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  #121  
Old 06-05-2013, 01:41 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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I am sorry to hear about your father. Please do take care of yourself. Sending you hugs.
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  #122  
Old 06-09-2013, 04:01 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Things are not so great. The family situation with the sickness of my dad is very tense and causing me a lot of stress. And while I thought that C and I were more on the same page, it no longer looks like that.

The thing is: I want a complete relationship with him, where we are integrated in each others lives - as far as that's possible because of the fact we live a couple of hours apart. He comes to my house, knows my friends, knows my husband, has met my co-workers. I want to share the fun stuff and the bad stuff that's going on in my life. I want him to be my partner.

2 weeks ago we had a good talk about his new relationship (which isn't that new anymore, anyway) andI felt he heard me when I said how painful it is for me to not feel seen. But the past week there were a couple of incidents when he did not respond to messages (which were sad updates about my dad) because he was with her. He sees her almost every day now, so I have issues with the fact that he says he cannot connect with me when he's with her.

We saw each other this weekend. At one point he mentioned that a friend of his (basically one of his very few close friends) was performing somewhere, and that he had thought of taking me, but that that wasn't possible, because it was at a venue where Molly would also be present that night because she works there. He later told me the performance wasn't that interesting anyway, but I think that's besides the point - the point is she doesn't want to see me.

After this had happened I remembered something I'd forgotten. A while ago he showed me some pictures of me he had printed out and said 'yeah I thought about displaying them, but I can't, because then when Molly comes over she sees them'.

All these things are perfectly understandable. I mean I have had struggles with meeting metamours. And I'll never be good friends with Lou. But we know each other, and respect each others place in Ren's life.

I'm getting to the point where I think that this is going to be a deal breaker for me.

Last night C jokingly said: maybe I should give you Molly's email address so the 2 of you can connect without my interference.

I'm thinking of taking him up on that. And if she doesn't want this, I'm thinking this cannot go on. C. and I have great moments together but I cannot have a truly intimate relationship with someone who is not proud of me, and who is willing to ignore me (in various ways) so as to not hurt his other lover. Of course what I don't really know, is if HE would want it differently, and that it's really just her who doesn't want to meet me.
Am I wrong in taking this to a level where it's between me and her? Should he do something instead?
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #123  
Old 06-09-2013, 06:21 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I'm really sorry about your Dad *hug*

I know I would want to figure this thing out with Molly sooner than later - I would not be OK with somebody saying they wanted to display photos of me but couldn't because their other partner would see them, especially because its about HIS discomfort mainly as far as I can tell, and not necessarily hers - is he going to go through his life never putting up pictures of those he loves because it might be some odd affront to someones sensibilities?

I think getting in touch with her via email would be ideal since for all you know she's fine with things, but his worry about it makes him present the situation as being horribly uncomfortable for her and probably is greatly affecting both you and her the longer it goes on. I've met people Adam dated, and both Brian and Greg's wives without them involved or around, talked through emails or IM to chat and set up coffee or drink dates (sometimes my preference to just meet them solo, sometimes theirs). It's nice not to have a third parties nerves impacting an attempt to get to know somebody, and I have a feeling C might just botch it if you were all in the same place at the same time so... with how much this is weighing on your mind, and how much is going on in your life right now, in your place I'd pretend C wasn't joking and ask him for her email and ask him to let her know that you're going to be writing her.
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  #124  
Old 06-09-2013, 06:34 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Thanks Anne. I'm really torn about this. I want to take things into my own hands, because that's what I do. But - if I reach out to her, I'm sort of taking the problem away from where it really resides - which is in HIS attitude.

He has told me she does not want to meet me. I don't think he made that up.

I feel he's not acknowledging me, and that's not going to change if I meet her for coffee. I mean it would help me immensely, and it would probably help her too, but I don't think it would fundamentally change things between me and him. The fact that he is perfectly fine with doing everything to not hurt her feelings, even when it's hurting me, is what really matters.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #125  
Old 06-09-2013, 07:18 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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You said in the post before this "Am I wrong in taking this to a level where it's between me and her? Should he do something instead?"
No (obviously I think that or I wouldn't have said what I said), and Yes - but it seems to be getting clearer he wont so the ball is in your court.

Its possible she doesn't want to meet you, and its possible she said months ago that she wasn't sure she wanted to meet you and he took that as a final statement and wouldn't ever think of bring it up again to check in with how she was doing and if she'd changed her mind.

If you take it out of his hands, at least HE might be able to focus on how he is treating you instead of distracting with what he thinks Molly wants or thinks. I imagine it comes down to if you are trying to decide if you should keep him in your life based around what he does or doesn't do in regards to this situation. You've asked for what you wanted, and other than some dramatic ultimatum there's not much else you can do. You seem pretty sure that if she's not ever going to be comfortable with you as his partner, that knowing that will change things, and probably end your relationship with C.

