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  #811  
Old 06-17-2013, 04:40 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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It feels vulgar to post about good times when things stand where they do between me and Davis.

But, well, my life continues on. And this blog is the chronicle of my poly life. So, I won't go into great detail, but I will at least record the basics --

I watched Bee for seven hours on Saturday. We had an idyllic day, spent a lot of time outdoors. He got petulant towards the end, I think he was pretty tired.

It was good to see Gia when I dropped him off, even if only briefly. I miss her. Our date last week was soooo niiiccceee -- we got great food, walked around, visited a cool store, and rolled around in bed. *happy sigh*

She's still struggling a lot right now. The med change seems to have made her anxiety worse. And she can't see her doctor for two more weeks. And she starts a new job tomorrow. YIKES. I offered to babysit an extra time at the end of this week, to try to help give her some mental health space, and she accepted.

Saturday night, after watching Bee, I helped Clay set up for a party he was hosting. Then I sat at his feet for a few hours, fetched him little things, and chatted with anyone who hung out near the registration table. It was wonderfully relaxing. Afterwards, he and Nikki did a bondage scene, while my roommate Eddie and I fooled around in another room. Zero pangs of jealousy for anyone, as far as I'm aware. Love it.

When the party was over and we'd cleaned up, Clay and I went back to his place. Had amazing sex, fell asleep, woke up, had more amazing sex. Then I brought him coffee, and he played video games while I rubbed his feet. Fucking bliss, y'all, I can't even tell you. Well, I could try, but it'd take a lot more words than I'm bothering with right now.

It was actually the first time EVER in our relationship that we've spent the night together and then neither of us had to work in the morning, if you can believe it. Normally we work schedules that just don't match up, but just this once he had Sunday off.

In the afternoon, we went to the local Pride Festival, met up with some friends, had festival food and beers, watched some drag performances. It's so wonderful, just continuously being casually affectionate with each other. Love. In Love.

Izzy wasn't at the festival because she was afraid of seeing her abusive former partner (who wasn't there, as far as I could tell). I HATE that that kept her away. Some day, I hope to find out if Clay and I will still be as comfortable being casually, publicly affectionate together if he's also being casually, publicly affectionate with her at the same time. I hope so. It'll be an adjustment, but it's one I very much hope to get to make. She deserves it. They deserve it.

This coming weekend, he and I are going away to a kinky camping event! We'll fall asleep together and wake up together twice in a row, both times with no pressing schedule to adhere to after rising. I feel positively spoiled by all the wonderful time we've been getting together lately.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 06-17-2013 at 04:43 AM.
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  #812  
Old 06-21-2013, 10:10 PM
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A couple of days ago, we had a big ribbon-cutting event for something I've been working on at my job. Davis came out and we got lunch together afterwards. As we were parting, he hugged me tightly. It was a relief not to feel so physically alienated from him.

He says he's doing a lot of thinking. He says he doesn't know whether his reaction was really mostly about my condom decision with Clay, or whether there were many issues and that was just the straw that broke the camel's back, but that either way the camel's back is broken and he needs to decide whether or not he wants a new camel.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #813  
Old 06-30-2013, 02:29 PM
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The kinky camping trip with Clay was **AMAZING**! You guys, it was just... well, I'll be posting about it on tumblr shortly if you want details. For the purposes of this blog, suffice to say that I'd been worried that I'd feel weird/ jealous, knowing that I'd meet several of his play partners there, and I didn't feel that way at all. We spent a lot of time focused on each other, and when he engaged with others I was interested and happy for them. I personally didn't seek out anyone else, because I just didn't feel motivated to do so.

We spent 48 hours straight almost entirely in each other's company, slept two nights beside each other, shared a bunch of intense, interesting experiences, and spent a lot of time relaxing together. *siiiigh* Sooo nice.

We're talking at least a little every day right now. I feel very loved and appreciated by him. I don't imagine he could avoid feeling the same from me.

Davis and I are reconnecting. We had slowly been becoming more affectionate in each others presence. Then he came out to see a show I was in on Friday, and afterwards invited me back to his place. I was hesitant -- were we just falling back into old patterns because they're easy and comfortable without examining them enough? But he said, very simply, that it was what he wanted, and I wanted it too. It felt very warm and right to be cuddled up with him again. When things turned hot and heavy, we got each other off with our mouths and hands, avoiding the issue of condoms for the time being. We exchanged "I love you's" that felt very real and heartfelt.

In the morning, we talked while lying in bed. He said he'd really enjoyed last night. That he didn't know if or when it would happen again, but at the very least it felt like closure. I started to cry. I had gotten so used to the idea of losing him. I had really accepted it... until the night before. Now, hearing him talk about us still maybe being done, it just hurt. He assured me that he didn't think that would be the case, but that he didn't want to make any promises yet. I feel much calmer thinking about it now. I still very much want him to do what's right for him.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #814  
Old 07-20-2013, 03:12 AM
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It's feels like it's been forever since I've been on this blog, but it's really only been a couple of weeks. I've just been so busy.

Davis and I have fully reconnected. We're talking and hanging out at the same rate and in the same ways that we used to, and we've gone back to having PIV sex (with condoms). All the distance has evaporated. It seems like the wound that I dealt our relationship has healed. It's such a relief. His support and presence in my life mean so much to me.

I haven't felt very deeply connected to Gia recently. We've spent some time hanging out and talking, and it's been good, but... hmm, I'm not even sure how to articulate the change, exactly. I guess it's that the distances between us used to cause this longing ache in my heart for her. Sometimes it was hardly noticeable, and sometimes it was sharp and painful, but either way it drew me towards her. Now that ache is gone -- I think because of Clay, because of how easily he's been able to give me loads of demonstrative love and sex and D/s in all the ways I've wanted from her -- and its absence makes everything feel off.

