Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 06-12-2013, 02:06 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,512
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Her vagina is a trophy now because she doesn't offer it up? I hope the OP has enough sense to ignore this sex-negative garbage.
Well, actually, Marcus, the "sex negativity" in this thread more comes from the OP than from london. In my opinion.

While the OP seems very nice and sweet, she is naive by her own admission, living in a fairy tale world where her soul mate prince will come on his steed and they will kiss and pet lightly and someday, maybe, put their genitalia together, perhaps after her father sends him on a dragon slaying quest to earn her love and prove his worth. It's all very sanitized.

Reminds me of the "Promise Ring" culture of chastity actually, where teens promise their parents they will not have sex until marriage. That has been satirized enough in popular culture so I will leave it alone.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 06-12-2013, 02:07 PM
london london is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default

It's not a monogamous problem at all. Polyamory involves having multiple loves, right? Multiple romantic relationships? I mean nobody in a healthy monogamous relationship had a limit on how many non romantic relationships they can have. Well for me, and a sizeable amount of the population, regardless of their relationship orientation, need sex for a relationship to fall under the romantic category, to include the possibility of love. I know some people don't, and I know that some people who would feel that way if they had to have monogamous relationships for whatever reason. Ie, as you said polyamory offers the opportunity for you to get your needs met from more than one source. But, they have the ability to feel romantically for someone they do not have sex with. I don't. Many people don't. So a relationship without sex would only ever be a friendship.

Tl;dr - that suggests to me that you can love people you're not fucking, I can't, so they'd only ever be a friend.
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 06-12-2013, 02:07 PM
ChaiLatteWriter's Avatar
ChaiLatteWriter ChaiLatteWriter is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Upstate, New York
Posts: 8
Default

There are so many opinions here, wow.

I was going for opinions about virginity in general, and I'm gonna ask you guys to please refrain from stating what you think I meant as the OP.

Sex is not a prize or trophy to be won. It's an intimate act that displays closeness. I'm not going to kiss somebody until I decide I enjoy their company in a romantic context, so why would I have sex with someone until I decided I enjoyed their romantic company enough that I wanted to do that?

I am always upfront about it. I tell people when I start dating them that I'm a virgin and as of yet not ready to have sex. If they deem it important to them and want to date someone they can have sex with right away, they can leave. It's their choice, not mine.

And my decision isn't all about romance, it's partly safety. Birth control and condoms don't work 100%, and I would love to avoid STIs and unwanted pregnancy. I want to be sure I can trust someone enough to always use safe sex practices when I decide I'm ready for it.

I'm not asking anyone for anything. Sex is important to me. Intimacy is important to me. I don't think it's a high standard at all to ask someone to wait until I trust them before I think about having sex with them, especially considering I've never had it. Even if I wasn't a virgin, I would probably wait a while until I started having sex in a relationship.

And where did this 2-3 year figure come from? I never said that specifically. I could wait a couple years or a couple months before thinking about sex with someone, it all depends on the people in the relationship. I had a boyfriend of two years I never had sex with, but I've been with my girlfriend five months and I trust her more than I ever trusted my ex boyfriend. It's all depends.

I survived my whole early teenage years with a lot of sexual desire, but I never suffered from not having sex. My relationships were incredibly fulfilling. Sex wasn't the reason for my two major break ups. If sex matters so much to someone that they don't want to date me, that's on them, not me. Yes, it's pleasurable. Yes, it's a heck of a lot more pleasurable with other people. That doesn't mean I need it to have amazing romantic relationships filled with love, dedication, and physical closeness.

By the by, I was curious about polyamorous views on this because I'm coming at it from a monogamous standpoint. I'm polycurious right now, but I was raised to think of monogamy when determining who to have sex with and why.
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 06-12-2013, 02:13 PM
ChaiLatteWriter's Avatar
ChaiLatteWriter ChaiLatteWriter is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Upstate, New York
Posts: 8
Default

Double response, I'm not waiting for a White Knight on his Mighty Steed.

