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  #21  
Old 06-21-2013, 07:24 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by charmedquark View Post
It's both psychological and physical ... a combination of performance anxiety and hormonal problems.
I'm glad you have professionals chiming in on the difficulty but does it really seem like a hormonal issue if he only has this problem with you? If it were hormonal that would apply to all of his sexual attempts, right?

I am all in favor of taking the advice of medical professionals but it's good to question.

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Originally Posted by charmedquark View Post
Thanks for sharing your story and for your sensitivity and empathy, which I see is not always a given on this forum.
This again.

While exposing oneself to every human who can type and has access to the internet ... one might expect to meet all manner of folk. Some of those folk might not have the *exact* same balance between courtesy and honesty that you do. While exposed to this theoretical person who doesn't seem to be exactly as courteous as one might prefer... one might take the fact that one is voluntarily exposing ones personal issues to EVERY SINGLE HUMAN who has an internet connection and can type. One might also decide that it is irrational to complain about this fact... but that is unlikely.
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  #22  
Old 06-21-2013, 08:07 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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You will also discover, after having lived in the world and been exposed to things that are different (people are often pointing this out to me as if i was born and lived under a rock my whole life). The "courtesy" "empathy" "sensitivity" you get from someone who was raised in the projects is going to be of a different sensibility than what you would get from someone raised in a sheltered suburb.

I'm coming at you as the child of immigrant farmers from post ww2 eastern europe who came to the US and worked in factories so they could give their family a better life. I know enough about myself that i can be sure (and nobody has to like it or agree with it) that i know what i am talking about.

And believe me, they didn't hire me for this job (which is not difficult and is very fun) because i refuse to speak up and say things they don't want to hear. I am paid to tell harvard professors things they don't want to hear, why should some random dysfunctional codependent person on the internet have to have their ass kissed by everyone? I tell you what, anyone thinks i need a lecture about my manners because it's the internet and i can't be traced, or something, anonymous keyboard jockey, whatever? Do me a favor. Go ride the New York City Subway, and lecture the passengers about their manners. Then, go to the nearest Starbucks and make everyone be quiet so you can study. Then borrow a baby and go to a biker bar and tell them to stop cussing.

I mean, people and their precious fragile feelings. The rules of this forum say to communicate the way you would in your poly relationships, and that is exactly what i do. One of the things that comes up often on here is how a person should not hold other people responsible for how they feel and how they manage their feelings - that is the advice people get when it is regarding their partner or SO who is not present on this forum. Yet some folks turn around and expect other members HERE to be responsible for other people's feelings just because they don't like the coarse presentation or vulgar imagery?

You know what, i quit explaining myself to people who don't get it on their own, so don't expect poetry this time.
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  #23  
Old 06-21-2013, 08:35 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Thank you for clarifying.

Quote:
I knew that Brian was having PIV sex with his girlfriend because he came into the room where I was with my boyfriend and actually got a condom out of a drawer, right in front of us, without saying a word about it.
That seems like missed opportunity for you to say "Um... I thought the promise was no PIV sex? What's going on?"

Quote:
Brian then proceeded into the next room, where his girlfriend was. He left the door to the room they were in wide open and my boyfriend and I could hear them going at it. If it had not been dark in there, we would have seen everything too.
I get your upset. You were stunned. But again -- missed opportunities to close the door, stop and say something, been more clear before going over, stayed home and NOT gone over, spoken to the GF (your meta), etc. Many options.

Basically it's a situation you and Brian both had a hand in creating from botched communication.

At this time what is the greatest need? Is it that you need him to see/empathize with you that you are hurt?

If so...could ask "Could you please see that I am hurting? Let's not quibble about HOW we got here. This is just where we are at.

Could you see and acknowledge that I hurt, and that I want to talk about changes moving forward from here?"

Could choose to improve the communication and move it forward.

Or choose to keep it in the hamster wheel stuck.

Hang in there.
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  #24  
Old 06-21-2013, 09:38 PM
charmedquark charmedquark is offline
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GalaGirl, thanks for your input. Sure, I could have said something when Brian got the condom out. I think I feared making a scene in front of my boyfriend, since it was his wife in the other room. Nor did I consider interrupting Brian and his girlfriend in full-blown coitus. Closing the door would have been a good idea, I guess, but I'd already heard them, damage done by that point. I didn't even think about closing the door, I was deer in the headlights at that point. Oh, and this happened where Brian and I live, not our partners' house.

I completely agree that we needed better communication here, and we are working on that.

I come from a poor and somewhat dysfunctional family too, BoringGuy. Somehow, despite my humble beginnings, I managed to avoid becoming a hostile, rude, divisive person by simply keeping the golden rule in mind.

Marcus, I am new here, but I would hazard a guess that most of us would like these forums to be a safe space where poly people can get support, without excessive judgment or hostility. It's hard enough to be poly in a world where so few people accept and understand us. I don't think "Hey, it's the internet, deal with it" is a particularly constructive thing to say when things go awry. I choose to be part of the solution myself, not the problem.

