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  #131  
Old 06-20-2013, 11:06 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Unhappy Into the crucibleÖPt2/3

****SPOILER WARNING****

TO: MY WIFE's RECENT EX-GF,
Reading this will contain stuff you can't unlearn!

Don't read if you don't want to know!!!! STOP NOW, GO BACK, DO NOT COLLECT $200

Don't whine to me later if you proceed anyways!

You have been warned!










****SPOILER WARNING****




As life happens, sometimes while thereís no good time for certain things, there are usually less bad times. So my wife had held things close to her chest for a while, trying not to let it happen, making sure it was real, and then that it was real enough and strong enough to warrant taking the risk of some waves that might happen in her life by admitting it to herself or her partners. She had the conversation with me, but her gfís plans made approaching the topic difficult to address immediately. She opted to wait for a lull, a less bad time, to broach the topic with her. I watched her struggle with the need to address the feelings for this guy as they grew stronger, and having to make sure it was ok with her gf. But she had to be honest, and she had to communicate, her poly demanded it. (as did the previous agreements with her gf)

So she told her gf about these feelings that might be developing for this guy, and she was ready to put things on hold indefinitely for her gf if needed. She was honest, and played in the spirit of their agreements. It was also the first time in their years together that my wife had ever had to bring anything to the table that might make waves. (the gf had moved around a couple partners during the same period)

And then the gf dumped my wife. Suddenly, roundly, completely. That was not...expected. WTF?

Now, it seems that there may be some other stuff going on that precipitated this decision on the part of my now suddenly ex-meta, but it still kinda pissed me off for a few reasons.
  • It was done to my wife, and how she was hurting. Duh!
  • My wife had been honest and acted with nothing but respect to their agreements, but was being punished for it. Grr.
  • Where my ex-meta might have been able to control or slow things down while they were dating, getting dumped not only took all restraints off the new relationship developing, but it probably accelerated it. I felt as if my ex-meta could almost use the new prospect like a sex toy and was intentionally trying to fuck my wife with him! Grab him by the hips and push!
  • At the end of the day, I was the husband, and this was my wifeís first venture with another guy, so if anyone was supposed to be freaking out on this...it was SUPPOSED to be ME damnit! She stole my freak-out, so now I wasnít allowed.

There may be reasons that the ex-gf might had chosen this path, and there is a lot going on in her life, but thatís her shit to deal with, because I canít even begin to figure out whatís going on in her head, and once my wife was dumped I pretty much donít care. Her shit, her story, her deal. Itís no longer mine to deal with, and not up for speculation here; there will be no villianisation for it, or excuses offered. What is fair game here though is the aftermath as it affected me, and my marriage.

So now, not only do I have no time to process, but now I basically had to put away any efforts to process, or doubt, or hesitate, or behave badly because I went into damage control & support mode. My issues are suddenly irrelevant because I have to support my wife through her heart getting torn out and trampled on. And sure enough, the bond with the new guy was strengthened by the events as well. Things were still progressing slowly in getting to a physical level, but the feelings were certainly there. But really now, after witnessing the ex-gfís behavior, there was no way I could be *that guy* and start slamming on the binders for my own sake. As I said, my opportunity to freak out about anything was swept out from under me, and now I have no choice but to play the dutiful and supportive husband.
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  #132  
Old 06-20-2013, 11:07 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Unhappy Into the crucibleÖPt3/3

****SPOILER WARNING****

TO: MY WIFE's RECENT EX-GF,
Reading this will contain stuff you can't unlearn!

Don't read if you don't want to know!!!! STOP NOW, GO BACK, DO NOT COLLECT $200

Don't whine to me later if you proceed anyways!

You have been warned!










****SPOILER WARNING****







My wife carried on developing the relationship with the guy, to the point now where they are bf/gf now. Iíve had very little to say, although my wife has been good about checking in frequently with me about how Iím dealing with things. She knows that Iíve still got concerns, but Iíve tried to adopt Freetimeís attitude about it...damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead! Deal with the consequences on the other side. Iíve refrained from trying to drag out any control measures like vetoes, or imposed timelines. Iíve not asked for any promises to give the illusion of certainty or security that she may not be able to keep. I havenít asked her to slow down or stop, and the other day she actually made a comment thanking me for it, which was funny since it was the first time Iíd actually considered that it might have been a possibility to do so.

