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Old 06-13-2013, 01:47 AM
DFWPolyGuy DFWPolyGuy is offline
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Default When a partner stays overnight with someone else

Hello everyone, and thanks in advance for the advice!

Backstory:

My wife, J, and I have been together for almost 14 years and have grown together over that time to realize that we are not "vanilla" people. We are "swolly" I guess you could say as we started playing with others occasionally about 5 or 6 years ago. That was always fun and we never really had any jealousy issues or anything.

About 2 years ago J wanted to play with a mutual friend from out of town while he was visiting us. Let's call him "L". L and J have known each other for years and, though he lives over 5 hours away, they always had an attraction to one another that I could sense from the first time I saw them greet each other. So, seeing this particular night as an opportunity to let her do something she has no doubt thought about for years, I gave the green light and the three of us had a wonderful evening together!

Post hook-up, I knew things were different this time. She was gaga for this guy. Texting, talking, flirting...we were in uncharted territory. We NEVER had this kind of interaction with a play partner before. Since he had a girlfriend at the time back home, J and L didn't "really" start a "real" relationship until just a few months ago (when J broke up with his GF), although they have skirted around it since that first night.

Now, they are diving head-first into it. We have been reading a lot and trying to stay communicative etc. All in all, we've been doing pretty well. He comes up to visit us on some weekends and we go visit him. Which brings us to my issue.

Since L lives so far away, and really wants some "alone time" with J, they are pushing for an overnight (maybe 2 nights) in a city between the two of us, which would leave me alone with our 2 kids for the weekend.

Honestly, since we are so new to this, I'm having some issues. I have had to quickly come to terms with their frequent texting and talking on the phone, which is TOTALLY understandable, but still a shock when you've had a monopoly on your spouse's time for so long. And now, a month or so into this, they want to run off for the weekend.

I know I need to let go and treat them both with love and openness. They are VERY sensitive to my feelings and would absolutely not do this if I asked them not to...but I can't do that. They are totally nuts for each other right now and I can't bear the thought of harming their new-found love with my insecurities.

What I'm asking for here is coping mechanisms.

How did you handle your spouse's first weekend away? I'm worried that I will feel alone and abandoned. I'm jealous of their NRE and wish I had that in my life too. I imagine them throwing themselves at each other as soon as they arrive at the hotel and it makes a pit in my stomach. My logical brain says this is all natural and doesn't detract from her love and passion for me, but my emotions are running pretty high right now.

Help?
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Old 06-13-2013, 01:54 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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If you drink alcohol, I recommend a box of Franzia Chianti. It's inexpensive, gets the job done, and should last you until they get back from their trip... it would probably last ME all weekend, but I also keep a bottle of something 80-proof around just in case a bunch of teenagers show up thirsty, so I'd drink that in a pinch if I ran out of the wine.

If getting drunk doesn't work, I don't know, try yoga or something instead.
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Old 06-13-2013, 02:10 AM
DFWPolyGuy DFWPolyGuy is offline
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Well, I guess alcohol is always an option...

I should also perhaps add that I enjoy the "V" where we all do things together, like a sexy three musketeers. I get the feeling, though, that they want kind of like two I's, where J and L have their relationship and J and I have ours. In other words, most of their time together will be without me. Which would be easier for me to handle (I think), if I had a sweetie other than J, but she is not ready for that. She understands that she is being unfair, and is willing to "work on it", but for now I'm not going to be dating anyone without her being involved too.

Last edited by DFWPolyGuy; 06-13-2013 at 02:21 AM. Reason: Added some additional info
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Old 06-13-2013, 02:24 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DFWPolyGuy View Post
My logical brain says this is all natural and doesn't detract from her love and passion for me, but my emotions are running pretty high right now.
Wow. Compared to folks new to this kind of situation, you are WAY ahead of the game. You've identified that you are having an emotional response which is conflicting with what you know to be true about reality.

Jealousy isn't something to be afraid or embarrassed about, it's just your system alerting you about something. As it happens, it's alerting you about something you are already informed on so it's a little irrelevant. Still, your mind and hormones are just trying to look out for you.

Dealing with it? Man, that's easier said than done. Have you taken a loot at this thread yet?

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1877
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Old 06-13-2013, 03:04 AM
Ssandra Ssandra is offline
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I deal with it by doing things I like during the weekend. Enjoy the time for some father - children bonding during the day. Im not sure how old they are, but can you take them somewhere child friendly for a nice weekend away? Or just do fun stuff in your own town with them?

