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  #11  
Old 06-13-2013, 10:53 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default I glad there's no unspoken underlying issues

on this topic

I don't want to make any assumptions about you Root, because in general doing so is not good practice, and I have my own views of what exactly constitutes the behavior that actually is abusive, which is what I would call true unicorn hunter. Treating you and spouse as abusive hunters unless you are, is wrong.

And because everyone will agree that abuse is wrong as well as treating you as an abuser when you are not, is not the two sides that people are quick to line up with or on.

These types of topics really shouldn't be discussed, pardon my french, for the fuck of it. Which is the only reason I am going to say this, because unless you have never had an profile account here at polyamory.com, or at least never an active one, bringing up this topic as a fresh new face is not a good idea.

But I would be hard pressed to be able to say for sure, and it being wrong to just assume, I will take you at your word if you say otherwise

but because of the situation I feel it is appropriate to ask if you are really as fresh a face as 5 posts makes you appear?

not that I am of any authority or you under any obligation to answer

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 06-13-2013 at 10:57 AM.
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  #12  
Old 06-13-2013, 11:23 AM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Default Triad advice

We are very newly exploring a triad, and all sorts of unexpected feelings have come up....you just can't really be prepared for everything. I concur with an earlier poster here who said that successful triads have started with one member of the couple dating someone separately and then slowly introducing the other member of the couple. For us, this all happened naturally-we weren't searching for it at all. I don't know about you, but my husband and I are nearly complete opposites, so finding someone who actually hits it off with both of us is pretty amazing.

Feel free to read through my blog, I've just started it, and pm me if you'd like. I posted a question much like this one (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44029), and my fave advice was from Marcus:

"When it's good, enjoy the crap out of it... when the attention doesn't seem to be coming your way... remember that they aren't responsible for your happiness and take responsibility for it yourself. Remember that a "relationship" isn't a thing, it's just a word used to describe two or more *individuals* sharing themselves to whatever degree for a period of time."

Although we all enjoy the hell out of being together, having one on one time as dyad couples is very important. It's becoming more important than I imagined it would be. Feelings change-often very quickly-and expecting everyone to all feel the same is completely unreasonable. For me-I felt too much pressure to be on the same "new & exciting" page as FJ & MD, and I'm not. I have my own special relationship with MD that I want to nurture and develop naturally. FJ and I are not a "package deal".

Anyways, I could go on forever, but keep reading and asking yourself the hard questions. Don't think to yourself, "Oh, but we won't be like that/feel like that".
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franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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  #13  
Old 06-13-2013, 11:59 AM
lili lili is offline
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My only real advice for OP is:

-feel really confident that you can be honest and communicative with your partner before diving into this.
-just state what to want to potential partners up front. Get used to rejection, as this style of relationship isn't palatable to everyone.
-it helps to acknowledge the pressure being put on any unicorn you court, but still stick firm to what you want
-it really helps that you can spell. Most of the unicorn hunting messages I get on okcupid are unintelligible, so you're already ahead of the game.
-You might want to get your training wheels at a swingers party. Ever thought about that? Those things are usually full of willing unicorns, some open to the idea of poly
-A triad I knew just up and started bringing their third to family functions and acted like it was normal. They didn't come out though. Shrug. If her family is super liberal, I would honestly just give them a chance. Poly is coming into the media a lot more now, becoming normalized, and it gets a lot of positive coverage.
-for god's sake, don't use craigslist
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  #14  
Old 06-13-2013, 12:12 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default when you say

Quote:
Originally Posted by lili
-A triad I knew just up and started bringing their third to family functions and acted like it was normal. They didn't come out though. Shrug.
do you mean poly family functions?
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  #15  
Old 06-13-2013, 12:55 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Exclamation Mod Note:

Alright, not even 10 posts in and already we have a new member reading hostility here.

Just a reminder to everyone that this Forum exists for people to come and ask their questions, and be treated with respect. And yes, that applies to Unicorn hunters as well, as their journey's in poly as as valid as any others.


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How did I get here & Where am I going?

Last edited by ImaginaryIllusion; 06-13-2013 at 12:59 PM.
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  #16  
Old 06-13-2013, 01:38 PM
london london is offline
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There's a clear bias against unicorn Hunters. I don't care what choices people make, add long as the reasons they made them are not based on fear or hostility
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  #17  
Old 06-13-2013, 01:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emm View Post
You say you're here to learn, but you appear to be more interested in defending your initial position than anything else. My suggestion is that you read up on Unicorn Hunters both here and elsewhere, and either stop getting defensive when people answer your questions or stop asking questions you don't want answered.
He had (and has) an opportunity to answer my questions. They are actual questions. If he wants to respond, or you want to respond, I'll read a productive response. If you think I'm lying and being defensive, then I'm probably not worth your time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I'm not here to explain why or understand you as the yewneek individual you are, or be your relationship coach. You came on here and asked a bunch of stuff and i posted my bit.

I think YOU are the one who is being "hostile". You say you want to hear what other people think, but you really want to hear all about how fabulous and self-aware you are because you are NOT LIKE all those OTHER unicorn hunters.

