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  #571  
Old 05-15-2013, 08:00 PM
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pollyanna pollyanna is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
As for the slave who died-that's just something I can't even imagine standing back and allowing as a person. I don't give a shit what lifestyle a person leads, when a life is on the line-it all goes out the window IMPO. Parents who don't believe in medical care for religious reasons, Masters/Doms who say no to medical care-all can just FUCK OFF.

I have a M/s relationship. I can't even IMAGINE. Taking the responsibility of M or D means taking the RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE CARE AND WELL BEING of another person-much like a parent. It does not mean having the freedom to abuse them or stop them from getting their physical, mental, emotional, psychological, medical etc needs met. It means ENSURING that they get those met.
LR, I agree and hate myself for not overstepping boundaries and being more forceful. Our friend kept most of this to herself--I knew about the financial abuse and the restrictions but she didn't tell me just how sick she was. She was a very introverted and private person and, well, yes--secretive. She didn't want anyone to know and she stayed with this woman for fear that if she left, the community would side with the 'lady' and the slave would be shunned. She was very insecure.

[/QUOTE]It is so important that one have a strong sense of self in BDSM. That's true anywhere but BDSM has real psychological and physical dangers. The pyschological dangers are more pervasive and threatening in my opinion because one can be relatively easily taught to swing a whip safely. It's a technical skill. The moral, emotional or pyschological skills are much harder to develop - they require empathy, love, and care be already present. One can be taught how to be an ethical master, top dominant, submissive, switch, or slave. But someone without ethics, or compassion or empathy, like the sociopathic mistress, can mimic a 'good' top or dom by picking up the technical skills and just enough to pass on the pyschological skills.

I have met a lot of secure, strong submissives and slaves locally. I have also met a few submissives or slaves who so lack a sense of self that they felt like a sucking black hole to me. I've met a few who were desperately needy - which made them desperate to please, no matter the cost. Your friend perhaps sounds like these people. Her 'mistress' is responsible for that tragedy. No question. That was a classic controlling and abusive relationship with M/s as the mechanism for the abuse. [/QUOTE] i have also met people like this and i am afraid my friend was so needy that she really couldn't function without strict control. But, as has been said, control isn't abuse and this was.

A group of us have discussed how we failed her and how we will never let anything like that happen again if we can help it.
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  #572  
Old 05-16-2013, 02:09 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Pollyanna-don't hate yourself. Just learn from the experience. We've all failed at various things in life as life doesn't come with a rule book or pre-preprinted instruction manual.
I wasn't judging you-not at all. More expressing the anger I feel at hearing stories like that where people abuse their privileges.
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  #573  
Old 05-16-2013, 04:56 AM
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I'm so sorry about your friend. Wow. Thank you for sharing the story, we could all use the reminder to look out for each other.
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  #574  
Old 05-23-2013, 08:47 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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I started BDSM when I was 17. I spent from 18 - 22 being classically trained as a sub, then a dom (you have to know what your sub is experiencing to be able to understand what they need from you).

When my son was born, the BDSM went out the window. We have never lived in a large place and sometimes BDSM play can get loud. We put everything into storage (thousands worth of equipment). It got stolen. We couldn't afford to replace it, so even when our son got older and started doing sleep overs we didn't have anything more than what was creative or homemade.

When taxes came back this year, we knew it was time to reinvest in a few good thumpers, stingers, suction cups, wartenburg wheel etc. We have gotten to play a few times but have been rebuilding our confidence back to where it was years ago (Our son is almost 9, plus pregnancy so almost 10 years).

My new bf found a few of my toys floating around and was curious. I tried a 20 minute scene with him and was very gentle and he seemed apprehensive at first but really enjoyed it. We have only gently played a few times, but he likes it more every time and I introduce him to new things slowly. I was a little worried, because for years now, my husband has not been able to put me in "sub space".

A week into our relationship, something about my new bf triggered it and this was how he found out about me when it came to this. He found a way to pull me out before I sank into it because I was not comfortable since we were so new.

The hubby is uncomfortable about him being a dom until he is properly trained. I agree completely. Also, it will help my hubbys confidence if he can put me in sub space again first. I think because of how important and instrumental it was in our developing relationship, he has to know he can still take me there before my bf does.

I can answer most of your BDSM questions. The others will need to fill you in on how that works in their poly life. I am still exploring.
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  #575  
Old 05-23-2013, 08:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LadySFI View Post
. . . it will help my hubbys confidence if he can put me in sub space again first. I think because of how important and instrumental it was in our developing relationship, he has to know he can still take me there before my bf does.
Just curious - why is your husband so insecure that he needs to be first? Don't you think it would be more constructive if your hubs examines his insecurity and develops his self-confidence in all areas of his life, out in the real world, etc.? Without making the sex you have into a contest in which he must compete?
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  #576  
Old 05-23-2013, 08:59 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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I don't see it as a contest.

He has some insecurity issues that he has had all his life and is working on them (growing up like he did will do that to a person). I am trying to help him reclaim the dom that has been suppressed for many years. As a matter of fact, I managed to trigger it in him a couple of days ago on a phone call, and I am hearing some fire that I haven't heard in a VERY long time.

I do not want to ruin that for him. If he needs to remember what he used to do for me as a dom (which I miss the hell out of btw) then I will do what it takes to facilitate that.

He is broken and is about to be medically retired from the military after 15 years (broken by the armys standards, not mine). It has done some damage to the self confidence that he took years to build. I will do what I can to help him restore that. If that means letting him feel like he can make this situation with my bf safer for me by showing him what I like and what is safe, thats what I will do.

I see what you are saying, but we are built more into a triad, so D is becoming involved in a lot of this as well (it is new to him). D is also naturally very confident, so a confidence boost for J wouldn't hurt anything and won't take away from my time with D. Win-Win.
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Last edited by LadySFI; 05-23-2013 at 09:03 PM.
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  #577  
Old 05-23-2013, 09:01 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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Polly, thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry you had to experience something so tragic.
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  #578  
Old 05-23-2013, 09:24 PM
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^^ That makes sense.
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  #579  
Old 06-13-2013, 01:25 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Well this morning was an interesting conversation with Primal. He told me that he's starting to have moments (fleeting ones) of conflict with our relationship and his polyamory. He's told me that he would love to have a 24/7 M/S relationship with me but the conflict part arises because he doesn't see how that would work with both of us having other primaries.

So if anyone has any advice as to how that could work (cause we talked a little about it and would both love to have it if it is feasible) I'd love to hear that.
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  #580  
Old 06-13-2013, 01:45 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Figure out what a 24/7 D/s relationship would look like for the 2 of you. Then, each of you discuss it w your primaries and see how what you envision would work for them.
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