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Old 06-10-2013, 02:41 AM
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ChaiLatteWriter ChaiLatteWriter is offline
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Question Polyamory and Virgins

Hello, everyone. I'm new to the poly scene and just joined the website. I've been learning about polyamory online, and there is one question I can't seem to find an answer for.

I'll cut to the chase. I'm a virgin. One major part of polyamory seems to be the sex, and many of the websites I've been to assumed sex would be a part of any polyamorous relationship.

But no websites seem to address having multiple romantic relationships without sex, or virgins who are polyamorous, and a couple implied that sex was what made it more than friendship. I only found a few mentions of polyamorous virgins when I searched for it, with the term platonic polyamory thrown out there, but platonic implies no romance and that doesn't seem befitting of the situation. I've had several long term relationships without sex and they were incredibly fulfilling, and certainly more than just intimate friendships in my view.

So I wanted to know other peoples' opinions. Is sex presumed in the polyamory community? Is it a turn off to find potential partners and discover they're virgins? Would it be awkward to date a virgin and have other partners that are sexually available?

I'm really curious about this. Any and all opinions are welcome and appreciated.
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Old 06-10-2013, 02:47 AM
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Sex is assued in most dating circuits-mono and poly alike.
But-that doesn't mean one can't be poly and a virgin.
It might be awkward. But-whatever. Being poly in a mono world is awkward. Being bi in a hetero workd is awkward. Being a woman in a mans world is awkward.
I think there's nothing wrong with identifying ones ability to be romantically loving with more than one person before having had sex with anyone.
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Old 06-10-2013, 03:02 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I'm not sure how old you are. It isn't really relevant, but we were all virgins at some point, and anyone who is not had to have had their first experience with another person. If I were going to pull imaginary statistics out of my anus (as opposed to providing high-quality provenance of data), I would imagine that "most" people have their first "sexual experience" with someone else who is "not a virgin". What does "not a virgin" mean, anyway? Does it mean you have been penetrated by a penis? Does it mean you have gotten naked? Had a relationship? Said "I love you"? Exchanged body fluids? Had an orgasm? Please define what makes you a virgin or not, so we can have a discussion that makes sense.
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Old 06-10-2013, 03:25 AM
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Polyamory is just a structure for how you conduct your relationships, and poly relationships are not much different from mono ones -- there are just more of them in one's life. All poly means is that you have more than one person you're in an intimate/love relationship with. If how you conduct relationships is also as a virgin, that's how you conduct your relationships. We had a very active member here for a while, named Ray, and she was poly and a virgin (by that, I believe she meant she had never had penetrative sex with a partner) -- but she was also kinky! Sex is not a requirement for poly or mono relationships, though it is usually expected in both if one is a consenting adult. It doesn't matter - live your life the way you wish!
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Old 06-10-2013, 04:42 AM
Eponine Eponine is offline
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I'm not a virgin, but I'm asexual. If all my partners were okay with not having sex with me, I could totally have several non-sexual relationships. And that would be the best for me!

So, it's possible to do polyamory without having sex. But just like non-sexual mono relationships are rare, non-sexual poly relationships are also rare. Just like mono people may be turned off by virgins, it can happen with poly people too. But if staying a virgin is what you want, then by all means stay a virgin. You have the right to have the exact kind of relationships you want!
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Old 06-10-2013, 05:11 AM
InsaneMystic InsaneMystic is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eponine View Post
I'm not a virgin, but I'm asexual. If all my partners were okay with not having sex with me, I could totally have several non-sexual relationships. And that would be the best for me!

So, it's possible to do polyamory without having sex. But just like non-sexual mono relationships are rare, non-sexual poly relationships are also rare. Just like mono people may be turned off by virgins, it can happen with poly people too. But if staying a virgin is what you want, then by all means stay a virgin. You have the right to have the exact kind of relationships you want!
Both asexual and a virgin here (and turning 39 years old this month... so my V-card pretty much is platinum by now ). I couldn't agree more.

Poly isn't inherently about sex (and I'd say that people who say "poly minus sex is just friendship" don't really understand relationships, period)... but for the vast majority of people, sex is a natural part of the kind of close, loving relationships they desire for themselves. So, yeah, it can take some time to find someone who'd want to be your love partner if you want to remain virginal - there's no point in denying that a "no sex" stance will diminish your dating pool considerably.

