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  #171  
Old 06-09-2013, 12:27 AM
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I haven't posted here for a goodly while. Being long-distance from all my current lovers definitely changes the pace of things, eh!

I've been keeping busy and well. Have to move out from where I'm staying at the moment, so urgent flat hunting has taken up a bit of my time recently. Going to visit a house today that I hope will be it. It's a share house with folks who sound like just my kind of people (big cookups, music, gardening, fostering native animals, etc!) so here's hoping.

Djuna and I have made plans to meet in August to go camping (she'll come meet me here) which is quite lovely. The last time I saw her was when I was visiting there, near the start of the year. She's quite experienced with hiking, camping and outdoorsy things. While I enjoy that, I haven't actually done too much so I'm keen to skill up. And also looking forward to making some noise in nature doin what comes naturally She's a loud one <3

Ocean being here was very very good. He said he left much happier than he arrived... I should hope so! I loved that he stayed for six nights; I can't remember the last time we've spent so many consecutive nights together. Twas quite healing, reassuring, pleasant. His relationship with Menrva has evened out into something that's more manageable for him, and I'm glad things are feeling better for him in that aspect.

His parents are visiting him in a couple of weeks, and I'm going down to see them too. Depending on how things go (i.e. their mood, etc) he might be telling them about our open relationship! We chatted about that possibility, when he was here. It's tricky - we really can't predict how they will react. His ma has a tendency to take things quite hard, when she worries about something. But she's also supportive and very caring. So her response will depend on whether she sees this as trouble for us or not. His father is open-minded but he does have a concern for what his extended family think of him. So this could be uncomfortable for him. Also, his connection with Ocean is good but not wonderful... They don't share much of their deeper selves. A tension like this could make it even harder for them to connect.

That said, Ocean does want to tell them at some point when it seems okay to do so. It's just a question of timing, if now is best or he feels it's better to wait. He's planning on introducing them to Menrva in any case, whether as a lover or a friend.

One other serious thing we talked about when Ocean was here, was babies. Up to now, it's been up in the air as to whether Ocean wanted to have kids* or not. He thought he would like to, at some point, but wasn't sure about when. However, he's been thinking more recently and he feels he doesn't ever want to have kids. It didn't upset me as much as he expected it to. I was quite calm about it really. I'm more concerned that he's judging his feelings well... But if that's really how he feels, mm, it is a bit disappointing maybe? Not really. I don't know. If he was really into it, I think I would be too. But if he's not, I'm not going to pressure him.

The fear for me is that he will feel differently later, when we've already chosen other paths that are hard to turn back from.

Specifically, if I have kids with Grotto. Ocean says he's okay with that idea, but will he feel okay about the reality? What if that happens, and he suddenly finds he's not okay? I'm scared that it could change things in ways we can't know, right now. Not sure where to go from here. I asked Ocean if it might help to think about that aspect (his comfort with me having kids with someone else) a bit more, to try to sense what he might feel like. Whether he think he'd possibly feel regret around that...

I don't know accurate thinking about your possible feelings is, when you're thinking about a scenario you have not experienced, and not really anything analogous to it either. But it's the only idea I have at this point.

More to process here.

* I say "kids" but I really mean - one, or two, or whatever happens. I don't ever want to need to have kids. I don't feel like that at the moment. It'd be more about whether I'm being open to the possibility or not. Maybe trying, but not to any great extreme (timing cycles and all that). I personally wouldn't want to be trying really hard. I don't feel that drive. I know I'd feel content in my life without my own children. But I'd also love to have children and would like to be open to having children.
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  #172  
Old 06-10-2013, 03:36 PM
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Default Wafer thin!?

Confession: I've started using OkCupid. I really just thought of it as one way to meet likeminded people in a new city, but although I tried my best to project my intention of friendship only... there are some lovely wimmins out there, shucks!

One in particular who I've met a couple of times so far. I'm a little bit... mm... *shuffles feet*

She dropped me off at the train station today and my goodbye hug had strong preferences for being a goodbye kiss.

