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  #151  
Old 06-18-2013, 05:56 PM
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Yes, this type of video is a good example of why we have rules.
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  #152  
Old 08-25-2013, 06:43 PM
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Question discussion, rules etc

I realize for each person there are different parameters of when a potential new love/mate/date meets our current spouse/partner/lover. I've been on okcupid for a bit and have just started talking with a man who is non-monogamous, is accepting that I am poly and (this is a first) has not discussed having sex or asked for pictures. We are just getting to know each other and he wants to meet me.

I wanted to tell dh last night but he had a bad night at work so the timing didn't feel right. But not telling him right away made me feel like I was hiding something even though I was just waiting for the right moment. This morning while he's getting ready for work, I let him know I'd been talking to someone, who isn't looking for a fwb but is actually interested in more, a possible poly relationship. Lesson 1 and a rule now: do not bring up a potential with dh in the mornings, this is when he feels most unsure of this journey (those fears of his).

During the conversation dh asked when he'd get to meet M (okc guy). I didn't know how to respond as I haven't even met him yet. I don't know if there will even be a connection until we meet. And so we are now at a "boundary/rule" moment. DH and I need to figure out when a new interest meets him and vice versa, me. DH's comment was if I didn't want M and him to meet then I'd be secretive about all of it. That's not my intention at all. I want to be completely open and I don't want to feel like I have to hide anything (except from our kids for now) but that comment has me concerned.

So what I am asking is those who have a thought on this: how soon after the first date, if there is a second, do you introduce a potential interest to your current partners? Also, how to convey to M or any potential that part of dh's and I's "boundaries" we need them to meet each other? I'm sure the new person might feel a bit intimidated. Please remember I'm sort of in a in between place. I haven't met M yet, we have talked on okc about a few things but not about us as we both know there might not be a connection. Do I discuss the meeting of dh on the first date?

Thanks in advance for any and all responses.

PS also, when do I tell M about PR? And vice versa, tell PR about M? Is it when I know it will become more than a few dates?

Last edited by alibabe_muse; 08-25-2013 at 06:50 PM.
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  #153  
Old 08-25-2013, 07:00 PM
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Murf didn't meet Butch until 6 months into our relationship.

I personally could not deal with my husband requiring to meet my potential dates. He is nor the one dating them. Now if they will be meeting my kids that is a different story.
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  #154  
Old 08-25-2013, 09:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Murf didn't meet Butch until 6 months into our relationship.

I personally could not deal with my husband requiring to meet my potential dates. He is nor the one dating them. Now if they will be meeting my kids that is a different story.
When did you tell Butch about Murf?

I am more relaxed about this so when DH has a date, I don't really see myself needing to meet her. Depending on how I feel, right now I don't see any reason why DH would need to meet M. He says he wants me to be "safe" but I'm a big girl and not our teen daughter on her first date.

I'm thinking DH is (why not to discuss in the morning) having issues with control more than anything else. It appears we need more discussion so I can feel comfortable setting up a date to meet M.
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  #155  
Old 08-25-2013, 09:12 PM
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He knew about him from the get go.

My husband gets no say in my relationship with Murf. Unless it effects our kids or him financially. I am a big girl and don't need my husband marking his territory.
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Last edited by Dagferi; 08-25-2013 at 09:15 PM.
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  #156  
Old 08-25-2013, 09:36 PM
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I just started out as poly recently myself. My new relationship is shy of 2 weeks old, so I am coming from a place of NRE.

My guy and I decided to make our fourth lunch date include my husband, and then hubby went back to work while we spent the rest of the day snuggling at the park. I met his wife yesterday. So, it has been quick for us, but he thought it was important so we both knew that the other wasn't cheating. That said, both of our partners are feeling extreme compersion and just as much happiness, so they were open to meet us. If my DH had been struggling with fear and jealousy, I don't think I would have done introductions so quickly.

We don't have any rules - neither spouse has veto power, so it was all good.
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  #157  
Old 08-25-2013, 10:48 PM
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After comments and what I felt inside (he's working today) I sent him a text asking if we still need more discussions, am I not meeting any of his current needs, that our relationship with PR is just sex (not an emotional relationship) and it seems like he's not emotionally ready yet for me to meet some one, and that the whole when do I meet M felt like a control issue.

He called me back to discuss and basically (rule #1) don't bring any thing up in the morning. Mid day is probably best. This is where I let him know when I end up sitting on a subject, it puts me into a position of feeling like I'm not being upfront, but as long as he is okay with me waiting to discuss when he's in an awake mind frame, then I can wait. The whole meeting thing was more long-term, if it goes further and if activities with M are done with the kids, etc.

Glad this was figured out quickly. Oh I hope the word "veto" in my house will only be heard from the TV when Big Brother is on.

thanks for the replies and it looks like i'm having a date early Wednesday evening with M.
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  #158  
Old 08-26-2013, 02:19 AM
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I tell n anytime I'm talking to anyone. We both enjoy telling each other about the people we talk to. We go and meet people whenever we feel like it. I wouldn't introduce n to people unless I really plan on seeing them long term on either romantic or friendship level. Neither of us have any jealousy issues and dont expect to meet anyone
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  #159  
Old 08-26-2013, 03:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alibabe_muse View Post
So what I am asking is those who have a thought on this: how soon after the first date, if there is a second, do you introduce a potential interest to your current partners?
I think of my romantic partners with the same courtesy and priority assignment as I do my good friends.

If I meet a new buddy, we hang out, enjoy each others company and I want to introduce him to some of my other crew... I see if he wants to join us for some kind of future get together. My friends would never DREAM of telling me when I need to introduce my new friend. We are all adults in which none of us claim any ownership of each others lives.

So my approach to the situation would be "do they want to meet my partner?" If the answer is "yes" then I try to arrange a meeting for us that would be fun for everyone, if the answer is "no" then I do not.
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  #160  
Old 08-26-2013, 04:07 AM
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I don't meet any new potential partners without taking along one of my current partners.
For me; there's the safety if I were to meet someone online (which has only happened once) &
there is the ensuring that the new person KNOWS without a doubt that when I say I am HAPPILY involved with two men-I mean HAPPILY and that it isn't a "sneaky fuck behind the wall" thing or a "maybe she'll leave if I'm good enough" situation either.

It has evolved into a boundary because it's how I am-and they've taken that on for themselves as well. But it was always that way for me (I was in open relationships prior to marrying Maca).

I always ensure that anyone I start talking to knows within minutes about both Maca and GG. I always ensure that Maca and GG knows about the other person the same day.
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