I just want someone I feel close to and trust. I am very sure the first person I have sex with will probably not be the last. I used to be waiting for marriage and I dumped that ideal because I realized it was silly to me. Do I have to justify waiting for someone I love enough to want sex with?
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 06-12-2013, 02:29 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,287
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
But, they have the ability to feel romantically for someone they do not have sex with. I don't. Many people don't. So a relationship without sex would only ever be a friendship.
I was not making an argument about what you need to be in a romantic relationship. You've made your list of requirements known. I'm sure that "many people" would not consider any relationship which did not involve penis-in-vagina penetration. You and "many people" are entitled to live your lives how you would like.

I was making an argument that the OP is not doing anything unreasonably selfish by deciding what she does with her body any more than you and "many people" are.

Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Tl;dr - that suggests to me that you can love people you're not fucking, I can't, so they'd only ever be a friend.
For you and "many people", but this in no way supports your assertion that the OP is being unreasonably selfish or that she is treating her vagina as some kind of trophy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mag
Well, actually, Marcus, the "sex negativity" in this thread more comes from the OP than from london. In my opinion.
So wait, deciding not to have sex for a period of time into a relationship is sex negative? That is, a period of time which would appear to be too long for "many people" as outside viewers.

I didn't realize it meant you HAD to have sex with people in the allotted time period. Just so I'm clear, because I'm sex-positive, how long to I need to wait before I start calling my new girlfriend unreasonably selfish and shame her into having sex with me if she doesn't offer it up? Should I tell her she's being childish and using her vagina as a trophy on our first date? I just want to make sure I'm doing it according to the rules.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 06-12-2013, 02:31 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Haltom City, TX
Posts: 1,287
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChaiLatteWriter View Post
Do I have to justify waiting for someone I love enough to want sex with?
Nope.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 06-12-2013, 02:35 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,512
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChaiLatteWriter View Post
Now that I'm older, I know marriage isn't required for sex to be special and full of meaning, but I still want to wait until I've been with someone several years and trust them completely before I think about engaging in sex with anyone.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChaiLatteWriter View Post
And where did this 2-3 year figure come from? I never said that specifically. I could wait a couple years or a couple months before thinking about sex with someone
Several years means 3-5 years to most people.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 06-12-2013, 02:39 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,229
Default

It's always fascinating to me how OPs here often end up acting as Rorschach tests for those who respond. That's true of me as much as anyone else of course. Anyway, my point being, dont take any of it too much to heart, OP, or feel like you need to defend or justify yourself.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 06-12-2013, 02:42 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,512
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
I didn't realize it meant you HAD to have sex with people in the allotted time period. Just so I'm clear, because I'm sex-positive, how long to I need to wait before I start calling my new girlfriend unreasonably selfish and shame her into having sex with me if she doesn't offer it up? Should I tell her she's being childish and using her vagina as a trophy on our first date? I just want to make sure I'm doing it according to the rules.
I don't respond to sarcasm.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 06-12-2013, 02:53 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 761
Default

Am I nuts for wading into the minefield?

I need to trust someone before being intimate with them as well (although it's not as cut-and-dry as genital contact) - it's more of a vulnerability thing for me. If a potential partner (and this is mostly speculative, since I've had TWO partners over my entire life) were to need sexual intimacy before I was ready to give it, and it became an issue, okay then - our priorities are different, and let's move our separate ways. It's only selfish if I try to make them hang around, or string them along for my sake.

I would say, though, that if I had a partner who still didn't trust me enough to be intimate with me after a year or so (or even a few months), I would want to know what the issue was - is it a trust issue that can be fixed, is it a hurdle the other person can't get over, am I just not trustworthy enough, period, is it fear in general of making that next step, or what? I wouldn't want to be left in limbo.

I had a friend who was nine months into a relationship, and the girl wouldn't even kiss him. He wondered what the hell was wrong with him, and it was a real hit to his self-esteem. It took some cajoling from me and other friends to say that yeah, this isn't normal and you guys need to TALK.

I don't think you need to justify yourself, but if you end up months into a relationship, it should definitely rate some discussion.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
asexuality, dating, polyamory, sex, trust, virgin, virginity

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:42 PM.