May need to skill up on the art of cultivating bonsai relationships

Current strategy is to keep it gentle, relish any tension, be light-handed and ride whatever comes... That's my ideal posture towards many things in life, really, but I don't always achieve it.

Waves build of their own accord and decide if and when to break. I'll be here with my surfboard <3
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  #173  
Old 06-14-2013, 11:24 PM
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Ah, fuck. I don't know how massively I have screwed up. My conscience is AWOL. (It still is, I weirdly feel no guilt. Trying to diagnose myself; wondering if I'm having a manic episode.) Here's what happened.

Grotto and I have an agreement that I don't hook up with any of his close friends. It's something I don't totally understand (because this restriction is only with guy friends, not girl friends, which makes me feel like it's some territorial dispute?) but it's something I've agreed to respect, and he's agreed to try to unpack (at some point in the future). I'm really not good with boundaries I don't fully get. But this is obviously a boundary for him, which I need to be careful of.

Despite this, I didn't.

Two nights ago, I was out to celebrate the opening of an art show, that had a couple of my pieces in. It's a first for me, so I was very excited about it. I had planned to meet a couple of people there (some from work, as well as the girl I mentioned in the previous post, who I'd connected with online.) I also invited a friend of Grotto's who lives here.

I don't know this friend very well. I'd met him a few times through Grotto. Since moving to this city, I'd caught up with him for drinks and been in touch with him a wee bit. Talking with him... was pretty luscious. I knew I'd have to be careful here, because I could see myself slipping if I didn't keep things steady. Basically - warning signs. Which I'd talked with Grotto about and I knew I should do my best not to go there.

My plan was to crash with this girl. She said I could stay at hers (I currently live far from the city and can't stay out too late if I don't have a backup plan.) I was looking forward to seeing her, unwinding... yeah. Unfortunately as the night went on she texted me to say that she wasn't feeling well and couldn't make it, but I could still crash on her couch. I said thanks, I'd probably need to and would be in touch. But a couple of hours later (when I still had time to catch public transport home, if I got organised to do that) she replied saying that in the end she didn't feel well enough to host me, and she was in bed already. I obviously said: that's fine, rest up, see you later (etc).

Just then Grotto's friend messages to say he's coming over if I'm still out. Uh oh. I checked myself, and I could tell I wasn't in a state to make responsible decisions re: this friend. Decisions that affected me directly? Yes. Decisions that affected Grotto, that I hadn't yet deeply internalised? ... ... No. I was in the mood for company, and going with the flow. I could recognise there weren't enough dams in place, for this level of rain. Ah, fuck fuck fuck. I had work colleagues due to come over, but even if they did turn up, they'd likely not stay long. Chances are I would end up hanging at the end of the night with Grotto's friend.

I knew I was in an awkward spot. Before his friend got here, I sent a text to Grotto to call me, which he did. We talked briefly, I explained I didn't mean for this to happen, but I was feeling this way and I felt there was a risk that I'd end up sleeping with his friend tonight. He reiterated that he really really didn't want me to do this. I said I'd try my best, but I could tell my words were hollow. I wanted to not be this person, but I was this person and couldn't / didn't want to help it.

This is not a situation I would have consciously orchestrated, but it is one I post-fact embraced. It was like life had given me a free pass (perhaps I stole it) and I could feel myself not being able to resist.

I asked Grotto to call me back to touch base in a couple of hours. I hoped I could hang out til then, and get another burst of focus later on in the night...

Two hours later, his mate and I were at a pub. It was fun, chatting, hanging out. This guy is fucking smart but also compassionate, and super engaging with ideas. My brain felt really good in his company. More or less hanging out as mates, but how long would it stay that way? Just as he cruised off to the bathroom, I got my callback from Grotto. Perfect timing. We talked, but it was obvious I was way too relaxed about the consequences of any possible behaviour on Grotto. What could I say? I cared about his feelings and opinions, but it didn't hit me strong enough to influence what I was doing. (He's astounded and hurt about this, and I totally hear what he's saying, and I'm really sorry that he's hurt - I regret it? - but I feel nothing. What the fuck?)

Anyway, Grotto and I exchanged a couple of texts over the next hour - he said "Don't hurt me bubble" and I said "I love you" rather than "I won't" (Jesus)... I was so susceptible.

