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  #81  
Old 05-08-2013, 04:51 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Oh dear......


Double dear with whipped cream and a cherry. Maraschino cherry, to be exact. Because those who assume... You know. Etc.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 05-08-2013 at 04:53 AM.
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  #82  
Old 05-08-2013, 06:15 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by pantrike View Post
We are just looking for the one to complete us . . .
Must be really tough, walking around incomplete.

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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #83  
Old 05-09-2013, 03:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Oh dear......
lol... I love your response..
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  #84  
Old 05-09-2013, 10:09 AM
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You say you're different, but your word choice says otherwise. Please read this: So somebody called you a Unicorn Hunter?
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  #85  
Old 06-13-2013, 04:24 AM
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Default Unicorn Hunters, and Trying Not To Be

Hi, my wife and I are writing this together. We'll try to skip to the chase; we're newbies (super-newbies, really) and unicorn hunters (and trying not to be). I'm sure this is an all-too-common story for most of you, but we're trying very hard to be responsible and understand what we're getting into. That's involved treading through a few websites, reading some articles (this one, which we found on these forums, was one of the first and was really helpful -- so, thanks!), and trying to go through some forum posts. While we'll still be doing that, we're hoping it doesn't seem lazy posing some questions, since we're pretty well aware there's a lot we've got a chance of missing.

To clarify, we're looking to try for a closed, long-term triad (I think, we're still only vaguely literate in poly terminology). I'm a straight guy, she's a bi girl. We're pretty happy in our relationship, this was more something we wanted to mutually explore as opposed to needing to fulfill something missing -- we'd probably both be just as happy if it never happens. We started the initial discussion knowing nothing, hit every trope possible, started reading, discussed not hitting every trope possible, and then managed to get to this point. That said, onwards?

1. What can we do in our position to be polite to the rest of the poly community and not be horribly obnoxious, both in real life and on the forums? We'd both like to avoid being, 'that guy,' 'that girl,' or I guess in this case 'that couple.'

2. What can we do to be polite to others when trying to make our intentions clear? I realize this is really situational, but some nebulous advice would be nice. The reasoning behind this is that we've realized that simply poking around 'likely' areas online (like this one!) isn't the most realistic stance to take, but we'd also like to not make friends or likely acquaintances too uncomfortable if possible.

3. What makes a well established couple comfortable to work into if you're polyamorous? We've already gotten over the 'treat them like a real relationship' stage of ignorance, so no lists of weird rules or behind-the-back whispering between ourselves, but there's probably things that we haven't heard about yet and haven't thought about that would be helpful to know.

4. How rude would it be to ask a potential individual to do as much as possible 'together' as a trio? The aforementioned article we stumbled into on this site it discouraged it, but we were hoping to pose it as something to aim for as opposed to some overbearing, mandatory rule. We're not talking about some weird balance of "love us both equally, damn you," and more along the lines of trying to go on dates or be intimate together as much as possible.

5. Any advice on getting this across to family in a smooth fashion? I'm estranged from mine, but we're not clear on how to explain this to my wife's family. I realize this is again in the field of very general and situational. Her family is very liberal, but they still have pretty traditional views of relationships. We're worried that, if we managed to get into a serious relationship with someone, they'd get treated poorly by my wife's family. They're unlikely to really hold it against us, but we'd like to do it in a way such that they're more likely to accept it, and as an extension any partner we become seriously involved with.

6. Is dating together a really poor idea, or does it just make things harder, or...? My wife and I would like to do it together if possible; we think it would be fun. If it's considered in bad taste or makes it near impossible, however, we'd like to know. If you're of the opinion that it's not advisable, is there any advice on how to work the additional person in later down the line? Again, silly question that's very situation specific, but it seems worth asking. If it's reasonable or can be done if done right, is there anything to make it more platable for the potential individual? We can imagine specifics like trying not to be too much of a 'unit' during the whole affair (at least, I'd find it awkward if I was in their position), but it'd be nice to hear anything relevant since we're still pretty clueless.

7. We think we're prepared for this and we've put some thought into it (and continue to). But we're both vaguely aware that all the planning in the world often doesn't matter. We've been monogamous for all our lives and both of us very heavily so. We're wondering what kinds of issues we may run into once things start progressing (if we're lucky), and if there are any really common scenarios? We're aware jealousy and unfairness are pretty obvious issues to run into as well as a few other things, but there's probably a lot we wouldn't think of.

