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  #1  
Old 06-17-2013, 06:43 AM
london london is offline
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Default Scheduling and Prioritisation

Do you prioritise people or events?

For some people, their husbands golf fun day will always trump their boyfriends super hugely important work function thing simply because he is the spouse, the primary, and he comes first. Other people prioritise by event. In the situation described above, they'd put the work thing of their boyfriends before the golf thing because it's more important on the grand scale of important things in life. This means that the primary relationship gets next to no privilege. Nothing will ever come first just because you are the spouse. Would this work for you? Do you put people over events? Do you require a more concise hierarchy than this?
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Old 06-17-2013, 08:11 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I am not a fan of hierarchy and so I would not do that no. Nor would I agree to be in a relationship in which my super important function was secondary to a fun day out with the spouse.

It is just too painful for me when I am emotionally invested, though it would not bother me in the slightest if I did not have romantic feelings for a person. So I suppose that is the line for me.

Personally (and I know loads would disagree) I don't think it is possible for the hierarchal situation you describe to last long unless the secondary in question is a) treating you in exactly the same way in exactly the same marital situation or b) Does not have very strong feelings for you and has a really busy lifestyle which makes emotional entanglements and lots of commitment difficult.
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Old 06-17-2013, 03:37 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Do you put people over events? Do you require a more concise hierarchy than this?
I don't rank my loved ones based on their station or title. I find it to be a disgusting practice and I will go out of my way to make sure I avoid being party to it.

Also, this is a very popular topic. Use the search feature and put in "heirarchy" or "primary" or "secondary". It's essentially all the same discussion.

Example 1

Example 2
Example 3

Many people have already put up their views so if they don't put them up here again you can go to one of these other threads and see where they have posted them previously.
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Old 06-17-2013, 03:44 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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The events you describe are of the "trivial" variety to me. Let's see, how should i organize this...

First, the question is unclear, it could be taken two ways. So i am going to answer however i see fit. Last things first - i don't use the words "primary" and "secondary". I use husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, Spouse/Partner, and the people's NAMES. However, "strangers" (defined for this sentence as anyone other than my partners or their partners) might insist on classifying it using hierarchical terminology because that is how it looks to them superficially. And i am GUESSING that my Spouse's other partner FEELS "secondary" at times, but i try to do the best i can on my end to foster an "equal opportunity" situation, such that their relationship is as "normal" as ours (they have their circle of friends, spouse has met the other partner's family, they go away or spend entire weekends together, spouse helps them move their furniture or do errands, etc. that's what i mean by "normal" in this sentence).

So , before i answer the part about the golf and the office, do people like it better this way, where i break off in the middleof a sentence to explain in parentheses what i mean by a certain word and why i'm using it that way? Because i find it tedious as hell. But it's like i HAVE to do it or i'll catch flak from someone for "perceived hostility" or "ableism" or "invalidating people's lifestyle choices" or something i have yet to see. It is very exhausting. Humans are such a drain on my energy.
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Old 06-17-2013, 03:56 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
I don't rank my loved ones based on their station or title. I find it to be a disgusting practice and I will go out of my way to make sure I avoid being party to it.

Also, this is a very popular topic. Use the search feature and put in "heirarchy" or

Many people have already put up their views so if they don't put them up here again you can go to one of these other threads and see where they have posted them previously.

Tag Search for primary/secondary and other keywords.

Advanced Search for same.

Master Threads thread (not to be confused with Master/slave thread) in Golden Nuggets section at the bottom of the main list of subforums on the front page of this site.

One can see there is indeed nearly nothing new under the sun. Which reminds me, if anyone sees Jesus hiding under the bed? Ask him if he's lost. People are always playing hide-and-seek with him and whenever it's his turn to hide, he just does it too well and the other kids give up and go off to play without him. #briarpatch #tarbaby
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Old 06-17-2013, 04:31 PM
london london is offline
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This is more about time management. If I had a husband and I had planned to go to his golf thing on.Saturday but my boyfriend had this work thing that was super important, I'd cancel with my husband. Just because that event we had planned is less important on the grand scale of important things
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Old 06-17-2013, 04:36 PM
london london is offline
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I use primary and secondary to describe levels of entanglement. Not everyone is married not everyone even cohabits and so the term would more or less be moot. But a hell of a lot of people do share practical entanglements and responsibilities with at least one partner, without marriage, and primary seems a good way of describing those relationships.
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Old 06-17-2013, 06:35 PM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Do you prioritise people or events?

For some people, their husbands golf fun day will always trump their boyfriends super hugely important work function thing simply because he is the spouse, the primary, and he comes first. Other people prioritise by event. In the situation described above, they'd put the work thing of their boyfriends before the golf thing because it's more important on the grand scale of important things in life. This means that the primary relationship gets next to no privilege. Nothing will ever come first just because you are the spouse. Would this work for you? Do you put people over events? Do you require a more concise hierarchy than this?

No hard and fast rules, but in general the way we manage it is based on emotions and how important the other people feel the event is.

So neither depending on the event, nor on the person, but based on a situation by situation evaluation.

The one thing we do do, which I think is only polite and I would do the same with friends, so obviously also with partners, is to ask the other person who you made the plans with first if they are ok with it.

If all are adults and the previous plans really aren't that important, that shouldn't be a problem.
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Old 06-17-2013, 11:33 PM
Eponine Eponine is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
I use primary and secondary to describe levels of entanglement. Not everyone is married not everyone even cohabits and so the term would more or less be moot. But a hell of a lot of people do share practical entanglements and responsibilities with at least one partner, without marriage, and primary seems a good way of describing those relationships.
I use "primary" and "non-primary" in that case, i.e. when the practical entanglement is the only difference. I had always been uncomfortable with "secondary" because it implies less emotional involvement and/or a lesser status, but still used it for convenience, until I read this blog post: Why I say "non-primary", not "secondary".
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