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  #1751  
Old 06-10-2013, 03:10 PM
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Haven't you already "explored monogamy"? Or is that some new, uncharted territory no one has ever navigated before?

#justwondering #captainobvious #asksthequestionsoneveryoneelsesminds
I haven't been monogamous in almost 20 years. I was in my 20's when last I was mongamous. It feels uncharted to me.
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Last edited by redpepper; 06-10-2013 at 03:13 PM.
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  #1752  
Old 06-10-2013, 04:25 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Romantic Love - Yeah, it comes and goes, especially when things seem to be changing a lot.

LB is 10 - Our babies don't need quite so much of our attention anymore. They are much more independent and it can be exciting and depressing at the same time (my oldest will be 18 in 2 weeks and off to the Army in August). They still need us, but they don't want us hovering (or they don't want it to look like they need us). Learning how to shift gears to the more independent child can be difficult and disconcerting.

Age - we are the same age and at some point after 40 I started to wonder where I fit, I still feel like that sometimes. I watched a video on drowning recently and I realized, that's what I've felt like for a while. It may or may not be directly related to our kids getting older or maybe that just adds another complication.

It doesn't help when our loves seem to develop all these outside interests that take so much of their time/attention all about the same time.

You have spent years focusing on poly, relationships, etc. maybe it's time to just do stuff that's fun without any relationship expectations. Get back to your Art, take a class, teach a class, etc.
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  #1753  
Old 06-10-2013, 05:59 PM
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I don't have a lot of suggestions, just one caution.
Be careful about labeling something as "the end" or "final".

Too often we (as people) assume something is "the end" when in fact it is just "a long pause".

As an odd twisted example-

My grandfather married young. They had two children, a boy and a girl. The girl died of an illness. The grief tore them both apart and they weren't prepared to deal with it. They divorced. She remarried and her husband adopted the little boy.
My grandfather remarried. He had my dad and my uncle with his second wife. They were married 25 years and then divorced.
My grandfather remarried the grandmother I knew him with. They were married 25 years and then she died.

Six months after the death of his 3rd wife, 50+ years after his first divorce, he remarried his first wife, reconnected with his first son (and grandchildren). They were blissfully happy together until death.

EVERYONE thought their divorce was "the end" and yet-50+ years later it came back around and low and behold, they were madly in love and happy together.
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  #1754  
Old 06-10-2013, 08:48 PM
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http://www.birdclan.org/crow.html

Crows are with me everywhere right now.

A relationship with me even in the presence of others. I intend to do that and am. I have a tree I go to to pour the content of my aching chest into and a beautiful rose garden to bring back some love in my heart. I'm very fortunate.

I have been given and appointment in July with a mental health team so I went and got some St. John's wort tincture. It helped last time I was down in my early 20's maybe it will help again. Rescue Remedy is helping also.

I am conscious not to use finalizing words. Nothing is ever final. Just changing.
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Last edited by redpepper; 06-10-2013 at 08:57 PM.
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  #1755  
Old 06-11-2013, 04:38 AM
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It seems that either nothing is going on or no one wants to tell me or everyone is scared shitless of my reaction or its not that big of a deal or people want their privacy. I can't figure on which. I'm enjoying a quiet calm.... that usually means a storm is brewing and I will be faced with hard emotions once again. How about some fantastic floaty love one's in there. I'm putting it out there. Just a thought.

Or maybe I'm paranoid and this is just my quiet life now?
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  #1756  
Old 06-12-2013, 03:35 PM
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RP, I'm in no position whatsoever to judge your choices, but I did want to say, if I were Mono I'd be deeply wounded that you're willing to consider exploring monogamy now, with someone you just met on OKC no less, when it was never an option with him. Why not consider being mono with him, as he's still your lover and life partner, if you're going to consider it with anybody? It would be oddly poetic if you guys flipped the script and did the mono/poly thing in reversed roles. Maybe it would revive your bond with him. Then again, maybe it's too painful to even think about trying to do that.
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Last edited by AnnabelMore; 06-12-2013 at 03:41 PM.
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  #1757  
Old 06-13-2013, 05:20 AM
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
RP, I'm in no position whatsoever to judge your choices, but I did want to say, if I were Mono I'd be deeply wounded that you're willing to consider exploring monogamy now, with someone you just met on OKC no less, when it was never an option with him. Why not consider being mono with him, as he's still your lover and life partner, if you're going to consider it with anybody? It would be oddly poetic if you guys flipped the script and did the mono/poly thing in reversed roles. Maybe it would revive your bond with him. Then again, maybe it's too painful to even think about trying to do that.
I have suggested we try monogamy. I felt that I freed up my life to be available to try monogamy. I want to try that and see if some healing can occur around his having tried out an open relationship without my knowledge or blessing. We haven't had a chance to heal and re-gain a connection from that after all.

I thought I had fucked up a chance at being monogamous but the truth is he liked that I am married. He didnt have to commit and could be rest assured that I was taken care of by PN in terms of all the things marriage covers. He never wanted to replace the marriage he lost with another marriage type relationship. He prefers I am occupied.

He's not deeply wounded. He says it was never an option.
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Last edited by redpepper; 06-13-2013 at 05:23 AM.
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  #1758  
Old 06-13-2013, 01:33 PM
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Heh, and this is what I meant by saying I was in no position to judge your choices, so many layers here. I felt a bit silly posting in the first place, knowing I'd likely be off the mark on done way... anyway, wishing you all the best.
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  #1759  
Old 06-13-2013, 08:20 PM
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Actually, Mono was in a relationship with PN and I. Not really monogamous with me at all by my account. It could be seen that way anyway. I came as a package deal for him. That package is no longer as I move into just being me and doing my thing. It's threatening for him apparently. Huge feelings going on about what his role is now in my life. He feels his responsibility is bigger. To me nothing has changed there.

Life is quiet and full of moments of intense discussion and emotion.... I await doors opening and change to occur with a sense of wonder and patient contentment right now. I'm not clinging to once was as much. Those in my life tell me they have noticed the difference. I remain as in contact and available as I can be to people but I suspect it's just weird for others. I don't know maybe I just feel weird.

Home life is good. I enjoy my routines. I've included new ones just for me and enjoy those too. Its just my sense of inwardness and pulling away to look after me going on really right now... that and repeating the same things over and over again until something solidifies or I come out of my confusion about what happems next. I'm sure I will post once I figure it out.
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Last edited by redpepper; 06-13-2013 at 08:28 PM.
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  #1760  
Old 06-13-2013, 09:02 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Actually, Mono was in a relationship with PN and I. Not really monogamous with me at all by my account. It could be seen that way anyway. I came as a package deal for him. That package is no longer as I move into just being me and doing my thing. It's threatening for him apparently. Huge feelings going on about what his role is now in my life. He feels his responsibility is bigger. To me nothing has changed there.
Mono wrote way back in the beginning that he needed you and your husband to be having er, i forget the exact words he used but "healthy and active sex life" would not be too far off base, in order for him (Mono) to be able to function in that relationship with you.

So there was that, and also the thing about how he could deal with you having girlfriends but not so much having other boyfriends.

I remember that.
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