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Old 06-14-2013, 04:58 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
If your relationship with your husband is so fulfilling why the quest for a third? In my marriage something was missing for me.
Not directly related to this thread, but I had to respond to this part. My relationship with my husband was/is fulfilling all by itself...I didn't really feel like there was anything "missing" per se. (Although, to be perfectly fair, I wasn't "looking" for another partner - I just happened to find one anyone.)

I don't think that you have to look at it like "I need someone that has the exact qualities that my first partner lacks." If I ran into someone with the exact same qualities as my husband ... I would probably like them TOO (after all, I liked my husband from the get-go ). You like a person for who THEY are, in and of themselves, NOT how they compare to your existing partners or fit into the "gaps" in your life. Interesting, lovable people are interesting and lovable, regardless of who else I am involved with...

JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 06-14-2013, 05:01 AM
london london is offline
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Location: UK - land of the free
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In fact, common advice is not to open your marriage if it is unfulfilling. You aren't looking for someone to add to it and make your marriage something it isn't.
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Old 06-14-2013, 08:34 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Originally Posted by london View Post
In fact, common advice is not to open your marriage if it is unfulfilling. You aren't looking for someone to add to it and make your marriage something it isn't.
Hmmm, that is why I dislike the ad's that start 'Searching for our missing piece'

I don't necessarily think they mean it anyway, I just think it is stock romantic phrases that people drag out from monogamyland and use it in Poly.
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Old 06-14-2013, 09:10 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Location: Germany
Posts: 651

I would like to second Jane. I know that some see it as "completing the picture/puzzle" but I would be perfectly happy with any of my relationships as a two person one. That special criteria is the reason why I knew that it would work for me in the case of my husband/boyfriend. If a partner is missing "something" I will not feel the need to be with him/her. This may be different for others, as Dagferi pointed out, but not neccessarilly for all
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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Old 06-14-2013, 01:40 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Posts: 398

I feel in a way it's a mix of the two for me. I never went into being poly feeling like I was lacking something in my relationship with Woodsmith but since being with Primal as well I've realized the two of them do fullfill different parts that make me feel more whole than without them both.
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
N8: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: N8 girlfriend
Ruby: Part of the Leather Family
Logan: Leather Sir in the Family
Arc: Logan's boy
Holly: Leather family
K: Holly's sub
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Old 06-14-2013, 02:26 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I'm really glad you found it helpful, and as others have said, good on both of you for thinking hard and taking difficult advice. Just a quick thought --

"This is to say, I do not think I have such a good handle on such things to the point that it would be irresponsible or immature to willingly get into such an arrangement. I don't think this is entirely fair to her or her other partners, and doubly, if not triply so for a husband or other long-term partner."

Why would it be unfair to her life partner for her to date you, but not unfair to your husband (I assume we've gotten past the point of thinking that he MUST necessarily have ongoing access to her body and heart just because you do)?

Time management and dealing with jealousy are crucial to doing poly well, and that would be true in a triad as much as in any structure. Angling for a triad is not a way to skirt having to deal with these issues... you just can't avoid them if you want to be non-monogamous. If anything, the poly-fi triad attempts I've read about have been *more* rife with problems around these topics... which might be because the people who put themselves in those situations were more inexperienced to begin with, but which I think also has a lot to do with the fact that in that sort of structure you go from 0 to 100 right away... from it being just you and your husband all the time to this third person suddenly taking up a huge chunk of your life with no "home base" of their own to return to to give you space while you adjust to the reality of being open. No room for either of you to cope with missing those days when it was just the two of you, because if you want to leave the third person alone for a while you're abandoning them with no allowance for another support in their lives. And there's no room for anyone in that sort of scenario to nurture the one-on-one connections that every relationship needs like oxygen.*

*This being why I found this question from your husband, which I didn't take the time to comment on specifically before, to be especially troubling --
"How rude would it be to ask a potential individual to do as much as possible 'together' as a trio?"
-- it just shows a lack of understanding of how deep, authentic, romantic relationships form. And, yeah, it would be way rude. If I were involved with you, it would make me feel like I was constantly being monitored, regardless of your intent.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 06-14-2013 at 02:33 PM.
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Old 06-14-2013, 02:30 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Location: Pennsylvania
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The realization that my husband was missing something my boyfriend offers came as I got to know my bf more and more. Both men are very similar. Both strong men physically and mentally. Honest, trustworthy, loving, and I could go on and write a book. The difference is my husband is a loud rowdy individual. He tends to want to talk about everything.. he will push me. While my boyfriend is more like me. He allows me to process and do things my way. Oh trust me he will push when needed in our relationship but he is not like my husband who will push me off into the deepend beyond my comfort zone.

Once in a while I need peace in my life a partner who is a solid force willing to have my back
. Who allows me to figure it out my own way. Yet everyonce in a while I need a shove off the cliff or challenged.
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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Old 06-14-2013, 03:21 PM
northhome northhome is offline
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Location: Scandinavia
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Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
We don't expect everyone to agree all the time, but we do expect you to treat each other with respect, and maintain some decorum of civilized discussion.
Hear, hear. Informed, polite and well-reasoned discussion would, at least for some, be far more persuasive than abusive rants any day.

It makes you wonder, how on earth do some of the 'petrol dowsers' maintain a relationship with their communication style(s) anyway?
Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world.

- Tao Te Ching
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Old 10-13-2013, 12:30 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Posts: 519
Default To the Unicorn Hunters

I saw this in a post about a couple who had found a bi woman to join their relationship, successfully:

"Since meeting her my gf and I have watched our relationship improve. I am no longer unstable in my feelings, my girl is loving it of course and we are happier. I always knew I was not monogomous but now I realize that I may be someone who needs a poly relationship."

We (the outside world) may understand this happens and can be healthy. But, please, talk about her as if she's a human being. Stop just telling us about how she's "improved your relationship with your girlfriend." Stop telling us about how much you and she love it. Tell us about the new girl. Tell us about what she's like, why you like her, why your first girlfriend likes her. Something that makes us think she's not just a sex toy for you.

Maybe then unicorn hunters won't get such a bad rap?
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Old 10-13-2013, 01:12 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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I know those vomit worthy "success" stories really get my goat too. Often posted three weeks into the dream life long (obviously) relationship also.
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adding a partner, attitude, expectations, love, one penis policy, opp, polyamory, polyfidelity, triad, truth, unicorn, unicorn definition, unicorn hunters, unicorn hunting, unicorns

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