Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 06-11-2013, 09:57 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

I am paying attention. All i did was point out that the OP did NOT say they were asexual. Before that all i did was speculate about the 3year plan
for Having Sex. It is NOT about YOU. It is NOT about denying that "aces" exist. Go start a thread about that, or i think there might be one already. Sheesh.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 06-11-2013, 10:18 AM
InsaneMystic InsaneMystic is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 145
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I am paying attention. All i did was point out that the OP did NOT say they were asexual.
Tone makes the music, doesn't it. Especially when I hadn't said that they were, either.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Before that all i did was speculate about the 3year plan for Having Sex.
To which I actually agreed, so I don't see why you felt the necessity to reply to me at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
It is NOT about YOU. It is NOT about denying that "aces" exist. Go start a thread about that, or i think there might be one already. Sheesh.
Sigh. Whatevs. Like it or not, there's a definite chance the OP could be asexual without having realized it (maybe even without having come across the information yet that asexuality exists, especially if they're just in their late teens), nothing suggests otherwise, and it's not helping anyone that you get in a huff about that possibility getting brought up.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 06-11-2013, 02:32 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: United States
Posts: 49
Default

This is a great post. I had a poly relationship for 7 years and just because it didn't include sex, it gets "demoted" to "just good friends" repeatedly. I try to explain to people that it is/was SO much more than that but because I never had sex with him, it gets treated as much less than what it was.

Thank you for your post, I was starting to question it myself.
__________________
LadySFI- me; Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".

C-Boyfriend - Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".

Courage isn't the absence of fear, but the judgement that something else is more important than fear. -Ambrose Redmoon
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 06-11-2013, 02:36 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,691
Default

"Plenty of asexuals masturbate-- a lot"???

Well, shut my mouth! They are horny for themselves but not for others? How very peculiar!

My mind is kind of blown.

If you're having sex with yourself, imo, you're not A-sexual, you're-- hmmm... self-sexual. And sexually misanthropic. I wonder what the fantasies are when an "a"sexual masturbates.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 06-11-2013, 02:38 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,691
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LadySFI View Post
This is a great post. I had a poly relationship for 7 years and just because it didn't include sex, it gets "demoted" to "just good friends" repeatedly. I try to explain to people that it is/was SO much more than that but because I never had sex with him, it gets treated as much less than what it was.

Thank you for your post, I was starting to question it myself.
But did you WANT to have sex with him? I've read of others here with non-sexual bfs or gf. Redpepper and Baggage Control come to mind. Circumstances prevent the sex. Not desire.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 06-11-2013, 02:41 PM
YouAreHere's Avatar
YouAreHere YouAreHere is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: SoNH
Posts: 874
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I wonder what the fantasies are when an "a"sexual masturbates.
I'm not asexual, and this is probably bordering on TMI, but I rarely fantasize when masturbating. It's all about the sensation for me. Fantasizing distracts me from the sensual. Detach the brain and go...
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 06-11-2013, 02:45 PM
ChaiLatteWriter's Avatar
ChaiLatteWriter ChaiLatteWriter is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Upstate, New York
Posts: 8
Default

Woah, a whole debate went on after I went to bed. Can I clear a few things?

I don't consider myself asexual. I label myself as bisexual and biromantic, though even that isn't set in stone since I haven't met anyone outside the gender binary to determine whether I could be attracted to those individuals. I have a flexible attitude about my sexuality.

It's not that I don't want sex-- trust me, I do. I was very sexually attracted to my past boyfriends and am sexually attracted to my current girlfriend. My point was that I was taught to wait for someone special for such an intimate act.

As for my being okay with things like petting and not actual sex acts, that's my choice because I put sex on a different level than close touching. I can't really explain why-- it's just the view I evolved based on what I was taught when I was raised.

In addition, I didn't say I have a soul mate ideal. That's what I thought when I was little and enjoyed fairy tales a great deal (I still like fairy tales but that's beside the point). I'm young and naive, but I know enough that soul mates are a concept invented by romantics and that there isn't one perfect person for every other person. A lot of romantic situations wouldn't exist if that were the case.

I do, however, believe in loving certain people very strongly and not wanting to share parts of yourself unless you trust that person/those people well enough. I'm a virgin by choice that allows certain types of touching because the pleasure I get from masturbation is the kind of pleasure I want to share only with a certain person or people. It doesn't always make sense, I'm aware, but sex shouldn't be required to share a wonderful romantic connection.

I've given myself plenty of pleasure in the past few years by myself-- I have no strong desire to share that pleasure with a partner unless I love them a great deal, but that also doesn't mean I don't enjoy the idea of sex with another person.

That's enough ranting from me.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 06-11-2013, 06:53 PM
InsaneMystic InsaneMystic is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 145
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Well, shut my mouth! They are horny for themselves but not for others? How very peculiar!

My mind is kind of blown.
*shrugs* Libido is just a bodily function. Masturbating isn't too different from going to the toilet... and in both cases, I'd rather not involve another person in removing the bodily waste. It's annoying enough that I have to deal with that chore on a regular basis myself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
sexually misanthropic
Lol, I gotta say, that's one I haven't heard before... You do realize that by that logic, not only are gay men sexually misogynistic, but there's suddenly validation again for that dusty old idea that a heterosexual woman can't really be a feminist?


Quote:
Originally Posted by ChaiLatteWriter View Post
Woah, a whole debate went on after I went to bed. Can I clear a few things? [etc.] That's enough ranting from me.
Nah, that was less of a rant, more of actual information about your sitch and your motivations, in a more precise way than you had given before. It really did clear up a lot... so, thanks for that.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 06-11-2013, 07:51 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,691
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by InsaneMystic View Post
[FONT="Georgia"][COLOR="Purple"]
*shrugs* Libido is just a bodily function. Masturbating isn't too different from going to the toilet... and in both cases, I'd rather not involve another person in removing the bodily waste. It's annoying enough that I have to deal with that chore on a regular basis myself.
Ah, I see. You're of the camp that masturbation isn't really sex, and an orgasm is just like a sneeze. I started a poll on that here once.


Quote:
Lol, I gotta say, that's one I haven't heard before... You do realize that by that logic, not only are gay men sexually misogynistic...
Sure, that would follow.

Quote:
but there's suddenly validation again for that dusty old idea that a heterosexual woman can't really be a feminist?
But I don't get that one.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 06-11-2013, 08:05 PM
Josie Josie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 70
Default

I think that if someone says that they don't want to have sex, for any reason, that should be respected. In the mentioned scenarios where there is above waist fondling between the OP and another, the other would have been informed that the OP wasn't going to have sex with them. Therefore if they're going to get all iffy about being sexually frustrated after the fondling, they could have just not started in the first place.

In a mono relationship, this would perhaps be more difficult because the pleasure and intimacy involved in sex could not be gained by any other method, in this case it COULD. The other could be with the OP and someone else. They could have a sexual intimacy with another person and romantic intimacy with the OP until she felt that she was ready.

All the OP is saying is that she doesn't want to have sex (by her own personal definition) before she is ready. For her to be ready, she wants to love and trust the individual. I don't see what's wrong with that. It's her body and her choice. I do agree with other posters that that may not take 2-3years, it could be a much shorter amount of time, but the feel I get from the OP is that love and trust are necessary for her to open other people to a part of herself that she finds very personal. She's not being a tease, she's stating her needs and is sticking to them.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
asexuality, dating, polyamory, sex, trust, virgin, virginity

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:52 PM.