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  #11  
Old 06-10-2013, 03:46 PM
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ChaiLatteWriter ChaiLatteWriter is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Hmm, OK, you're in your late teens? You have a very low libido? You don't get horny, you don't masturbate?

Or, you have a libido, you do get horny, you do masturbate? But there's something going on with you around "Trust" with a capital T, to a very large (several years duration) degree before you'd want to "have sex" with a romantic interest?

Look at your unusual need for trust. What does that entail? Have you had others break your trust as a child/young person to the degree that you're unusually untrustful and even closed off emotionally now? Or, otoh, maybe you've been sexually molested and do not associate healthy sexuality with love...

And another question, how do you define sex? Penis in vagina only? Would you make out, touch a partner's genitals, give them oral, or allow them to digitally or orally pleasure your genitals in those "several years of dating" before you allow "sex?" Or no, nothing arousing at all? Even if they are aroused, you'd put up a barrier and not give then any release, ever? Or do you plan on only dating asexual people, or at most "greys," that is people with an extremely low sex drive? Or having romance with a poly person who can get aroused around you, but with the understanding they never actually have any sexual play with you, but only relieve the sexual tension by masturbating or fucking another partner? Would you hold them while they masturbate, or say, watch them masturbate on vid cam? Would you do non sexual kink or fetish play with them as long as no one touched each others' genitals?

No need to answer any of these questions publicly. It's merely food for thought.
I'm going to quote this whole thing and answer each part, because I don't mind sharing and talking about this topic is nice.

I'm eighteen, for reference. I actually have a very high libido, as far as playing with myself goes. I masturbate almost every day, and have for the last few years. And I like intimacy with a partner such as hugging and kissing-- I'm very open to physical interaction.

I don't think I have an issue with trust, per se. I grew up well adjusted with a nice family. My parents never talked about sex, so it was a bit of an ethereal concept until I started exploring my own body. The reason I think I prefer to have a long term partner before I consider sex is because I'm incredibly romantic. I loved fairy tales, having a destined soul mate, and was told to wait for the right person before having sex, so the idea of trusting someone heart and soul before trusting them with my body has become important.

I consider sex as a whole to be comprised of a lot of different parts that can all be thought of as sex. I don't claim to define it for anyone else but, to me, sex would be direct contact with another person's genitals, be it with my own genitals or other parts of my body, which I have yet to experience. Things like making out, breast play, touching above the waist are all fine by me.

I wouldn't limit my dating to people with low sex drives or who are asexual. I think, once I start engaging in sex, it'd be something I'd take part in with enthusiasm and eagerness, considering my masturbation habits. I like learning about sex in any aspect, even things I probably wouldn't try myself, just because I think it's interesting. I suppose as far as play with other people, I'd be open to anything that didn't involve direct genital contact, which like I said is how I define sex. I probably draw the line at seeing them entirely naked, depending on how committed and involved I am with that person.

In short, I'm very sex positive and open to a lot of things. My desire to keep my virginity is a combination of romantic ideals and an apprehension about sharing something as personal as my body with another person. Thanks for the questions, they made me think a bit.
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  #12  
Old 06-10-2013, 04:32 PM
Josie Josie is offline
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I don't think there needs to be sex for a relationship to be fulfilling - virgin or not.

I am not a virgin. I have sex with my boyfriend. However, my girlfriend and I, almost never have sex. At first this worried me, not because either felt any less romantic with one another but because sex is generally expected and some would say that, without it, what we have is just friendship.

It's not. We've been together about 9 months now and we're happy, affectionate and in love.

I do agree with insane mystic though. If we didn't both have other partners whom we were sexual with, we would probably have sex pretty regularly, but as it is, that need is pretty much covered for both of us and we prefer to be intimate in other ways.