I am a little conflicted though. Iím not entirely comfortable with the future of my wifeís new bf. Heís got a factor in his life that could result in him doing things that will end up hurting my wife if he doesnít negotiate things very carefully.


I asked to be kept informed of when things were likely to happen, and so it seems weíre finally on the cusp of passing through the crucible. So I find myself again trying to seek compersion and failing. Trying to keep anxiety at bay, and bring unsure of where itís all coming from.
How many of these will sound familiar to others?
  • I try not to play the competition game. It does nothing positive for self-worth, and my wife is so competitive I wouldnít be able to help but lose anyways. If sheís now open to other guys, then she may have no issues in the future finding people willing to give her affection. As a guy, the playing field is much different, and having been told twice recently how not-pretty-enough I am, itís hard not to fall into a vicious cycle that makes it very difficult to be positive about my prospects for dating my own self. (On a side note, thereís an envy vector here as the bf doesnít seem to have too much trouble getting female attention, from more than just my wife) Thereís probably also a time issue here too that I might need to revisit later, in that my wife is already a busy person with a lot of time away from home for hobbies. While her gf once upon a time asked ME to guarantee HER a date night with my wife at least once every 2 weeks, she rarely lived up to her part of the bargain to take my wife away that often! By contrast, my wife had already been spending an increasing amount of time with the bf even beforehand. So perhaps I need to make better efforts to make sure weíre getting our quality time again
  • The usual scripts are supposed to kick in, and perhaps thatís what Iím concerned about? Am I less a man because my wife is seeking comfort in another? (She was doing this before anyways with a woman, so what really has changed?) Am I going to be suddenly not enough, or undesirable at all? More importantly, am I *actually* concerned about this? Or do I just think I should be? When I was about to get married I had a period of doubt which had nothing to do with my own concerns, but the constant echo of friends in my ears telling me about why I should be fearing marriage. Eventually the echoing was loud enough that I had to ask myself if maybe I should be worried about marriage, if others were seeing something I wasnít. Is this a similar thing where the scripts tell me I should be worried? Am I ignoring legitimate worries just because I think it might be like those old echoes, and Iím trying to tune it out? Itís a paradoxical vortex that has nowhere to go but down.
  • Am I hesitant just because I havenít had time to process? Should I have tried to slow things down? Am I just playing along as the dutiful husband and a good poly partner because I donít want to be *that guy* who has a patriarchal double standard or de-facto OPP? Am I intentionally ignoring warning signs or possible issues because it would be too easy to mistake as my own insecurities and I donít want to seem petty? Is the self-imposed pressure of having to be supportive in the wake of my wife being dumped making me drive towards a higher standard of behavior than Iím actually ready for? If I am being blind to warning signs because Iím trying to behave, what happens when the warning comes true and Iím not ready for it? Or am I simply past the point of these considerations being an issue and I am in-fact at the point of being comfortable about my wife being with men, and just having trouble admitting it to myself?
  • This will be the first time since weíve been together that my wife has been with another guy she actually loves. Whatever that particular status was, or may have represented will go away once sheís been with him. Part of me wonders about that, possibly curious if Iím having trouble celebrating something that Iím more inclined to mourn. (Mostly on account of the guy before me was such a putz that it was a point of pride for many many years that I was the BBD at the end of that fiasco) Or is this, to borrow from a line from Firefly regarding virginity...it is simply a state of being, in which case the transition from one state to the other is simply a natural progression without any real consequence that need be considered.

All the above things have two facets that mostly balance each other out. Iím not finding the compersion I should in this situation, so I am trying to dig at these various roots to try and get at the core of why Iím not happier about it. What Iíve been finding is that I donít really think any of these is actually *bothering* me.

