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  #1771  
Old 06-14-2013, 02:25 AM
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Thanks for PN's writing on being "in the dance." I'm pondering for a bit on that.

My first reaction is one of anger today. I am not wanting to be in a dance of poly. I have reached poly burn out. Fuck the dance. I want some simple little life of good friends, happy family and someone who I can pour my heart into. Ya. Backward for a poly forum. Reactionary perhaps.... maybe I will recoup and see it the poly way again but for now I seem to be unable. I seem to be moving toward working on my abandonment baggage etc and making a fool of myself for someone I would likely be better to say good bye to.
Interestingly-I didn't see that post as having anything to do with poly... Maybe because most of my adult life hasn't been poly? I don't know. But, it reminded me of my closest friendships and how our lives are intertwined even when we are distant....

Maybe re-read the post from PN without considering it as being romantic or poly in nature and consider it from that perspective?
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  #1772  
Old 06-14-2013, 02:33 AM
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All I ask is fidelity (can you believe this is RP talking... I can't sometimes).
That would be a breaking detail for me-for two reasons.
1) I tried-with all my heart in the promise, to live by that rule and failed. So I am loathe to try again.
2) I don't believe at all that anyone can be happy with JUST that. Frequently we say "I only ask..." but the truth is, that is bullshit.
We only ask whatever one thing IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT. But, when push comes to shove-it's not REALLY the only one thing we want/need/expect.

I am confident enough of number 2 that I will say-if Mono offered you fidelity-but he stopped being the man you know today-it wouldn't be enough RP.

I KNOW you mean it when you say it. But, there are other things you expect (and ANYONE would). A simple example, kindness and respect towards your son and your responsibility to him. You might reply that you *know* that Mono would never change in regards to LB. But-that's kind of the point yes? You were confident that he wouldn't change in respect to being mono to you either. But, he did change. (not making a judgment-just saying). Likewise-in addition to fidelity, there are other things you need/expect/require/ask and many are probably PERFECTLY REASONABLE, most even.
But don't delude yourself by allowing yourself to believe that it's only one thing you want. It's not.

You might want monogamy.
You might want fidelity.
But there are other things too and they are equally important.

Hugs.
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  #1773  
Old 06-14-2013, 05:31 AM
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Agreed LR. Still processing and grateful to say stuff out loud. It sounds ludicrous writing some stuff down. But I am sure it will just help to get it all out.
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  #1774  
Old 06-14-2013, 03:17 PM
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Something Cindie doesnt seem to get in painting a glowing pic of your former poly life--- I always thought your life seemed a bit frenetic, overly busy. Kid, full time job, PN, Mono, Derby, NSBf, then Ken and Brad and burlesque and gardening and organizing campouts and speaking at poly cons... good grief!

You've briefly mentioned 'wookin pa nub" in your 20s, giving your body away in a "bad" slut way...

In your 30s, into your 40s you kept running from your issues with this busy busy busyness.

Now, you say you're working on abandonment issues. Let's look at that! You seem like a wounded child, rootless, clueless. Why are you avoiding therapy? Come on, RP! Go see someone, every week. You've got a deep wound that Mono, or mono, can't fill. Posting random things here isn't enough.

Quote:
Maybe I am completely insane.
Not completely, but... maybe a little? You need professional help. Blogging can only do so much.
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  #1775  
Old 06-14-2013, 04:32 PM
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Good point Mags. I am doing lots but maybe not enough.
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  #1776  
Old 06-14-2013, 10:00 PM
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I feel like I've walked into one of them televisual soaps, everyone seems to enjoy so much.

... and I just cannot understand why anything is going on.

It feels more like a lot of information is being lost from you to us, because everything is going around in circles.
What information has been given, there have been fixes to the problems from all of us.
But it seems like you're saying "no, you don't understand, because -look at how difficult it is-", whilst giving us the same information as before.

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  #1777  
Old 06-15-2013, 06:31 AM
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I feel like I've walked into one of them televisual soaps, everyone seems to enjoy so much.

... and I just cannot understand why anything is going on.

It feels more like a lot of information is being lost from you to us, because everything is going around in circles.
What information has been given, there have been fixes to the problems from all of us.
But it seems like you're saying "no, you don't understand, because -look at how difficult it is-", whilst giving us the same information as before.

Welcome to my head somegeezer. There have been some ideas on fixing it but everything takes time. I could stop writing I guess. Until I'm totally on board and loving it all. Not share my process, thoughts and progression. This is my blog however and while I appreciate the feed back I write here as part of the process. I tend to recite the same thoughts over and over again until I reach a solid foundation to stand on and stop. Everyone processes differently. This is what its like for me.
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  #1778  
Old 06-15-2013, 07:06 AM
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I'm sitting in the woods at a camp ground having organized and come to a camp for LB's school. Its dark and warm and the campers are finally quiet. It occurs to me that I am doing this on my own. I usually have someone with me. Its just LB and I. I feel rather odd about it. Usually I would panic. I'm calm and grounded in the trees. Even loving and connecting with myself. This may just be the summer of loving me.. and me only.