Also, as for your original post stating that in your readings you've found that polyamory is very much focused on sex - I would say that's not true. Sex in poly is no more of a focus that sex in monogamous relationships. In fact, I've found that from my experience on this forums, poly people tend to be less focused an just sex and more focused on the closeness and love they can form with another.
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  #13  
Old 06-10-2013, 04:40 PM
london london is offline
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I think you're more likely to run into people who have an issue with why they can't have sex with you than the fact that they can't. To put it briefly, it's this concept of them having to earn your trophy through a series of auditions, tests and observations that will determine if they are worthy of your body. For some people, they need sex to feel some of the things that you are requesting of them to get sex, so you'll be at an impasse. Just for the record,i don't believe asexuality is the issue here, I think it's patriarchy with a healthy side of sex negativity.
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  #14  
Old 06-10-2013, 05:53 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Frankly-I like your attitude.

I'm not a virgin (holy Lord that would be funny cause I have 3 children who are biologically mine and 2 grandsons, lol).

However, I feel the same in regards to giving it at least a year before I consider that with someone.
My husband I knew 10 years and we had dated for 6 months before we had sex.
My boyfriend I knew 2 years and we were best friends before we had sex.
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  #15  
Old 06-11-2013, 03:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChaiLatteWriter View Post
I'm going to quote this whole thing and answer each part, because I don't mind sharing and talking about this topic is nice.
Well, good. I didn't want you to feel shocked or insulted by my questions. I respect you are only 18, and a late bloomer for this day and age.

Personally I do not believe in soul mates and since youre interested in poly, I am surprised to hear you say you do. Maybe you have 15 soul mates in your future?

Quote:
I'm eighteen, for reference. I actually have a very high libido, as far as playing with myself goes. I masturbate almost every day, and have for the last few years. And I like intimacy with a partner such as hugging and kissing-- I'm very open to physical interaction.

I don't think I have an issue with trust, per se. I grew up well adjusted with a nice family. My parents never talked about sex, so it was a bit of an ethereal concept until I started exploring my own body. The reason I think I prefer to have a long term partner before I consider sex is because I'm incredibly romantic. I loved fairy tales, having a destined soul mate, and was told to wait for the right person before having sex, so the idea of trusting someone heart and soul before trusting them with my body has become important.
Well, seems you'd trust them with your mouth, your boobs, just not your pussy, hm?

Quote:
I consider sex as a whole to be comprised of a lot of different parts that can all be thought of as sex. I don't claim to define it for anyone else but, to me, sex would be direct contact with another person's genitals, be it with my own genitals or other parts of my body, which I have yet to experience. Things like making out, breast play, touching above the waist are all fine by me.
What if your partner got real aroused from hours of kissing and sucking your tits and started rubbing his cock on your hip or crotch (if he's a guy)? Would dry humping be OK, or would you kick him to the curb? Dry humping with 2 layers of denim between you? Dry humping in underpants? Blue balls and accusations of being a cock tease might be tossed your way if you continued in month after month of making out, tit play and nothing else.

Quote:
I wouldn't limit my dating to people with low sex drives or who are asexual. I think, once I start engaging in sex, it'd be something I'd take part in with enthusiasm and eagerness, considering my masturbation habits. I like learning about sex in any aspect, even things I probably wouldn't try myself, just because I think it's interesting. I suppose as far as play with other people, I'd be open to anything that didn't involve direct genital contact, which like I said is how I define sex. I probably draw the line at seeing them entirely naked, depending on how committed and involved I am with that person.
I remember when I was 15-16 I was into long makeout sessions, fingering and hand jobs, but no fucking... once I learned more about birth control though, I started in with the fucking. Didn't matter if I was "in love" or just in lust with a cute person, I wanted the whole enchilada.

Quote:
In short, I'm very sex positive and open to a lot of things. My desire to keep my virginity is a combination of romantic ideals and an apprehension about sharing something as personal as my body with another person. Thanks for the questions, they made me think a bit.
Once again, your mouth and breasts are parts of your body. You just have really high standards for who can touch your genitals. "Mr Right," or "Ms Right" if you're gay or bi.

