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  #11  
Old 06-07-2013, 06:09 AM
london london is offline
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I just mean that involving her like I would like to so she sees that I am not trying to take him away etc isn't an option because she wants that sort of arrangement. Ideally, I would like to speak to her via email or something but that will never. ever be an option.
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  #12  
Old 06-07-2013, 04:10 PM
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Ugh, london, this is all kinds of messed up.

First of all, on their side. She's not on board with him being poly. DADT sucks. It's all sketchy. I'd not date a man whose OSO wasn't OK with him being poly. Full stop.

He can not carry on a healthy poly relationship with you, whether it's early, late or fucking Christmas! Also, he can't "make" you feel anything, insecure, secure, happy, sad. Own your own emotions.

Me? I'd step back and see if he and his other gf can make any progress in how they are managing poly. I hear the sex is great, but how can you stand being the unwelcome "other woman?"
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  #13  
Old 08-29-2013, 05:46 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
Generally, I agree with this, but, I feel like if one person is displaying behaviour that is unreasonable or even harmful, then they do have some responsibility to why that person is left feeling negatively.
I believe that if someone is displaying unreasonable or harmful behaviour, then it's my responsibility to protect myself. People don't typically continue harmful behaviour because they get some pleasure from it. They continue it because they don't feel capable of fixing it.

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I think the behaviour on his part that is unreasonable at this time is continuing this instability where it could have been resolved by now.
That's where he is right now in his life. Unstable. This is not something he's doing "to you." You entered the life of someone in an unstable relationship, and you're experiencing the natural outcome of that instability. Now you're making their instability "about you." It's not. It's about them. If you don't want to be involved in the instability, then don't be. Plain and simple. By choosing to remain involved with him, you're choosing the instability that comes with him.
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  #14  
Old 08-29-2013, 08:25 AM
london london is offline
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Interesting time to revoke this thread. After I wrote this, I showed him and within a day or two, him and his girlfriend split up for good.

Recently though, he met someone new and they have fallen for each other big time. She was okay with the non monogamy thing but he found that he couldn't handle her seeing other people, so we are no longer seeing each other. It sucks, but it wasn't surprising. This thing that I wrote this thread about was always a red flag: I couldn't understand why he kept monogamy as an option in the way he did by "continuing the instability" if he was so sure about being poly. I know now that was because, perhaps only subconsciously, he wasn't entirely sure. As I said, it sucks, but I definitely wouldn't be down for this whole drama again, so it's preferable that it was a clean break. This only happened two days ago.
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  #15  
Old 08-29-2013, 05:06 PM
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Originally Posted by london View Post
What I mean is that we are friends at this point, but we met on a dating site. When we first met and talked about this stuff there wasn't limitations. He didn't say 'we can only ever be "x" and nothing more because my relationship prohibits that'. If we end up staying just as friends, that's fine, but I want that to be because that's what we are compatible for, not because it's against the rules. That's something I feel I checked early on and the only rule stated about his interactions with others revolved around safer sex.

What I do know for sure is that if they closed their relationship, we wouldn't be able to see each other anymore because even though we are friends, we aren't "just friends" and I can't see how we ever would be. Anything that we have exists because they aren't monogamous. But I know she wants to be. And that makes me fearful for what we have.
I understand what you are saying. Your budding relationship was based on one set of circumstances / rules (or lack thereof), and now it appears he may change them due to the other woman's desires.

You should trust what your feelings of insecurity are telling you.

I have been in that exact situation. And the worse did come to pass - the wife changed her mind 180 degrees. Being the wife she had a lot of pull. The question in your situation is how much pull does this woman have? How likely is it that he will cave to her demands?

And I also understand your feeling that if your relationship makes or breaks based on the two of you, you could deal. But having your relationship break due to a coercive influence just sucks.
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  #16  
Old 08-29-2013, 05:12 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Wow London, I'm sorry. It sucks, but turns out your instincts were right. I have had the impression that you are not overly subject to emotional reactions, so given the fact that you had these definite alarm bells, I would suggest that they did their job.
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  #17  
Old 08-29-2013, 06:24 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Ugh, london, this is all kinds of messed up.

First of all, on their side. She's not on board with him being poly. DADT sucks. It's all sketchy. I'd not date a man whose OSO wasn't OK with him being poly. Full stop.

He can not carry on a healthy poly relationship with you, whether it's early, late or fucking Christmas! Also, he can't "make" you feel anything, insecure, secure, happy, sad. Own your own emotions.

Me? I'd step back and see if he and his other gf can make any progress in how they are managing poly. I hear the sex is great, but how can you stand being the unwelcome "other woman?"
Ditto.. Absolute red flags... Full stop until they can figure stuff out. This is like watching a train wreck. The odds of shut hitting the fan are high..
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  #18  
Old 08-29-2013, 07:13 PM
london london is offline
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Yeah, if you read the update you'll see they actually broke up a few days after this thread.
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  #19  
Old 08-29-2013, 07:23 PM
london london is offline
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I have had the impression that you are not overly subject to emotional reactions, so given the fact that you had these definite alarm bells, I would suggest that they did their job.
In terms of the red flag, it was more that what he was doing didn't seem logical. I pretty much know she wasn't right for him but I think a part of him, maybe subconsciously felt that someone else might be right for a monogamous relationship. He says that the reason for him closing the relationship he is in now is because he can't tolerate her seeing other people (implying he still wants to himself) but obviously he can't want her to be monogamous whilst he does the poly thing. Yeah, I feel mislead and stuff but he isn't a bad person or anything; he thought he knew what he wanted and it turns out he didn't. Would I be confident if I were her about his sudden lifestyle change? No. Simply because it seems, if he was being honest, that he just fears being replaced/displaced in her life rather than genuinely not wanting to have relations with other people. If I were her, I'd be concerned that after a while, the urge to be with others would overwhelm him and he might do something unethical. But I'm not her and it's not my problem.
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  #20  
Old 08-30-2013, 03:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
She was okay with the non monogamy thing but he found that he couldn't handle her seeing other people, so we are no longer seeing each other. It sucks, but it wasn't surprising.
Out of nosy curiosity, does she identify as non-monogamous a priori, or was she just willing to give it a go if that's what he wanted? Seems like he's just asking to be stuck in a loop. But if she was "take it or leave it" then I guess it could work... But probably better if he learned to deal with his own jealousy rather than avoiding it.
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