I cant' remember if you've mentioned if you've met other people he's dated - but I know this has been an issue for awhile and every time you think you've taken a step forward together on the same page, you find yourself backsliding and realizing that you're still not getting what you would like, or what you think he said he would give you. (note - might be projecting a bit from struggles I've had about being compartmentalized in one of my partner's lives.) I know that trying to figure out if you should keep a mostly rewarding but markedly flawed in one area relationship is something very hard to get clarity on, and I imagine if you're struggling with that - contacting Molly and seeing how he responded after that it would help provide some of that for better or worse.
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  #126  
Old 06-10-2013, 02:01 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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I'm sorry about your father, Cleo, and I'm sorry about the situation with C and Molly.

It sounds like C doesn't have the communication skills to improve things, so yes, talking to Molly yourself might be your only option.

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  #127  
Old 06-10-2013, 06:02 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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just sent him a message and asked for her email adress. any info that comes out of this will be useful... if he doesn't want to give it, if she does not want to give it, and if i do get it, how she will respond to my contacting her - and how he will react. just had to do something!
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #128  
Old 06-10-2013, 05:52 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
just sent him a message and asked for her email adress. any info that comes out of this will be useful... if he doesn't want to give it, if she does not want to give it, and if i do get it, how she will respond to my contacting her - and how he will react. just had to do something!
I'm sorry about your father.

K and T have always been hesitant to contact each other, but just recently K did reach out. So it can change. I think you're right in going ahead and doing it. Changing people from an abstract (his other gf) to a concrete (Cleo) can make a huge difference on how you treat people.
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  #129  
Old 06-10-2013, 06:24 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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I am so, so very sorry about your dad. My momma died a couple years ago, and I'm still devastated. I'm sending good thoughts and vibes your way.

I would be really hurt and angry at how C is putting Molly's needs and comfort ahead of yours, and I hope you all can resolve it in a positive way.

You have a lot hitting you all at once - be sure to take care of yourself during this time!
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  #130  
Old 06-11-2013, 07:52 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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C wrote me a message telling me Molly does not want to meet me.

I then wrote him an email telling him that I'm sorry about that, but that it's her decision, and that the real issue is between me and him. That I feel unseen and neglected. That I was hoping for his relationship to develop, to become stronger and more important and more integrated in each others lives, and instead it's diminishing.

We then had one of those long and difficult phone conversations where a lot is said and basically nothing is said. He gets very defensive, and has a hard time listening to waht I really say. Example: When I told him it had hurt me when he had said that he thought of displaying a picture of me but did not do it because then Molly would see it, he got very defensive and angry and said It's my house! Surely I can decide what pictures I display or not?

sigh. Isn't that a textbook example of failed communication .....

Anyway. I left after the phone conversation (which left things pretty much unresolved) for an evening with MrBrown. Talked to him abut my issues with my dad's illness, family troubles, and C. It is always sooooo wonderful to talk to him - he believes in my strength, he believes in my power to handle things, and he is brutally honest. It was good to talk about C because it made me realize a couple of things about my own responsibility with regards to the things that went wrong the last couple of months.

I think it is no coincedence that I started dating C when my hurt and sadness about Ren seriously dating a woman I did not like and trust (and suffering a lot of anxiety and jealousy over that) were at an all time high.

C was hurt and broken after his very recent separation (and his divorce is still not final, and I do forget that there is a lot of pain there for him, still) and he clung to me for love and support. And I really enjoyed the fact that he was someone who needed me, only me, while I was no longer the ony woman in Ren's life.

I know, not very advanced poly

At the same time his neediness bothered me. So it was complicated, but I felt in control, because I either enjoyed his love and attention, or took time for myself to withdraw from it.

Now HE is the one in control. And I do think he's handling it badly, and not taking are of my needs. But the fact that I am responding so strongly to it, and can't let go (which could mean two things - either break up with him, or, as Anneintherain so eloquently put it, "keep a mostly rewarding but markedly flawed in one area relationship ") does have something to do with me as well.

Anyway. I've decided to hit the pause button (MrB's words). No contact for at least a couple of days. And then see how it feels We were supposed to go away together for the weekend in two weeks. I haven't cancelled yet, but I did check the cancellation policy.

I think the only chance we have is to start over. Which means to me: much less daily communication about trivial stuff, no more sleepovers at my house while Ren is there, and, for now, no sex. The sex is a big issue that we hardly talk about. Because of his inability to 'function' with a condom, PIV sex has been off the table since he started sleeping with Molly (and is fluid bonded with her). Which means we do other stuff, but that is not always working either, and its frustrating for me because I want him so much, I LOVE his body, and I don't know what to do, and it makes me insecure (it never made me insecure when he was just with me, but now that I know he has sex with her, it does).
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf

Last edited by Cleo; 06-11-2013 at 07:54 AM.
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