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  #11  
Old 06-21-2013, 11:25 PM
starmonkey starmonkey is offline
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I don't have a problem with blunt, but my question was about how people here manage feelings that must come up fairly regularly. If I didn't already know I screwed up, I would have titled my post something like, "is this OK?"

I'm not expecting anyone to coddle me, I just think you tend to get your point across more effectively when you don't whack them over the head with it. I also don't see the point in telling some one they are wrong when they have already said it themselves. Enough said - this isn't why I posted here.

I appreciate some of the suggestions already. I've personally never really been a huge fan of the hierarchy "primary," "secondary, " etc imply, and I don't think my partner does either. She has been a great girlfriend to me, so why am I not calling her that already?

Do most polly people only date other poly people - just avoid monogamous dating altogether?

I already get the ethics, I'm not blaming my partner for anything, and I have no desire to micromanage her life. Yes, I was selfish, I made a mistake, and now since I have sincerely apologized for my actions, I would like to be authentic with that apology and learn something from it so I don't make the same mistake again - and ideally put some of this pettiness of mine to rest. I was looking for what people do to deal with feeling insecurity and/or jealousy - I haven't felt this kind of thing before last night, and all things considered, I'd prefer to not repeat it.

I imagine some people here just don't experience jealousy, fear and insecurity - and until last night I was one of them. It seems pretty likely there are some people here who have, though - and also likely they may have found some way to deal with them, maybe some why they look at it differently. This is what I would really like to hear

If anyone feels the need to tell me again that my behavior is bad - I've already said it was, but go for it. If anyone wants to offer any information that might be useful so I can better deal with the screwed up emotions I was feeling that drove me, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.
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  #12  
Old 06-22-2013, 12:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by starmonkey View Post
Do most polly people only date other poly people - just avoid monogamous dating altogether?
The only marginally successful (read: not crashing and burning in flames) mono-poly dating I've seen is when the mono person considers *themselves* mono but don't have designs on their partner being mono. There are plenty of poly folk who date straight up mono people who don't like the worldview of their poly partners and those are lots of fun to watch. The fireworks can be seen from neighboring counties.

I personally would need to be very impressed to date a mono person. They would need to somehow convince me that they fully embrace my worldview while not practicing it themselves. No idea how they would do that, but that would be the cost of entry.

Quote:
Originally Posted by starmonkey View Post
I would like to be authentic with that apology and learn something from it so I don't make the same mistake again - and ideally put some of this pettiness of mine to rest.
Identifying that it is an emotional response that you don't want to inform your actions any further is the biggest hurdle imo. Next it will just be a matter of catching yourself *before* you act on the emotions instead of after.

For me it has just taken practice. I try to intellectualize my feelings as often as I can so that I can determine if they are valid or just knee-jerk junk. Most of the time it's knee-jerk junk, so I do my little mantra about "it's her life and that is awesome" or "this is not mine to control, which is how I want it", etc. These days I find that I don't fall prey to those emotions as frequently.
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  #13  
Old 06-22-2013, 02:55 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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In this circumstance, I think you can also separate different behaviours and desires.

In the context of a romantic relationship, this other guy only wants monogamy. That doesn't mean a romantic relationship is the only form of relationship he wants. Why should it bother him that his fuck buddy has a boyfriend?

I would never buy a home that wasn't single-detached house with a nice yard that could fit a garden. But that doesn't mean I would only live in a single-detached house. When I've rented, I've taken what I could get and what I could afford. I would never buy a condo, but I would rent a suite in an apartment complex.

So, the fact that he's still fucking your girlfriend when he doesn't want to be her secondary boyfriend doesn't mean he's trying to steal her away to be his monogamous girlfriend. It means he likes to put his penis in her vagina, nothing more.

Honestly, I would be far more concerned about why your girlfriend is so unstable that she's sinking into inconsolable depression just because some casual dating partner won't be her new boyfriend.
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 06-22-2013 at 02:58 AM.
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  #14  
Old 06-22-2013, 03:38 AM
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My boyfriend is mono and things have gone well.

