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  #11  
Old 06-19-2013, 10:28 AM
Wifeto2 Wifeto2 is offline
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Default Communication

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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Rule number two is not so great either. "talk talk talk talk" how about "listen listen listen listen" or the popular "communicate, Communicate COMMUNICATE". Easier said than done. Everybody running their mouths, wanting to "get their needs met"... "protecting the primary relationship"
Sorry I worded that wrong. We are communicating not talking. Everyone has their turn to communicate their needs.
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  #12  
Old 06-19-2013, 10:41 AM
london london is offline
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Ok.You have issues in you're marriage right now and the fact that your spouse might not want to be your marriage right now is a possibility. You have to ask him. If he does want to be in the marriage and you fear him preferring her over you, you could close your relationship because obviously just ending things with her wouldn't eradicate that fear. Closing your relationship, however, might make him resent you and he could be tempted to cheat. You don't want that. So you could continue with this triad and relax the rules around sex, because after all, you're going to ask him, without repercussions, if he still wants to be married to you. You're going to emphasise that these are three separate relationships that you are having and you want to know what he thinks about your relationship. You know relationships are fluid, being a triad might involve you having a less sexually focused relationship with your husband, hot triad sex and hot sex with your girlfriend. If you need someone, perhaps male, to have sex with, polyamory allows for it. You just have to let go and trust.
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  #13  
Old 06-19-2013, 10:58 AM
Wifeto2 Wifeto2 is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
Ok.You have issues in you're marriage right now and the fact that your spouse might not want to be your marriage right now is a possibility. You have to ask him. If he does want to be in the marriage and you fear him preferring her over you, you could close your relationship because obviously just ending things with her wouldn't eradicate that fear. Closing your relationship, however, might make him resent you and he could be tempted to cheat. You don't want that. So you could continue with this triad and relax the rules around sex, because after all, you're going to ask him, without repercussions, if he still wants to be married to you. You're going to emphasise that these are three separate relationships that you are having and you want to know what he thinks about your relationship. You know relationships are fluid, being a triad might involve you having a less sexually focused relationship with your husband, hot triad sex and hot sex with your girlfriend. If you need someone, perhaps male, to have sex with, polyamory allows for it. You just have to let go and trust.
Thank you for your constructive input. I do want to continue this triad. I care for her a lot and love him. I know there is four relationships here, him and me, him and her, her and me, and the three of us. From talking I see that it is just me being insecure, what tips do you have for me getting over that? We have discussed and he does want to continue our marriage as well as continue our triad. He has already given the go ahead for her and I to do stuff though I'm not quite ready. We snuggle but that's as far as it has gone without dh around.
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  #14  
Old 06-19-2013, 11:54 AM
london london is offline
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You firstly just have to let go and trust. When things improve for all of you, that will build security.
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  #15  
Old 06-19-2013, 12:05 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Letting go and trusting doesn't always happen in the same action, BTW. Sometimes it's more like letting go, feeling hurt, discussing and working through the hurt, and eventually coming to a place of trust when you see, repeatedly, that you can.

You won't be able to know how to trust, though, if you don't risk it being broken. Good luck.
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  #16  
Old 06-19-2013, 12:20 PM
london london is offline
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See, honestly, in this particular circumstance,i think she just has to deal with the hurt or whatever. I don't think it's reasonable to keep going on and on about how arduous this is but that's because I believe that poly shouldn't be hard work. If you have to really work that hard at it and it causes you that much problems, it probably isn't for you. Sometimes, especially in poly relationships, people work far to hard at making something futile work. So whilst I agree letting go and trusting doesn't happen all at once, I don't think there is much anyone can do for the type of insecurity the OP feels. It's a personal thing.
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  #17  
Old 06-19-2013, 01:33 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Originally Posted by Wifeto2 View Post
I figured I needed to do that. I'm having a hard time with it. I am trying not to project our issues and I ask and talk to her about her feelings daily. We started out as good friends first. Any issues we (dh and I) have are not in any way her fault. They are ours.

The sex rule is the typical we can have sex with her together but not him and her or me and her. We as a couple can have sex though its not happening.
So in otherwords he's actually trying to keep things equal with the sex rule by not having sex with you without her present because the fact that you both need to be there in order for her to be sexual with either of you basically is putting her in a position of a sex toy.

Like everyone has said, let them have sex without you (and you have sex with her and not have him present) and you'll probably have a husband who wants to have sex with you again.

Otherwise you might lose BOTH your husband and your girlfriend if you can't get rid of that rule.
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  #18  
Old 06-19-2013, 03:09 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Default Red flag!

