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  #1781  
Old 06-15-2013, 03:09 PM
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Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
Och RP - your struggles make me sad for you. I very much hope that you can find your way to a resolution.

I have been reading your blog for a while now and I too wonder if it might help you to get some professional help for your issues around being abandoned. It seems that they cause you so much grief.

You have spoken sometimes about it being an impossible dream to have somebody be monogamous with you - to have a partner who loves you and nobody else. I wonder why? This isn't an impossible dream - lots of people have that and many of them for prolonged periods of time. Do you feel that it's impossible that anybody could feel that way for you?

It has seemed to me that in your case, maybe your decision to live the life you do is to avoid ever being alone. You surrounded yourself with partners but still wrote regularly about meeting new folks interested in poly for coffee dates and maintained a profile on OKC. You wrote once about being terribly upset because Mono chose to stay over with friends of yours rather than come home with you and how upset you were that even with 4 partners you still sometimes found yourself alone.

These seem like strong responses to being alone and you seem to have made very little progress with fixing them - maybe some outside, professional help would be a good idea?



This - why would your love being with somebody who isn't you while you are away be a problem? Should they sit alone, pine and wait for you to come back? People can love you and you can be incredibly special to them without them being alone whenever you guys aren't together.



And this. I agree with you. I very often see no significant difference between friends and loves. In fact, I don't even limit it to human beings. One of the most powerful connections in my life and strongest friendship was with a dog.

To me, this is a good thing. To you this seems to be a source of sadness.

Why?

Why not talk about friends? I talk about mine loads. I am friends with some amazing people who fill my life with interest, affection and love. They are fascinating, vibrant individuals and I talk about them.

I hope you are able to find some peace soon.

IP
Thanks for your words. It's given me a bit of hope that someone might decide to be monogamous with me if we should chose.

I don't expect others to not do anything without me. I just want to BELIEVE that I am missed, that others will want to be with me, wish I was there and wish they were with me. Not in a pining way but in a "I'm living my life but I will see you later and can't wait!" way. I hear it but unfortunately I have also heard from Mono things that have made that change for me. He has expressed how it makes no difference what I do, where I am and whom I'm with. He says he doesn't miss me and hasn't for a long time. He feels nothing when I'm gone and doesn't wish to be with me any more. He wants me to feel the same about him. I don't. It's left me uncertain about where I stand with everyone in everything they do. Could everyone of felt like that?

Part of this is why one partner might suit me better. The weight of thinking that all my partners felt this way has been, well, weighty. I have really taken his words to heart. It should be fine to just get about my own business and be fine with whatever, but its shaken me and I am working through it.

I didn't cause Mono to feel that way. He admits it's him who puts far too much emphasis on what he thinks his responsibility and I wonder if his words are back lash of that some how. Still, I'm flailing under their weight and the weight of other things he has said.

My realisation that even with four partners I still feel alone somehow was a just one of many indications that I have work on myself to do. I'm doing it. Perhaps I need more help but really, to me, spending the night camping with my boy and not losing my mind with anxiety is an indication I'm doing better. This morning I am panicked a bit... but talking myself through it and rationalizing with myself. It will come. And yes, if I need help I will seek it out.
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Last edited by redpepper; 06-15-2013 at 03:21 PM.
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  #1782  
Old 06-15-2013, 03:27 PM
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Thanks for the book recommendation wildflower. You are right, I'm finding it hard to accept change but change has already happened in many ways. I am in it anyway. There are huge changes going on. It's more about managing change so I don't leave everyone and start again. I have a history of that and its meant I don't stop and deal with issues. I just move on and they move with me. There is only so much I can take and right now I am not able to let it go without bolting.
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  #1783  
Old 06-15-2013, 04:00 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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There is a book I found really helpful and I tend to not suggest it on here because it isn't geared towards poly. It was alterable, I chose to read it without thinking of other lovers as "exits".

http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/0805087001

I found it very helpful. Maybe you will too?
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  #1784  
Old 06-15-2013, 08:41 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Hugs.