I mean, I don't fuck on the first date, but I have had sex with "Mr Right Now" while looking for "perfection" in a mate. But I like when a partner gives me orgasms, it's more fun than masturbation.
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  #16  
Old 06-11-2013, 03:39 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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"One major part of polyamory seems to be the sex"

The only reason for this is that one major part of romantic relationships is generally sex. Of course, it doesn't have to be. There's nothing special/different about poly in that regard. My girlfriend and I went more than a year without having sex, while she was married and I was seeing other people, due to issues surrounding her libido in relation to her pregnancy.

Mags has a point, though. If you're in love, and very attracted to someone, and you both are being physically affectionate, touching, kissing, almost certainly turning each other on... do you really think it'll be enough, for you and the other person, to go home and masturbate while thinking about each other, time after time, while never taking the opportunity in front of you in real life even though you both desire it... for *years*?

I can't tell you what's right for you. All I can say is that, for most sexual people, physical intimacy makes them feel loved and bonded, and forming a long-term loving bond in which that form of affection and fulfillment is denied to you for years on the sole basis of the fact that you haven't earned it yet... well, I think you'll have trouble maintaining functional romantic relationships with sexual people, and that'd be true whether you're mono or poly. Fairy tales are for children for a reason -- real life doesn't work the way it does in books. You can still have loads of romance in your life without letting romantic notions dictate your choices.
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  #17  
Old 06-11-2013, 04:12 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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The OP probably just hasn't met anyone they want to fuck, or get naked with, or touch their naughty-bits, etc., YET. When they do meet someone they're wicked hot for, THEN see if they wait 2 or 3 years before they Have Sex.
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  #18  
Old 06-11-2013, 08:13 AM
InsaneMystic InsaneMystic is offline
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
The OP probably just hasn't met anyone they want to fuck, or get naked with, or touch their naughty-bits, etc., YET. When they do meet someone they're wicked hot for, THEN see if they wait 2 or 3 years before they Have Sex.
As an asexual I'd like to add that's if, not when. Some folks just don't feel "the hots", for anybody ever. I'm pretty sure by now I'm one of these, at 39 years and being with a really awesome gal for five years and running, without feeling any inclination to do the "beast with two backs" with her, despite her being easy on the eyes and the best friend and partner I could imagine.

As for the OP... well, I'm not gonna try a wager on whether they're asexual. That's not my place to say at all. Just saying that even with the explanations given, their story sure doesn't sound like something you couldn't have read in the asexual community, word for word. Lots of aces masturbate. Some of them masturbate a lot.

But yes, I still basically agree. If the OP ever comes to feel that way for someone, then I'd find it rather unlikely that such a "wait 2-3 years" plan could work out... and I couldn't relate to why one would consider it necessary to resist the desire if they do feel it.
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  #19  
Old 06-11-2013, 09:44 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Yeah yeah yeah yeah.

The OP has not said they are asexual. They were already asked that by Mags. Please pay attention.

Just because you are asexual doesn't mean everyone who is a virgin is also asexual. Maybe YOU just haven't met anyone who gets you horny YET either.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 06-11-2013 at 09:48 AM.
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  #20  
Old 06-11-2013, 09:50 AM
InsaneMystic InsaneMystic is offline
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
The OP has not said they are asexual. They were already asked that by Mags. Please pay attention.

Just because you are asexual doesn't mean everyone who is a virgin is also asexual.
I didn't say they were. Neither have they said they weren't. Maybe a bit more attention from your side would be in order.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Maybe YOU just haven't met anyone who gets you horny YET either.
Perfectly possible, just as perfectly possible that maybe you haven't realized YET that you actually don't like sex and just go along with it to blindly fulfill society's expectations. Or you're a zoophile who just haven't found the right goat YET to turn you on in a way no human ever could. etc.pp.

Where's the worth in such speculations?

Last edited by InsaneMystic; 06-11-2013 at 09:56 AM.
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