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  #361  
Old 08-17-2012, 08:12 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Default what my friend told me this morning

I can participate in other peoples lives but I don't have to go and save them. A little nudge there, a thought here.
If they choose to continue being self - destructive, no amount of tea in China is going to save them from their own destruction. It's sometimes hard but I've had to let them do what they do out of respect for their journey.
Sometimes it's enough when I deal with my own shit first.
Often enough if I just leave them well alone, they miraculously recover, or go into some form of self recovery. All this with the price of just paying attention to me.
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  #362  
Old 08-17-2012, 10:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
I can participate in other peoples lives but I don't have to go and save them. A little nudge there, a thought here.
If they choose to continue being self - destructive, no amount of tea in China is going to save them from their own destruction. It's sometimes hard but I've had to let them do what they do out of respect for their journey.
YES YES YES

I've learned this the hard way on more than one occasion and after feeling of being drained and hung out to dry... no more. I have to deal with my own shit. So does everybody else. I can only do so much, I'm only one person, and I refuse to feel bad about it.

Good on you.
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  #363  
Old 08-18-2012, 11:47 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Yup, that's a really good and important insight.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #364  
Old 08-20-2012, 06:02 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Default My sponsor on facing the rainy days

"The journey is mine. I empower myself as a woman and as a spiritual being. No matter who I am."

"If I listen rightly to my inner workings, in time, my spirit will speak the truth."

"I must stop believing all those past reviews, irrespective from whom they came from whom they came from, and most of all, my self-taught self-disliking of me."
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  #365  
Old 01-14-2013, 11:01 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Default There and back again

It's been a while since my last post here, but don't think I've forgotten you guys!

In the meanwhile I've been diagnosed with bipolar type 1. I guess there are worse diagnoses.

I'll probably not be updating terribly often, since at the moment I'm single and dreaming of a nice monogamous relationship for a change, or going solo poly.
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  #366  
Old 01-17-2013, 06:03 PM
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Nice to hear from you again. Glad to hear your getting things sorted out.
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  #367  
Old 01-18-2013, 01:59 AM
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Glad you've arrived at some conclusions, and will able to work with them as you move forward, now that you know what the issues are.

Nice to see you again!
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  #368  
Old 06-20-2013, 09:05 AM
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Default Back to poly: a full circle

As it happens, I'm back at poly after a year of singlehood. And as it happens, I'm back together again with my partners from 2011, namely Vanilla and MoonlightRunner.

At the moment I'm flying solo, and don't have the need to have a primary. Vanilla lives together with Pistachio, who is a straight male. They have been together for approximately 9 months. MoonlightRunner is still together with his wife, Windflower.

I hope to be blogging more these days, since my poly life has come a full circle. Especially with Vanilla, we are taking things super-slow, to avoid bad NRE decisions.
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  #369  
Old 06-20-2013, 05:58 PM
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Default Relationship skills: Security and Self-soothing

These two are the relationship skills I am practicing right now. Mainly in my relationship with Vanilla, whatever form that will take.

With the security issue, I've gained a lot of insight from Franklin Veaux's article Becoming Secure (http://www.morethantwo.com/becomingsecure.html). Basically, he says you have to fake it to make it. So instead of sending anxious messages to Vanilla and not getting responses and blaming it all on myself for not being interesting enough or whatever, I will think that her response rate has nothing to do with me, but is more a reflection of her schedules and other commitments.

Self-soothing is something that was covered in the book Lesbian Couples by D. Merilee Clunis and G. Dorsey Green. They write on page 38 "In the context of separateness and togetherness, self-soothing is the ability to calm your feelings when your partner moves closer or farther away emotionally. If your anxiety signals a problem that you two need to discuss, and you can self-soothe enough to talk about it, you are more likely to be emotionally present for that conversation. If your reactive feeling is triggered by the past and is not really about your partner, self-soothing and containing gives you time to figure out what is really going on."
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  #370  
Old 06-20-2013, 07:09 PM
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Quote:
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So instead of sending anxious messages to Vanilla and not getting responses and blaming it all on myself for not being interesting enough or whatever, I will think that her response rate has nothing to do with me, but is more a reflection of her schedules and other commitments.
I fully understand this. I fall into the trap of thinking people (specifically my husband) are ignoring my messages on purpose and then start to doubt myself and my worth. It's all bullshit, half the time they never got the message or missed it because it came in at the same time as 3 other work related messages, etc. One of the tricks I do is, when I'm on a lunch break or on my way home from work, or when I know they have time available, I call the person (no texting) and ask if they got my message - usually the answer is NO. This is a self defeatist/harming trap to fall into. It also might help to discuss with people their habits when it comes to messaging. Do they ignore everything until they have time to deal with it later, do they answer everything immediately or do they have to think about things for hours before responding, etc.

So glad to hear things are coming back together for you!
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