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  #21  
Old 06-18-2013, 03:13 PM
onoma onoma is offline
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Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
I don't doubt that she loves you.
I do...

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I don't doubt that you love her. But you two each want something fundamentally different. She wants to be your one and only. Nothing wrong with wanting to have that type of relationship. However, that is not the type of relationship that you want. So the basis of the relationship between you is that you are both doing all of this manipulative shit in order to get the other to fit into the mold you have each designed for the other.
Except I'm not. I thought we could be together until she leaves the city, which is what she claimed she wanted too in lieu of a permanent relationship. I get that things have changed for her, the biological clock is ticking louder... but then she needs to let go.

I've tried breaking up with her, and it just doesn't take. I just get guilt trips about leaving her alone when she's feeling bad, or she didn't get to spend enough time with her dog (dog lives with me because her hip displaysia and arthritis make the stairs to the g/f's apartment too difficult.) Eventually she works her way back in, I try to act like her friend, she cuddles up to me and keeps my hopes up... and the cycle repeats.

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I shudder to think of a baby being brought into this unstable situation.
I guess I had hoped the fighting would stop if she were happy. Probably a vain hope, but I was basically broken down by all of this. I feel like if we'd just had a clean break I'd have healed and moved on, instead she insists on spending all our time together and keeping me wanting.

Granted, I should just be strong enough to "lay down the law" and tell her I need space and stick to it. I guess it's called co-dependence for a reason right?
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  #22  
Old 06-18-2013, 05:46 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Originally Posted by onoma View Post
I do...


I've tried breaking up with her, and it just doesn't take. I just get guilt trips about leaving her alone when she's feeling bad, or she didn't get to spend enough time with her dog (dog lives with me because her hip displaysia and arthritis make the stairs to the g/f's apartment too difficult.) Eventually she works her way back in, I try to act like her friend, she cuddles up to me and keeps my hopes up... and the cycle
While probably not consciously, she is taking advantage and manipulating the situation. But you already know that. Maybe she is hoping you will change or as others have suggested, she is hanging on until she finds a replacement.

The hope you are experiencing is false hope.

Unfortunately there are no magic answers. It is going to suck until one of you does what you know you need to do. Yeah, it's going to hurt, and you will have second thoughts, but this situation continues as it is until you do.
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  #23  
Old 06-18-2013, 06:42 PM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
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Originally Posted by onoma View Post
I do...



Except I'm not. I thought we could be together until she leaves the city, which is what she claimed she wanted too in lieu of a permanent relationship. I get that things have changed for her, the biological clock is ticking louder... but then she needs to let go.

I've tried breaking up with her, and it just doesn't take. I just get guilt trips about leaving her alone when she's feeling bad, or she didn't get to spend enough time with her dog (dog lives with me because her hip displaysia and arthritis make the stairs to the g/f's apartment too difficult.) Eventually she works her way back in, I try to act like her friend, she cuddles up to me and keeps my hopes up... and the cycle repeats.



I guess I had hoped the fighting would stop if she were happy. Probably a vain hope, but I was basically broken down by all of this. I feel like if we'd just had a clean break I'd have healed and moved on, instead she insists on spending all our time together and keeping me wanting.

Granted, I should just be strong enough to "lay down the law" and tell her I need space and stick to it. I guess it's called co-dependence for a reason right?

Now I'm really confused. Are you saying you want an open relationship because she won't let you out of this one? Tell her you're breaking up with her, start dating other people. If she starts fighting with you ignore her, or just keep texting that you two broke up and you're seeing other people now. If she still won't leave you alone... well heck I guess you're in that open relationship you were looking for if that fits your definition.
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  #24  
Old 06-18-2013, 06:48 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by kkxvlv View Post
Now I'm really confused. Are you saying you want an open relationship because she won't let you out of this one? Tell her you're breaking up with her, start dating other people. If she starts fighting with you ignore her, or just keep texting that you two broke up and you're seeing other people now. If she still won't leave you alone... well heck I guess you're in that open relationship you were looking for if that fits your definition.
OK yeah, I am too. I thought you lived together and couldn't avoid each other because of routine and roof and what-not. But you're staying together because of... what was it? a dog with hip dysplasia? I mean... I don't think it's the dog's fault or anything but... you are a grown man, no? You are in control of your own destiny, are you not, Luke Skywalker? You have your own place, you can have people over...?

Refresh my memory - why are we having this discussion again?
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  #25  
Old 06-18-2013, 08:58 PM
onoma onoma is offline
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Originally Posted by kkxvlv View Post
Now I'm really confused. Are you saying you want an open relationship because she won't let you out of this one?
No. I want an open relationship for other reasons, and that became known two years ago.

Quote:
Tell her you're breaking up with her, start dating other people. If she starts fighting with you ignore her, or just keep texting that you two broke up and you're seeing other people now. If she still won't leave you alone... well heck I guess you're in that open relationship you were looking for if that fits your definition.
That's just it. Every time I try to break up, I get hit with a bunch of guilt trips ranging from "you promised we'd be friends" to "you're the only support I have." The fighting, guilt trips and other stuff eventually wear me down. When I try to move on... if there's any hint I might be dating, talking to women or even as little as going to a strip club with some friends she gets really pissed and starts a fight with me.

Again, you'll say I should just not get drawn into the fight... but that's very difficult for me.
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  #26  
Old 06-18-2013, 09:11 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by onoma View Post
No. I want an open relationship for other reasons, and that became known two years ago.



That's just it. Every time I try to break up, I get hit with a bunch of guilt trips ranging from "you promised we'd be friends" to "you're the only support I have." The fighting, guilt trips and other stuff eventually wear me down. When I try to move on... if there's any hint I might be dating, talking to women or even as little as going to a strip club with some friends she gets really pissed and starts a fight with me.

Again, you'll say I should just not get drawn into the fight... but that's very difficult for me.
Well there's your problem right there. That's what you need to deal with. Sometimes breakups get ugly. Basically what you just said is that she's trying to hold you hostage and you allow it.

What do you want from the people on this forum? Do you want us to drive to her home and tell her to let you go? If we did that, do you think it would work? Because I'm not wasting all that gas driving out there if it's going to just be all for naught.
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  #27  
Old 06-18-2013, 09:17 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Default Answer the question, Claire!

ONe thing though - There is now enough information here for me to judge in no uncertain terms that this is NOT, in fact, "poly behaviour".

The End.
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  #28  
Old 06-18-2013, 09:17 PM
onoma onoma is offline
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Well there's your problem right there. That's what you need to deal with. Sometimes breakups get ugly. Basically what you just said is that she's trying to hold you hostage and you allow it.

What do you want from the people on this forum? Do you want us to drive to her home and tell her to let you go? If we did that, do you think it would work? Because I'm not wasting all that gas driving out there if it's going to just be all for naught.
Well, I told you want I wanted in the beginning... and interpretation of her behavior. Now I'm just replying to questions/statements.

If it helps, your job is done here.
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  #29  
Old 06-18-2013, 09:19 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by onoma View Post
Well, I told you want I wanted in the beginning... and interpretation of her behavior. Now I'm just replying to questions/statements.

If it helps, your job is done here.
Yeah, I was writing my report as you were typing that. See previous post.
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  #30  
Old 06-18-2013, 09:43 PM
onoma onoma is offline
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Yeah, I was writing my report as you were typing that. See previous post.
Got it, thanks! Now your job is really done...
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