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  #61  
Old 02-16-2013, 08:12 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Didn't realize it had been so long since I've written here. This illness has kicked my ass.

I read a forum for aspies, giving and requesting advice for relationships - one to another and NTs with aspies. It was quite inspiring. (and yes, that name for them was in the name of the forum) I feel like I learned a lot. Stuff I already knew, but now I know it with a different label, and a different way to relate to the knowledge.


Today, which sucked, and in which I chose myself first (over and over):

So I went back to work for the first full day in almost three full weeks. I'm glad I chose Friday before holiday. It was pretty quiet and everyone was as mellow as they get. Next Tuesday, I anticipate much suckage. But today was pretty tolerable. I remembered to feed myself at lunch. I remembered to pee. I remembered to take myself across the street for a snack before they closed and because I just needed to get out for a minute.

I have someone at work who had a baby, even though she had not known she was pregnant. Quite a shock; and after I got over all my empathy and shock for her, I got very sad, because i realized I'm out a staff person! I went to see them tonight (baby is not yet home) and it was lovely to see them. When I left, I realized I felt distressed and unsettled, so I thought about what I could do to comfort myself.

When I got home, I called my parents. It was helpful just to be able to talk about it out loud. Also, (because my life wasn't fun enough with all this illness) my step mom had a biopsy this morning. So I got to talk that through as well. She was surprised, she hadn't thought it would hurt quite as much as it did. Probably no results for a week.

But it gets weirder.
CBF calls and he's plastered. And hungry. (and without a vehicle) So he asks if he can come over for food. So I say sure. I heat up leftovers for him. He has two bites, and goes to heave all over the bathroom. Yay. Nothing says I love you after a break like heaving all over your bathroom. right?

So he sits back down, and keeps eating. Then starts talking about having a heart attack. Then he asks if I'm going to let him crash in my bed. Riiiight. 'Nope'
And he leaves.
Not really surprised, am I. Not even disappointed. Just wish it was different. Wish we didn't have to go through it.
ETA: I also shared with a good friend on fb, so I knew someone knew what I was up to. And because sharing helps.

FBF has told me he's afraid of the day when I call and say something's happened to CBF. Because it will be me who has to call everyone. OTOH, it may never happen.

I'm really happy I'm waking up alone tomorrow.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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  #62  
Old 06-20-2013, 07:13 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I'm not very regular at this blog thing.

[follow up to the last post, CBF just last week told me a story about telling his boss 'who I am' - and used every possible name except 'ex-gf'. I think he's clear on the concept, I do; but because we're still friends, he, and, sadly, his mom, are a wee bit confused on the concept of not-the-girlfriend-anymore.]

Okay, I feel the need to confess. Declare, maybe more likely. I did confess to TGIG, and that just made me want to say it more. Wondering if there's anyone here who might understand this.

Went to see Carmen (it's my third time to see this performance from The Met, and my fourth Carmen (saw it at La Scala last week)). Elena Garanca is the diva who did what I hadn't considered could be done to me. I'm not given to star worship, or even generally, crushes. But this Carmen, I want to BE her, I want to TAKE her, and I want to be TAKEN by her. I have often experienced one of these three feelings for real people I know, or actors, or characters. But I can't recall ever experiencing all three for one person.

I am so not butch. I have moments I'm inspired to butch-ish acts. But I'm just not. Spent a fair amount of time in therapy working that out (stupid people have spent a lot of time telling me I'm butch, or too butch, because they don't know what to do with a woman who knows, speaks, and follows her own mind). But every now and then, there are women (and I've had few moments with some men), who just make me want to grab them by the hair and throw them down and make them quiver. This Carmen is one.

But I think mostly I want to be her. Not the getting murdered part, obviously. But her sheer delight at snatching life out of very thin air. Her defiance of others' wills for her. Her acceptance of fate, while still living her life. And holy crap, she's gorgeous.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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