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  #291  
Old 05-23-2013, 08:04 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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I first learned about polyamory when I was 20. I tried it with my high school sweetheart, my best friend and my current SO. My high school sweetheart wound up marrying my best friend and I wound up marrying my SO. We weren't ready, we were young and did it for all the wrong reasons. I have avoided it for so long for fear of that happening with my SO. 13 years later, I look back and realize I have been doing it all along. There just didn't happen to be sex involved. I don't think I could ever truly just be with one person. The one time I did do that, it was toxic and unhealthy. I have lots of love and caring to go around
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  #292  
Old 06-04-2013, 05:11 AM
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castle33 castle33 is offline
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the first time I actually sat and read about multiple partners was when I was in 9th or 10th grade. my older cousin would let me read all her books. I found The Seasons of Beento Blackbird.

link:http://books.google.de/books/about/T...AJ&redir_esc=y
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  #293  
Old 06-14-2013, 12:52 AM
1of4 1of4 is offline
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Default Why Poly? Why would you choose this?

This is kind of a weird question, but having finally come to accept that I'm polyamorous (it came at me unexpectedly and almost accidentally)... and as a practicing poly person who is just this week celebrating two years in a quad relationship (we are two married, heterosexual couples who "fell for" each other kind of by accident), I sometimes wonder why anyone would actively seek this lifestyle out.

Don't misunderstand. I completely love my husband of 20+ years. I also love my husband's girlfriend (in a sisterly type of way) and yes, my boyfriend too. The four of us have so much fun and so many adventures together and I get so much joy from our relationship that sometimes I feel like I will burst with happiness. And at this point I would no sooner give up my boyfriend or our quad relationship than I would willing give up a limb.

But on the other hand, it is SO complex to manage a quad relationship and all of the individual relationships within that quad. Sometimes, I struggle really hard with issues of jealousy and insecurity--emotions that I had never really felt before our quad...or at least not this intensely. And sometimes I still get really sad about being in the closet, and frustrated that none of us will ever really be able to be open about what we mean to each other. Sometimes I even get terrified that I have risked what was an incredibly strong marriage when we started out (and still is), but could be somehow hurt by opening it up like this to other relationships.

We are in the middle of moving closer to each other...just a few miles away. Maybe I'm just getting cold feet and am feeling anxious due to that.

But, I can't help wondering. Why poly? I didn't choose poly. Poly chose me. And if our quad relationship ended tomorrow (which would be horrible!!), I don't know that I would seek a relationship like this again. I guess I'm saying that even though I might be poly, I would choose not to practice poly. Maybe.

I'm just wondering why so many of you--knowing how hard and complex poly relationships can be--choose to be "practicing" poly people?

Please convince me again that this is all incredible, and rewarding, and fulfilling, and all worth it. lol
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  #294  
Old 06-14-2013, 01:12 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I've seen "incredibly strong" monogamous partnerships fall apart. Not all, obviously, I'm not anti-monogamy. But polyamory forces you to work on your issues, to face jealousy and insecurity, to get better at communication and time management and acceptance than you were before... if it's going to work, that is. It's sometimes semi-jokingly called Relationships 201. I figure, if you're forced to work harder on your relationships skills, maybe you'll get better. Maybe you'll actually deal better when a storm comes your way than you would if you'd never challenged yourself.

That's not why I'm poly, precisely. I'm poly because it feels right and natural to me. *shrug* I find that I get different things from different partners. I learn more about myself. And, hey, more people to help out if I need to move or hide a body. I'm out, so the closet isn't a problem for me. Why do you feel like you guys couldn't possibly be out?
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  #295  
Old 06-14-2013, 01:16 AM
1of4 1of4 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Why do you feel like you guys couldn't possibly be out?
Three of us could. My boyfriend would absolutely, positively lose the career he loves if he ever came "out."
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  #296  
Old 06-14-2013, 01:28 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Oh, that's rough. :/ Sorry to hear it.
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  #297  
Old 06-14-2013, 01:40 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1of4 View Post
But on the other hand, it is SO complex to manage a quad relationship and all of the individual relationships within that quad
I was talking with a swinger couple I'm acquainted with recently about poly vs swinging. The male of the couple said that it just sounded like way too much work; keeping up with all of the relationships. All of the rules, managing time, etc. I responded "Yah, that sounds awful, I would also bail on that".