His mate and I walked back to his place. There was a decision for me to sleep on the couch which morphed into an attempt at sleeping together (just sleeping, for the physical company - ha) which eventually, due to an exquisite amoral tango, led to us fucking. It was carnal; we'd gotten too close and the magnets came together of their own accord.

How did this happen?

I didn't get a chance to plan myself out of this, in advance. I'm useless at exiting the river when my boat's caught a current. I needed more reasons to paddle hard the other way, and I didn't have them - despite Grotto's clear communication. All I heard was words. It's almost like I needed heart-wrenching tears and blood. I needed to feel it. My god, I feel soulless right now. Where was my empathy?

I tried to get his friend to help. He understood why Grotto would be uncomfortable with this. Afterwards, when we were talking more, he said his head and heart understood this was a bad thing, but his body was in control. Ah, shit. It was hard to hear that... For me, I was a lost cause in all departments. Or at least my eager self rushed forward, leaving my ethics behind like a tortoise in the dust. Now that I've crashed and burned, hopefully that moral compass will come trudging past eventually.

A couple of funny comments in the morning, dark humour I guess, as we knew we'd been reckless, and would soon discover the damage (though I was still naively hoping things would be okay!) His friend said that it was a comforting thought to him that, in the reverse, Grotto would have done the same thing. (So true!) And the other was a suggestion that I could perhaps make up for it by sleeping with all Grotto's friends. Hehe... ahhhhh. Yes.

Until I actually debriefed with Grotto about this, I still wasn't sure if this would hit him badly. I'm not sure what made me not 100% know that he'd be devastated. Am I so hopeful that I can't see reality? Anyway, chatting with him, it was clear that this was going to stab him. I felt like we shouldn't talk about this online. I'm visiting there at the end of the week, and I tried to put it off til then, but it unsurprisingly failed...

grotto: you didn't sleep with xxxxx right?
me: baby can we talk in person please
grotto: oh fuck

So, yup. The big reveal. Grotto's astounded, hurt, angry, disappointed. I feel chastised (but still not guilty?). I wrote to his friend saying that this was bad, and could not be repeated. That we could hang out as friends but would need to Not Flirt at all cos I don't want to set myself up to fail. He wouldn't want that either; it would mess with their friendship. All good on that front, I feel okay about the future.

But as for what's already done? Still working through it, trying to understand why. Things between Grotto and I are numb. I'm wondering if I'm feeling a delayed reaction... like a deep cut that is white for a while before it bleeds. I don't know. I don't feel bad about what I did. I feel like I didn't have the tools, the empathy, to make the right decision. Some part of the puzzle was missing to me. But, maybe I simply let my desire - to touch, to explore - to override any concerns of Grotto's. I was selfish. Unremorsefully selfish.

How can this be love?

Looking forward to seeing him in person. I feel like we must sort this out (there's no talk of breaking up) but... this is a serious wound. I get the sense I don't realise how bad it is yet. C'mon, tortoise!
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  #174  
Old 06-14-2013, 11:46 PM
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Default Well I did say I needed to see blood

This is why I should never flirt with someone else's heart. God He doesn't deserve this. I wish I felt like I knew what I was doing. I was in such a dream space. Hello, reality. Poor Grotto, fuck...

Subject: i feel asleep crying and i woke up crying

how could you not understand "please don't hurt me" like i gave you a carton of my eggs to look after for safe keeping and you went and smashed them all up on the sidewalk and then you look up at me me all doe eyed like "oh this wasn't what you meant?"

I had this kind of feeling like you were going to do it anyway and it was stressing me out and then after txting i felt ok and then in the morning YOU KNEW I WAS WORRIED AND I WAS FUCKING RIGHT I WAS RIGHT FUCK

For some reason i dunno i just didn't think you had the capacity to do this to me, like i just assumed better and it's the kind of disappointment like wile e coyote looks down and suddenly realises he's run out of road and there's nothing but gravity and hundreds of meters of treacherous air between him and the ground.
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  #175  
Old 06-15-2013, 03:38 AM
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There's nothing for it. I've gotta head over there and sort this shit out. Booked flights - leaving tonight. Ouch, that's some expensive sex. Luckily I got paid on Thursday; gonna be a tight fortnight though.