It's not like I WANT to be a bit of a wreck over her, but, well, I almost feel like I *should* be, like it's proof of my desire for her. I know that's dumb. I know that when someone can't give you what you want from them, pulling back is better. And while Gia gives me what she can, it's been a long, long time since she was able to give me what I've wanted from her. I do wonder if things will change between us in any noticeable way, or if the change is just in me and how I'm relating to our situation.

Things with Clay continue to be crazy-great. We went on a long bike ride together the other day, and then I cooked us dinner, and then we went our separate ways because we both had stuff we needed to do. It was kinda nice to know that we can have a great time together without sex or kink being a factor. Unf, really really want more sex and kink with him though, and we've got a date set for a couple of days from now, yaaay.

Outside of my relationships... SIGH, well, I'm in a really weird and not-so-good place. I like my job. But it can be overwhelming and I can be lazy. And I did a really dysfunctional, messed up thing six months back -- I started just ignoring a certain category of task I was supposed to be doing. I finally decided to stop doing that, and took a hard look at it the other day. My negligence has definitely caused some problems, which may or may not be entirely solvable, but which can't be ignored.

I need to lay it all out for my boss. She deserves that, she deserves to know the situation. I need to just explain to her what happened, and that I have no excuses for it whatsoever, and that she can fire me or I can stick around and we can work together to fix the mess, it's her call. It's going to be so awfully hard to do that. But at least I'll salvage some of my self-respect when it comes to all this.

More than anything, I'm afraid that this will ruin my reputation among a bunch of the folks in my field. I just keep thinking to myself "hey, it's going to be ok, you can always wait tables, your life will go on." I don't know whether that voice is the voice of wisdom -- after all, I can't make anything better if I'm falling to pieces -- or the voice of complacency that got me into this in the first place -- no need to freak out when the consequences own't be TOO bad.

Ugh. I hate hate hate that I let this happen. It really makes me question what's going on with me. I KNEW that this would come back to bite me in a major way, and I just kept letting it happen, just kept pretending it wasn't there... why the self-sabotage? What the fuck?

Similar questions to the ones I had to ask myself when I let things get bad between me and Davis recently. Simple solutions, and I ignore them and let things get all fucked up instead. I've got to figure out how to stamp out this terrible tendency.

Has anyone else experienced something like this?
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #815  
Old 07-20-2013, 02:07 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I can relate to this - I sabotage myself so many times, it isn't funny. Been doing it all my life, so I know it's a pattern I learned a long time ago, probably to get attention or to reinforce a self-limiting belief I have. Whenever we continually do something that brings us pain, it's usually because there is a pay-off. We always subconsciously know (or hope) we'll gain something out of it, whether it is justification of our own beliefs and negative feelings about ourselves, or to hold us back from being successful because we're afraid to take a risk and be vulnerable, etc.

The thing to ask is always "What am I getting out of doing this?" (and then seriously ponder that question and take the time to ask your inner self what is being gained from this behavior - it will usually be quite irrational). I still get caught up in this self-sabotaging pattern myself - I have no other solution than delving into that kind of self-questioning to become aware of the mechanism, because with awareness comes choice. If you know you might choose that behavior for whatever reasons you discover, at least you can choose not to.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-20-2013 at 02:15 PM.
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  #816  
Old 07-21-2013, 02:51 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Thanks so much, Nyc. It's been hugely helpful to me to hear other people relate similar experiences... always good to know that, even if you're fucked up, other people have been there too. And your way of thinking about it makes sense, I hadn't thought of it in quite that way.

What would I gain if I lost my job... less stress (in some ways, likely more in others, like, y' know, "how am I gonna pay my bills?"), less responsibility. Less constantly feeling inadequate because there's always more to do than I can catch up with. Less feeling like I'm letting down the movement that I'm supposed to be serving by not being a super-motivated Type-A personality (never have been, never will be).

What do I get out of ignoring work in the moment? More time to either focus on other important work or just to goof off (more of the latter than I'd like to admit ).
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #817  
Old 07-22-2013, 04:27 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I need to lay it all out for my boss. She deserves that, she deserves to know the situation. I need to just explain to her what happened, and that I have no excuses for it whatsoever, and that she can fire me or I can stick around and we can work together to fix the mess, it's her call. It's going to be so awfully hard to do that. But at least I'll salvage some of my self-respect when it comes to all this.
I've found that this is the best way to go! Most of the time (I don't know your specifics), they won't be happy, but will be willing to work with you and in the end have more respect for you because they know you will own up to your mistakes. Good luck!
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  #818  
Old 07-23-2013, 09:45 AM
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Yes, another one guilty of self sabotage here
I recently broke up with my BF, and really could not believe myself that I had let things go so bad for months.

But I'm slowly realizing that I DID get something out of that month long process, and I would not have learned so much, about myself, about what I want from relationships and my life, if we had broken up in March when it all started to go downhill.
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the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #819  
Old 07-24-2013, 09:42 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I talked to my boss. She was glad I came to her and we're going to work things out together. Everything is going to be fine. *biggest-ever sigh of relief*

In other news, Clay said the other day that the natural and strong D/s dynamic that he and I have actually makes him feel more confident in his role as a dominant partner to Izzy. So, that was nice to hear.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #820  
Old 07-25-2013, 01:38 PM
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Oooh! Both really good things to hear I can imagine the first would be such a relief. I'm currently waiting to see what if any fallout there is from something I triggered at work... this shit can be so nerve-wracking. Glad things turned out so well for you
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