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  #1  
Old 06-16-2013, 03:25 PM
NatalieRose NatalieRose is offline
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Default Conundrum of a Lifetime - help!

Tips, support, advice...whatever you have to give, I could use it right about now.

To spare you a novel, I'll put my situation in a nutshell (as much as I can):

- Over the last several years, I've come to realize that I am polyamorous, both by nature and desire. I know this without any doubt.

-About 6 months ago, I fell very deeply in love with a friend through work. I did not cheat on my husband, but the connection I had with this other man was so intense and undeniable, that though I still deeply loved my husband, I knew I would have to come out soon. (I'd had other loves throughout my marriage, but nothing like this connection.)

- A couple of months ago I came out to my husband (monogamous) of nearly 6 years. He and I have 2 sweet children together, 3 & 4 years old. It was a shock that was handled with much love and understanding. In the process of discussion, my husband asked about my friend and found out that I do have strong feelings for my other love. This added layers of complication and was not how I intended things to go.

- Over 2 months of more communication, love, and acceptance than I knew possible between 2 humans, my husband determined that he is solidly monogamous, and though completely in love with each other, we determined together that it would be best to separate in order to gain clarity. Not divorce, but separate and remain open to any changes either of us may go through in the future. The door remains open. This is much easier said than done, my husband is in graduate school and finances are very tight. We also are very emotionally close to one another and our priority is to be good parents to our children. There is much to figure out. We'll live together for the rest of the summer than separate in early September, before the next term starts. We have already begun seeing a therapist about how to best help the children adjust to these massive life changes in the smoothest possible way. I am also seeing my own therapist and my husband is seeing his own.

- Once my husband and I decided to officially separate, we agreed it was a natural time for me to begin seeing my other love. We were both very much at peace with the decision. Communication has stayed at an all time high, between all 3 parties (though my husband and my other love do not communicate much yet).

- In the last several weeks my husband has gone back and forth between feeling very strongly monogamous, and wanting to pursue a multi-family polyamorous relationship with me. I grant him his process in whatever way he needs it. I would love to have a multi family situation. I wouldn't have otherwise come out to him.

- *And* to add the final layer of emotional intensity to all of this, I may be pregnant with my new partner's child.

I am new to all of this, things are moving at warp speed and if I'm being really honest, I've really no clue how to process or handle any of this. Poly is new to all parties involved in this situation. I would be so grateful for any support or advice.

Much love,
Natalie
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  #2  
Old 06-16-2013, 05:45 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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I've really no clue how to process or handle any of this.
I'd say, stick with what you are doing. It may seem like your world is spinning out of control but, at least by what you've written here, you are ahead of the game.

Sounds like you two are covering so many bases that you could probably right your own book on the subject. Allowing people their own "process" as you put it, while taking full authority and responsibility for your own needs and desires are the major points I would recommend. Since you already seem to be doing this I can only offer you a 'high five' and encourage you to keep it up.
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Old 06-16-2013, 07:48 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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You say you've had other loves before. Did you husband know about those, or did you keep it on the downlow? Was your new affaire de ceour a complete surprise to him, or part of a pattern?

It's interesting your h is up and down, considering maybe staying with you and accepting you being poly. This is normal. It can take many months, even a year or two, for a previously mono couple to open up.

Maybe he will come around. Make sure he reads Opening Up.

Meanwhile, my usual reaction to someone being knocked up at an extremely inconvenient time is, abortion is legal. Very bad situation to bring a new baby into!

Does your h know you've had unprotected sex with new guy? Everyone needs now to be tested for STDs. Does he know you might be pg or are you waiting for until you take a test?
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Old 06-17-2013, 03:37 PM
NatalieRose NatalieRose is offline
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Default Replies to Marcus and Magdlyn

Marcus: Thank you for your words. I really appreciate your kindness. All of this is quite hard, to say the least, but if it sounds to an experienced poly that we're keeping our heads above water, well, Onward and Upward!


Magdlyn: My husband was unaware of my new love, as he was of the other romantic connections I'd made throughout our marriage. I always suppressed those feelings and moved on, I knew the time wasn't right. It was a pattern, but not one he knew about.

As far as sex goes, I didn't say my new partner and I were having unprotected sex. Things...can go awry. That's all I'll say about that.

Yes, abortion is an option, and it's on the table. I'm a pro-choice individual, but I'm not sure I can go there this time. We may all end up deciding to keep baby. I have to say, I disagree that our situation would be an awful one to bring a new life into, we are all overflowing with love for each other. There's a good deal of confusion and uncertainty about the future, but this baby would have 2 daddies who love it very much, and 2 older siblings who would be excited beyond words at having a new addition. Who knows, maybe new baby would even bring everyone together. One can hope. Not sure what we'll do yet.

And yes, new love has been tested for STDs, as have my husband and I.

Moving forward, one 12-hour segment at a time.
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Old 06-17-2013, 05:52 PM
gorgeouskitten gorgeouskitten is offline
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for your first few bullets, I could have written this myself, to a T. So i completely feel for you. For me, after a month of delibiration, threats of divorce, much tears and heart ache, my spouse decided to try poly and began dating while I began seeing my other love. I am so sorry it did not going this way for you, but there is still hope. It sounds like he may be coming around to the idea, and maybe for him it just took longer to process. like i said, we did almost seperate, but spouse decided to give it a go instead. Perhaps it is just taking your husband longer to come to terms, as my therapist (specializing in alternative love, and a poly person herself..i suggest you find someone like this!!) transition can be long and difficult, but she has seen many people come through it.
I think you are doing what you can for now, I was where you are a few months ago (minus the pregnancy part, thats tough!). feel free to private message. best of luck
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Old 06-17-2013, 05:57 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by NatalieRose View Post
Marcus: Thank you for your words. I really appreciate your kindness. All of this is quite hard, to say the least, but if it sounds to an experienced poly that we're keeping our heads above water, well, Onward and Upward!