Yes, please get rid of the arbitrary rules, that only serve to put your girlfriend in an extremely awkward, and almost certainly unwanted, situation. It's good to have rules and boundaries, but maybe think of why you have them before you set them up?

For example, the no cum rule? What the hell for? And the no sex with just her and you, and her and him, makes it sound like you are (in fact you rather admitted as much) insecure with YOUR and HIS relationship.

And, if that is truly the case, then it isn't fair to lead your girlfriend on with the idea that you will truly care for her, and be happy for her relationship with him. She'll only end up getting pushed out, or feel like she's pushed you out, if it comes to that. Don't do that, please.
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  #19  
Old 06-19-2013, 03:24 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wifeto2 View Post
Dh and I have been married and in a mono relationship for 9 years. We have had our up and downs. We have had threesomes over the past 9 years though we have specifically been mono for the last 5.
So you weren't mono for the first few years, you had casual swinger type sex some.

Quote:
We have talked off and on about having a "sister wife"
A sister wife in the religious sense is 2 women, one man, the women each have sex with the man separately, and do not have sex with each other (F on F).

Quote:
(I know unicorn hunters).
That is more accurate, a 2 bi women, one straight guy, 3way sex. Usually poly fidelitous, no other lovers for anyone.

Quote:
Dh and I split up last summer for a few months to work on ourselves and see if we were still where we wanted to be as far as us. Me and gf met and became friends that summer. I started to really care for her. About a month ago gf had a problem with her oldest daughter and asked for us to help. We did. Dh and gf became close. We started calling her our gf. She loved it and we moved things forward. Things became sexual about two weeks ago.
So things got a bit dire with your h, to the point of separating... then you somehow met this woman and fell in love. Then you and dh got back together (maybe still some unresolved issues there), and somehow she also had feelings for him. Had you and her had sex before she met dh or did things not become sexual at all til the man arrived on the scene?



Quote:
We have rules( gf is fine with them and knows if she feels her needs are not being we will talk and make adjustments)
1. no sex for dh and her without myself being involved. and vice versa.
Probably not the greatest idea.

Quote:
2. talk, talk, talk talk
3. (this one is loosing up) he cannot cum in her.
Becoming fluid bonded already? After 2 sex sessions? Has everyone been tested for STDs?

Quote:
Dh is only home on the weekends because of his job. We had a great first sex experience.
Do you get to hang out with new gf during the week? Does she not have sex one on one with you?

Quote:
This past weekend we focused our attention on gf because she wasn't feeling good and both of us wanted to make her feel good. We spent hours making her cum. Then when she was finished, I wanted some attention and of course dh was done in 2 min. (Usually we lasts hours).
So, great for her... for you, left unsatisfied?

Quote:
The next day I tried starting to do stuff with dh and he just kept giving reasons not to. Then gf would walk in and he would all of sudden want to. It was like a switch, gf in sexual stuff pouring out, gf leave it shut down. That night she was sleeping in our bed and I wanted some. He didn't want to do anything unless she was involved "because it wasn't fair to her". I loved the fact that she got off the night before but was still sexually frustrated and wanted it to be just the two of us. We didnt have anywhere to do it but in our bed where gf was. So I agreed that he could play with her but we were to have intercourse. We got in there and he started playing. Was hard as a rock, until she wasn't showing any interest of doing anything. It went soft like he had one of our kids walk in. The rest of the night he couldn't keep it up. I said something because I was so upset.
Glad you said something.

Quote:
He tried to make it up to me the next day but same thing, he couldn't perform. Now I'm sitting here frustrated in every area. We have talked about it and he thinks it was because she s new and his dick wasn't used to so much attention.
This is called "new relationship energy" in poly circles. Men and women go through it, the extra excitement for sex and being with the new partner. It needs to be managed or sometimes the first partner can feel left out. Sometimes you might feel renewed desire for your first partner (as you do), sometimes you just want the new partner (as he does). Too bad you're at odds here.

Quote:
I'm frustrated because I'm sitting here wondering if he is going to be able to cum with just me again. It make me seriously upset.
Will he or you ever cum for each other again? Probably, but you should be aware of this NRE thing and work hard to manage it.

Quote:
Just to clarify. I do not want gf to go anywhere. I really care for her and want her happiness, dh happiness and our happiness. I love having her around.
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  #20  
Old 06-19-2013, 03:31 PM
Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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Smile Tips?

@Wifeto2:

Why don't you make a point of making date nights for each of you as a couple? Not only might that help you and your husband with your own relationship, it'll probably be good for you to have some personal time, while the two of them go off? Same goes for him and for her.
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