I would say, though, that it's less unlikely to find compatible partners among the poly bunch than among monos if you want to remain virginal... not only do polys think outside the box of what a "normal" relationship is supposed to be in the eyes of society (like, duh!), but poly also can be a very helpful tool in getting sexless 'ships to work happily, seeing as the sexual needs of a partner who does desire sex can be met by other partner(s). I sure know that it's a relief for me to know R., with whom I'm happily been shipping for five years now, doesn't need to shut off/starve that part of her life just because it's not something she can share with me.

Counterintuitive as it may sound to some: I've found that polyamory is quite a lot more common among asexuals than among society at large. Still a minority way of life there, but a noticeably bigger minority we are.
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Old 06-10-2013, 12:58 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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The folks who posted before me pretty much covered the bases - it is totally possible to be poly and a virgin. Uncommon, maybe, but certainly possible.

Feel free to ignore this as your question has been answered and I am asking out of my own curiousity - what does virginity mean to you?

It took me much longer than my peers to have sex but that was not a completely conscious choice - rather a combination of introversion and an utter inability to recognize flirting. So I am curious about folks who decide to be virgins consciously and thoughtfully.
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Old 06-10-2013, 02:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
The folks who posted before me pretty much covered the bases - it is totally possible to be poly and a virgin. Uncommon, maybe, but certainly possible.

Feel free to ignore this as your question has been answered and I am asking out of my own curiousity - what does virginity mean to you?

It took me much longer than my peers to have sex but that was not a completely conscious choice - rather a combination of introversion and an utter inability to recognize flirting. So I am curious about folks who decide to be virgins consciously and thoughtfully.
Thanks for the reply, I'd be happy to answer your own question.

I'm fairly young and so being a virgin isn't completely surprising for someone my age, but I keep my virginity because I was raised to think of sex as a special and intimate act for someone you truly care about. At first I thought this meant marriage, and it seemed an easy way to avoid STDs and unwanted pregnancy anyhow. I'm glad I didn't get into the mess that is sex during high school-- too confusing and too much peer pressure.

Now that I'm older, I know marriage isn't required for sex to be special and full of meaning, but I still want to wait until I've been with someone several years and trust them completely before I think about engaging in sex with anyone.

That's the simple answer, though I could rant for ages on sex and virginity and how I perceive it.
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Old 06-10-2013, 03:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChaiLatteWriter View Post
...I still want to wait until I've been with someone several years and trust them completely before I think about engaging in sex with anyone.
Hmm, OK, you're in your late teens? You have a very low libido? You don't get horny, you don't masturbate?

Or, you have a libido, you do get horny, you do masturbate? But there's something going on with you around "Trust" with a capital T, to a very large (several years duration) degree before you'd want to "have sex" with a romantic interest?

Look at your unusual need for trust. What does that entail? Have you had others break your trust as a child/young person to the degree that you're unusually untrustful and even closed off emotionally now? Or, otoh, maybe you've been sexually molested and do not associate healthy sexuality with love...

And another question, how do you define sex? Penis in vagina only? Would you make out, touch a partner's genitals, give them oral, or allow them to digitally or orally pleasure your genitals in those "several years of dating" before you allow "sex?" Or no, nothing arousing at all? Even if they are aroused, you'd put up a barrier and not give then any release, ever? Or do you plan on only dating asexual people, or at most "greys," that is people with an extremely low sex drive? Or having romance with a poly person who can get aroused around you, but with the understanding they never actually have any sexual play with you, but only relieve the sexual tension by masturbating or fucking another partner? Would you hold them while they masturbate, or say, watch them masturbate on vid cam? Would you do non sexual kink or fetish play with them as long as no one touched each others' genitals?

No need to answer any of these questions publicly. It's merely food for thought.
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Old 06-10-2013, 03:29 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
And another question, how do you define sex? Penis in vagina only? Would you make out, touch a partner's genitals, give them oral, or allow them to digitally or orally pleasure your genitals in those "several years of dating" before you allow "sex?" Or no, nothing arousing at all? Even if they are aroused, you'd put up a barrier and not give then any release, ever? Or do you plan on only dating asexual people, or at most "greys," that is people with an extremely low sex drive? Or having romance with a poly person who can get aroused around you, but with the understanding they never actually have any sexual play with you, but only relieve the sexual tension by masturbating or fucking another partner? Would you hold them while they masturbate, or say, watch them masturbate on vid cam? Would you do non sexual kink or fetish play with them as long as no one touched each others' genitals?

No need to answer any of these questions publicly. It's merely food for thought.

I was actually curious about those things myself, and asked some of those questions right away, but you asked more of them & i agree that the OP does not owe anyone an answer, publicly or otherwise. But, it is a worthwhile discussion.
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