Magdlyn: My husband was unaware of my new love, as he was of the other romantic connections I'd made throughout our marriage. I always suppressed those feelings and moved on, I knew the time wasn't right. It was a pattern, but not one he knew about.

As far as sex goes, I didn't say my new partner and I were having unprotected sex. Things...can go awry. That's all I'll say about that.

Yes, abortion is an option, and it's on the table. I'm a pro-choice individual, but I'm not sure I can go there this time. We may all end up deciding to keep baby. I have to say, I disagree that our situation would be an awful one to bring a new life into, we are all overflowing with love for each other. There's a good deal of confusion and uncertainty about the future, but this baby would have 2 daddies who love it very much, and 2 older siblings who would be excited beyond words at having a new addition. Who knows, maybe new baby would even bring everyone together. One can hope. Not sure what we'll do yet.

And yes, new love has been tested for STDs, as have my husband and I.

Moving forward, one 12-hour segment at a time.

Adoption is also legal, if you want to bring a "new life" into the world but not into an "awful situation". You could even do "open" adoption which you might be aware there are various "levels" of doing. Especially if you're white, because rich white people will pay big bucks and jump through all sorts of hoops to get a white baby. Better still if the baby turns out to not be born addicted to crack or something. Even though it will probably offend people that I dare to say this outloud without employing pig-latin, you all KNOW that this is how shit works in the real world.
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Old 06-18-2013, 09:38 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NatalieRose View Post
Magdlyn: My husband was unaware of my new love, as he was of the other romantic connections I'd made throughout our marriage. I always suppressed those feelings and moved on, I knew the time wasn't right. It was a pattern, but not one he knew about.
But by this point, not only does he know of your love for this bf, but you've also been forthcoming to show him this has been a pattern all along, and you just couldnt stand the unrequited longing for another lover one more year?


Quote:
As far as sex goes, I didn't say my new partner and I were having unprotected sex. Things...can go awry. That's all I'll say about that.
This dismissal strikes me oddly. So, there was no agreement between you and your husband and/or yr bf to become fluid bonded with the bf, but you had birth control failure? A condom broke or slipped off? Happens to the best of us. Hopefully all of you were tested before the condom broke.

Quote:
Yes, abortion is an option, and it's on the table. I'm a pro-choice individual, but I'm not sure I can go there this time. We may all end up deciding to keep baby. I have to say, I disagree that our situation would be an awful one to bring a new life into, we are all overflowing with love for each other. There's a good deal of confusion and uncertainty about the future, but this baby would have 2 daddies who love it very much, and 2 older siblings who would be excited beyond words at having a new addition. Who knows, maybe new baby would even bring everyone together.
Oh no, honey. New babies are not bringing troubled adults together. How often has this been tried in failing mono relationships and shown to be completely wrong? Never mind in this case where 2 men new to poly are feeling tetchy toward each other, you and your h are separated, the baby wasnt even planned, your present kids are so young...

You remember surely what being huge and pregnant is like, and having a newborn is like, the sleeplessness, the leaky, perhaps sore breasts, the constant changing of its diapers and stained outfits, the chance of colicky screaming, the healing of your nethers, the raging hormones, falling in love with your baby, lost in it so you can barely see the rest of the world... All while possibly being a single mom of 3?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #8  
Old 06-19-2013, 06:24 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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You said you fell deeply in love wiith a coworker 6 months ago .....it happened several times before during your marriage but you suppress it and this time as well you never cheated. Are you saying you never cheated physically and that you informed the other guy of deep feelings after coming clean to your husband. Or were you having an emotional affair just short of penetration ?

It sounds like you tried to pitch this opening up with out telling him about being deeply in love with a new guy. Is this why there was layers of complications.....and what were those layers ? how did you intend it to go ?

Last edited by dingedheart; 06-19-2013 at 06:29 AM.
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Old 06-19-2013, 08:21 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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You told your husband about this other man after you'd developed a strong connection with the other man? Your husband wanted separation? Is he aware you've started sleeping with the other man? Just to clarify.

It sounds like all three parties are not actually in communication. It sounds like you're doing a lot of talking with each of them. Does your husband feel any desire to talk with this other man or does he regard him as your affair partner?

It is not wise to rush into an abortion on the basis that babies can be messy and exhausting or fears of being 'unable' to handle things. The emotions that often come in the wake of abortion often last much longer than pregnancy, and this is still a child's life we're talking about. There are plenty of resources out there.

Have you confirmed you're pregnant yet?
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Old 06-19-2013, 09:01 PM
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It is not wise to rush into an abortion on the basis that babies can be messy and exhausting or fears of being 'unable' to handle things. The emotions that often come in the wake of abortion often last much longer than pregnancy
Some women have strong emotional responses to an abortion, that is certainly true. Some women spiral into depression and even do crazy things to hurt themselves (or others).

Some women have strong emotional responses to having a child, that is certainly true. Some women spiral into depression and even do crazy things to hurt themselves (or others).

Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
and this is still a child's life we're talking about.
Do we really need to go down this road?
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