I too see my friendships as being much the same as my lovers. But, like IP said, they are a HUGELY meaningful part of my life. Especially when the chips are down.
When I am curled up in a ball on the shower floor, fighting the urge to knock myself off (which happens every winter when the brutal cold hits), when I can't remember what it's like to be warm, to feel sun on my face, to walk in the sand, to run in the grass. When I can't remember what it is that makes life worth living-

I run through my happy memories of friends. Some of those friends are an ongoing, daily part of my life.

BUT RP-
Some of them are people like you, people who took the time to send me cookies, took time to meet me while I was on vacation to share a hug, people who opened their home to me so I could lay my head down in a safe and warm place while traveling.

Sometimes, when my world is falling apart, I just think of the pictures you post on facebook and the things you talk about regarding LB. Because those things remind me that in fact, I'm not alone, even when I FEEL alone-and believe me, when the depression hits and I'm struggling against suicidal thoughts-I do feel alone.
I think about dinner, a dinner you planned, so that I could meet your family and friends face to face. I especially think about LB talking about gravity. Does that sound stupid?
Let me tell you why.

That little boy of yours, he see's the world through a unique lense. He has perspectives that have never crossed my mind. He's like.... almost 30 years younger than me. But, he comes up with possibilities I couldn't figure out were even IMAGINARY options!
That little detail is one of the main reasons I think of you and LB when my world is falling apart. Because-I figure if he could think up these alternative possibilities that never crossed MY mind regarding all of this science and worldly stuff-then it stands to reason that there is a WHOLE LOT going on in the world and within me and my relationships-that I am completely unaware of.

Let me repeat that...

I figure if he could think up these alternative possibilities that never crossed MY mind regarding all of this science and worldly stuff-then it stands to reason that there is a WHOLE LOT going on in the world and within me and my relationships-that I am completely unaware of.

Likewise-I would put money down that if the situation were laid out for him (not saying you should, just go with me for a second);
That what he felt was the explanation, what he felt was the "next step", what he thought was the "lesson" for you in all of this-
would be WHOLLY different than anything you or ANY of us has suggested or even considered.


RP-we can't any of us see the whole picture. Not you, not me, not anyone.

But-if you just take this camping moment to consider your son's perspectives on life and how they could possibly relate to what you need, what you are feeling and struggling with-
I honestly believe you will find that even if none of it makes a lick of sense-it will give you hope.

That kid inspires me from how many 1000's of miles away? I know he inspires you too. Let that inspiration spread out of your "Mommy-mode" and into the rest of you too.
Let LB give you hope that whatever it is you fear, long for, dream of etc-will work itself out in time. Not necessarily in the manner you imagined-but something different and potentially better.
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  #1785  
Old 06-16-2013, 12:48 AM
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I wrote this on facebook but it seems useful here also...

Why hold on to stuff that just isn't going anywhere or working? Why do that? Why shove situations into a box out of a need not being met or a want. What if there is something being missed because there is so much time and energy being spent on trying to make something be something it isn't? Look at things for what they really are and act as soon as you see them as such. Stop wasting time and move on to something that works and flows naturally!

Letting something flow into your life always comes with a consequence. Something needs to give to allow the banks of the stream to move. There are always options though. Choosing something that seems clumsy and uncomfortable is sometimes the best option when looking at the bigger picture. It's a matter of understanding foresight; is this option necessary to gain in some other way something closer to what works and will work for others. Will I gain more, help more or harm more. If the answers lie with a flowing path moving toward something stronger and something that make a person say "yes, fuck yes!" then the course is clear. If there is ambivalence and wavering then its not the time to change the flow. Its time to do the hard work needed of foresight.

Sometimes people and situations change it for us and that is the hardest flow change of all.... streams are damned, ecosystems destroyed, pools of water gather and eventually something must give under the pressure. If someone causes this for another then it must be understood that there can be no expectation that a damaging result won't occur. It can't be expected that someone else's change of flow will not cause effects more devastating than is first realize.

Please though.... foresight, bigger picture, consideration of others; take it from someone who has lived it if nothing else... check your moves carefully as every one of them causes ripples and changes the flow for everyone around you. Your "whatever, I will do it anyway because I can and want to," can mean changes that could devastate your future some how.... or create something wonderful. It's all in foresight.
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  #1786  
Old 06-16-2013, 12:59 AM
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LR, LB would say thank you for slowing your life down so that you can look me in the face and listen to me talk about Star Trek, Science, Superman, and all the emotional turmoil that happens for him right now. He is a creative boy who never lets anything stand in the way of figuring it out with positivity and excitement.

