Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 06-17-2013, 05:40 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by onoma View Post

So you think it's monogamous behavior to truthfully tell someone you love them while you're dating other people?

It's just behaviour.

You didn't even answer my question. The question was, what difference does it make which adjective you put before the word "behaviour"?

THE TWO OF YOU ARE FUNDAMENTALLY INCOMPATIBLE AS PARTNERS.

THe sooner you realize that, the better off you both will be.

I've read your other threads. You aren't going to get an answer from here that you can go and use on your girlfriend and make her go
Quote:
"AHA! Eureka! YES! That which I did not realize before is now crystal clear to me before my very eyes! You are RIGHT, my darling! I AM "poly" after all! THank you, thank you THANK you for patiently staying by my side and enduring the roller-coaster ride I put us through. It shall be WORTH all the wait, confusion, and hardship we have been through, for now we are together and stronger for the duration! I now look forward to this new journey we are about to take TOGETHER, and with whomever else shall manifest to journey with us... blah,blah,etc.etc."
That IS what you would prefer, is it not?
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 06-17-2013, 06:08 PM
onoma onoma is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
It's just behaviour.

You didn't even answer my question. The question was, what difference does it make which adjective you put before the word "behaviour"?
If adjectives don't make a difference, why do we have them? Do you think no one ever acts differently than they profess? There are women out there who think open relationships are disgusting, but only sleep with married men! Wouldn't it suck to break up, run into her 5 years from now and find out she's in an open relationship? That maybe she just reacted badly because I didn't follow the guide, on this very site, for how to bring it up to your partner?

Quote:
THE TWO OF YOU ARE FUNDAMENTALLY INCOMPATIBLE AS PARTNERS.

THe sooner you realize that, the better off you both will be.
Yet she's dating other people while in a relationship with me...

Quote:
I've read your other threads. You aren't going to get an answer from here that you can go and use on your girlfriend and make her go

That IS what you would prefer, is it not?
I wouldn't expect that sudden of a transition. But basically, I'd like to see her at least say it could be a discussion. There are people on this forum who didn't immediately realize or accept they were poly, aren't there? Also monogamous people who have open relationships for their poly partners?

But you might be right, and I feel like YouAreHere is probably close to the truth.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 06-17-2013, 06:18 PM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 74
Default

Sounds more like she needs to have someone new lined up before she's willing to give up the security of having you at home. Either that or shes trying to call your bluff on this whole open relationship thing and get you to marry her before she lets someone else knock her up.

Frankly the whole relationship sounds terribly manipulative on both sides. You both knew there was a dealbreaker between you and figured you'd just wait it out until one of you changed. Maybe she'll withhold sex, maybe you'll find some revolutionary book to teach her her beliefs have been invalid all along. Why are we sitting here trying to figure her out? If you don't believe what she tells you (whether its her being dishonest or denial or your part) what's the point? This isn't going anywhere. The sooner you move on the sooner you could find someone who actually wants to go in the same direction with you.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 06-17-2013, 06:36 PM
onoma onoma is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kkxvlv View Post
Sounds more like she needs to have someone new lined up before she's willing to give up the security of having you at home. Either that or shes trying to call your bluff on this whole open relationship thing and get you to marry her before she lets someone else knock her up.
I've also been worrying that she was trying to force me to marry her. Withholding sex for months, spending all her time with me, telling me she can only have sex in terms of a permanent relationship.

Here's the scary part, I kind of fell for it. We had a fight (over text message) on Friday, because I was feeling lonely and asked her to sleep with me. (Sleep, not necessarily sex.)

I had been thinking of just doing it, mostly to make her happy, and then just worrying about the open relationship thing later. I think partly out of loneliness, partly because we are always together, partly because I do love her and want her to be happy. So at like 2 in the morning I just texted her that she'd won, we can start working on kids right away... blah blah blah. Saturday morning she asked me if I was serious, and the thing is that I was serious when I said it...

...but that's also when she told me she had started dating. She hadn't told me before, or honestly I'd have been out looking for my own date on Friday instead of texting her and feeling lonely. So while I was ok with it and trying to figure out how to work things out, I couldn't resolve being told "sex is only for a permanent relationship" vs. "I'm going to have a bunch of one-night stands to get pregnant." I also wondered why she could break her morals, since she's never had a ONS before because she thinks it's immoral, in order to have a baby but wouldn't break them in order to have a baby with me.