But then again our lives are compatible. I split my time equally between my husband and my boyfriend. Near one is higher than the other in importance to me.

So it can work just fine.
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  #15  
Old 06-22-2013, 03:44 AM
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My boyfriend is mono and things have gone well.
Dagferi, I take it your bf embraces the fact that you are poly?
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  #16  
Old 06-22-2013, 03:52 AM
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He decided that he would rather have me than not in his life. He is fine with my husband in fact they have gotten to be sort of friends.

He gets that I love them both equally and is ok with it. He accepts me as I am. Has never tried to be a cowboy or even hinted at my becoming mono.
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  #17  
Old 06-22-2013, 04:35 AM
london london is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
In this circumstance, I think you can also separate different behaviours and desires.

In the context of a romantic relationship, this other guy only wants monogamy. That doesn't mean a romantic relationship is the only form of relationship he wants. Why should it bother him that his fuck buddy has a boyfriend?

I would never buy a home that wasn't single-detached house with a nice yard that could fit a garden. But that doesn't mean I would only live in a single-detached house. When I've rented, I've taken what I could get and what I could afford. I would never buy a condo, but I would rent a suite in an apartment complex.

So, the fact that he's still fucking your girlfriend when he doesn't want to be her secondary boyfriend doesn't mean he's trying to steal her away to be his monogamous girlfriend. It means he likes to put his penis in her vagina, nothing more.

Honestly, I would be far more concerned about why your girlfriend is so unstable that she's sinking into inconsolable depression just because some casual dating partner won't be her new boyfriend.
It's just not that easy. Even as fuck buddies, it often can't work out with monogamous men. See, in their head, if you were sexually satisfied by your partners, you wouldn't be fucking them. That means they inherently disrespect your partners and the relationship you have with them. I just wasn't comfortable with that.
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  #18  
Old 06-23-2013, 12:59 AM
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Originally Posted by london View Post
It's just not that easy. Even as fuck buddies, it often can't work out with monogamous men. See, in their head, if you were sexually satisfied by your partners, you wouldn't be fucking them. That means they inherently disrespect your partners and the relationship you have with them. I just wasn't comfortable with that.
Have you ever actually spoken with this other man and has he told you that he believes she's not satisfied by you? Or are you just a mind reader?

That he disrespects you and your relationship is your own perception, an interpretation based on how you what you yourself would think were you in his shoes. Aside from fucking your girlfriend, what signs has he given that this is the case? Has he actually told your girlfriend that she should leave you?

There is no thinking pattern that is ubiquitous amongst all of any sort of person, be it monogamous men, submissive women, homosexuals, etc.

You asked us how you can avoid getting in this situation again. My suggestion is to check your assumptions at the door and practice open, clear communication. Don't assume that just because some guy is monogamous, then he's obviously trying to steal your girlfriend. Give your girlfriend some credit that, as an adult, she is capable of making decisions that are right for her. Trust that she will take your feelings into consideration.
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  #19  
Old 06-23-2013, 02:47 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default Dagferi is a perfect example

of an honest, no sugar coating, delivery of a perspective. Nothing intended as a slight or subtle insult. Nothing high and mighty.

to the OP

I 've found myself in a couple of situations similar to yours Starmonkey, from both sides of the fence, including a time when I wasn't even dating the woman nor had I even met her face to face, in fact I am pretty sure he was already friendzoned and maybe that's why he couldn't deal with my online "friendship".

But one of the other times when there was a point or two of contention, the woman who was dating both of us I had asked if "they had ever thought about seeing other people" and I was told "No" I emphasized "they" because although I didn't ask both of them personally, I had asked his girlfriend if "they" had thought about it because I respected their relationship. My relationship was much more than a casual friendship but I did make try for quite some time to be supportive as a friend, but it didn't work out.