He was pretty confused by my response.

The cause of his confusion is basically the same as the cause for most of the horror stories I've seen posted on these boards. People who are prone to trying to control the actions of their loved ones, people who cannot stand to be alone with themselves, and who hand off responsibility for their feelings to their lovers are destined to have gruesome and dramatic relationships. This personality type trying to have a poly relationship is going to sink like the Titanic - everyone dying and trying to blame it on someone else.

This is not a poly issue, this is a general interpersonal issue.

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Originally Posted by 1of4 View Post
Sometimes, I struggle really hard with issues of jealousy and insecurity--emotions that I had never really felt before our quad...or at least not this intensely.
Dealing with emotions as an adult are tough. I know I didn't get a lot of practice growing up since I was raised to be a whiny and entitled American just like everyone else around me was. Learning to deal with my own emotions continues to be a struggle at times.

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Originally Posted by 1of4 View Post
I'm just wondering why so many of you--knowing how hard and complex poly relationships can be--choose to be "practicing" poly people?

Please convince me again that this is all incredible, and rewarding, and fulfilling, and all worth it. lol
Odds are very good that it is difficult because you are making it difficult. Start living your life as a fully functional and independent adult while allowing everyone (everyone) around you the same courtesy and you might find that the world runs itself just fine without your input.

If I decide that my life is difficult and just one complex and unpleasant puzzle to solve after another I'm going to STOP DOING IT. I'm not trying to be ugly to you, just reminding you that it is your life even though you are merely 1 of 4.
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  #298  
Old 06-14-2013, 01:55 AM
1of4 1of4 is offline
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Thanks Marcus. Generally I agree with you, though you'll just have to trust me on this, I am anything but whiny and entitled and surely didn't grow up that way. I also do believe I am living as a fully functional and independent adult. Just one who has found herself in circumstances she never could have fathomed even a few years ago, and is working hard to find the healthiest way to live in them...and trying to be honest with myself along the way and deal with it responsibly and maturely when I feel something like jealousy or insecurity.

But you are correct. If its difficult it is partly because I am making it that way. But that's why I am here and that's why I'm asking questions like these: so I can learn to just let the complexity go, live in the moment, and let it just be what it is.
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  #299  
Old 06-14-2013, 02:22 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1of4 View Post


I'm just wondering why so many of you--knowing how hard and complex poly relationships can be--choose to be "practicing" poly people?
It chose me. I wouldn't have chosen this. In fact, growing up, I didn't want to partner up at all, no marriage, no kids etc. Because watching my parents "monogamous" disaster was enough to convince me that it would be best to just stick to friendships and forego the "undependable" romantic relationships available.

Then hormones started to rage and I was off and running in the disaster we call romance.

At any rate, I love my partners. But-life WAS much easier single.
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  #300  
Old 06-14-2013, 04:05 AM
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This matter of choice ... do you really feel that this applies here? You yourself said, that poly chose you. For me, it sounds like asking "Why do you chose to love?" or "Why do you chose to have a realtionship with other human beings?" I personally believe that I can not choose what I feel; it simply is. I can choose if I want to react accordingly or if I try to stuff that feelings away. I tried to do that in the case of love for some years. Did not work well and made me suffer. If I want to see a choice here, it would be the one between doing the "relationship work" or being unhappy.

I can say that poly kind of chose me back then or, put another way, that my feelings finally showed. After I accepted my feelings and stopped restricting myself, all came naturally. I can say, that I suffered a lot more before I embarged on the poly journey. I love my life right now and if I would happen to be single again, I do not think that I would actively seek more than one partner again, but as before, if it happens it happens. I have never actively sought out relationships. They just come into your life with the people you meet.
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