Grotto's flipped over this. Seriously not coping. Hopefully seeing him and talking in person will help. It has to help. Well. Can't be worse than this.

Long distance hard boundary transgression? I wouldn't recommend it, folks.

Time to pay the piper.
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  #176  
Old 06-15-2013, 04:03 AM
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Default Plinth

Your classic Nice Guy, who surprised me by being so naughty in bed. He's unfailingly polite, generous, considerate. Quite Tall... I only make it up to his chest (kiss.) Oh, I love him.

He cooks as if the kitchen is his trusty steed. His beard is a forest. His cock feels like it was forged to fit into my throat, shaft to sheath.

I met him on the street, one drunken weekend night. He mistook Ocean for a friend of his. Turns out we have a handful of mutual friends. Plinth offered us a spliff. We smoked up on the corner as traffic skimmed past.

A casual friendship. Every meeting a joy. To talk with him is to travel.

I had not thought of him as anything but a platonic friend, apart from one conversation at a party. Words riffing, I felt myself physically drawn. I didn't say anything, but thought "ah... I'd love to take you to bed."

This was before Ocean had started dating Menrva, and he was still not out about being non-monogamous to his friends. Plinth was in that circle of friends, so I knew I couldn't go there because of Ocean.

Months later, it's Mardi Gras. We're out dancing to music, eating gumbo - a big crew of friends including Plinth. We go for a walk (him and I) to acquire more alcohol. On the way, he asks me: "what were you thinking the other night?"

"What other night?"

"The night of the party, when we were talking. It sounded like there was something on your mind."

Wow. That was exactly the One Time that I'd felt strongly attracted to him physically. I definitely hadn't said anything, but he had figured it out anyways. Oops. I eventually admitted this, and before long, walking back, we were stopping every few steps to kiss. Yikes, he's delicious.

Another day, sober, we had a Clarifying Conversation. Oh, yes. This could work. The tricky aspect could be the dynamics between Ocean, him and myself - since the three of us were established friends. I wouldn't want things to become odd between Ocean and Plinth. But we said we'd see how it goes, and manage it. Stop if anything's amiss, etc.

So far, it's been wonderful. Grotto, Plinth and I have had a couple of explosive threesomes. Since I've been away, Plinth has been hanging out a wee bit with Grotto and some of his friends, too. Part of the family now

Our relationship is undefined, beyond being friends who love and care for each other. We haven't used words like boyfriend/girlfriend. The lack of labels is a pleasant surprise, and a bit unnerving! Funnily enough. But not really, I mean, it's not a problem. I like it. More, please.
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  #177  
Old 06-16-2013, 11:50 PM
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Default We're good

My god, what a mess. But we're working through it. I'm forgiven, for a few discrete counts of idiocy. Grotto's bruised, will take a while to fully get over it, but things are much, much better. We're solid. Back on the bicycle.

Flying over here was a good idea. Doesn't bear thinking about, how things would have been if I didn't. I mean, we would have fixed things eventually I'm sure, but it would have been significantly more painful.

Another reason I wanted to sort this out soon was Grotto has an exam for work tomorrow and the day after. In the mind state he was in before I got here, that would have been kind of disastrous.

Spending time with him, around the house - cooking, cleaning, fucking, talking - reminds me of how much I've been missing this. The day-to-day relating. Long distance is such an energy sink. Four more months. Four more months.
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  #178  
Old 06-24-2013, 08:54 AM
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He did it. Today, Ocean told his parents about our "unconventional" relationship. I couldn't look at their faces as he spoke, I just held his hand and watched him talk. He didn't say much, just the bare facts: We're not monogamous. We're seeing other people. We love each other and still want to grow our lives together, to live together. We don't intend anything else to get in the way of that.

I added that it's a personal thing, but a real part of our lives, one that is known to most of our friends and some of my family (but not my parents).

I can't tell how they've taken it. They seemed mostly "oh, okay" about it, but they aren't the type to respond directly.

