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  #1791  
Old 06-17-2013, 04:33 AM
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I was reminded today that when people cheat on me or don't tell the truth or decide its easier not to talk to me rather than deal with my emotions that that is THEIR issues and not mine. Separating it from my worth as a partner is an ongoing process. It makes me face and deal with my issues as a result, but it isn't my fault or issue that started the cycle.

I was reminded that when a partner betrays trust its incredibly difficult to be objective and near impossible to see everything you ever had with them to not have all been a lie. Untangling my truth among all the pain is all I can do. Working on making me better by dealing with the core issues is key to figuring out what will work long term no matter what type of relationship/s I end up in. I was reminded that it can be done without pushing others away by accepting love and support from the people who care about me, and trusting that I am loved even if it's not coming to me in the form I want it.

I like the word untangle. I feel that is what I am doing. Dividing the truth from the lies, spreading out the silence, what is known from what isn't known and what subtle messages and signs I have been given of what is going on and where I should go.

Thanks to the person who wrote. It meant a lot to me that you understand something of what my past is through your own experience and had some insight as to what might work better. Every little bit counts and is helpful.
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Last edited by redpepper; 06-17-2013 at 04:37 AM.
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  #1792  
Old 06-17-2013, 04:42 AM
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You know what bugs me about poly? When people are struggling and having a hard time they go to find other partners elsewhere to get their needs met and make themselves feel better. If something isn't going right it seems a lot easier to just add another person to the mix rather than sort out what the jist is of the problem. I have noticed that all that does is cause more instability, more uncertainty and eventually makes a person decide to act based on someone else's decision to add someone to their lives rather than on the real issues at hand. I get that sometimes it just takes too long etc etc.... there are obviously some circumstances that are differing, but I have noticed this readily. Poly fail as far as I am concerned. Stuff just doesn't go away... it gets worse and creates changes that aren't necessarily what would of been if there wasn't partners cluttering up the mix....

and yes, I did this too.
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  #1793  
Old 06-18-2013, 01:32 AM
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Well isn't this rather ironic that not one year ago almost to the day Mono expressed his love for his female friend, who's name I forget one here. I'm sure BG will remind me. Lol. I remember being completely blind sided and dragging it out of him as he wasn't going to say anything. It was my first glimpse of the road ahead. Now a year has passed and I am sitting in her living room petting her three cats and drinking her beer by myself while she is away for a couple of monthes. I am strangely amused and amazed. Not only that I went for tea by myself today and am enjoying my own company more than anyone else's these days. Progression!

Contemplating the future and feeling okay. I'm actually happy today. With a little help from my herbal friend St. John's Wort and because I am a work horse when it comes to all things RP. I had an hour or so of anxiety and sadness when I knew Mono was with the woman he is seeing and a little more sorting some other stuff out but that was pretty damn good for me!

(Thought I should post a good moment for a change )
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  #1794  
Old 06-18-2013, 05:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
You know what bugs me about poly? When people are struggling and having a hard time they go to find other partners elsewhere to get their needs met and make themselves feel better. If something isn't going right it seems a lot easier to just add another person to the mix rather than sort out what the jist is of the problem. I have noticed that all that does is cause more instability, more uncertainty and eventually makes a person decide to act based on someone else's decision to add someone to their lives rather than on the real issues at hand. I get that sometimes it just takes too long etc etc.... there are obviously some circumstances that are differing, but I have noticed this readily. Poly fail as far as I am concerned. Stuff just doesn't go away... it gets worse and creates changes that aren't necessarily what would of been if there wasn't partners cluttering up the mix....

and yes, I did this too.
This is my complaint with people. Its not just poly. That is the prefaceof serial monogamy as well.
That is precisely why I don't have time for any more relationships. Because I try to be all I can be in both of my romantic relationships. Not just get whats missing as I string along a series of lovers.
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  #1795  
Old 06-18-2013, 06:33 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Thanks for your words. It's given me a bit of hope that someone might decide to be monogamous with me if we should chose.
Of course they would. You are bright, interested in the world, interesting and clearly lots of fun to be around - enough people who know you have written here for that to be clear. Plus monogamy is by far the norm - it is easier by far to find monogamous partners than poly ones. Just the odds make it more likely - if that is something that you choose.