So here I am, on the eve of my wife possibly consummating her new relationship, and not feeling particularly thrilled about it, but also Iím not upset or fearful. Right now, my best guess is that the compersion-blocker is due to the uncertainty about the bf and the factor that could make everything go sideways and my wife getting hurt. Sheís a big girl, and is aware and accepting of this risk, but as my own very protective nature goes, it doesnít slow me down one iota about keeping vigil on her behalf.

I feel...neutral. Which I suppose is better than some of the alternatives. Hopefully soon the near term unknowns that are casting shadows on the situation will shake out, and for better or worse, weíll get some clarity.




And then maybe...just maybe, once I feel better about everything, I can get back to sorting myself out, and finding a way to get fewer not-pretty-enough speeches. Two in a week, you know what we say about what the common factor is when we get the same results in relationships with different people...itíd be me.







Tune in next time when youíll hear someone say, ďYou wouldnít believe how big it was!!Ē
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  #133  
Old 06-20-2013, 11:21 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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You aren't THAT ugly.

(i am prettier than you though. You probably agree.)

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  #134  
Old 06-21-2013, 03:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
Tune in next time when youíll hear someone say, ďYou wouldnít believe how big it was!!Ē
It always comes down to that, doesn't it?
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  #135  
Old 06-23-2013, 08:24 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
It always comes down to that, doesn't it?
I don't know what you're talking about...it was a fishing story...honest!
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  #136  
Old 06-25-2013, 04:26 PM
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Ouch. You have a gift, my friend, of talking about your shit that turns it into poly gold for people who need to learn a few things. I especially like that you expressed your feelings about being sidelined by a drama llama. Sooo been there. Remember your feelings are just as valid.

You and your wife are awesome, and I'm pretty sure you'll keep on being that way. Hugs to you both and hope to see you again soon. We miss you guys!
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  #137  
Old 08-05-2013, 11:59 AM
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Unhappy Broken, ...

I donít know whatís wrong. There seems to be something broken, and Iím starting to expect itís me...but I donít know what the problem is, Iím just cringing at the constant sound of grinding gears. The following is probably going to be a confused stream of consciousness, incoherent and nonsensical...but such is my state right now.



Iím finding myself still trying to come to terms with the nature of my wifeís new relationship. Things with her new bf have settled out a bit in terms of the earlier concerns I had. But Iím still not really feeling better about things, and itís starting to annoy me that I canít seem to just ďget over it!Ē


They are spending a lot of time together, and I find family events are being increasingly blended. This probably shouldnít be a problem, but Iíve been getting increasingly sensitive about having my life planned for me, and while thereís been steps made to mitigate that issue, I often donít feel I have the room to maneuver, the space to sort myself out. With all my wifeís extra-curricular activities, she keeps trying to kick me out of the house once in a while since Iím at home with the kids all the time. But it doesnít help that my inclinations these days is to stay home in my office...which in terms of getting out of the house and time away from the kids, and mess, and other house stuff, is counterproductive.


Iím trying not to be too conscious of the time she spends with her bf, and I tease her a fair amount in an attempt to make the situation light. Itís a kind of litmus test for me that Iím still cool with things. I donít know if itís working. Iím really trying not to run comparisons, or keep score, or dwell on the issues I have with my own relationships, or lack there-of. Iím really really hoping that most of my issues around this are a matter of classical conditioning, and societal scripts that keep kicking me in the head. Previously when she was with a gf, my own internal dialog was anywhere between content and excited. Now...Iím not getting that. And I have to keep reminding myself that my wife is not a fire hydrant, and Iím not a dog needing to mark my territory. (Not the least of which is that isnít on either of our particular list of fetishes, so Iíd probably get bludgeoned for it)


Itís also possible that Iíve been reading too many of the tragic cases in poly! The marriage that turns into a sexless and perhaps loveless trudging through time, after a partner discovers a BBD partner and loses interest in the spouse. (In reference to the last post, in case it was missed, BBD = Bigger, Better Deal) Or our favourite late night paid programming advertisement Polyís Go Wild! Where suddenly having the freedom to receive favourable attention, they start seeking it out to the extreme, leaving the original partners in the dust going WTF? (My wife used to restrain herself...and still does...I do recognize that this isnít a rational line of thought, but also how often do we end up having to shrug at unexpected behavior and admit ďPeople change?Ē)

And of course when I dare speak about this concern to my wife, she managed to reverse the whole thing to be my own fault, because if I had half a chance to be the kid in the candy store...we both know I have an incorrigible sweet tooth.