Predictable.
I actually appreciated what you said on a few points. I wanted to understand your opinions on others. I wanted to explain my reasoning. I'm actually interested, but I'm dubious as to whether or not you'll believe me. If you don't, I don't see how I'm worth your time or why you're wasting any on me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dirtclustit View Post
on this topic

I don't want to make any assumptions about you Root, because in general doing so is not good practice, and I have my own views of what exactly constitutes the behavior that actually is abusive, which is what I would call true unicorn hunter. Treating you and spouse as abusive hunters unless you are, is wrong.

And because everyone will agree that abuse is wrong as well as treating you as an abuser when you are not, is not the two sides that people are quick to line up with or on.

These types of topics really shouldn't be discussed, pardon my french, for the fuck of it. Which is the only reason I am going to say this, because unless you have never had an profile account here at polyamory.com, or at least never an active one, bringing up this topic as a fresh new face is not a good idea.

But I would be hard pressed to be able to say for sure, and it being wrong to just assume, I will take you at your word if you say otherwise

but because of the situation I feel it is appropriate to ask if you are really as fresh a face as 5 posts makes you appear?

not that I am of any authority or you under any obligation to answer
I assume you're floating the idea of me being a sock? I'm not sure if I should be flattered or a bit worried. I really am a newbie, most of what little I know is from reading these forums and poking through articles online.

That said, I really wasn't hoping to cause much conflict. It's hard to miss the kind of negative attention these threads get if you bother reading the forums a little before posting. I was hoping trying to be somewhat humble would mitigate things and give a chance to get some answers without upsetting people, but I guess I did a poor job of conveying that given some of the responses.

That said, sorry if this seemed "for the fuck of it." My wife and I were genuinely hoping for some non-trivial info or meaningful articles.

And to your later post, it's really fine. You were very polite, I guess I'm just surprised anyone would think that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by franchescasc View Post
We are very newly exploring a triad, and all sorts of unexpected feelings have come up....you just can't really be prepared for everything. I concur with an earlier poster here who said that successful triads have started with one member of the couple dating someone separately and then slowly introducing the other member of the couple. For us, this all happened naturally-we weren't searching for it at all. I don't know about you, but my husband and I are nearly complete opposites, so finding someone who actually hits it off with both of us is pretty amazing.

Feel free to read through my blog, I've just started it, and pm me if you'd like. I posted a question much like this one (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44029), and my fave advice was from Marcus:

"When it's good, enjoy the crap out of it... when the attention doesn't seem to be coming your way... remember that they aren't responsible for your happiness and take responsibility for it yourself. Remember that a "relationship" isn't a thing, it's just a word used to describe two or more *individuals* sharing themselves to whatever degree for a period of time."

Although we all enjoy the hell out of being together, having one on one time as dyad couples is very important. It's becoming more important than I imagined it would be. Feelings change-often very quickly-and expecting everyone to all feel the same is completely unreasonable. For me-I felt too much pressure to be on the same "new & exciting" page as FJ & MD, and I'm not. I have my own special relationship with MD that I want to nurture and develop naturally. FJ and I are not a "package deal".

Anyways, I could go on forever, but keep reading and asking yourself the hard questions. Don't think to yourself, "Oh, but we won't be like that/feel like that".
My wife and I are very similar, I think we both hoped that it would help make things less completely unrealistic and more mostly unrealistic. Anyway, we'll be talking more later about the issue of trying to do dating "together." I think we understand that it's not as reasonable as we might like, plenty of people have said it, but we're not entirely sure how to handle that. Part of the issue is that my wife says she's uncomfortable taking a relationship beyond a certain point without my involvement; maybe she could say more about that since I'm not psychic (hint, hint). The other issue is honesty about that and our intentions from the beginning. And finally a plain desire for mutual involvement, which I'm pretty sure I'm rambled about.

I'll certainly look through the blog. It's appreciated.

I do admit I'm worried we just don't have a realistic view of this. I doubt we'd pursue it for some while until there's a better sense of having gotten through the harder questions. I do think we mutually have a desire for excessively close relationships that wouldn't necessarily be many people's pot of tea, but I guess that's something to figure out on our own.

Again, thanks!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
Alright, not even 10 posts in and already we have a new member reading hostility here.

Just a reminder to everyone that this Forum exists for people to come and ask their questions, and be treated with respect. And yes, that applies to Unicorn hunters as well, as their journey's in poly as as valid as any others.
Unless you think he was being hostile I wouldn't put much stock in that. Like I said, if that wasn't his intention, oh well. I am kind of a stupid newbie, just wish the follow-ups might've considered that instead of jumping the gun.
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  #18  
Old 06-13-2013, 02:04 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I'm re=posting my first post in this thread with colors and formatting because I'm so FRUSTRATED by the baby-sitting and hand-holding that takes place on here. I went through this effort JUST to prove that I'm not "hostile". If I were "hostile" I would have left a long time ago.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Earlier Post by BoringGuy
Quote:
Originally Posted by OP
1. What can we do in our position to be polite to the rest of the poly community and not be horribly obnoxious, both in real life and on the forums? We'd both like to avoid being, 'that guy,' 'that girl,' or I guess in this case 'that couple.'

