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  #21  
Old 06-19-2013, 08:54 PM
Wifeto2 Wifeto2 is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
So you weren't mono for the first few years, you had casual swinger type sex some.

we had threesomes not swinging. We had talked about it but decided not to it

That is more accurate, a 2 bi women, one straight guy, 3way sex. Usually poly fidelitous, no other lovers for anyone.

yes

So things got a bit dire with your h, to the point of separating... then you somehow met this woman and fell in love. Then you and dh got back together (maybe still some unresolved issues there), and somehow she also had feelings for him. Had you and her had sex before she met dh or did things not become sexual at all til the man arrived on the scene?

yes. We were reevaluated where we were. I met her and formed a great friendship. Dh and I do still have issues that we are trying to work through. We know that adding another will not fix us. She has met dh and has always wanted this. Her and myself had not had sex before dh came back around. I tend to move really slowly when it comes to relationships.

Becoming fluid bonded already? After 2 sex sessions? Has everyone been tested for STDs?

yes. We have all been tested and are clean. We made sure of this. We would not have gone there without so.

Do you get to hang out with new gf during the week? Does she not have sex one on one with you?

i do. She has 3 children and dh and I have 4. We do not have sex. Like I said I move really slow. We have cuddled but not anything else

So, great for her... for you, left unsatisfied?

yes I was left unsatisfied.

This is called "new relationship energy" in poly circles. Men and women go through it, the extra excitement for sex and being with the new partner. It needs to be managed or sometimes the first partner can feel left out. Sometimes you might feel renewed desire for your first partner (as you do), sometimes you just want the new partner (as he does). Too bad you're at odds here.

thanks. It does suck but we r working on it

Will he or you ever cum for each other again? Probably, but you should be aware of this NRE thing and work hard to manage it.
we are. Thank you.
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  #22  
Old 06-19-2013, 09:09 PM
Wifeto2 Wifeto2 is offline
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[QUOTE=london;210671]You firstly just have to let go and trust. When things improve for all of you, that will

I was thinking that, just hard for me to say the words

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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
Letting go and trusting doesn't always happen in the same action, BTW. Sometimes it's more like letting go, feeling hurt, discussing and working through the hurt, and eventually coming to a place of trust when you see, repeatedly, that you can.

You won't be able to know how to trust, though, if you don't risk it being broken. Good luck.
thank you. I have.

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Originally Posted by london View Post
See, honestly, in this particular circumstance,i think she just has to deal with the hurt or whatever. I don't think it's reasonable to keep going on and on about how arduous this is but that's because I believe that poly shouldn't be hard work. If you have to really work that hard at it and it causes you that much problems, it probably isn't for you. Sometimes, especially in poly relationships, people work far to hard at making something futile work. So whilst I agree letting go and trusting doesn't happen all at once, I don't think there is much anyone can do for the type of insecurity the OP feels. It's a personal thing.
thats wht I m thinking

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Originally Posted by CattivaGattina View Post
So in otherwords he's actually trying to keep things equal with the sex rule by not having sex with you without her present because the fact that you both need to be there in order for her to be sexual with either of you basically is putting her in a position of a sex toy.

Like everyone has said, let them have sex without you (and you have sex with her and not have him present) and you'll probably have a husband who wants to have sex with you again.

Otherwise you might lose BOTH your husband and your girlfriend if you can't get rid of that rule.
thanks.

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Originally Posted by Flowerchild View Post
Yes, please get rid of the arbitrary rules, that only serve to put your girlfriend in an extremely awkward, and almost certainly unwanted, situation. It's good to have rules and boundaries, but maybe think of why you have them before you set them up?

For example, the no cum rule? What the hell for? And the no sex with just her and you, and her and him, makes it sound like you are (in fact you rather admitted as much) insecure with YOUR and HIS relationship.

And, if that is truly the case, then it isn't fair to lead your girlfriend on with the idea that you will truly care for her, and be happy for her relationship with him. She'll only end up getting pushed out, or feel like she's pushed you out, if it comes to that. Don't do that, please.
thank u

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Originally Posted by Flowerchild View Post
@Wifeto2:

Why don't you make a point of making date nights for each of you as a couple? Not only might that help you and your husband with your own relationship, it'll probably be good for you to have some personal time, while the two of them go off? Same goes for him and for her.
thank u. I m having them go out for an afternoon date on sat. They r going shopping for her. I can't wait to see wht comes back.