Quote:
I hear it but unfortunately I have also heard from Mono things that have made that change for me. He has expressed how it makes no difference what I do, where I am and whom I'm with. He says he doesn't miss me and hasn't for a long time. He feels nothing when I'm gone and doesn't wish to be with me any more.
Is it possible that he sometimes speaks in anger or in fear and doesn't entirely mean those words? It seems to me like he very often says that he loves and cares for you. Even recently, he has been making efforts - wasn't there something about making it easier for you to go biking with him?

Quote:
You know what bugs me about poly? When people are struggling and having a hard time they go to find other partners elsewhere to get their needs met and make themselves feel better.
This isn't just about romantic relationships. People do it with dogs too - they have one that just isn't quite what they want. They love the dog but the dog isn't perfect. Maybe it isn't physically capable of doing a sport they want to do or it can't cope with walks in busy places or it doesn't like strangers. Rather than find ways to build that relationship and find other things that the dog can do, sometimes people will add another dog to the household - one that can do whatever it is that they want to do.

Probably it happens with children as well.

I don't get it. I shall continue this on my own blog, though rather than take up yours.

I hope today is a good one for you.

IP
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  #1796  
Old 06-20-2013, 10:40 PM
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I'm reminded of six monthes ago when I stood at the ocean, contemplating the returning of the light and all the year would bring. I'm half way through the year now and it's solstice tomorrow. This time I will stand by the ocean and contemplate again. Remember all that has transpired and all the wishes I have for the second half of the year. Welcome the full sun and my full realizations.

Things are coming together in my head fast and furiously right now. Its amazing what time, space and a whole lot of thinking has done. Lots of me time, lots of sleep, lots of focus on the basics has really helped.

I feel as if I am in full bloom right now. Just waiting for the ebb of life to reach its fullest and then intend to flow. Just a bit more time.
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  #1797  
Old 06-21-2013, 12:18 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Well isn't this rather ironic that not one year ago almost to the day Mono expressed his love for his female friend, who's name I forget one here. I'm sure BG will remind me. Lol. I remember being completely blind sided and dragging it out of him as he wasn't going to say anything. It was my first glimpse of the road ahead. Now a year has passed and I am sitting in her living room petting her three cats and drinking her beer by myself while she is away for a couple of monthes. I am strangely amused and amazed. Not only that I went for tea by myself today and am enjoying my own company more than anyone else's these days. Progression!

Contemplating the future and feeling okay. I'm actually happy today. With a little help from my herbal friend St. John's Wort and because I am a work horse when it comes to all things RP. I had an hour or so of anxiety and sadness when I knew Mono was with the woman he is seeing and a little more sorting some other stuff out but that was pretty damn good for me!

(Thought I should post a good moment for a change )

June. You know, like the name of the month we're in right now. Which is probably why you picked that name.






tl;dr you could go back in time on this thread and search for my posts there aren't that many and it would show what you wrote.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 06-21-2013 at 12:21 AM.
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  #1798  
Old 06-21-2013, 01:32 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default I don't know you, so I feel weird commenting

But hopefully it will be helpful, also in regards to the words IP quoted where you said

I hear it but unfortunately I have also heard from Mono things that have made that change for me.

Sometimes it's important to remember that it takes a balance for poly relationships to feel easy, and that smooth sailing or whatever you picture when you envision your ideal life that includes being poly. Because everything in that quote except for maybe the last line could easily be seen as ideal poly. It's also that last line which almost sounded as if it was your thoughts paraphrasing his words, or what you took his words to mean, and if not IP is right, thoughts shared in an angry moment are not permanent thoughts, they are temporary thoughts and not necessarily the way a person feels the majority of the time. The way a person feels most of the time are the thoughts and feelings that are more permanent, and when you frame the way you feel about your relationships, it might be best to frame it with the more permanent thoughts.

Everyone gets angry, but so long as they deal with it, it's not exactly fair to yourself or your partners to hold that against them or trick yourself into thinking those aren't just fleeting thoughts when he is angry.