Drop the "we-speak", get used to saying "I", "me", "you", "both of us", etc. Stop thinking of you two as one unit. Make separate profiles on forums (on this forum you are not supposed to share a profile) and dating sites. Get into the mindset that you are two separate people. Get comfortable with not being all up in each other's business day in day out.

Quote:
6. Is dating together a really poor idea, or does it just make things harder, or...? My wife and I would like to do it together if possible; we think it would be fun. If it's considered in bad taste or makes it near impossible, however, we'd like to know. If you're of the opinion that it's not advisable, is there any advice on how to work the additional person in later down the line? Again, silly question that's very situation specific, but it seems worth asking. If it's reasonable or can be done if done right, is there anything to make it more platable for the potential individual? We can imagine specifics like trying not to be too much of a 'unit' during the whole affair (at least, I'd find it awkward if I was in their position), but it'd be nice to hear anything relevant since we're still pretty clueless.

7. We think we're prepared for this and we've put some thought into it (and continue to). But we're both vaguely aware that all the planning in the world often doesn't matter. We've been monogamous for all our lives and both of us very heavily so. We're wondering what kinds of issues we may run into once things start progressing (if we're lucky), and if there are any really common scenarios? We're aware jealousy and unfairness are pretty obvious issues to run into as well as a few other things, but there's probably a lot we wouldn't think of.

I think that married people who spend all their time together and feel like they should date "as a couple" because they are joined at the hip and have no separate interests or relationships are not ready/suited for nonmonogamy.


Quote:
2. What can we do to be polite to others when trying to make our intentions clear? I realize this is really situational, but some nebulous advice would be nice. The reasoning behind this is that we've realized that simply poking around 'likely' areas online (like this one!) isn't the most realistic stance to take, but we'd also like to not make friends or likely acquaintances too uncomfortable if possible.

3. What makes a well established couple comfortable to work into if you're polyamorous? We've already gotten over the 'treat them like a real relationship' stage of ignorance, so no lists of weird rules or behind-the-back whispering between ourselves, but there's probably things that we haven't heard about yet and haven't thought about that would be helpful to know.
^^^^^^See this?^^^^^^

See this:

Also, if you go around meeting women and constantly thinking, "Are you in a relationship? Are you bi? Are you attracted to my wife? Are you interested in being in a triad? What does your family think of marriage? What color is your toothbrush? Do you enjoy caring for children and walking dogs?" then you are going to<-- this is a FUTURE POSSIBILITY, not an observation! READ! put out one hell of a creepy vibe.



Editorial: Boring Guy's thoughts - not to be confused with the OP's questions/thoughts:
I do not understand this whole "Yay we're poly now! Let's go find someone to be in a poly relationship with! It's our lifestyle! Yippee!" mentality. I'm one of those, "Here's A, here's B. I don't have to pick one and leave the other" people. Like, when you're in a relationship already and you happen to meet someone you'd date "if I was single"... You don't need the "if i was single" in order to do that. But not, "we want a relationship with a bisexual female. How do we get one of those?"

Quote:

Anyway, this is probably a lot to read. We hope someone takes the time; if so, thanks!
You're welcome. Any time.

Quote:
Even moreso
Ok, you're twice as welcome twice as much of the time.


Quote:
if you have the time to respond to any of the above,

No good deed goes unpunished.


Quote:
or shove us in the direction of an article or post you think would be enlightening.
I'd like to shove something in a direction, but that might come across as "hostile" so I'll just tickle you with a peacock feather instead. How's that?

Last edited by BoringGuy; 06-13-2013 at 02:10 PM.
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  #19  
Old 06-13-2013, 02:15 PM
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YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
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Yeesh. <brushes off dust>

To my brain, the "We're looking for..." mentality can give off a "desperate" vibe, regardless of whether it's mono or poly. "I'm looking for a GF - are you her?" is just as bad as "We're looking for a GF - are you her?"

I agree with BG's initial post in that if you find someone you want to date, cool... talk to them. Have them meet your wife. See if there's a spark. Let it happen organically.

You're excited because this is new, and it's a whole new world open to you, but looking BECAUSE you're poly really makes about as much sense as looking BECAUSE you're mono and available. People do it all the time, but it's best to find what's in front of you and enjoy the ride.

Last edited by YouAreHere; 06-13-2013 at 02:30 PM. Reason: Extra words words
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  #20  
Old 06-13-2013, 02:18 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post

You're excited because this is new, and it's a whole new world open to you, but looking BECAUSE you're poly really makes about as much sense as looking BECAUSE you're mono and available. People do it all the time, but it's best to find what's in front of you and enjoy the ride.
It's like realizing you're gay or bi and being all, "I just HAVE to find a same-sex partner right NAO! Where are all the gay people? Oh, you're gay? Wanna have a relationship?"
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