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Old 05-24-2013, 01:13 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Location: Portland, OR
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Have you given this one a look?

Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
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Old 05-25-2013, 01:32 AM
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Harborman Harborman is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 9
Default ellneek remove

Unless you want to be some kind of pioneer, do you have to disclose the details of your relationship to church and the office? What business is it of theirs? As for family, you might just need to introduce the apex of your V or one of your lovers.
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Old 05-25-2013, 02:49 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Location: Pennsylvania
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I come out when asked about Murf. Frankly my family has done nothing for me the last 12 years. They are not paying my bills they do not need to know the dirty details of my life.

As for people interested in dating you.. Be honest from the get go. New friends that is up to you. Coworkers it is non of their business.

But I am a private person I feel no need to wave the poly flag from my roof top.
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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Old 05-25-2013, 11:51 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Posts: 931

Originally Posted by PolyPaulie View Post
How do I explain Poly to people who's religion condemns it as sin?
Same way you would to anyone else. Poly means having romantic relationships with more than one person at a time with everyone's consent.

Or are you really asking how to 'explain it' in such a way that you'll convince them to approve of sex with multiple people, and sex outside marriage? If this is what you want, it's not likely going to happen. You don't want them telling you your beliefs are wrong and that you must change your mind on matters of faith, so give them the same respect.

And on that note, What is an appropriate way/time to come out as poly to people who are interested in dating you? To new friends? How about coworkers?
I'm also not clear on the need to tell anyone and everyone about your dating life or sex life.

Are you married or in a committed relationship? If so, who are those who are interested in dating you and how have they let you know if they believe you're not available?

Or do you mean when you meet someone for a first date, say off Okcupid or that sort of thing? If that's what you mean, I would suggest considering putting it in your profile so they know from the start. This way, you'll draw people looking specifically for poly people. And you won't run into the problem of people being turned off thinking they're going for a standard date with someone looking for a monogamous relationship only to find out the two of you aren't a match and never will be--I can see someone feeling they wasted their time in that situation and feeling like they had a bit of bait and switch pulled on them.
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Old 05-29-2013, 02:02 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: East Coast, U.S.
Posts: 455

If I am remembering correctly from her other post, PolyPaulie is 20 years old, openly dating more than one person, and has just divested herself of a transphobic boyfriend who was not thrilled with her being poly. (Yay!)

Therefore, it sounds like a lot of people in her life already know she is poly and that she's having no trouble explaining it to people she dates. So I will just talk about being open with family & co-workers.

Co-workers: depends what kind of job and what kind of social environment. In my ideal world, one's co-workers would know nothing at all about one's personal life. In reality, though, people chat & ask questions and there is no way to avoid that friendly office banter. With a full time job, you might spend the MAJORITY of your time with co-workers, more than with other people in your life! In my own new office job, I have managed to avoid answering any questions about my dating life so far, but my co-workers already wonder why I'm so weird and secretive. This is a job I'm planning to stay in for years, so I haven't figured out what to do about that yet.

Family: I alternate between wanting to be more open with them and wanting them to know nothing at all about my dating life. I am not yet sure what the balance is.

So I don't really have any advice for you. Keep reading on this site, especially in the Life Stories & Blogs section. Lots of good stuff there.

PS: I congratulate you for being independent and out of your parents' house at such a young age!
Single, straight, female, solo, non-monogamous.
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Old 06-01-2013, 08:30 PM
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writingholiday writingholiday is offline
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 10

Interesting subject.

When and how to come out as poly to friends and coworkers is something that I'm wondering about too. How do you bring the subject of open marriages up? I have a couple women friends with whom I'd like to tell about my open relationship. I'd ask them out, but I wouldn't want them thinking that I'm cheating. I would keep my poly a secret and stick to women I meet online, but the women I've met in person are much more interesting to me and have more in common with me.

As for coming out as poly to a religious family, I'd just let them be. The athiesm thing was probably hard enough on them. Introduce them to one boyfriend and if they have to meet one of your other partners for any reason, just tell them that he or she is a friend. They don't need to know the intimate details of your sex life.
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Old 06-02-2013, 03:41 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,640

If you are really friends with these women and hang out with them, don't they ask you where your wife is or what she's doing? You can use that to OMG bring up the open relationship. I do this all the time, although i so far have not been interested in dating any of the people. People often ask, "where is S?" and i'll say "on a date" or "with K" (if they already know). It normalizes it, instead of bells going off and confetti dropping from above. Then word gets around in a way that isn't dramatic as long as you project authenticity and don't act like you are looking for approval. Of course, since you want to ask these women out on dates, you will be projecting that, so you might as well figure out what you need to do to get comfortable with yourself, then just say to them (one at a time), "you know my wife and i see other people right? Would you ever consider being in a non-monogamous relationship that isn't cheating?" if they like you, it will get personal from there. If they don't like you that way, it will either get all philosophical and academic, or awkward and you will notice.
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Old 06-02-2013, 10:20 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 422
Default There is no need to expose yourself to persecution

Unless you are ready to take a stand. By far the absolute best thing you can do is always speak up when you hear of anybody trash talking LGBT or Poly or any form of non-monogamy for being who they are.

If everyone spoke out every time they heard a bigoted slur, it would be the bigots who needed to closet themselves and not those who just want to be free to live

If you choose to become an activist, that's great, get with an organization so that you know you are helping and not hindering the movement to rid the world or wrongly discrimination.

Speak out whenever you see instances of people afflicting others with hardships or when their speech is obviously meant to belittle or intimidate. If you do that, the coming out will take care of itself, and when enough people do it, you won't have to worry any more about persecution, people won't allow others to try to intimidate or shame you when it is them who are wrong and flawed.
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Old 06-07-2013, 12:40 PM
Hetaera Hetaera is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Northeast
Posts: 66

You have no need to come out to anyone, esp. if they can negatively impact your career, family or life in anyway. We don't reveal all of ourselves to all people, particularly co-workers, because we work with people from all walks of life. Gay is just starting to gain acceptance & Poly has a very long way to go. Be very very careful who you tell. I have told my closest friends b/c I have great friends but not my family & would never tell a co-worker or colleague unless I was sure they could accept it & keep their mouths shut. And I am an incredibly open & honest person. Why would you feel the need to come out to everyone? What are the benefits & more importantly, what are the consequences? Being honest doesn't mean you have to disclose everything to everyone. Proceed with caution. You can't untell.
Me- Bi-female-early 40s- Single Mom to 2 young boys
Exploring & having fun for the time being after a long & unhappy marriage

There is no failure. Only feedback. -Robert Allen
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Old 10-16-2013, 03:43 AM
pulliman pulliman is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern US...
Posts: 182
Default Just one

I recently told one sister. About AM and WI and me.

She wasn't surprised at all. (She knew about EL.)

She said, probably second sentence after I told her about us three, "you must be loving this." I said, "well, I've found that I'm not always necessary..." and she stopped laughing about give minutes later.

What a total sense of peace and acceptance from her. What a total sense of being KNOWN. What an incredible feeling.

What did she want to know? How it came to be. And that we are doing well. Communication, sex life, a round robin of attention and listening - those were icing on the cake. Our creation story made sense, even with an outwardly straight wife, and that's what she needed to know.

And it really does feel amazing to have her know, have her understand me, and feel safe. She's the only family member to know about me and poly. I'm totally in the closet with family and all but a few really close friends. To feel this safe is an incredible feeling...

For what it's worth, WI has told one sister as well. It also went really well. Sometimes things work out fine, I guess. But we're nervous to tell anyone else...
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coming, coming out, coming out poly, coming out to family, religious

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