more amazing than you currently believe. You haven't done anything so horrible to not make you deserving of every happiness, kindness and enjoyment this life has to offer you.

My two cents anyway. I've lost some wonderful people who were waaaay too young to leave this world. It's made me bolder, and a little more selfish. I don't want to hurt anyone getting or experiencing more things in this life however I'm also (mostly) done with feeling guilty for pursuing what I want as long as I'm living up to my obligations and responsibilities.

Wishing you more of those lovely peaceful moments when you feel life is good, when there's some harmony & balance. Course they're all fleeting, this is the 21st century after all; everything today is fleeting!
~Delph
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  #1804  
Old 06-29-2013, 06:32 PM
Freetime Freetime is offline
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I'll always love ya beautiful. Just a fact. I've gone back and read a great deal about what you've been going through, and know what it is to feel as you do.

Trust. It's all about that one simple word. It exists or it doesn't. My ideal poly relationship is ti always have that one person I can come home to, who will love me, support me and look after me when I'm in need of such a thing.

Trust. You have it or you don't. If you don't, well then you really don't have anything at all.

Just my opinion, but you know my story.

Be well, Be loved, Clay
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  #1805  
Old 07-04-2013, 06:48 AM
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I'll always love ya beautiful. Just a fact. I've gone back and read a great deal about what you've been going through, and know what it is to feel as you do.

Trust. It's all about that one simple word. It exists or it doesn't. My ideal poly relationship is ti always have that one person I can come home to, who will love me, support me and look after me when I'm in need of such a thing.

Trust. You have it or you don't. If you don't, well then you really don't have anything at all.

Just my opinion, but you know my story.

Be well, Be loved, Clay
A very good point Freetime. Agreed.

Good chatting with you the other week btw. Looking forward to seeing you soon!

I am doing okay and life is moving along in various directions... some of which I feel I can't post about publicly or don't feel I am ready to post about in any detail.

Apparently the woman Mono was seeing is no longer. They agreed to end any hope of being more than coffee buddies. At least for now. Something about her not being up for it, me not being up for it.... who knows. I suspect it just wasn't worth it. Mono says he still cares for her but that really it was never about her and more about the idea of having someone else in his life; trying that out.

I had a great weekend away with Mono that included some very emotional times together and some more processing of information and confirmation of what I want and where I am at as a result. There were more questions I put to Mono about what he will do as a result of information he gave me and his situation. Nothing has been set in terms of a path to follow for him and therefore me and us. It's all still very much in the air and I continue to work on me most of all. I am in need of the work. My "me" relationship is in need of the work and I have tons of time while nothing else is resolved or being processed with any speed. One thing is for sure though, I am happier and feeling much more on top of my game. That's something
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  #1806  
Old 07-05-2013, 02:39 PM
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I've been thinking about needs and wants. I feel I shouldn't need people but simply want to be with them. This has been my work or late; how to manage on filling my own needs first to see if its possible or if I can. Then looking at what I want to do after that.

I'm enjoying the seperateness in this process. Surprisingly it's lifted my belief that I have obligations to others which lead me to be in the thick of a lot of other people's stuff. It felt like cabin fever. Now I feel as if I can be around yet can chose to walk out the door to do my own thing when it's best for me.
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  #1807  
Old 07-05-2013, 03:06 PM
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I've been thinking about needs and wants. I feel I shouldn't need people but simply want to be with them. This has been my work of late; how to manage on filling my own needs first to see if its possible or if I can. Then looking at what I want to do after that.

I'm enjoying the separateness in this process. Surprisingly it's lifted my belief that I have obligations to others which lead me to be in the thick of a lot of other people's stuff. It felt like cabin fever. Now I feel as if I can be around yet can chose to walk out the door to do my own thing when it's best for me.

What I really need to focus on is putting my eggs in one basket. I feel as if I am doing that with Mono still and I am struggling to focus on me rather than him. If I can focus on me then it works to focus on us rather than just him.

Life at home is really great right now. PN and I are getting on really well and enjoying our routines and time together. He and I are such a great team. We do so well together. We have some great plans for house renovations and I feel as if we can sustain what we have, all of us, together, for quite some time. I was inspired this morning when I read about a couple who stayed in their house raising their kids for years all while having their own relationships outside of that. The kids grew and moved on and the two parents are fast friends and talk and spend time together every day. They made is work for the long haul and I intend to do that too. It makes me happy to know that PN and I are on the same page.

Pulling away yet staying in touch with Derby and Brad and their families has proved both difficult and not at the same time. It will take time to unfold a new reality I think. I have lots of feelings of regret, feelings of sadness and compersion for them at the same time. I am happy that they have each other and that things are ticking along, but it still makes me sad that I was unable to sustain the dynamic I had with them within that. I have no regrets, but I wish I were a bigger person with more capabilities. I feel as if I failed them and myself, and everyone around us but realize that I learned a lot about my capacity to take on many relationships at once and that I needed to learn that. I think that its possible they have moved on and don't hurt as much by my actions by now and that at least makes me feel somewhat happy.

