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  #461  
Old 05-17-2013, 05:58 PM
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Congrats!
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  #462  
Old 05-19-2013, 01:15 AM
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Oh so excited for you!! Congratulations and I hope your feeling better!
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  #463  
Old 05-23-2013, 11:58 PM
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Default Great Relationships

I was reading a post about forgiveness, written by a poly-acquaintance on fb.
He was talking about how important it is that both parties be focused on the future in terms of "having a great relationship" (whatever TYPE of relationship that may be).

It got me thinking.

One of the things that really struck me was this:

A few months ago, ok almost a year, I was whining and pissing and moaning about the unfairness of xyz thing Maca was doing. Some of his behaviors were BASED UPON his continued passive-aggressive "punishment" of me for having an affair.
But-it had been 3 years and he knew fully (and acknowledged clearly) that not only had the situation changed, but I had changed and there was no doubt in his mind that I was not going to lie to him or repeat any of those hurtful things again.

Several people commented-but the one that struck me then was from Galagirl (i'm not quoting, I'm not going to go search for it). She basically asked me when I was going to expect that Maca stop punishing me, when was I going to expect that forgiven meant it was done and the punishment done?
There are consequences, some will last forever. But punishment isn't the same as consequence.

I sat down with Maca and told him that I was done being the scapegoat for all the issues that arose in our family. That I had paid the price for my "crimes" and we needed to either end or truly "start new". No more manipulative shit-talking about how much I had hurt him when he was meeting new women, no more holding me to stricter rules than himself etc.

This all goes along with the more recent post I read about forgiveness.

Because-when we had that conversation, Maca admitted that he wasn't even THINKING about his actions, the sneaky, nastiness that came when he was hurt, had become HABIT and he was doing it "naturally" without intention or thought.
He stopped.
We both started focusing on "what ARE we building together" instead of "what did we do to fuck up what we WERE building together".

THAT is what finally pushed us over the edge of "poly but miserable after mono misery" to "poly and happy".

We had to STOP analyzing, STOP thinking it over, STOP processing the bs, STOP reacting from PRIOR pain and fear, STOP living in the past and
START focusing on just enjoying our time together
START focusing on dating each other (not without dating others)
START focusing on loving each other
START focusing on making a future together-starting TODAY.


Too often, we (as people) fluctuate between two extremes. In this case, we either don't process anything and go through life on auto-pilot OR we spend so much time processing negative emotions, that we don't leave ourselves room for ENJOYING WHAT WE HAVE RIGHT NOW.

It's important to remind ourselves-that there is a reason we are together-and it isn't so that we can analyze our faults 24/7.
Enjoy the day. Stop to smell the flowers sure, but don't forget to also enjoy the whole scene!
Say you are sorry, be honest when you are hurt, but don't focus on the hurt to the point where it can't heal.
If you keep picking a scab... it keeps bleeding.
LEAVE THE SCAB ALONE after you have ensured the cut is cleaned out!
Let it heal while you are making new, happy memories.
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  #464  
Old 05-24-2013, 12:18 AM
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I needed to read that.
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  #465  
Old 05-24-2013, 01:48 AM
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Then, I am glad that you did.

It is always eye opening when we find some small change we can make that has huge implications in our lives
and
so nice when we look back and realize how far we've come.
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  #466  
Old 05-24-2013, 05:21 AM
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Great elaboration on the subject, more topic fodder for me to chew on, thank you!
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  #467  
Old 05-24-2013, 05:25 AM
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Thanks for giving me food for thought as well.
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  #468  
Old 05-24-2013, 05:31 AM
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Default $$$$

I guess I am a little odd.
I don't give a hot damn about $.
Maca has a good job in his career of choice. I am happy for him in that. But, if he lost his job and $ became an issue-it wouldn't upset me. Yes, it is nice that we are now at a point where we are actually investing in the future, not wondering what brand of ramen we can buy or what interesting conglamerations of groceries the foodbank will hand out this week.

But I didn't consider income when I decided to be with him. I could be working and if I needed to scrub toilets to feed my family, I would.

Unfortunately-the side effect is; I fucking resent his job, employer, boss (hunting buddy & friend as well) when they send him on out of town work-and don't bother to bring him home for the days he can't work (like 3 day holiday weekends).
It flat fucking pisses me off & frankly makes me want to tell him to quit.
I don't tell him that. But I FEEL like telling him that and if it were ME, I WOULD quit.
You want me to leave my family for a job-you damn well better be paying me for EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY I AM AWAY FROM THEM. Cause I am NOT wasting lost time for FREE.
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  #469  
Old 06-15-2013, 12:55 AM
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Default Going Good

Things are going good with us.
Maca had to work out of town all of May.
He's home for the month of June. But, he will be gone the entire month of July and most of August as well.

Spicy Pea and family are all doing well, finally settling in with the new baby. They signed closing paperwork today on a house. They should get the keys on Monday.

Sour Pea has been having some attitude problems. She's on "mommy arrest" meaning that she has to be with me 24/7 or in her bedroom. It's helping-but damn it's annoying. Upside-I'm not in school for the summer, so I CAN devote the time to doing this without it crunching other areas of our lives.
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  #470  
Old 06-17-2013, 06:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
"mommy arrest"
He he . Poor mommy.
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