Either way, I still get the feeling that Iím just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
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  #138  
Old 08-05-2013, 12:01 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Angry ..., and adrift

But all this is just standard insecurity crap isnít it? Whatís the broken part? Iíve been starting to get the sense over the last while that Iím just not relating to people properly anymore. Iím inclined to think it has something to do with work, mostly because I have no issues dealing with people there. I have some co-workers that are good friends, and I rarely get the sense when talking to people there that they donít understand me. But it is a culture distinct and separate from the rest. So I not only have trouble getting people to understand me, but often I struggle to interact at all. Many of the social niceties or norms, I wonder sometimes if Iíve just forgotten. So often I go quiet in the middle (and sometimes beginning and end as well) just because I donít know what Iím supposed to say or talk about. Could this be a factor in the less than stellar results Iíve seen when trying to make new friends?



It follows into the rejections I seem to continue to experience. The friends I mentioned before may not have wanted to date me, but at least they still wanted to be friends. Yet then thereís the rejection suffered at the hands of a friend that I still donít understand. A friend of almost 2 years recently decided to excise me from her life entirely, without so much as a BTW. Sparing you the boring details, I thought I was doing everything that a good friend was supposed to do, supporting them through rough times, and visiting occasionally to stay in touch. Suddenly I was apparently doing things wrong...which was entertaining since the sudden complaint was for something that they had TOLD ME to do the last time we had met. It was sudden and bewildering for me...but of course my wife saw it coming, and had a good ďTold you soĒ moment. Despite the warning, given that I might actually be screwed up enough to consider leaning on friends for a change, instead of always propping them up, the timing of this incident stung a bit.

Being sort of but not really on the heels of another friend of over 20 years who decided our friendship wasnít worth the paper we clean our bottoms with; this kind of thing starts to make me wonder what Iím doing wrong? I get not being pretty enough to date, but not pretty enough to even be friends with, doesnít make sense to me.

And mostly I think these things just make me really really angry. It feels like a betrayal. And regardless of the whole friend-zone meme debate going on around FB these days, thatís another discussion, but not what this is about. Iím used to unrequited love. Itís pretty standard for me to have feelings that run in one direction, and need to be quashed at some point or another. Thatís fine. But Iím sick and tired of being the proper dutiful supportive friend who puts blood sweat & tears into a friendship, just to have them bail. Any my remaining friends wonder why Iím so reluctant to lean on anything that isnít nailed to the wall!


Thereís probably a reason that IRL my attraction centre is all messed up, where I get drawn to women who donít date men..., since if thereís no possibility or expectation that theyíd accept me as a date, thereís no disappointment when nothing happens.



Between friend abandonment issues, and non-dating woes, this seems to be leading down the path of whatís the fucking point. The apathy seems to be kicking in, where I wonder why have an OKC profile when so many letters are met with silence, and with the thread on the forum about the shit messages other guys send, or the winners who have contaminated my wifeís message box with their useless drivel, lies, and other crap, itís no bloody wonder.



Part of me wants to rattle the bars of the invisible cage and rage against the night. I want to fight back and find the solutions to fix whateverís wrong...but then I find out that basically, ...
I have nothing to complain about...
When Iíve tried using others as a sounding board for any of this tripe, Iíve been basically getting a similar message coming back to me. STFU. Usually itís accompanied by a roshambo because in the moment of trying to sort out my shit, Iíve failed to take into account someone elseís feelings on the subject.


So apparently itís time to learn that sometimes the best way to communicate, communicate, communicate is to Shut the Fuck Up!


I canít say that time with metaís makes me feel like a cattle getting pushed through the chutes to the slaughterhouse. That would make them feel bad, or as if I didnít want to spent time with them at all. Theyíre genuinely good people, and are not responsible that Iím all fucked up. And time with them makes my wife happy...so STFU.