Last edited by charmedquark; 06-22-2013 at 01:22 AM.
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  #25  
Old 06-22-2013, 03:40 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by charmedquark View Post
Marcus, I am new here, but I would hazard a guess that most of us would like these forums to be a safe space where poly people can get support, without excessive judgment or hostility.
Well, you keep an eye on us then and anytime someone isn't sweet enough by your personal standards you just let us know. It is your personal standard we should be using, right? Not each person deciding how best to communicate?

You are now in charge of how nice the internet is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by charmedquark View Post
Somehow, despite my humble beginnings, I managed to avoid becoming a hostile, rude, divisive person by simply keeping the golden rule in mind.
You were not very sweet to BG just then, your standard for sweetness is much higher than this. As the internet nicety police you should now reprimand yourself vigorously. At the very least give yourself a lecture about how to be super-duper-sweet to everyone you encounter.
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Last edited by Marcus; 06-22-2013 at 03:46 AM.
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  #26  
Old 06-22-2013, 04:46 AM
london london is offline
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That's why I don't buy the hormonal thing. To me, when he is starved of sex, he can get it up for his wife, when he isn't, he can't. If he could never get it up for her, I'd have more faith in the anxiety theory. I also don't believe that most people would be forthcoming about a waning sexual attraction to their spouse. You'd feel terrible about it.
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  #27  
Old 06-22-2013, 07:22 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
You were not very sweet to BG just then, your standard for sweetness is much higher than this.
Whoa, wait. What happened? The OP was not-nice to me? You mean where she said she is not bitter and hostile because she had a shitty childhood? What does that have to do with me?
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  #28  
Old 06-22-2013, 08:19 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default Your boyfriend was pretty much being a prick

It didn't sound like he promised you anything, so he might technically need to stick with his word, but things change sometimes. I would be more upset that the dickhead doesn't realize that "Don't worry, I don't need to do that thing with her tonight." make give you the impression that you needn't worry, he isn't going to be doing that.

So after he did, you would think he understand why you might be upset, and realize his part in it, I don't know, maybe said, you're right that wasn't cool for me to say that and then do the opposite, but it is ultimately me choice and not yours so I took the liberty to do so.

That's what I would expect from a guy who is responsible, capable of owning his own shit, even though he definitely sounds like he has a prickish attitude of I really don't care.

Whatever agreements you guys make with each other is totally fine, I haven't read through the comments but I seriously doubt anybody is asshole enough to tell you and boyfriend what you can and cannot or should not do unless they are involved with you.

But if anybody was going to that, an online poly forum would probably be the most likely place as these online forums have a lot of great people, but part of being part of an online poly community is allowing for a minimum of 3 fundamental principles that make up your poly core that it's cool to deny for aspects that aren't in your core, we all do it, some people don't like being called on it.

Speaking of called on it, anonymous on the internet? you mean the computer one BG? Everything is traceable, in fact a friend of mine who also has a good job at a junior college, but he got the job because of his dad being a prominent name in department he works in, and when he over heard me asking how to trace intrusions on my piddly network and this random person gave me a completely fabricated answer. Luckily my friend waited for him to leave before pulling me aside and saying "he knows damn well there's nothing anonymous about the majority of users on the web, that was one of the fuckers who used to stream you live after highjacking your web cam" and I was like nawwww, he wouldn't do that over being a myspace friend of a girl he liked, and he proceeded to tell me to keep playing dumb and he'd shoe me how to find out for sure, so long as they kept doing it. But it's a long story and even just to get into the tip of the ice berg would be fair,

anyway charmed, you right well, almost familiar but at four posts it couldn't be familiar from here. I hope you stick around
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  #29  
Old 06-22-2013, 04:30 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Since GF indicated wanting to NOT be in the middle, and you indicate worries about making a scene in front of BF...

Maybe this is opportunity then for all of you to talk about sex together and where the boundaries might lie at this point in time? Ask each person how they feel and want to be treated / communicated with?

As you work on things, maybe keep an eye out for the opportunities where things can be improved not just between you and Brian, but all the players?

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  #30  
Old 06-23-2013, 06:08 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Charmedquark,
There was someone else here, with the usernames GwendolentheFair and Persephone, who had the same problem with her husband -- his ED would worsen whenever he started up with a new chick. He'd be fine with the new sex partner and go flaccid with his wife. I'm not sure how it was resolved - you can search for those usernames to read her threads. I recall that Gwen/Persephone had a bunch of rules in place trying to limit him and make sure he would get it up for her before anyone else, etc., but they didn't seem to help, and she would get bent out of shape over some misunderstanding or another.

I will say that trying to control what he does with someone else takes you out of the realm of managing your own relationship and overstepping your authority quite a bit, into the realm of managing his other relationship(s), which isn't cool and doesn't really do anything to address the issues anyway. If anything, I think that would add some unneeded pressure on him, which could exacerbate the problem.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 06-23-2013 at 06:21 AM.
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