Anyway, this is probably a lot to read. We hope someone takes the time; if so, thanks! Even moreso if you have the time to respond to any of the above, or shove us in the direction of an article or post you think would be enlightening.
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  #86  
Old 06-13-2013, 05:19 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I know a couple successful triads the key to their success seems to be that one member of the couple dates the individual first. They form a successful relationship then the other member of the couple is SLOWLY brought in and then forms their own seperate relationship with the individual. Dating as a couple works as well as playing the lottery for a retirement plan.

Why do you feel the need to share a person. Why not share the experience of each of you exploring relationship with separate individuals.
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  #87  
Old 06-13-2013, 05:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
I know a couple successful triads the key to their success seems to be that one member of the couple dates the individual first. They form a successful relationship then the other member of the couple is SLOWLY brought in and then forms their own seperate relationship with the individual. Dating as a couple works as well as playing the lottery for a retirement plan.
I assume it just tends to be too demanding a situation or undesirable to other people in other forms? I'm trying to understand the other point of view so I can clue in on the why of it.

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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Why do you feel the need to share a person. Why not share the experience of each of you exploring relationship with separate individuals.
My wife will have to speak for herself (she's likely to open an account to mitigate confusion if she wants to respond -- I'll probably encourage her to!), but this question doesn't make sense to me entirely. I want a relationship where we're all connected, that's what appeals to me. I can see why other people would enjoy V's and other setups, but it doesn't click much for me. It'd probably be like someone asking why you're not monogamous, if that makes sense? Just not what appeals to me on a base level.

That's probably an awful explanation, but it's my best shot at the moment!
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  #88  
Old 06-13-2013, 05:57 AM
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Probably the thing to keep in mind here is that the more specific it is what you're seeking, the longer it's likely to take to find the right person that fits the plan. You have to decide what trade-off is best for you as far as how long you're willing to search, and how specific you want the outcome to be. Many people just fall into a poly situation, not having a plan for structure at all ahead of time.

Re: coming out to your family ... I don't know of any special way of doing that to stave off negative reactions. It's really not up to you to convince people to react positively (or even reasonably), it's up to them. The best you can do is explain the situation to family members using respectful language, and being prepared within reason to answer any questions they may have. Sometimes people just have to freak out about it for awhile, and then very slowly they might get used to it.

Sorry that's the best I can offer in that area.

Otherwise, you should just continue to read and study and post any additional questions. You need to be flexible with whoever you meet, but I think you know that.

Good luck.
Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #89  
Old 06-13-2013, 06:18 AM
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I recommend this
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  #90  
Old 06-13-2013, 06:27 AM
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Probably the thing to keep in mind here is that the more specific it is what you're seeking, the longer it's likely to take to find the right person that fits the plan. You have to decide what trade-off is best for you as far as how long you're willing to search, and how specific you want the outcome to be. Many people just fall into a poly situation, not having a plan for structure at all ahead of time.
Thank you. We've been trying not to get too specific for that reason. We did kind of fall into the problem of initially getting very specific and having odd expectations, though we obviously took some time to think and realized we were being silly. It's more exciting to meet a real person and get to know them, anyway, insofar as I've concluded.

That said, I do realize that aiming for a triad doesn't make it easier! I think my wife does as well. I was reasonably open to her dating without me to make this more fluid, but she doesn't seem to enjoy the idea, nor I the reverse. I think part of our fear is that we do, in the very least, have the relationship structure as one of those sticking points that we're supposed to avoid, and having either of us date individually seems dishonest unless the other person understands our intentions fully.

I imagine it varies by person, but again I don't have any experience. Is it realistic to lay that on the table when you make your intentions clear? I think we both know it's one of those things that's awkward for the other person but it'd be dishonest if we did anything else.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Re: coming out to your family ... I don't know of any special way of doing that to stave off negative reactions. It's really not up to you to convince people to react positively (or even reasonably), it's up to them. The best you can do is explain the situation to family members using respectful language, and being prepared within reason to answer any questions they may have. Sometimes people just have to freak out about it for awhile, and then very slowly they might get used to it.

Sorry that's the best I can offer in that area.
It was a vague question, really, so anything is good. I do realize to a degree that it's in their court to try to get a grasp of it, but I guess there's that desire to try to do whatever you can, even if you shouldn't have to. That said, one of the advantages of my situation. No explanations for anybody.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Otherwise, you should just continue to read and study and post any additional questions. You need to be flexible with whoever you meet, but I think you know that.

Good luck.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Thank you very much! The encouragement is appreciated, as is the post.
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