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  #51  
Old 01-23-2010, 04:32 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Write this 5000 times:

"Poly relationships are just like mono relationships except there are more people involved."

Being in a one-on-one dynamic does not mean it won't be abusive or unhealthy, just as being in a multi-dynamic does not mean everyone gets their "needs met".

Last edited by NeonKaos; 01-23-2010 at 04:38 PM. Reason: This message was also posted in another thread
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  #52  
Old 01-25-2010, 10:03 PM
juliepatchoulie juliepatchoulie is offline
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Default Remember What Tom Petty Said

Hey PurpleDreamer! Don't Back Down.....that's right....this stuff it is what it is and it ain't rocket science, no, it's much worse LOL because it's its the human condition! Polyamory means 'multiple love' and it simply is what it is...everyone needs some degree of intimacy with someone even if its a pet! And you know I haven't figured anything out except right now I am happier than I have ever been and about to embark on some new adventure ever so carefully, you know that treading lightly thing....however, if this forum did not exist with all of your very cool feedback, well, you know....keepin you updated-joules
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  #53  
Old 01-25-2010, 10:05 PM
juliepatchoulie juliepatchoulie is offline
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Default Thanks YGIRL

keeping it simple and you are soooooo right at least some of the time! lol
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  #54  
Old 01-26-2010, 11:37 AM
purpledreamer purpledreamer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
Write this 5000 times:

"Poly relationships are just like mono relationships except there are more people involved."

Being in a one-on-one dynamic does not mean it won't be abusive or unhealthy, just as being in a multi-dynamic does not mean everyone gets their "needs met".
Yep - what I have learnt is just cos someone claims to be poly, doesn't necesarily mean anything about them (that they are honest or open), other than they are in relationships with more than one person. And I've also learnt, that just because I may choose to be in a Poly relationship doesn't mean I have to accept being treated poorly.

The odd thing was that my family kind of said, "What did you expect" when I spoke about the things that had happened. Like they automatically assumed that because we were in relationships with more than one person, that someone I should have expected that I would be disrespected.

I was having a conversation with my sister about something to do with it and I said, "I know that, by YOUR standards we seem to have thrown all our values out the window (her values being related to monogomy), however you know our relationship is based on the same things as most relationships: love, honesty and respect"

I had a few monogomous relationships too that have been less than respectful also. But it certainly hasn't turned me off relationships for good!

The lesson here for me is to look at what needs I have been having met by attracting less than supportive relationships into my life and what I can change within myself/my behaviours to change this pattern.

I think I will get a better outcome from writing 500 times:
"I LOVE AND RESPECT MYSELF AND ONLY CHOOSE TO BE IN RELATIONSHIPS THAT ARE LOVING AND RESPECTFUL"
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  #55  
Old 01-26-2010, 02:03 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by purpledreamer View Post
Yep - what I have learnt is just cos someone claims to be poly, doesn't necesarily mean anything about them (that they are honest or open), other than they are in relationships with more than one person.
Oh I'd go further than that - I know people who self-identify as poly without having ever been in a relationship with more than one person - they have decided they are interested in this lovestyle but have no experience of really doing it - sometimes their reality is very far from their dreams (and this goes for individuals and couples).

Someone saying they are poly should be the starting point of a conversation, not the end-point. Don't assume ANYTHING about who they are, whether they are more trustworthy, less manipulative, less abusive, whatever. Anyone can say they are poly - literally anyone. There is no "polyamory certificate" that you have to pass some test for, or an organization with entry requirements.

There are people who use poly as an excuse to cheat on their spouses, to "get in your pants", or to "cull someone from the herd" (aka a cowboy/girl).

And there are control freaks and abusers.

...and there are also some wonderfully nice, stable people with their heads firmly screwed on.

So finding out exactly what they mean by polyamory is the next step - finding out what sort of person they are is the next - and both are vital before entering into anything with them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by purpledreamer View Post
And I've also learnt, that just because I may choose to be in a Poly relationship doesn't mean I have to accept being treated poorly.
Absolutely! If there was one bit of reading I could recommend (and it's not long), I would recommend the article Polyamory for Secondaries from Franklin aka tacit. I feel strongly that everyone deserves respect and trust in their relationships.
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  #56  
Old 01-26-2010, 02:11 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Oh I'd go further than that - I know people who self-identify as poly without having ever been in a relationship with more than one person - they have decided they are interested in this lovestyle but have no experience of really doing it - sometimes their reality is very far from their dreams (and this goes for individuals and couples).

Interesting. I know people who identify as poly and *have* had relationships with more than one person and still get lambasted by reality each time from a seeming inability to learn from their mistakes.

I have learned that while experience is a good thing to look at, it is not a hard and fast measurement of wisdom in a relationship.
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  #57  
Old 01-26-2010, 03:48 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
Interesting. I know people who identify as poly and *have* had relationships with more than one person and still get lambasted by reality each time from a seeming inability to learn from their mistakes.
*chuckle* Ah yes, Ceoli, VERY good point - I know some like that as well.

Quote:
I have learned that while experience is a good thing to look at, it is not a hard and fast measurement of wisdom in a relationship.
No, far from it. Agreed.
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Last edited by CielDuMatin; 01-26-2010 at 03:50 PM.
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