Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 06-23-2009, 05:49 AM
LadyKismet's Avatar
LadyKismet LadyKismet is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Nunya, Florida ^_^
Posts: 11
Wink Hello all.... so, here's my situation..

...My situation is this. For the past 14 years, my husband and I have been incredibly linked in so many ways. They are closer than family, and yet there is a lot of spiritual and sexual tension surrounding us. I am bisexual, as is the wife in the couple. We are both linked so strongly we know when there's something wrong with the other. She has my heart, as does my husband, as does my best friend's husband.

I can try, in words, to describe what 'it' is, meaning what's between us four, although I can do my best. We have all been through hell together, and although we have hurt each other, there is ultimate and unconditional love and acceptance between us.

I strongly feel that we should merge our family, and K (the wife) concurs. We both feel that we all belong together.... the problem is convincing the men. Each has their own problems with the idea. J, K's husband, worries that there will be problems, (which there will, I mean, what couple doesn't have that, no matter the amount of those involved?) And my husband, well.. it hurts him to even know I have feelings for J (the husband). He does not mind my feelings for K, and lets us do what we want and be together, but he cannot tolerate me being with another man. the thought alone makes me crazy. But the funny thing is, I don't have to be intimate with J to be near him, we can remain outward friends and love each other the best we can without sexual contact, and my husband and K have my blessings to be together with no ill feelings. I trust these four more than life itself, and they all three mean something so special and sacred to me. I want us to be a family, but I don't see how it's going to happen? Then again, I feel that it will happen one day. We four are too close for all of us, even the most stubborn, to not see it eventually. It would be hard for my husband to get over his jealousy, though. and it would be hard for J ( the husband) to stop worrying that my husband would be too upset.

I want our family reunited. I want us all together. Unfortunately, they also live in CO, while we're in Florida. That's a long drive, lol... What are your suggestions? I know in my heart, we belong together, and I know deep in my heart that we all belong together.What can I do to introduce the idea slowly? I'm flying K out in two weeks and me, my husband and K are going on a romantic vacation together. I'm hoping that once he sees that the three of us can be together, that there's a possibility that this might work.


Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. Whatcha all make of this situation?.

Heather
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 06-23-2009, 06:15 AM
LadyKismet's Avatar
LadyKismet LadyKismet is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Nunya, Florida ^_^
Posts: 11
Default

apologies... the beginning sentence should read, my husband and I are linked with another couple, who are our best friends. Or something along that line. I hope it was implied, and I didn't annoy anyone ^_^
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 06-23-2009, 06:28 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,633
Default

it sounds like you are on a good track really, just be patient and it will all fall into place where it will... pushing any of it on anyone will not end in your favour. It sounds like this suggestion is new information for the men and might need time to settle in. Jealousy usually dies out with time and if it doesn't then there is something deeper that is wrong. That might be worth waiting to find out about?

easy does it my friend. this could be an awesome thing if you take it easy and let it all work itself out... if it doesn't then it wasn't meant to be and at least you can say that you didn't push anyone to do something they didn't want to do.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 06-23-2009, 06:56 AM
LadyKismet's Avatar
LadyKismet LadyKismet is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Nunya, Florida ^_^
Posts: 11
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
it sounds like you are on a good track really, just be patient and it will all fall into place where it will... pushing any of it on anyone will not end in your favour. It sounds like this suggestion is new information for the men and might need time to settle in. Jealousy usually dies out with time and if it doesn't then there is something deeper that is wrong. That might be worth waiting to find out about?

easy does it my friend. this could be an awesome thing if you take it easy and let it all work itself out... if it doesn't then it wasn't meant to be and at least you can say that you didn't push anyone to do something they didn't want to do.
Thank you, Red Pepper... You kind of confirmed what I'm hoping is the right thing to do. I am planning on sitting down with my husband and K (I'm flying her in in two weeks) And I think she is definitely on board. I'm hoping my husband can understand that I love him very much. It's hard for him to understand that there's space in your heart for many loves. To him it's black and white. If you love someone else, you don't love me. And it hurts me, and it hurts him. What's the best way to get the conversation across? Any pointers?
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 06-23-2009, 08:54 PM
LethalTender's Avatar
LethalTender LethalTender is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Currently Deployed to Iraq.
Posts: 21
Default My Thoughts