I canít tell my wife to date women. Itís entirely self-serving, and sheíd feel pressured. I canít use reverse psychology and tell her to not date women, since sheíd just see through it anyways. STFU.

I canít talk about my irrational fears of her having a kid in the candy store phase; since itís obviously itís just because thatís what I would do. STFU. More importantly, perhaps these discussions just become the catalyst by which people get fed up being around me? So if I keep talking about my insecure crap, the more likely it is that sheíd just decide I was becoming more effort than I was worth.
So again...STFU.

I canít tell my remaining friends that I feel rejected or pissed off because a couple friends bailed on me. After all, THEY didnít abandon or reject me. STFU.

I canít tell my (lady) friends how frustrating it is to have so many messages online met by silence, because theyíve had many months of messages and dates with numerous guys, but not the sufficient quality for what they want. STFU.

Canít comment on not getting out of the house, because most of the time when I do have the chance, I stay at home anyways. STFU.

Canít even justify searching for a gf, since itís not like my marriage is actually missing anything. Having a gf just to have an excuse to leave the house (see above), wouldnít be fair to her. Admitting that I still want a gf, Iím afraid of triggering my wifeís insecurities. If I did have one, that might cause scheduling issues for her and her bf, and after the rest of this blog, what appearance would that have? The whole thing is just a giant bottomless free-refills cup of STFU!

Thereís probably plenty more I could add, but itís time for me to STFU some more.



So instead of talking about any of my crap, I just need to STFU. I need to HOLD FAST, white knuckled at the coming events, and take shelter in old familiar patterns and try taking my mind off things.



As usual though, it is still not working. It still builds the frustration. Iím not happy with several things about myself lately, and Iím angry at a lot of things, and itís not entirely focused on a discernible cause. And of course my wife is seeing it...and keeps asking. But I need to STFU.


So many things I canít tell her, canít say, lest it be taken the wrong way. Things I canít say because I donít want to be THAT guy! And because I donít want to make it into a self-fulfilling prophecy where I say whatever is needed for her to reject me in a way that would make my worst fears come true.



All I CAN do, is hold her tight, and tell her that I love her...
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  #139  
Old 08-05-2013, 12:01 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Unhappy Sympathyís and condolences

And then to put everything in perspective, we heard some very sad news last night, about the passing of a dear friend in a nearby poly community.

Someone lively, friendly, and full of awesome, who we had the great pleasure of knowing, though all too briefly, and not nearly as well as we would have liked.

And in a single instant, all the previous seems ludicrous, and really thereís nothing that needs attention right now.


Because right now, all my thoughts, hugs, and support, woefully distant as it may be, is with her friends, and her family.
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  #140  
Old 08-06-2013, 12:57 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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So middle of a road trip on my phone rating a McDonalds breakfast and wanted to send out some support. I saw your post last night and really wanted to get to a PC to send some support.

Current on my phone and posting of forums kinda blows haha..

First.. If you ever need a break.. You have some old and new friends in the van area willing to talk shop and game if you need that. ( game as in gups or something)

Its hard to think in poly when poly seems so constricted to.. Umm.. Well normal people. I am just a dude who like(d) kegs of beer football and swould likely be labelled a jock by most. I struggle in poly because I find I don't have enough in common. In general.. To bother being romantically involved.. But it does happen. (Romance and sex separated of course.. Finding sexual partners is not the same as finding relationships)

I wonder if you suffer from roles. Do you friend girls without putting yourself truley out there? ( I am gonna throw my phone through a window)... Outside poly this would be called game. I realize on paper it sounds bad but girls get the friend zone thing from how guys act towards them.

Now that can get you in a sticky situation. Some people once they realize friendship isn't the only end goal they shut down.. Kind of a lame and immature response ... But you can still foster great friendships after successfully getting your flirt on. But how will they ever know if you don't out yourself out there.

OK really I have a lot more I could say. If the others were on here I know they would too.. Hope the post makes some sense. Really hard to build a cohesive thought on a 4 inch screen.
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