I stood and looked at my little boys body while he showered today at the camp ground. He is so fucking beautiful I wept inside as I watched him. He is a genius in my eyes. A perfect creation that is so simple and wise.

He would say our family is everything to him and that no one else matters but us. We are all home to him and and each other. Whatever that means we should take hold of that an not let go. I know that and have been moving forward with him in mind; what he would say. If it were me I would be long gone.... creating another life. His wisdom is why I stay as much as his need for us to be together.
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  #1787  
Old 06-16-2013, 02:35 AM
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He is wise. Be patient with yourself-he's operating from a sincerely solid foundation-you are operating from a self-defense mechanism.
In this case; he's the solid one to follow.

Isn't it amazing how frequently as parents we are actually following and not leading?

I do know what you mean about LB. I feel much the same about my SweetPea. Here's a thought for ya! Sweet Pea is THIRTEEN! He starts high school this year! SCARY THOUGHT!!!
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  #1788  
Old 06-16-2013, 05:19 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Redpepper, do you REALLY think that "being monogamous" is going to get this monkey off your back? "Relationship broken, add people" applies to monogamous relationships too. If you are broken, you are not going to get to the root of your problems and overcome them by going on OK Cupid and enlisting someone to be your next enabler.

I think you would greatly benefit from getting in touch with your internalized misogyny. I have suspected since way at the beginning that you are threatened by other women whom you perceive as your "equals" and you also view females as your competitors.

I also think your brain is going through some chemical imbalances that combined with everything else, has made it impossible for you to fix yourself for the long-term. You have been trying to use first-aid bandages and splints to symptomatically address your hemmorhage. Everyone can see these things except you. I wish i knew what to tell you to do, but you probably wouldn't do it, just like most of the people who talk to strangers on the internet about their personal problems.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 06-16-2013 at 05:31 AM.
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  #1789  
Old 06-17-2013, 03:00 AM
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Redpepper, do you REALLY think that "being monogamous" is going to get this monkey off your back? "Relationship broken, add people" applies to monogamous relationships too. If you are broken, you are not going to get to the root of your problems and overcome them by going on OK Cupid and enlisting someone to be your next enabler.

I think you would greatly benefit from getting in touch with your internalized misogyny. I have suspected since way at the beginning that you are threatened by other women whom you perceive as your "equals" and you also view females as your competitors.

I also think your brain is going through some chemical imbalances that combined with everything else, has made it impossible for you to fix yourself for the long-term. You have been trying to use first-aid bandages and splints to symptomatically address your hemmorhage. Everyone can see these things except you. I wish i knew what to tell you to do, but you probably wouldn't do it, just like most of the people who talk to strangers on the internet about their personal problems.
Well thanks for telling me what everyone thinks. I guess that could be helpful to know. Eventually I can imagine there will be nothing left to tell me about who I am. For now I am all ears and taking anything that makes sense out of a the stuff that really just doesn't.
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  #1790  
Old 06-17-2013, 04:14 AM
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Redpepper, do you REALLY think that "being monogamous" is going to get this monkey off your back? "Relationship broken, add people" applies to monogamous relationships too. If you are broken, you are not going to get to the root of your problems and overcome them by going on OK Cupid and enlisting someone to be your next enabler.

I think you would greatly benefit from getting in touch with your internalized misogyny. I have suspected since way at the beginning that you are threatened by other women whom you perceive as your "equals" and you also view females as your competitors.

I also think your brain is going through some chemical imbalances that combined with everything else, has made it impossible for you to fix yourself for the long-term. You have been trying to use first-aid bandages and splints to symptomatically address your hemmorhage. Everyone can see these things except you. I wish i knew what to tell you to do, but you probably wouldn't do it, just like most of the people who talk to strangers on the internet about their personal problems.
Well thanks for telling me what everyone thinks. I guess that could be helpful to know. Eventually I can imagine there will be nothing left to tell me about who I am. For now I am all ears and taking anything that makes sense out of a the stuff that really just doesn't.
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