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  #11  
Old 06-16-2013, 12:48 AM
Blopez5293 Blopez5293 is offline
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Unhappy Companionship......

Such a powerful word. Companionship for me means a want to share space. It means spending intimate time. Taking opportunities to reconnect and share in eachothers lives. Talking about nothing or everything. Going out, staying in, reveling in the feeling of belonging to someone, something larger than yourself. A concept that in itself seems so damn simple as to be laughable, and yet the execution of same proves to be damnably elusive.

I like to think of myself as a grounded individual. I stopped believing in fairytales long ago. And yet I hold out hope for that companionship that all the epic love stories have. Someone who wants to spend time with me. Someone with whom I can share my dreams and fantasies with. Who won't laugh at them or me. The total ease of spending time with someone you truly love and care for.

Am I nieve in believing that such companionship exists? Throughout my life I have caught glimpses of this type if relationship so I have reason to believe it does. And I long for this type of connection with someone in my life. And I find myself longing for it with the intensity of a man dying of thirst who longs for that one last drink of water.

I don't see this companionship in gifts received or given, or fancy dates taken, but in the moments when you have the opportunity to really just immerse in one another. I miss having this type of connection in my everyday life. And I have no idea how to find it. It how to tell the ones I love what it is I need from them. For now I just feel as if I am afloat on a sea of uncertainty and emptiness. And there is no land in sight. I just don't know where to turn for help. :-(
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  #12  
Old 06-18-2013, 03:45 PM
Blopez5293 Blopez5293 is offline
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Unhappy Endings.......

Pain.... When I started this journey I never imagined such pain as I feel now. It hurts to breathe and think. And all I want to do is cry. I have been crying. Non-stop since Saturday when you texted those fateful words.

I want a divorce.

Devastation and pain is my world now. I begged and pleaded you to reconsider. To give us 6 months in marriage counseling. Table the divorce talk till then. Then take stalk of where we are then make decisions. But you won't budge. And now my world crumbles around me and I look into the faces of our children and wonder what I will say.

Because one day they will ask questions and I don't know how I will answer. How am I supposed to explain something that makes no fucking sense?

I am broken. I am lost. I want my mommy.... *quietly sobbing* :-(
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Last edited by Blopez5293; 06-18-2013 at 03:46 PM. Reason: typos
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  #13  
Old 06-18-2013, 05:02 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Hugs...

And no, you're not crazy or naive for thinking companionship like that exists. It does. It can be hard to find, but it does.

Hang in there, one step at a time, one day at a time.
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  #14  
Old 06-22-2013, 07:20 AM
Blopez5293 Blopez5293 is offline
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Arrow Update....

I lie here awake beside Sith and am in awe. How very fickle the heart and mind can be at times. Was it only days ago when we were standing at the brink of the precipice convinced we were going overboard. And now I lie here awake as ever in love and hopeful for the first time in a while.

Last weekend was horrendous. We had a blowout Saturday that culminated in the divorce talk on Sunday. I begged him to reconsider. We texted angrily all week. On Wednesday we had a prior commitment that we couldn't skip so we went. I lost my temper with my kids as we were leaving and got louder that necessary in the small space. I am ashamed to admit that I damaged my husbands ear in the process. I felt horrible. We ended up getting into one of the worst fights in our marriage. And then we were through the harsh words and anger. And both felt horrible about how we had been acting.

Finally, as if we had purged a long infected thorn, we talked. About all the hard decisions. And whether we both want to be in this together. About where we want to be in a year when we finally move to be closer to Lady.

It was perhaps the hardest talk I've ever had. And one of the most beneficial. Gala Girl talks of Muppet backstage crazy and playing like honorable Jedi. The analogy sticks well with me. Lately our life has been too much Muppet and no where near enough Jedi. And we finally both see it clearly.

He agreed to give me 6 months in marriage counseling. Weekly for about 2 hours on a day we do nothing afterward. I insisted that we allow ourselves the evening to process and continue to discuss what we feel we can without losing our tempers. And I have hope that he is listening, perhaps for the first time since our son died 5 years ago. Make no mistake, I believe that this will be hard work. It will require both of us to be fully committed. We are. And I know that we can do it. After all, we have survived much worse and have already made so much progress. It just seems monumentally stupid to give up now after we have come so far. So we continue on our journey.

Last night Sith went out with Twisted, previously called S. He stayed overnight and came home after work today. He was well marked up from his night with her and told me upfront when he came home. I am ok with it. And as I lie here I am in awe to feel stable enough right now to feel this incredible sense of compersion. We watched movies with our kids, played a round of water sports in the shower, and I gave him a long back massage. He is sore from how busy work has been and I'm sure from last night. So I tried to help work some of the tension out of his back and shoulders and help him relax. It was nice. And I must admit rather thrilling, in a good way, to see her marks and run my fingers ever so lightly over them. Thrilling to know he is getting this need fulfilled. I am not a Dom and have no nails to mark with. Lol :-)

Make no mistake I still don't like Twisted much. At least not now. But I have no jealousy towards her at all. I just think she brings a bit too much Muppet into our lives. :-P And as I have gotten older I really do seen to go out of my way to avoid Muppet crazy. I much prefer to play like an honorable Jedi. :-) But then as always, that's just me.
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Along for the ride on this crazy rollercoaster called life

Karma's a bitch and Murphy's her brother

I am, as always, only me

Last edited by Blopez5293; 06-22-2013 at 07:29 AM. Reason: typos
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