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  #11  
Old 06-20-2013, 12:27 PM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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blindingly obvious perhaps, but it may be a useful reminder to me someday...

Love is accepting people as they are - without judgement or pressure to change.

Love is making people feel valued.
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  #12  
Old 06-29-2013, 02:27 AM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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My boyfriend broke up with me tonight.
I'd wondered if it was coming for quite a while. It's been really confusing - he seems so happy when he's with me, but he treated me pretty badly when he wasn't. I'd been trying to sort our which were my issues that I was overreacting to and which were legitimate complaints. Plus trying not to ask too much when he was going through a lot that was really stressful in his life outside of me. In comparison all my issues are just small change.
In some ways its a relief, in that at least things will finally make sense.
But damn I'm going to miss the good parts. Because I really enjoyed the times when I was with him.

He couldn't be what I really wanted, and I tried to just accept what he could give. I think I'd gotten pretty good about it.

I don't know yet why he ultimately couldn't handle it. Maybe it was the rest of life, and maybe it was me. or maybe he was just done, though it really didn't seem that way when we were together.

We'll talk next week. He's lousy at talking about our relationship, and I've never understood why, though my sense has been that he just doesn't like self-reflection. Plus maybe that he feels bad when he does it, and probably because he doesn't want to hurt me.

I'm probably unrealistic in my hope that now that we've broken up he'll be more able to talk, but that is what I'm hoping.
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  #13  
Old 07-03-2013, 03:06 AM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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So we had a really good talk and decided that neither of us wanted to split up after all.
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  #14  
Old 08-31-2013, 11:54 AM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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meaning and value of attachment in different systems and whether there is a contradiction - one starting point

http://nobo.komagata.net/pub/Komagata09-Xtachment.pdf
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  #15  
Old 10-05-2013, 01:39 AM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Back home after my regular Friday evening out with my boyfriend. It's been 2+ years now. Definitely there have been some rough patches, but we are in a very good phase right now. It really feels secure, stable, with a level of trust on both sides that it took us a while (and some missteps) to get to. He has become so much more open in talking about himself. Undoubtedly the fact that I am far more accepting of who he is now has helped, as has that I can ask questions without a constant subtext of insecurity.

Anyway, we are happy, we had fun, and it feels awesome to have managed to get here.

As a random aside, I have noticed that my (platonic) female friends have taken to saying 'love you'. And this is how I feel towards them as well, but it is also new; it was not a feature of friendships before. Interesting.
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  #16  
Old 06-04-2014, 10:37 AM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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I have trust issues sometimes with Z, due to
1- an old tendency towards insecurity
2- knowledge that sometimes he chooses to not be honest in relationships

This is far less of a problem than it used to be. I used to cycle somewhat regularly through some pretty severe anxiety, and now I am very rarely triggered.

However, today I was. Too many out of the ordinary things seemed to be coinciding, in a way that made me apprehensive. I couldn't come up with a good reason he would need to be dishonest, and in fact the idea didn't really make sense, but nonetheless I started getting convinced that something was going on and being kept a secret, and the lack of logic wasn't enough to convince me otherwise.

I don't believe he's obligated to share all info with me - he can have secrets and privacy - but feeling that he's inventing stories makes me very uncomfortable. This sort of tension is really unpleasant and distracting and can be hard to break out of on my own.

Also, it was unclear whether we would have a chance to meet, and I wanted to check on some scheduling issues with him. I generally can't count on addressing things over the phone.

I decided to try to address the problem somewhat directly (while trying to not trigger him by being distrustful) and sent him a message saying "today feels weird; is something going on?" I knew there was a chance he wouldn't be able to respond, but I figured I might as well try to get help breaking the cycle. I knew a bit of contact would help, and didn't think the lack of an answer would make me feel worse.

I think that previously I would have been more likely to either suffer through the tension or to send a message that didn't acknowledge that I was feeling off balance, and so would not seem to need a reply.

Anyway, it all worked out; he sent a short response that helped me to calm down, and we did manage to meet after all.

It all looks quite childish written out here. It doesn't make sense, getting caught in that negative emotional cycle, but it can be hard to escape from the cycle once it starts. Its good to remind myself of something that helped me escape - even though it'd be better to manage it without needing help. Also good to remind myself once again that my mistrustfulness is often not warranted, and that anxiety can be very disconnected from reality.
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