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  #81  
Old 06-01-2013, 05:56 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default My Sexual Ethics

These are the broad outlines of how I conduct and experience sexuality and sexual relationships.

(*) Consent is key. All things flow from consent. For me, this means I am responsible to be in a state where I can joyfully, clearly and excitedly extend and receive consent.

(*) I will be fully present during sex. I won't be thinking about something else, I won't be planning the rest of my day. I will be there with you - all of me, mind, body and spirit. And this is true too for casual sex. I don't get why people have consensual sex and are not fully there. It happens too often in our society and I find it deeply disturbing. IIf one is not fully present, then I question if consent was every fully given or received. If you are incapable of giving or receiving consent - for whatever reason - don't have sex.

(*) Pleasure is the reason for sex. The reason for sex for me is always pleasure - my own and giving others pleasure. I love both - it's one of the reasons I switch. I cannot only receive or only give pleasure. Many people link love and sex - cannot have sex without love - and that's cool. But I do not. I can show and experience love through sex but I also show and feel love back in many other ways. I would not want to be in a romantic relationship without sex. But love is so much more than sex that I cannot link them exclusively together.

(*) I did not grow up pagan but Christian like so many other people. However, my sexual ethics have always been pagan and I just did not know this. The common pagan phrase '... all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals' (Starhawk's adaptation of Doreen Valiente's original [http://www.reclaiming.org/about/witchfaq/charge.htm…]) is something I take very seriously. Sex is not automatically worship for me. But it can be life-affirming, healing, and energizing. It can also 'just' be for pleasure's sake. (I hate the devaluing of pleasure that Christian ethics seem to take as bedrock.) The goddess and god approve of both. Sex is life-affirming when done with consent and full presence.

(*) I ask for what I want. Sometimes I don't get it. (Then there is pouting. jk!) But sometimes I do. Sometimes it scares me to ask for what I want. It is sometimes hard to listen to what others want.

(*) Saying no is a gift. Hearing no is a gift. It is hard to say no sometimes to what others want. I like making my partners happy. But I cannot be all to everyone. I just don't like some things. More importantly, I don't want lukewarm consent - I want loud 'hell yes!', 'Do that now!'. I want enthusiastic 'YES!'. If I can't trust your 'No', we can't get to 'HELL YEAH!'.

(*) 'I don't fuck fragile.' I wrote this on another forum recently. What do I mean by this? I won't have sex with someone even if they are obviously consenting if I feel like having sex with them may harm them, for me or both in the near or long term. The obvious example is someone who is drunk and wants sex but is on that borderline of being able to truly consent. I won't fuck them. Another is untreated mental illness. I was with someone with severe bipolar disorder for over a decade. However, she worked her ass off to manage it. Mental illness alone is not a disqualifer for me. Not dealing with one's mental health issues is. (And by deal with, I include medications but recognize that other ways to treat mental illness may work.)

I can't foresee every situation but a little thought goes a long way. For example, decades ago, a friend and I met for movie night. It became really obvious over the evening that she wanted me to initiate sex. I knew it probably would have been her first time ever, with anyone. I knew it was unlikely to stay at just friendly sex. She was not someone who experimented lightly. It was all kinds of potential landmines everywhere. I could not see how having sex with her at that moment did not hurt her in some way. So I didn't. I ended up walking home alone really late at night, horny as hell and really frustrated at my *%$#^ morals. (We are still friends. I've never regretted my decision.)

(*) Managing fear. I fail at this often. Fear is useful. It will tell us when someone is dangerous before our conscious selves can. I listen to my fear. I respect my fear. Where I sometimes fail is not letting my fear control my actions. Fear is an input, not the decision maker. When I have let my fear - as opposed to feeling the fear, understanding it, and consciously deciding, I have usually regretted it. So I continue to work on using my fear as the tool it is and not allow it to control my actions.
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  #82  
Old 06-06-2013, 02:20 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Whip told me he loved me last night.

OMG OMG OMG OMG
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  #83  
Old 06-06-2013, 02:25 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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WOO-HOOO!!!!
OMG yes!
How cool is that?!!!
Happy Happy Joy Joy!

__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #84  
Old 06-06-2013, 05:33 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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*smiles at NYCindie!*

It is exciting and moving and complicated and hard.

He seemed a little down that I did not reciprocate. I just can't say those words back to him just yet. I am moving in that direction though.

I am so honored that he took the risk to tell me. I am just amazed and astounded.

And all glowy.
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  #85  
Old 06-08-2013, 07:08 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I had forgotten how terrifying and amazing falling in love is.

I said I love you to Whip yesterday. I am scared and still have concerns over the long term. But it is not something I want to deny to him or myself.
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  #86  
Old 06-09-2013, 01:28 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I'm sure Whip is all glowy now!

__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #87  
Old 06-09-2013, 04:53 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Well, in a manly way I suppose he is!

Been an astounding week.
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  #88  
Old 06-10-2013, 07:41 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default Love

Wednesday, after some ah-mazing sex, we're doing the afterglow thing, Whip and I. He rolls over, looks at me, pauses, and says "I love you'.

WHAT! HOLY CRAP! WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! OMG OMG.

I have no idea what I replied. Probably something inane like 'thank you'.

I did not tell him I loved him then. I was so startled and was not expecting that. Not at all. I think he was bummed I did not reciprocate but I was just totally unready and had no idea what to think or say or feel.

Looking back, I knew he loved me. He's very, very touchy and how he holds me is so loving. I'm used to more wordy people but now I understand how one can feel love through touch.

I thought hard about if I wanted to tell him I loved him too. I had feelings, sure, but were they love? Did I want to say that now? Was I sure? Would it be true to say I loved him? Mind was just going all squirrel...

Friday, I tell him I love him. This is not planned or carefully rehearsed on my part. It just happens. It feels right and true and what I need to do. I don't regret it.

I am trying something new for me. I am not going to overthink where this is going, or assume it has to go anywhere. I've never done that before consciously. I do have concerns about us long term - he wants children and I do not, differences in career stages - but for now, it is good and it works. I am happy. I seem to make him happy. That's more than enough.

My friends when I tell them are all so not surprised. They've been treating us as serious for some time now. Apparently I am just now catching up to what everyone has already figured out some time ago. This often happens to me.

They ask me what does this mean for us, for me? What does this change?

After some thought, this is what I replied to a friend in a chat:

'I let him in now. He's going to see all of me, including the not fun, difficult parts. I believe he wants to see me as I am. I'm in. I was holding back - not any more.'

I did not think I would fall in love again. I had such a hard time imagining that possiblity. It seemed so unlikely after the end of my marriage. Like I had one shot and I blew it, and that was it.

But I am in love, with someone so unlikely and unexpected. Maybe this isn't forever but I no longer expect that. Now and a little bit down the road, and then we'll see, is enough for me.
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  #89  
Old 06-11-2013, 02:07 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Default End of the road - for this blog

I feel this blog has served its purpose. I am not completely over the end of my marriage but I feel myself moving on to another part of my life. I may post Beaker related things here occasionally but I am declaring this blog done.

I will start another blog - not sure what I will call it yet.
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  #90  
Old 06-11-2013, 05:12 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I'm really happy for you, Opal. I felt the same way after 30 years with the ex, and then finding and falling for miss pixi! Second chance! And now I've even got my Ginger.

hugs of empathy and joy...
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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