I haven't said anything within our local community and have backed away from most things by now. I don't keep in touch with many people and am starting to make new friends. At some point I intend to reach out to people I know and tell them what is going on for me but for now I am still processing and finding my feet. I still host a local get together and will host the women's group I think come the fall.

I left the telling of what's been going on to others and trust that if someone wants to talk to me about it and find out details I can't and won't give here, they will. True friends and people who love and care for me reveal themselves in time. I am confident that all that needs to be revealed will.

I don't in any way believe that I am made out to be a good guy in all this. I don't expect that people will be kind and gentle with me all the time. I don't expect that assumptions won't be made based on someone's fabrication in their mind of who they think I am either. Its so easy to take a story and twist it to tarnish a persons name and character publicly based on little bits of info and personal takes on who I am. I have experienced this first hand over and over again in my life and while I do take my turn at venting to others I like to think that that stops in the public domain. Sadly, it doesn't for others and I am sure there is and will be times when I will not be welcome to be with others due to what rumours go around. I can only hope that those that know me will defend me or at the very least find out from me what is going on by asking with a loving and empathetic heart. This blog is NOT the whole story, nor will it ever be. I'm not a fool. This is public. I say as much as I can but not all.

I have a friend at work that has been a rock to me. Well, several actually. They and she have helped me so much by listening to all the details I can lavish from my mind. I have sorted so much out this way and I am very grateful. I offer the same to them and I am grateful for these true friendships. Everyone needs a safe space to work on stuff and I have surprisingly found it at work. Who knew a bunch of monogamous women would be so up on poly by now that they can listen, question, support and respect that I am not like them. I love them dearly and especially my one friend. I really admire people that can step out of their reality and personal take on life long enough to love and respect someone completely different from them. I guess that is why we are all so good at looking after people with sever mental and physical disabilities. It kind of comes with the territory.
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  #1808  
Old 07-08-2013, 12:23 AM
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This was the first pride day I have missed in years. It just didn't seem to be in the cards and I didn't feel like creating it to be so. LB went to his friends house all day, Mono and I went for a ride all day and only PN went for awhile. I can't say I missed it actually. I love pride day usually, but for some reason the thought of crowds and socializing just didn't seem appealing. I'm sure next year I'll be back at it.

I think that this bike trip planned for next month is going to be a big thing for me. I am sitting here after a one day ride and realizing that this feeling is going to be ten days long. Tired, happy, excited, slightly wind burnt and content. My mind is empty from hours of letting my mind go. Wandering around my brain for so long actually got me to the end of thinking! Who knew! No over thinking in this moment. Amazing what giving myself time does.

Mono and I made an extensive music list yesterday and tried out listening to music on the bike today. We were rocking it out on the highway to music we love and enjoying ourselves. We have a little routine around it now where he can communicate to me while we ride. All our little systems are working out and to someone who loves systems, this makes me very happy.

Living each day at a time and in each moment. This has been a moment brought to you my RP.
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Old 07-15-2013, 05:16 AM
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Just back from poly camp. I tried to write at one point but lost the message. It said something along the lines of having a great time.

PN and Mono weren't too keen on going but LB was so I encouraged them to rise to the occasion of doing something as a family. They agreed and had a good time in the end. Its important to do things as a family while LB is still young as soon enough he won't want to go anywhere with us. I am hoping I can keep the two men at it for a few more years yet but I think I might have to change it up from poly camp or something in order to do so. Next up is another camp in August. This time the one in the States we go to.

Its early days yet but things in life are settling. I decided to throw caution to the wind and just trust. I thought it might be helpful to express the love I feel for Mono with hugs and kisses and words that express my love also. Sometimes I am scared, but I push through. Why not give it my all and see what happens. He really does have all of me. That is some force it turns out. That is a lot of attention on one man. Who knows what will come of that.

It was great to spend time with Derby and Brad's family. I had missed their kids and spouses and so had LB. I can't speak for Mono and PN but I think they did too. Mono is a good friend with Brad and it made me happy that they connected a bit. I was glad to not think and just be this weekend. Likely I will process the weekend, as is natural for me, but for now I am happily tired and my heart is filled with sunshine.
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  #1810  
Old 07-15-2013, 07:23 AM
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You are starting to sound more yourself.
I am glad. I was worried about you.
Enough so to write to the guys and ask them to please please keep a close eye on you!
I love when you write about your excursions with LB. you are right, only a few years left. Sweet Pea has started branchin out, preferring friend time over family time just this summer.
Today he declined going kayaking with me to go to the park with friends. It was a tiny moment of minor discomfort to him saying so. It was a bit more painful for me. I went grocery shopping instead (lame replacement).

Maybe some will judge you harshly. I myself am proud of your efforts. You have grown so much in understanding yourself since we first met! It is inspiring!
I don't know what changes are being created in your life, but I look forrward to each new chapter!
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