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  #91  
Old 06-13-2013, 06:39 AM
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Root Root is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I know a couple successful triads the key to their success seems to be that one member of the couple dates the individual first. They form a successful relationship then the other member of the couple is SLOWLY brought in and then forms their own seperate relationship with the individual. Dating as a couple works as well as playing the lottery for a retirement plan.

Why do you feel the need to share a person. Why not share the experience of each of you exploring relationship with separate individuals.
I already answered this and thought my post was in moderation cue because I closed my browser too quick to see what the little window wanted to tell me. Hopefully this won't become a sort-of-double-post.

I do understand that a lot of triads form that fashion, and most don't seem to form in the fashion that we were hoping for, if any. As I mentioned in the post above (much better than my original missing attempt, maybe recaptcha ate it?), we're trying to be as flexible as we can but still be honest.

What would be the perspective of a person hearing the proposition of most silly unicorn hunter people like myself? What makes it particularly undesirable to consider? I'm still a total newbie so I don't have a very good perspective of how someone else would feel in that situation -- I do get parts of it, but I don't understand why it's as unrealistic as it's stated to be if the couple was reasonable. That said, please don't insult my retirement plans.

Finally, we're not so much hoping to share as to just have an all-around relationship, except with one more person. I don't know if that's a meaningful differentiation to anyone else! I can't give a really great answer mostly because it's just what seems natural to me. Wife feels the same way, I think.

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Originally Posted by london View Post
I recommend this
That appears to be the article from this site I found very enlightening and helpful (but on a different site, and through multiple posts?)! We've both been doing our best to appreciate what it had to say since it was probably one of the most enlightening single pieces we stumbled upon at this point.
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  #92  
Old 06-13-2013, 08:33 AM
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Drop the "we-speak", get used to saying "I", "me", "you", "both of us", etc. Stop thinking of you two as one unit. Make separate profiles on forums (on this forum you are not supposed to share a profile) and dating sites.
This is my account -- wife will make one if she's inclined to do so. I do think I understand what you're getting at, so thank you.

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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Get into the mindset that you are two separate people. Get comfortable with not being all up in each other's business day in day out.
Not sure what to say to the first; I'm pretty aware of that. I'm of the impression that she is too. The second, though, doesn't seem terribly sensible. Both of us like our relationship as it is. It's possible to spend a lot of time around another person without them stealing your soul. I'm trying to be lighthearted, but I really do just enjoy being in very active and close relationships.

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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I think that married people who spend all their time together and feel like they should date "as a couple" because they are joined at the hip and have no separate interests or relationships are not ready/suited for nonmonogamy.
Being inexperienced I'll try to be humble in this. You may well be right; maybe it's a terrible idea! But I think this assumes too much on too little and may not even apply. I realize that dating together is not easier. I do want to understand the complications from the other side and how it's a bad idea for everyone in question. In doing so, maybe I will clue in to what you're saying.

But I don't understand the why. You've simply stated bare that my desire to date "as a couple" is a bad idea. Which is cool! I expected that. Can you please explain why? And the later part of this is kind of brash; my wife and I have separate interests, it feels you're making quick assumptions based on the fact we spend a lot of time together.

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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Also, if you go around meeting women and constantly thinking, "Are you in a relationship? Are you bi? Are you attracted to my wife? Are you interested in being in a triad? What does your family think of marriage? What color is your toothbrush? Do you enjoy caring for children and walking dogs?" then you are going to put out one hell of a creepy vibe.
The Lonely Island taught me well, what can I say? Use about a kilogram of hair gel daily. Anyway, this seems out of the blue and not productive. If you get this vibe because I posed a bunch of questions my wife and I thought up, I can only say that I'm trying to avoid being an ass and trying to leave someone feeling screwed over because I didn't understand what I was getting into and didn't have the sense to ask people who understand better than I do.

I am actually just trying to approach this in the best way possible from my point of view -- as implied in my first question, I am really open to being corrected if there's something that would be more polite.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I do not understand this whole "Yay we're poly now! Let's go find someone to be in a poly relationship with! It's our lifestyle! Yippee!" mentality. I'm one of those, "Here's A, here's B. I don't have to pick one and leave the other" people. Like, when you're in a relationship already and you happen to meet someone you'd date "if I was single"... You don't need the "if i was single" in order to do that. But not, "we want a relationship with a bisexual female. How do we get one of those?"
I do understand that you guys get a lot of unicorn hunters who jump on the forums and are really annoying; that's the impression I get from other posts on the subject. I'm trying pretty hard to avoid that and understand what I'm getting into. That's the point of the silly questions. I'm not saying I'm succeeding, but I'm really trying, even if it's just having the exact opposite effect.

To the blunt, the above doesn't seem relevant. I can totally understand your point of view. I can understand why people in my position could be really irritating from where you're standing; I just spent a lot of time reading about that. My opinion on relationships simply does not coincide with that. Even were I single and had an interest in two women that I could date simultaneously, I'd greatly prefer one, the other, or a triad. Why? Because that's how I roll. Whoo.