If I text someone they are instantly there. Boom. Response. It's an illusion of connection. They are half with me and mostly with others. It makes me angry and sad at the same time and I wonder about that. If I don't think about it then I believe they miss me, long to be here too, wish I were there, and think I'm their special someone who they love and is loved by me. I'm not. It's an illusion. They are with someone else and really its just nice to get texts. I am just a person they want to keep around. I'm nothing more special than the next person. Just one in a crowd of people they know. There is nothing me nor they can do about that. I just carry on and wait for someone who fills my world and mourn what doesn't exist anymore for me.

It occurs to me that my NRE with Mono lasted four years. How's that for a record. No wonder I am struggling. He was my world. I fell into him. How odd to see him from this distance. He's just a man. A man I used to be so connected with and bonded with I could read his mind. Now he's a fragment of that. He still haunts me though. It's torturous being still here with him in our lives. Like a slow break up that never ends. I walk around this camp site in indifference and alone.... I guess that better than the pain. I await joy again.

I listened to the chatter around the fire tonight. Couples talking of how they met and their love and devotion to one another. I was resigned to having nothing to add to the conversation. I felt nothing but alone. Strangely, I didn't care. Poly adds no pride in who I am now. I thought of saying something of my life and who is in it as people who I care for and who care for me but it felt as if I were talking about friends. Not loves. I have heard enough mono people not get how love is expansive and can be spread to many loves. I get that right now. Focussing attention on one means something to them. I see no difference between friends and loves in my life tonight. I don't talk about friends so why talk about poly.
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  #1779  
Old 06-15-2013, 08:26 AM
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Och RP - your struggles make me sad for you. I very much hope that you can find your way to a resolution.

I have been reading your blog for a while now and I too wonder if it might help you to get some professional help for your issues around being abandoned. It seems that they cause you so much grief.

You have spoken sometimes about it being an impossible dream to have somebody be monogamous with you - to have a partner who loves you and nobody else. I wonder why? This isn't an impossible dream - lots of people have that and many of them for prolonged periods of time. Do you feel that it's impossible that anybody could feel that way for you?

It has seemed to me that in your case, maybe your decision to live the life you do is to avoid ever being alone. You surrounded yourself with partners but still wrote regularly about meeting new folks interested in poly for coffee dates and maintained a profile on OKC. You wrote once about being terribly upset because Mono chose to stay over with friends of yours rather than come home with you and how upset you were that even with 4 partners you still sometimes found yourself alone.

These seem like strong responses to being alone and you seem to have made very little progress with fixing them - maybe some outside, professional help would be a good idea?

Quote:
If I don't think about it then I believe they miss me, long to be here too, wish I were there, and think I'm their special someone who they love and is loved by me. I'm not. It's an illusion. They are with someone else and really its just nice to get texts.
This - why would your love being with somebody who isn't you while you are away be a problem? Should they sit alone, pine and wait for you to come back? People can love you and you can be incredibly special to them without them being alone whenever you guys aren't together.

Quote:
I see no difference between friends and loves in my life tonight. I don't talk about friends so why talk about poly.
And this. I agree with you. I very often see no significant difference between friends and loves. In fact, I don't even limit it to human beings. One of the most powerful connections in my life and strongest friendship was with a dog.

To me, this is a good thing. To you this seems to be a source of sadness.

Why?

Why not talk about friends? I talk about mine loads. I am friends with some amazing people who fill my life with interest, affection and love. They are fascinating, vibrant individuals and I talk about them.

I hope you are able to find some peace soon.

IP
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  #1780  
Old 06-15-2013, 11:31 AM
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Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
"
I see no difference between friends and loves in my life tonight. I don't talk about friends so why talk about poly."

And this. I agree with you. I very often see no significant difference between friends and loves.

To me, this is a good thing. To you this seems to be a source of sadness.

Why?

Why not talk about friends? I talk about mine loads. I am friends with some amazing people who fill my life with interest, affection and love. They are fascinating, vibrant individuals and I talk about them.

IP
I wanted to say this but IP said it better than I would have.

I am sad for you that the love you used to feel for your friends (because I do think I saw this in your posts) no longer brings you happiness.

I can see that you're mourning the loss of your relationship with Mono as you knew it. And this is understandable - it was of immense value to you, it gave you great joy, and it has morphed into something that pleases you less. It seems natural to grieve over the loss.

And yet things will always change; we can't expect otherwise. (And if someone asked you to not change you might have felt trapped.) Sometimes reframing that way can help me, just as IP was reframing above. Of course you know already that things must change, but right now you don't really seem to accept it.

I think you might get something from the book I'm (re)reading these days, which addresses where the anxieties we feel may ultimately come from. I felt that it pulled together a lot of the issues that I've thought about and grappled with, and helped me see them in a larger picture. I'm rereading because it was a lot to absorb the first time through. It's by a therapist named Irving Yalom, and its called Existential Psychotherapy.
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