But everything else except for that last line, if you think about it, that is what most people with "poly problems" actually strive to obtain. People want to be perfectly fine when the partner is out with others. People look to obtain skills that can allow them to not miss their partner, many poly people wish they could offer their partners the total freedom to love anybody anyway the felt like it, which is very much the same as

He has expressed how it makes no difference what I do, where I am and whom I'm with

It not the most elegant way to put it, but it does seems to be the behavior that most people communicate they desire from their partners. It may be unspoken, many people seem to need their partners to exhibit identical behaviors within your quoted words.

So maybe it would help your situation if you let him know that it is OK to miss you, because it is a balance that makes a polyship sail like a bird flies, and if you forget to think of what is ideal for you and your partners to have balanced relationships, you might find yourself slipping into those polyships that sink for no reason other than nobody recognized that was what they were unconsciously doing.

When partners are all striving to give each other total freedom and be not the slightest bit bothered at all, it isn't always the best thing. Usually there is a little bit of fake it til you make it going on if you really couldn't care less, and if that isn't really even the "ideal" you are striving for, you will end up hurting each other because what you are asking your partners to be, is actually deleterious, especially if achieving what if asked is not what you are happy with.

I don't know you or your situation, but from what I read, that's what I got out of it.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 06-21-2013 at 01:53 AM. Reason: none
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  #1799  
Old 06-22-2013, 11:22 AM
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I was back at square one today. One step forward, two back. I guess that's how it goes. It was a day of tears and heartache for things I cannot change and growth I cannot deny myself.

Huge talk with Mono in the last 24 hours. At one point we yelled at each other, but for the most part the yelling doesn't happen any more. Now its calm honest unravelling and untangling of words and feelings, gut feelings included. The gist of it is that I want to have the chance to try a simple life (simple for poly but not mainstream) of just us three living in our house raising LB together with Mono and I as an exclusive couple and PN finding his own romantic love path knowing he is still part of us together and close to me. Mono wants to flirt and date outside of that. He never wants to be with just me and never wants to be bound to traditional roles. He never has. I never said I wanted tradition, but I do want a chance for our relationship to heal and I can only see that happening in monogamy for awhile at the very least.

The confusing part is that he includes me in his life more than ever. We've never been so close physically or in terms of activities. I guess part of it is that I am around more. There is a seperateness that we have never had before though. At least on my part. Four years of NRE. Over. But for him, he's the closest he's been to me in years. I remain stead fast in my efforts to just get over all this and work on me. Most days I'm rather content at that; today was not one of them.

It occurs to me that I have been left out of a good bit of information where Brad is concerned. Finding out about stuff via other means than the person themselves seems disrespectful to me. It's hurtful. Silence doesn't seem to equal privacy in the end around my life. I always find stuff out somehow. It does not add to my trust at all and I am left feeling very uninspired to make an effort.

My trust of people has been damaged this year. I know I over think and blow things out of proportion but what's there to gain if communication is not open? Haven't I been down this road before?! There is no other way than pure vulnerability and openness in poly. Somehow, at what seems to be the brink of losing my circle of support, friendship and love, I feel as if I am being the one who is most vulnerable. At the risk of creating something I don't want to see happen, my life feels much as it did when I lost my community after breaking up with my ex-wife.
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  #1800  
Old 06-22-2013, 08:25 PM
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Had a good talk with PN today. He wants to continue on as we have been doing. He thinks we have a lot of good stuff going for us that he is very happy with. We have our family, friendship, love and caring for one another, and household. This is extremely valuable to both of us and we shouldn't diminish what it gives our lives. He is going to try to get his needs met through someone else. So far this has been difficult to actually accomplish however.

As far as he is concerned there's lots of things we really not sure of. Like where this should all go, or can go, or where he wants it to go precisely. We can't simply go back to the past and the future is hard to envision right now.

We both seem to agree that the sprawling, everybody-dates-everybody else poly thing doesn't suit us and we are tired of being so entwined in it. Both of us are skeptical that anyone is getting their needs met better than if they were monogamous. In some ways it sure looks like serial monogamy with the difference that you never really end the other relationships formally. At least in our lives.

Both of us don't want to leave, break up our family, or lose what we have right now. It's pretty damn good. And we don't want you to be alone. We intend to remain a large part of each others lives.
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