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  #351  
Old 06-13-2013, 06:10 AM
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The baby girl is lost. I won't go into detail why I am so confused and moved by this hard fate the parents have to experience. It feels wrong and threatening.

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Lin and I had a poly related discussion. Or better: it was more along the lines of an open relationship of sorts. We were watching a show, where the mother of two grown children fell in love with another woman. All kind of reasons were brought up why she should or shouldn't pursue this love interest. In the end she left her husband. This sparked a conversation about my desire to be with a woman (whenever this may come into being ...)

Lin wasn't thrilled to say the least. While both of them (Sward and Lin) like to tease me about my feelings for my literary studies professor, he is totally against me having some kind of a relationship with another woman. Or in general: against me having any other kind of relationship. While talking about it, I realized that I am mainly interested in the general experience. I honestly don't know if I would be able to maintain three 'primary' relationships and the thought of it doesn't excite me much.

I am unsure where this will ever lead to and if it leads somewhere at all, but Lin said that he could handle some kind of one night stand/FWB arrangement. I guess, it was beneficial that we talked about it. I don't think that there will be any 'prospects' (weird word in this context ) any time soon, but it is always good to peak about things on our mind freely.

I haven't explicitly talked to Sward about this, but my last information was that he is rather excited if this would come true. Just like he was/is about Lin and my relationship and the physical aspect of it (even though that part cooled down significantly).

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Another happy thing to mention happened around Lin's birthday. We normally meet and sing for the "birthday child" and Lin was present during the other birthdays we celebrated so far since he moved here, but we never sung for him. He got presents but in the 'normal' fashion. This time my mother came to me to ask when we would like to sing our birthday song for him to coordinate the time with the rest of the family. I was surprised.

She: "When do you plan to sing today?"
Me: "Sing what?"
She: "Isn't it Lin's birthday?"
Me: "Yes it is, but do you want to sing for him?"
She: "Well yes of course, we sing for everybody!"
Me: "No, we didn't the first year he moved here."
She: "Oh, I didn't know about it then."
Me: "Do you really WANT to sing for him? You know what I mean."
She: "He is part of the family."

I just smiled. She finally made her peace with 'Us', as it seems. The singing itself was bit unusual later on. Sward couldn't refrain from making faces behind my back while all of us surrounded Lin to sing him a happy birthday. What made Lin unable to maintain a serious face, even though he tried, what lead to him turning totally red during the song. (And it's a long song ) None of us stayed absolutely focused, but it was fun. And an important step for most of us. (I guess that my siblings weren't thinking about the meaning of it.)
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  #352  
Old 07-05-2013, 05:12 AM
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I have been trying to think of something to post and there isn't much going on in our lifes that seem post-worthy, kind of. But as I started to think negatively again, as soon as I thought about visiting this site I wanted to make a happy post, to remind me that everything is good in our case. It made me a bit sad to read about all the negativety on here, yet again. (Well, did it ever stop?) If I remember correctly, the last time I did that, something bad came knocking at our door right away and I am curious if there is a pattern

Nevermind, I was just thinking that our life is beautiful right now. Even though I get stressed and sad regularly about our inability to have children and the time it took us by now without any results so far, what is disheartening for sure, I am happy. Happy about my two partners, happy about the peace all around me, family and friends and happy about my life in general. No doubt, there would be a better version imaginable and all of us strive to reach this one day, but it is quite perfect the way it is as well. All the little things ... I can't start to count what makes me happy. There is so much.

A negative side is that I instantly start to fear for this happiness to be gone the moment I am able to intensely feel how lucky I am. I cried some nights ago, because I am scared. I don't want Lin to be sick so often and I don't want my mother to be fighting dementia sooner than later and I don't want this peaceful life, we are living right now, to end.

Sward and Lin scolded me for this. But I can't stop thinking easily or at all, as it seems. The happier I am the more scared I get. But I am happy right now, no doubt about it.
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  #353  
Old 07-06-2013, 02:45 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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I feel for you Phy...we went through the baby-struggles a while back too. (We ended up giving up, but I hope your story has a better ending).

I understand about being fearful that your current "happy" could be burst...but the longer the "happy" continues the easier it is to see it continuing (while the greater the loss if it should go)...Cheers! and Good Luck!

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 07-06-2013 at 02:48 AM.
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  #354  
Old 07-06-2013, 03:52 AM
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Thanks, Jane. Whatever the outcome may be, I know that we will be alright. Humans aren't made for perfection anyway, I can't expect a perfect life in every aspect We will see, what we could achieve in the end.
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  #355  
Old 07-08-2013, 03:45 AM
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Ah dear, didn't I ask for it?! The next "unhappy moment" came as called. A minor misunderstanding with my sister and BiL made me seek them out and ask what exactly was wrong and if there is an underlying problem. Yeah, there is. It was totally unrelated to the actual situation but the behaviour of my sister was modified because of her dislike for the way I lead my life. THAT topic, again, ... great *sigh* The rest of the family accepted it, she never even started to be willing to do so, I guess.

