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  #11  
Old 06-16-2013, 12:22 PM
Simone Simone is offline
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@nyccindie - insightful post, thank you. Yes, I do understand the importance of moving beyond the past, while acknowledging it. I started counselling as I have the desire to move beyond it, but not the tools. I'm hoping to acquire these.

I have wondered if my interest in monogamy is an 'escape' from a situation I find emotionally challenging. As London said, if that is indeed the case, I need to tell my partners. I really don't know and am hoping therapy assists in me finding the answer. Escapism? Or a genuine desire to try something new?

Simone
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Me: bi poly female in W relationship. I'm one of the hinges.
Lad: bi poly guy, the other hinge of the W. We share a house, but not a bedroom. Long-term relationship.
Mr Smiles: Gay / homoflexible guy, end of W, partnered to Lad. Long-term relationship.
Muffin: Straight guy. The other end of the W. We've been dating about 18 months.
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  #12  
Old 06-16-2013, 01:21 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Simone View Post

I have wondered if my interest in monogamy is an 'escape' from a situation I find emotionally challenging. As London said, if that is indeed the case, I need to tell my partners. I really don't know and am hoping therapy assists in me finding the answer. Escapism? Or a genuine desire to try something new?

Simone
Is it having a monogamous relationship or is it maybe you behaving monogamously? I had to figure that out myself so it's a good idea to distinguish between the two. Having more than one partner and to try to balance their needs can be emotionally taxing, maybe you need more time for yourself?
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  #13  
Old 06-16-2013, 08:43 PM
Simone Simone is offline
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@Natja - it does all seem very taxing. I'm at a time in my life when I have a lot going on; health issues, financial pressures, high work demands e.t.c. and trying to find a way to make poly work (especially in light of some very traumatic childhood stuff that has been surfaced by this), just feels like yet ANOTHER demand. I'm so weary. I just want to stay in my bed for 6 months and shut the world out.

Simone
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Me: bi poly female in W relationship. I'm one of the hinges.
Lad: bi poly guy, the other hinge of the W. We share a house, but not a bedroom. Long-term relationship.
Mr Smiles: Gay / homoflexible guy, end of W, partnered to Lad. Long-term relationship.
Muffin: Straight guy. The other end of the W. We've been dating about 18 months.
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  #14  
Old 06-16-2013, 08:57 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Well poly is certainly challenging, it is no wonder it is adding to your weariness.
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  #15  
Old 06-16-2013, 09:12 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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What kind(s) of open model relationship one wants can change over time. At this time... Does all that mean you want a closed polyship limited to X partners? Versus being in the mostly closed "W" with the one partner also being "open?" What model does your newest partner seek?

It sounds like you are doing the right things once you realized it wasn't a one time thing but chronic triggering -- asked for partner support, set some initial boundaries to get a handle on it, started with a counselor, etc.

If you are going through a mental health/sttress/anxiety thing, I don't think it is unreasonable to ask a partner for some soft limits that could change in time as you get on to better footing and resolve personal issues. Could tell your partner what you are doing so he knows you are honestly working on it and not foot dragging -- he's already been to one appt with the counselor so it seems like he's aware you are taking this seriously. But could ask if he wants more updates along the way?

You both could redefine your boundaries later as you progress.

You don't sound great but sound ok enough under the circumstances. Just adjusting to change and doing things you need to do?

Could page 5 & 6 things or this other article on jealousy help somewhat with your interaction with your partner as you dig deeper with the counselor on your other stuff?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-17-2013 at 03:47 AM.
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  #16  
Old 06-16-2013, 10:23 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Is it having a monogamous relationship or is it maybe you behaving monogamously? I had to figure that out myself so it's a good idea to distinguish between the two. Having more than one partner and to try to balance their needs can be emotionally taxing, maybe you need more time for yourself?
I wouldn't call what the OP is feeling anything close to behaving monogamously. Its a bigotry against all females because of a negative experience with some females. Its an unacceptable attitude though wonderful she can identify a what and why.

I was jumped once by a group of girls with darker skin than my own. What would you call it if I had no issue with my partners dating light skinned people but flipped my shit over a dark skinned metamour?
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  #17  
Old 06-16-2013, 10:38 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
I wouldn't call what the OP is feeling anything close to behaving monogamously. Its a bigotry against all females because of a negative experience with some females. Its an unacceptable attitude though wonderful she can identify a what and why.
You know instead of getting your knickers in a twist over something you 'think' I said, you might do better to ask for clarification instead.

I was asking the OP whether it is a MONOGAMOUS relationship she wants i.e a closed dyad or whether she is finding balancing the needs of two (or more) partners emotionally draining and she might to do better to BE MONOGAMOUS herself (whilst her partner is Polyamorous).

I don't even understand what the heck you are talking about.

Quote:
I was jumped once by a group of girls with darker skin than my own. What would you call it if I had no issue with my partners dating light skinned people but flipped my shit over a dark skinned metamour?
WTF does this have to do with my post?
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  #18  
Old 06-16-2013, 10:40 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Originally Posted by Simone View Post
@Natja - it does all seem very taxing. I'm at a time in my life when I have a lot going on; health issues, financial pressures, high work demands e.t.c. and trying to find a way to make poly work (especially in light of some very traumatic childhood stuff that has been surfaced by this), just feels like yet ANOTHER demand. I'm so weary. I just want to stay in my bed for 6 months and shut the world out.

Simone

It really does sound like you need some time to focus on yourself at least temporarily. Is it at all possible that you can get away on your own for a while, see how you feel?
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  #19  
Old 06-16-2013, 11:31 PM
Simone Simone is offline
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Well, depending on some major changes going on at work, I may be minus a job next month. If this happens, I could borrow a friend's holiday home and have some time away.

I realise I'm quite clinically depressed, which is probably not the best time to make major life decisions.

Thanks for your support.

Simone
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Me: bi poly female in W relationship. I'm one of the hinges.
Lad: bi poly guy, the other hinge of the W. We share a house, but not a bedroom. Long-term relationship.
Mr Smiles: Gay / homoflexible guy, end of W, partnered to Lad. Long-term relationship.
Muffin: Straight guy. The other end of the W. We've been dating about 18 months.
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