In the evening, (if you stay at home) call a friend or a few friends and do stuff that you normally don't. Organize a poker evening, watch "guy" movies, etc.

Make it as fun as possible.

It might be difficult. It was very difficult for me the first few times that my husband left for sleep-overs. After being used to falling asleep next to him for 9 years and suddenly not, where he is missing me a lot less than I him (cause he's happy being with his GF, so although he misses me, it is not the same), it wasn't easy.

Now, after just a few months, it is lovely to have the evening to myself. To be able to do exactly what I want. Watch what I want, or have the tv off, not "needing" to watch soccer or ice hockey etc.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is; it will get better. Have as much fun as you can.

About the texting and calling; it is completely reasonable to ask them to not text at certain moments, like when you are having private time with your wife.
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Old 06-13-2013, 03:15 AM
Chimera Chimera is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DFWPolyGuy View Post
Well, I guess alcohol is always an option...

I should also perhaps add that I enjoy the "V" where we all do things together, like a sexy three musketeers. I get the feeling, though, that they want kind of like two I's, where J and L have their relationship and J and I have ours. In other words, most of their time together will be without me. Which would be easier for me to handle (I think), if I had a sweetie other than J, but she is not ready for that. She understands that she is being unfair, and is willing to "work on it", but for now I'm not going to be dating anyone without her being involved too.
DFWPolyGuy, sounds like you're doing really well managing this so far. One thing we've both done on overnights is to send a good night text at some point -- early, late, whenever. Just a small gesture to say, I love you and you're still in my thoughts. I'd suggest making a plan with a friend or group of friends to do something fun. It helps.

I do want to say though that this last bit is a huge red flag to me! If you don't want to date, that's one thing, but you do. This is hypocritical behavior and can lead to serious conflicts in the future. It's' one thing to me if she says, I'm not ready, but I know I need to deal with my jealousy, so how about give me a week (or whatever). The "willing to work on it" without something concrete is a bad sign imb.
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Old 06-13-2013, 04:05 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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How about thinking out/talking out what you might in terms of "before care" and "after care" with your partner?

To connect and reassure before she goes and after she gets back?

Could some page 5 & 6 things help with the envy?

It's also the emotional management to dealing with stages of grief (Because getting used to the "new normal" will take time) and with poly hell type things so they are acknowledged and processed and not shoved under the rug.

I dunno if reading those could help you. You sound like you are trying to get a handle on it pretty well all things considered.

Hang in there.

Galagirl
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  #8  
Old 06-13-2013, 04:20 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DFWPolyGuy View Post
Well, I guess alcohol is always an option...
I highly advise against alcohol, though I do suspect BG was mostly joking. It will amplify your emotions, not calm them down.

Stay busy is the best solution, preferably something very active so you'll be tired at the end of the day.

It can't be easy. I pointed my wife over here as we'll be testing the waters so to speak in a few weeks and then doing a weekend later this year.
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Old 06-13-2013, 04:40 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by evad View Post
I highly advise against alcohol, though I do suspect BG was mostly joking. It will amplify your emotions, not calm them down.
If you drink enough, it will make you unconscious. I'd say that's about as "calm" as it gets... Of course I wasn't suggesting the OP START drinking. That was meant in case the OP is ALREADY a lush.
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Old 06-13-2013, 04:44 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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The funny thing is, I don't even remember my first overnight (mine or his - my husband's).
Maybe because the first overnights took place when we were more in a kind of swingers mode. One of us stayed out all night, but it wasn't really all that important.

Anyway, we had numerous overnights since, that were important.

Alcohol helps me, if i manage to drink just enough to relax and not enough to make me paranoid. That becomes harder to manage though once you're drinking, so when in doubt, don't drink.

Make REALLY good agreements with your spouse. Agreements that are realistic as well as practical as well as helping you.

for instance, saying "text me before you go to sleep" is neither. Who knows what time she'll be going to sleep.
But, "text me at midnight" might work. Or "text me at breakfast, time.... on day 2, just to check in".

Although for me, it was always better to not be in touch during the date and the subsequent night. And to reconnect when he got home.

Also be prepared that the reconnecting can be a little weird. Make sure you have some time for just the 2 of you, when she gets home.
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