I am guessing here, because "there isn't anything to talk about" as far as she is concerned. We will need to talk for sure this week. I don't know if I may just write her a letter and wait for a response or if I am going to visit. But I won't accept disrespectful behaviour from my own sister. If there is nothing to talk about I expect her to not talk about it. And not behind my back in our direct surrounding and family. That's just immature crap.

At least I am not as shaken as I have been when the confrontation with my mother happened. Maybe there is some getting used to being treated like this involved, who knows.
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  #356  
Old 07-22-2013, 12:41 PM
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Didn't talk to my sister and decided to let her be. I won't put myself in any situation where I or she have to pretend to nicely get along while ignoring the elephant in the room. I won't put up with pretence. If she wants to change something about it, she may talk to me.

I totally forgot to mention Lin and my second year anniversary. ^.^ It went great, lots of good food and some 'nerding' and such. And I wrapped my preparations for the upcoming exams. And in September Sward and I will have our 13th anniversary as well. At the end of the month I will undergo surgery (laparoscopy). Hm ... that should have been all the important dates for now. Oh, and all of us have two weeks without any work or other obligations coming up. Sitting at home and enjoying life
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  #357  
Old 08-11-2013, 01:07 PM
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I felt like updating.

I have talked to my sister and things are ... civil. She doesn't like Lin. She thinks he is immature and not "a real man". And certainly not a great partner for me. She told me, that she is unable to see him as a partner of any sorts at all in regard to me. But, she doesn't want space or one of us moving away because of it. I guess that is OK. She doesn't have to like him and I trust her, that she wont make any kind of scene when I introduce him to my relatives in the near future. I don't expect more for now. I am disappointed for sure, but that's life. Seems like the topic was responsible for some friends of her and BIL pulling away from them because they didn't like her way of handling my relationships. I just heard about this yesterday and maybe that was one of the reasons why things were more strained during the last weeks.

On the other hand I have had a great evening yesterday. There was a feast in our town and we went and met my parents there. Over the course of the evening my dad talked with Sward and espacially Lin for some hours, expressing his concern for his health and said that he was really happy for us and that he hopes for us to be well and happy together. While they were talking, I sat down with my mother alongside their friends and when a woman asked where my father was, my mother told her "Talking to his sons in law over there." I just had to smile So heart warming. Seems like I can't have it all. I prefer it like it is right now.

I am a bit afraid of the hormonal treatment that is just about to start. I underwent surgery two weeks ago. During a lapascopy they diagnosed endometriosis and I need hormones to stop it from growing again for about three months. I was told that it will be like experiencing menopause. Guess how happy I am about THAT The positive side of it is the upcoming start of our artificial insemination therapy. Or better my ... Right after they give the go that the endometriosis is under control we will start into the first cycle. Hoping for the best.

And another 'aside': Learning for my finals right now. Two months remaining, another 7 topics to cover. Time is running.
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  #358  
Old 09-07-2013, 02:41 PM
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Hey everyone, I hope you are doing fine

I am currently preparing for my exams in October and am a bit pressed for time but mainly confident that everything will work out just fine. Life at home is as quiet and peaceful as ever. Sward is working too much and Lin has his ups and downs with condition and heart and stuff.

We managed to have a whole TV series weekend - watched Dexter for 17hs straight, slept and kept on watching; Saturday and Sunday Was a great weekend, totally unproductive and lazy but so cozy and comforting to spend that much time with both of them <3

Sward had some unidentifiable problems moodwise some weeks ago, something was wrong without him being able to actually tell me what it was precisely. I finally called him out on his almost bitchy behaviour and put my foot down because I didn't wanted to fall victim to his moodswings any more. Apparently he didn't even recognize what he did to Lin and me and where all the stress came from. After this talk it became better and I arranged for some more hours for just him and me, to 'force' him to talk to me about what is on his mind. He simply forgets about this important part when I leave him alone

Aside from this (already solved) problem, all is well
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  #359  
Old 09-09-2013, 08:43 AM
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I have been reading about the BDSM stuff on here and noticed something: Lin and I have a D/s-thingy going kind of. I can not really name it, I have never looked into this sort of thing, but he clearly behaves submissive in many areas of our daily life and I really like it. I make him do little acts of service for my sake and "pet" him for doing them. Some time ago we talked about little scenarios we could imagine playing out even in the more sexual part of the relationship without giving it a name.

This dynamic never developed with Sward, because every time I am dominant with him, I mostly succeed but he does not like it Lin responds willingly and likes to be in that spot. There have always been traces of this behaviour/dynamic between us but it became stronger with time littel by little. I will keep this in mind and am curious where it will lead us to.
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  #360  
Old 09-24-2013, 05:17 AM
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Nothing much to talk about on here. Just a short update: Sward and I are celebrating our 13th anniversary today.

Life is great
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