That said, I'm not sure what else to say; that last part in your post seemed a little on the spectrum of hostile. If that's not the intention, sorry. If you are a little annoyed because you probably get this a lot, I do get it in some vague fashion (I don't presume to know terribly well, but I do get it on some level!). Both she and I came here to figure out if what we wanted was viable or even a good idea. Both of us are here trying to be humble about it; if we really are that poorly suited to it it's unlikely we'd pursue it. Neither of us want to cause drama or muck someone's life up or something equally stupid.
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  #93  
Old 06-13-2013, 09:33 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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You say you're here to learn, but you appear to be more interested in defending your initial position than anything else. My suggestion is that you read up on Unicorn Hunters both here and elsewhere, and either stop getting defensive when people answer your questions or stop asking questions you don't want answered.
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  #94  
Old 06-13-2013, 10:31 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I'm not here to explain why or understand you as the yewneek individual you are, or be your relationship coach. You came on here and asked a bunch of stuff and i posted my bit.

I think YOU are the one who is being "hostile". You say you want to hear what other people think, but you really want to hear all about how fabulous and self-aware you are because you are NOT LIKE all those OTHER unicorn hunters.

Predictable.
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  #95  
Old 06-13-2013, 10:53 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default I glad there's no unspoken underlying issues

on this topic

I don't want to make any assumptions about you Root, because in general doing so is not good practice, and I have my own views of what exactly constitutes the behavior that actually is abusive, which is what I would call true unicorn hunter. Treating you and spouse as abusive hunters unless you are, is wrong.

And because everyone will agree that abuse is wrong as well as treating you as an abuser when you are not, is not the two sides that people are quick to line up with or on.

These types of topics really shouldn't be discussed, pardon my french, for the fuck of it. Which is the only reason I am going to say this, because unless you have never had an profile account here at polyamory.com, or at least never an active one, bringing up this topic as a fresh new face is not a good idea.

But I would be hard pressed to be able to say for sure, and it being wrong to just assume, I will take you at your word if you say otherwise

but because of the situation I feel it is appropriate to ask if you are really as fresh a face as 5 posts makes you appear?

not that I am of any authority or you under any obligation to answer

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 06-13-2013 at 10:57 AM.
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  #96  
Old 06-13-2013, 11:23 AM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Default Triad advice

We are very newly exploring a triad, and all sorts of unexpected feelings have come up....you just can't really be prepared for everything. I concur with an earlier poster here who said that successful triads have started with one member of the couple dating someone separately and then slowly introducing the other member of the couple. For us, this all happened naturally-we weren't searching for it at all. I don't know about you, but my husband and I are nearly complete opposites, so finding someone who actually hits it off with both of us is pretty amazing.

Feel free to read through my blog, I've just started it, and pm me if you'd like. I posted a question much like this one (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44029), and my fave advice was from Marcus:

"When it's good, enjoy the crap out of it... when the attention doesn't seem to be coming your way... remember that they aren't responsible for your happiness and take responsibility for it yourself. Remember that a "relationship" isn't a thing, it's just a word used to describe two or more *individuals* sharing themselves to whatever degree for a period of time."

Although we all enjoy the hell out of being together, having one on one time as dyad couples is very important. It's becoming more important than I imagined it would be. Feelings change-often very quickly-and expecting everyone to all feel the same is completely unreasonable. For me-I felt too much pressure to be on the same "new & exciting" page as FJ & MD, and I'm not. I have my own special relationship with MD that I want to nurture and develop naturally. FJ and I are not a "package deal".

Anyways, I could go on forever, but keep reading and asking yourself the hard questions. Don't think to yourself, "Oh, but we won't be like that/feel like that".
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  #97  
Old 06-13-2013, 11:59 AM
lili lili is offline
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My only real advice for OP is:

-feel really confident that you can be honest and communicative with your partner before diving into this.
-just state what to want to potential partners up front. Get used to rejection, as this style of relationship isn't palatable to everyone.
-it helps to acknowledge the pressure being put on any unicorn you court, but still stick firm to what you want
-it really helps that you can spell. Most of the unicorn hunting messages I get on okcupid are unintelligible, so you're already ahead of the game.
-You might want to get your training wheels at a swingers party. Ever thought about that? Those things are usually full of willing unicorns, some open to the idea of poly
-A triad I knew just up and started bringing their third to family functions and acted like it was normal. They didn't come out though. Shrug. If her family is super liberal, I would honestly just give them a chance. Poly is coming into the media a lot more now, becoming normalized, and it gets a lot of positive coverage.
-for god's sake, don't use craigslist
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  #98  
Old 06-13-2013, 12:12 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default when you say

Quote:
Originally Posted by lili
-A triad I knew just up and started bringing their third to family functions and acted like it was normal. They didn't come out though. Shrug.
do you mean poly family functions?
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  #99  
Old 06-13-2013, 12:55 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Exclamation Mod Note:

Alright, not even 10 posts in and already we have a new member reading hostility here.

Just a reminder to everyone that this Forum exists for people to come and ask their questions, and be treated with respect. And yes, that applies to Unicorn hunters as well, as their journey's in poly as as valid as any others.


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Last edited by ImaginaryIllusion; 06-13-2013 at 12:59 PM.
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  #100  
Old 06-13-2013, 01:38 PM
london london is offline
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There's a clear bias against unicorn Hunters. I don't care what choices people make, add long as the reasons they made them are not based on fear or hostility
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