I am not sure why I am offering a reply... Most likely it is to help myself come to grips with some of the things that I am facing in my life... However... I am of the opinion that love... the feeling the emotion is infinite... however... the fear the concern the... black and white view point... could come from insecurity... (if they really love me... then why do they love someone else?) most of us... are/were raised... with the thought the idea the concept of... The One... the one perfect love the one perfect match... the one whom was... Made... to complete us... its... a beguiling notion... and I can not say that it is not true... however... it begs the question of... if there is one "perfect match"... how many... 98% matches are there out there in the world?... 89%? 76%? how... are we to truely judge what a perfect love is... let alone a perfect relationship?? anyway... love is a GIFT... it can not be taken... it can not be Loaned... and once given... it can not be taken back... yet... as said before... I believe... it is infinite... so you can give all you wish... and when you find yourself in a relationship where love is returned in kind... it is truely a wonderous thing... now... for insecurity... or jealousy... it... is EASIER... to just love... ONE... person... its... not lazy... just... simpler... and possibly has been... ingrained into us... by family... society... religion... ect... that the love we give... MUST be to only one... it is not easy to break out of the norms that we have grown into... and it is all to easy... to find hurt... when one thinks... that the love... ones loved one gives to another... is at the expense of oneself... your husband... is not threatened... i would dare say... by K... but then again... why should he? the nature of your intimacy... sexual or otherwise... is no... threat... to him... but to face the idea... that you could love... and be bound intimately... with another man... i could see that being most difficult to accept... for it raises the question... what... is it that this... man.. this... fellow person of my own gender... can give... that i am NOT giving?? the answer... is the nature of the emotionall fullfillment... the nature of the CONNECTION that you feel with J... you can.. LOVE.. mutual shared connectedess you have with your husband... for say a hobby... something that you two enjoy together... and with J... you love... the feeling of intimacy that comes from shared experiences that are DIFFERENT... from your husband... its... my best of hopes... for you... that in TIME... and with much... open and honest communication... between you and your husband... and this couple... that your husband could come to see.. that what ever J could give... is something special and different... and not a threat... to the nature of the love that he provides... I am sorry for the lengthy response... I wish you well...
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 06-24-2009, 02:09 AM
Quath Quath is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 504
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LadyKismet View Post
To him it's black and white. If you love someone else, you don't love me. And it hurts me, and it hurts him. What's the best way to get the conversation across? Any pointers?
Well, for me, I tend to go for the logical response due to my personality. I usually say that we understand people wanting more than one child, more than one pet or more than one type of favorite food. Polyamore is just another example of people wanting more than one love. Love is not a finite quantity, just the time we can spend with those we love is finite.

So if he has more than one pet or child, ask him if the second one diminished his love for the first.

However, the logical approach does not often work. Another way I try to explain it is to get the person to imagine being with two people they loved at some point in their life at the same time. Sometimes if they can relate to two loves they have had, they can grasp the idea of loving more than one person at a time.

Another is to talk about how society teaches us that we should only have one true love as LethalTender says. But we should question society's rules instead of blindly accepting them. I don;t know if this work work, but it maay work on a self-reflective type of personality.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 06-24-2009, 02:51 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

I have to be honest in saying I don't understand how it is possible to love two people intimately, which is a totally different thing than the love of multiple children to me (I used to use that argument with my mono friends until I realized I didn't believe it myself LOL!...the sexual aspect of intimate love sets it apart).

But I do know it is possible! In order for me to accept that my Life Love could indeed have these feelings for more than one person I had to see Redpepper and her husband together. There is no doubt in my mind that she loves both of us immensely. I see it in her eyes. That is all I need

In my case, as a monogamous person in a polyamorous relationship, many differences between the two natures are overcome with acceptance and not understanding. This does not mean I tolerate the differences (that would be fake and not sustainable) but means I trust that they are right and healthy for my partner. Just like she trusts that my nature is right and healthy for me.

Hope this makes sense and I love the direction you are taking your poly relationship. The deep connection and family is truly what I love to see
Best of luck

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 06-24-2009 at 03:01 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 06-25-2009, 01:53 AM
LadyKismet's Avatar
LadyKismet LadyKismet is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Nunya, Florida ^_^
Posts: 11
Default

Thank you all for your advice. This is definitely not something I planned on doing overnight... the heart just doesn't work that way. My husband is on the phone with K as we speak, and it warms my heart to the glow he gets on his face when he speaks to her.

There is more to the story than what I've put out though. I was dishonest with him, though. 7 years ago, we were all friends. Then her husband and I started an affair. It was not ever sex, but it was emotional, and that's enough for me to be a cheater in my eyes. We kissed twice, and the pain of having to choose between them was so intense, I left my husband for 2 months. I was torn into a million pieces. I wanted all three, I could have none or only one. So there was dishonesty on my part big time. And a lot of the jealousy stems from that. He, in turn, had an affair out of anger with the wife, but I understand that and it doesn't bother me at all. I know how badly I hurt him.

But if poly is based on anything, it is based on trust and honesty. And the honest truth is that we all belong together. I know that, and deep in his heart, my husband has admitted that. I understand that for now, it must be the three of us, me, my husband, and the wife. It's more than understandable. I wish with all my heart I could take back the hurt I caused, but it's not possible. I *hope* that one day we can let the husband into the fold. I do not have any expectations, though, because we're all human, and it may be too painful for him for the rest of our lives, and I could understand that.

In our last poly relationship, I continued to tell him it was too painful and I couldn't do it anymore, to which he would reply that it was my self esteem issue to work out (all of us together, of course) but I as not forthright in the fact that I wanted it to end, period, and he didn't accept the signs that it was too hurtful for me. I would go in the bathroom, lock the door, and curl up into a little ball, sobbing and shaken to my core being. I would get sick over it, and he turned his head to it, because he enjoyed it too much. All of which the symptoms were of my dishonesty in my level of happiness, and my not being close to someone who was dishonest and manipulative to begin with. Hindsight is 20/20. They don't say that for no reason ^_^

Anyway, I'm trusting my intuition on this one, and that is that we will all move past our hurts and be together one day. I never have to be sexual with the husband. What I feel transcends that incredibly. Just to spend some time with him is enough to make me happy, and I hope that my husband can one day forgive me and see it for the harmless truth that it is.

I appreciate all the advice, guys. I'm so glad I found this place! What wonderful people!

I hope you all sleep well, and have wonderful dreams!

Love & Light!

Heather
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 06-27-2009, 05:26 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,633
Default

Forgive yourself Heather... we don't all get everything right the first time. You have learned from your mistakes and are on a healthy and respectful path now. The fact that you are sharing your story so that others that are experiencing cheating in there lives might benefit from your wisdom is a great gift. thanks for that. That is turning it around to help others and very commendable!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:34 AM.