To be honest this was over five years ago and I had a few relationships that I guess most people these semantically correct days would consider swinging, even though my relationships were never just about sex. When I began dating this woman however, I kept my relationships with other women platonic. I remained friends with women I had been sexually involved with because I was truly their friend, and their spouses knew of me and had met me (a couple of them trusted me more than they did their SO) This was years before I ever had internet access at home and the only online networking I did was from work and only e-mail as a form of communication with others and only work related communicating.

When I finally did get internet access at home, was about the same time I met the woman whose boyfriend I clashed with. I met her in everyday life, not on the internet. Social networking was how I found out that she was not "seeing" me exclusively and I had thought that our commitment was to fully disclosing other friendships that became sexual as we weren't using protection.

SC advice sounds right on to me, and it would have rung true in my situation, as many times he was being a prick about things, when I had often stuck up for him, and the times I didn't was due mainly to the fact that I was in the dark after I had asked her if they had thought about seeing others (poly wasn't a term I was familiar with) and I was told "No, neither of us is into "seeing" other people" in tone that as I understood it, my question was like slapping them in the face, which I in no way meant to do.

As far as I knew, he was an old friend, but from the information I was given, the relationship didn't turn sexual until long after my sexual relationship with her (which was never more then "dating" according to her, which I didn't have a problem) I was hurt because I was emotionally involved but not such an ass that I would not be friends with her because she chose to date somebody else. I respected her autonomy to make to her own decisions, and it was actually my respect for their relationship that caused problems and actually started the situations were shit hit the fan. Evidently "poly" was not something people uttered out loud, it was more an attitude like that of fight club and the dumbest "rules" I had ever heard of, like don't talk about it.

It goes against my beliefs to be in an unethical relationship, as poly without talking is for the most part, cheating. Which is really a shame seeing how it takes something that is a freedom in which there is absolutely nothing wrong, nothing immoral, and bad about it whatsoever when the freedom is exercised responsibly.

And like every and any Freedom exercised that is just, right, and moral can be turned into unjust, wrong, and immoral simply by not being honest and responsible in your actions of exercising said Freedom.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 06-23-2013 at 02:49 AM.
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  #20  
Old 06-23-2013, 04:48 AM
london london is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Have you ever actually spoken with this other man and has he told you that he believes she's not satisfied by you? Or are you just a mind reader?

That he disrespects you and your relationship is your own perception, an interpretation based on how you what you yourself would think were you in his shoes. Aside from fucking your girlfriend, what signs has he given that this is the case? Has he actually told your girlfriend that she should leave you?

There is no thinking pattern that is ubiquitous amongst all of any sort of person, be it monogamous men, submissive women, homosexuals, etc.

You asked us how you can avoid getting in this situation again. My suggestion is to check your assumptions at the door and practice open, clear communication. Don't assume that just because some guy is monogamous, then he's obviously trying to steal your girlfriend. Give your girlfriend some credit that, as an adult, she is capable of making decisions that are right for her. TTrust that she will take your feelings into consideration.
I think you've got me confused with the OP, but to answer your points, yes, more than one monogamous man has said that if I was sexually and romantically fulfilled,i wouldn't need multiple partners. Some have insinuated it in general discussion and talked about polyamory as a phase one goes through before settling down and others gave been more explicit about their feelings on the subject. One person kindly started talking about this whilst he had his cock in me. I left mid shag.

Personally, I believe people who can feel valued in a situation where their partner isn't monogamous are more poly wired than they are mono wired. I think most of being poly, or having healthy polyamorous relationships anyway, is about accepting your partner having other partners and still feeling loved. It's quite easy to have multiple partners yourself and know that each has their own place in your life, but being able to trust and feel that from someone else when you're not their one and only is more complex. I've never been involved with someone monogamous that had that capability but I have seen evidence of it online. Assuming what people say is true, of course. I'm quite sceptical about it though. The majority of time I come across MonoPoly relationships it's clear that the mono party is making a sacrifice and for the most part, I don't think it's ethical. It might be consensual but I often think that sacrifice that they are so obviously making is unhealthy and detrimental to their psyche.

Last edited by london; 06-23-2013 at 05:01 AM.
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