i want to thank everyone for their input. I really appreciate it. I took a shower and let myself feel every emotion I had. Gf and I talked. I cried and took comfort in her being there. But I told her that it was ok with me for them to have sex without me. She said she didn't want to if I wasn't ok with it. I told her it was ok with me. I just needed her and dh to be patient with me and my feelings but I wanted her to be happy with dh. Then I had a convo with him. I threw him for loop saying they could. We have spent the rest of the communicating. I think getting my feelings out about it and talking through it helped. I am no longer crying when i think about it. im not jumping up and diwn for joy but i want them to be happy too. It is still going to take work but I think we are going in the right direction.
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  #23  
Old 06-20-2013, 04:16 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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Originally Posted by Wifeto2 View Post
Thank you for responding. My only worry (stems maybe from insecurity) that is because they are having sex that he isn't going to want to have sex with me anymore. I guess I worry about being replaced as his sexual partner.
This is a valid and common worry, here is how i feel about it. I sleep with BF on Monday, later that day i could see spouse and still want to bang him too. Why? Not because im a sex maniac, but because I want the connection, intamicy, and hottness, with BOTH of them (we are a V, not a triad) I can have all the sex in the world with one and and still want the other. Spouse and I even find it helps to share our encounters with others, and discuss the things that we like that are between the two of us.
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Last edited by gorgeouskitten; 06-20-2013 at 04:19 PM.
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  #24  
Old 06-20-2013, 04:54 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
This is a valid and common worry, here is how i feel about it. I sleep with BF on Monday, later that day i could see spouse and still want to bang him too. Why? Not because im a sex maniac, but because I want the connection, intamicy, and hottness, with BOTH of them (we are a V, not a triad) I can have all the sex in the world with one and and still want the other. Spouse and I even find it helps to share our encounters with others, and discuss the things that we like that are between the two of us.
Same here (though I *am* a sex maniac, ahem), even if I have sex for hours with Ginger, I still want miss pixi too, after Ginger leaves. She's all, "Ginger didn't do his job satisfying you?" I respond, "Oh yes he did, but I still want the connection and bonding with you as well!"
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  #25  
Old 06-20-2013, 05:15 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Default Insecurity

I feel insecure sometimes. I see that your biggest worry is that you will be replaced as a (sexual) partner by your gf. Ask yourself how likely that is. Is your husband with you just because he hasn't found anyone else, or are you special to him?

Sometimes you need to fake it to make it. Insecurity is like a constant tape playing out in our heads "I'm not fun/sexy/smart/pretty enough". Or even "If my partner truly knew what I was like, they wouldn't want me anymore". So instead of listening to this broken record, try switching your internal dialogue to something constructive instead. "My partner is with me because they value me as a person, not just because they can't find someone else. They have the option to walk away anytime, yet they choose to be with me instead."
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  #26  
Old 06-21-2013, 01:01 AM
Wifeto2 Wifeto2 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gorgeouskitten View Post
This is a valid and common worry, here is how i feel about it. I sleep with BF on Monday, later that day i could see spouse and still want to bang him too. Why? Not because im a sex maniac, but because I want the connection, intamicy, and hottness, with BOTH of them (we are a V, not a triad) I can have all the sex in the world with one and and still want the other. Spouse and I even find it helps to share our encounters with others, and discuss the things that we like that are between the two of us.
See that is how I am with dh. Gf and I havnt done anything sexually without dh yet so we ll see if that happens. To top all of this off this is my first sexual relationship with a female without dh around.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Same here (though I *am* a sex maniac, ahem), even if I have sex for hours with Ginger, I still want miss pixi too, after Ginger leaves. She's all, "Ginger didn't do his job satisfying you?" I respond, "Oh yes he did, but I still want the connection and bonding with you as well!"
it is about connecting with him. I know when he ejaculates I have done my job as a partner right.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
I feel insecure sometimes. I see that your biggest worry is that you will be replaced as a (sexual) partner by your gf. Ask yourself how likely that is. Is your husband with you just because he hasn't found anyone else, or are you special to him?

Sometimes you need to fake it to make it. Insecurity is like a constant tape playing out in our heads "I'm not fun/sexy/smart/pretty enough". Or even "If my partner truly knew what I was like, they wouldn't want me anymore". So instead of listening to this broken record, try switching your internal dialogue to something constructive instead. "My partner is with me because they value me as a person, not just because they can't find someone else. They have the option to walk away anytime, yet they choose to be with me instead."
thank you. I have told both of them to go ahead if they wanted. I'm still struggling with the insecurity at times but I'm managing it.

I have said to gf and dh that I need them to be patient with me and my insecurities and that it was something I needed to work through. Should I bring up every time I'm feeling insecure? I worry about making them feel bad. I don't want that.
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  #27  
Old 06-21-2013, 09:43 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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There is a world of difference in saying "I feel insecure, so you need to stop doing what you are doing so I can work on my insecurities", and saying "I feel insecure, but that's about me and my issue to work on, but I need you to be patient with me while I'm on this journey."
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  #28  
Old 06-21-2013, 10:58 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
See, honestly, in this particular circumstance,i think she just has to deal with the hurt or whatever. I don't think it's reasonable to keep going on and on about how arduous this is but that's because I believe that poly shouldn't be hard work. If you have to really work that hard at it and it causes you that much problems, it probably isn't for you. Sometimes, especially in poly relationships, people work far to hard at making something futile work. So whilst I agree letting go and trusting doesn't happen all at once, I don't think there is much anyone can do for the type of insecurity the OP feels. It's a personal thing.
In my experience, all relationships take a certain amount of work. The exception is the short-lived, casual, no complications type.

I've heard of a small handful of couples who have been married 30 years and never had an argument. By and large, humans have different needs and desires and it will always take work to work that out. Add more people, you're bound to add more work.
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  #29  
Old 06-21-2013, 11:49 AM
london london is offline
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I might start a separate thread on this, but I'm in the camp that believes that poly relationships are not inherently harder work than monogamous ones. So being poly isn't harder work than being monogamous, or shouldn't be, at least.
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  #30  
Old 06-21-2013, 12:07 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
I might start a separate thread on this, but I'm in the camp that believes that poly relationships are not inherently harder work than monogamous ones. So being poly isn't harder work than being monogamous, or shouldn't be, at least.
Hmmm, my guess is you'd be in a minority there London, a thread on the topic is a good idea, it would be nice to see what others say.
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