Ocean thought their reaction was hopeful but somewhat underwhelming

Tomorrow we've organised a dinner with his parents, the two of us, plus Menrva, Bert and Grotto. I'm not sure how explicit we're going to be in the introductions... I reckon we might as well be, considering the big reveal is over. But I will leave it up to Ocean, as it's his parents.

I am quite close with his folks, especially his ma, and I was worried that they wouldn't like it and that it would cool their relationship with me. I'm hoping to have a one-on-one chat with his ma at some point before the end of their holiday here, to check in about how she's feeling. She's extremely honest with her views, esp if you ask her privately, so if I do manage to talk with her, it would no doubt clear things up for me on that front. I'm cautiously optimistic!

In any case, this is a big milestone for us. Shit's getting real, yo.
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  #179  
Old 06-24-2013, 09:45 AM
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In other news - Grotto and I have started being open to having children. We're not trying as such, we're just letting things happen if/when they happen. The other day we jokingly called it "baby roulette"...

Jokingly.

I mean, this is serious business. Are we ready? I think we're ready enough. Like, we know we could handle it. But there are probably more things we could discuss the details of, really. I don't know. I've had sufficient conversations with Ocean about this, but I'd like to talk with him more.

From my perspective, I'm turning 30 this year and if I'm going to have my own children I want to do it in the next few years or not at all.

Regardless, I'd like to be involved in the raising of children - whether it be kids in my friends or family, or foster children.

Big Life Things.

Another Grotto-related thing, he went away with a group of friends for the weekend, on a trip organised by Bijou. They rented a big house, partied up, unwound. It was a good break for him, but he came back feeling unsure about how things stand with him & Bijou, and what he should do about it. She can be hot and cold towards him, and he's too close, too vulnerable not to be hurt by that. He's gonna see how he feels in a few days.

I'm cultivating as much care as I can. Care for Grotto, care for Bijou. I listened to what he had to say, and spoke from a place of love. I have had wild jealousy towards Bijou in the past and it's been good for me to admit that. Ultimately, I just want to be there for him (cue - Stand by your man).

Okay, must scoot. I'm on duty being host to Ocean's parents while he finishes up some work tonight. All's well in the village.
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  #180  
Old 06-25-2013, 07:59 AM
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Nerves. Family dinner in a couple of hours. Ocean and his parents. Me. Grotto. Menrva & Bert.

We haven't directly told his parents that this is the "meet the partners" dinner. I really wanted to tell them in advance. I think I'd be less on edge if I knew that they knew. Ocean agreed that we should tell them, but he said that Menrva was retiscent about it in case his parents were uncomfortable at the dinner... He still had to talk with her more about this today. There hasn't been time to plan this gently in advance... mmm...

In retrospect, we should have just asked his parents directly: "Do you want to meet our other partners?" I feel a bit shit about foisting this upon them. They know we're going out to dinner with friends, but not who the friends are. I mean, it's cool. It's cool. I'm just... nervy. I think it would be less awkward if they knew what the fuck was going on.

Menrva was keen to have a meal with Ocean's parents while they were here. So we sheduled a time so everyone could make it. Logistics done - but some prep obviously unfinished.

Grotto's nervous too. He's having a pre-drink before dinner. Ah... easy, boy.

He's happy this is happening though. I was surprised at how much it affected him, really... I guess he's been this hidden person, and it's a relief not to be that anymore. Something he said while we were chatting yesterday:

grotto: i feel pretty good about it, i think even if it hadn't gone well i kind of would in a way cos it's like, bridge burned
i dunno, i kind of feel like more of a real person
it's just good to have stuff acknowledged
as like, a real part of our lives

Ocean & I are from a subcontinental background so it's been an effort for us to maintain connection with our parents' culture, whilst growing up in a quite different culture. We're both value the fact that we're close friends with our families, but up to now we've haven't been open with our parents about having other relationships.

Yesterday was a big step. Tonight feels like an even bigger one.

I'm scared...

... This is somehow more intense than just telling them.

Last edited by fuchka; 06-25-2013 at 08:01 AM.
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