So yeah, now I'm scared and confused and maybe grasping at straws.

Quote:
Frankly the whole relationship sounds terribly manipulative on both sides. You both knew there was a dealbreaker between you and figured you'd just wait it out until one of you changed.
Well, I wasn't waiting for her to change. I just figured I'd have a girlfriend for a few months (she was supposed to find a job/move away relatively fast, but it never happened) then move on. If that had happened, I'd probably be ok... but she didn't move. She didn't break up with me. She stayed with me, but cut me off from most physical intimacy.


On her end she kept telling me we were together just because her life wasn't in order yet. One time when I said we should break up, she actually broke down crying about not having anything else in her life... so we stayed together. She's only recently admitted she kept hoping for me to change...

So yeah... I'm kinda screwed now.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 06-17-2013, 06:37 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Onoma, you are on the right track. Keep communicating with your girlfriend and make sure you both understand each other's wants, needs, and limits in the polyship. Get all your buckets in a row and keep a jar of spoons within easy reach all the time. Have her read "morethantwo.com", "The Ethical Slut",, "Opening up" by Tristan Taormino, and "Sex at Dawn". Join OK Cupid. See if there are any poly groups in your area. Tell her that just because people have a second kid, they don't love their first kid any less,, and poly is the same way except with romantic relationships. If that doesn't work beccause she is not a mother yet and can't possibly understand how mothers feel about their children, then try the food comparison. "JUst because I love pizza, doesn't mean I love ice-cream any less. So you could be the pizza and if i got another girlfriend, she would be the ice-cream. See?"

Try all of these things, and if nothing helps, let me know and I'll see what else I can dig out of the upholstery around here for you to try.

Oh, and remember - communicate,, communicate, COMMUNICATE!
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 06-17-2013, 07:30 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,289
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post

Oh, and remember - communicate,, communicate, COMMUNICATE!
Great, way to go, onoma, you broke BoringGuy.

kkxvlv called it. This is a manipulative relationship and you guys both sound like you're content to just keep playing cat and mouse with each other until one of you grows up enough to actually end it.

Seriously onoma, is this really the kind of relationship you want? This sounds just awful to me man. Surely there is a higher potential for happiness with someone who doesn't have fundamentally different views on how to relate romantically.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 06-17-2013, 07:30 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,306
Default

I have to agree with kkxvlv. Some people will not leave a relationship until they have someone else lined up. Your ex - and that is who she is even if neither of you acknowledge it - is looking for her next partner. There is not much to discuss or wonder about - except maybe why both of you were willing to accept this for so long.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 06-17-2013, 10:07 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
I have to agree with kkxvlv. Some people will not leave a relationship until they have someone else lined up. Your ex - and that is who she is even if neither of you acknowledge it - is looking for her next partner. There is not much to discuss or wonder about - except maybe why both of you were willing to accept this for so long.


Lots of people do this as a form of "serial monogamy". I had one or two relationships where we "broke up" but would still see each other for sex until one of us found something or someone that captured their interest to a greater degree. And mine had nothing to do with issues over nonmonogamy.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 06-18-2013, 02:55 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 737
Default

I don't doubt that she loves you. I don't doubt that you love her. But you two each want something fundamentally different. She wants to be your one and only. Nothing wrong with wanting to have that type of relationship. However, that is not the type of relationship that you want. So the basis of the relationship between you is that you are both doing all of this manipulative shit in order to get the other to fit into the mold you have each designed for the other.

And your are both doing this in the name of love. Sheesh! Show each other some true love by respecting each other's personal choices. Yes, it may mean you can't be together as lovers, but it might keep you from destroying one another.

I shudder to think of a baby being brought into this unstable situation.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 06-18-2013, 02:57 PM
onoma onoma is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 78
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Lots of people do this as a form of "serial monogamy". I had one or two relationships where we "broke up" but would still see each other for sex

Haha... I should be so lucky. Instead she's been spending time with me, and acting loving right up until things turn sexual.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:21 AM.