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  #21  
Old 06-05-2013, 06:22 PM
Chimera Chimera is offline
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Originally Posted by OnTheCusp View Post
That being said, I did tell him, and he was okay with it. I have since seen Mike again, and was honest about that, too. Mike has said that both his girlfriends have expressed an interest in me. I talked to my husband about that, too, and I think I would be okay with him exploring too if I'm part of the exploration.
Oh please don't do this. Let him also be his own individual and approach relationships how he wants to just like you are. I really despise this kind of "it's okay, but only if I'm involved" kind of stance. If you both have that policy, well that's one thing, but since you are your own free agent with Mike, this reeks to me of jealousy and control. And hypocrisy.

I'm speaking from far too much experience with this kind of thing (not in my relationships but via others) and it always seems to lead to conflict. Enjoy the fact that he loves you and trusts you and show him the same respect.
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Last edited by Chimera; 06-05-2013 at 06:24 PM.
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  #22  
Old 06-05-2013, 06:59 PM
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Oh please don't do this. Let him also be his own individual and approach relationships how he wants to just like you are. I really despise this kind of "it's okay, but only if I'm involved" kind of stance. If you both have that policy, well that's one thing, but since you are your own free agent with Mike, this reeks to me of jealousy and control. And hypocrisy.

I'm speaking from far too much experience with this kind of thing (not in my relationships but via others) and it always seems to lead to conflict. Enjoy the fact that he loves you and trusts you and show him the same respect.
Hear hear. Not only that, this is an ineffective strategy for controlling jealousy. All it will do is make it so that you witness every caress, every kiss, every moan, every shudder in person... which is cool if you're just into the voyeurism and group sex aspects (though they would still deserve privacy if/when they want it), but which is *awful* if you're still dealing with jealousy/insecurity. Do you really want to be in the position to directly compare how he responds differently with her versus with you? Or how she responds differently with him than with you?
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  #23  
Old 06-05-2013, 07:51 PM
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Yes, it is completely accurate that I would like to explore poly , in a limited way (ie. with Mike) and am mortified at the thought of my husband being with anybody but me.
I did say "selfish," didn't I?

Well, if you want to explore poly, that right there is the inner work you need to do before either of you move forward toward developing relationships with other people -- letting go of needing to control whom he is with, how, and when. You participating with him doesn't address your insecurities at all.

Poly ideally is generous and loving, not hard and contained in a small box just so you can be slightly okay with it. Why not start thinking about all the wonderful things about your husband and ask yourself why other women shouldn't get to know and love such a great guy too? He is the man you love - doesn't he deserve all the love in the world directed his way, even if it isn't coming from you? Don't be so stingy and greedy, woman.

If you can boink somebody of your choosing without hubby being there with you, hubby should be able to boink someone of his choosing without you there, all eagle-eyed and making sure it meets your approval.

He isn't your possession to control.
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-05-2013 at 07:55 PM.
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  #24  
Old 06-05-2013, 10:53 PM
OnTheCusp OnTheCusp is offline
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Me, again.

Perhaps I'm too jealous to be poly. I ask you all to please remember that this is completely new to me--until a month ago, the idea never crossed my mind. I and my husband are walking into this blindly. Neither of us knows more than the other about what to do or how to do it, or whatever, and neither of us knows even a FRACTION of what you all know.

We are being honest with each other about what we're doing, and honest about what we're feeling.

Somebody mentioned being into group sex--that's an area we've both expressed an interest in, although we haven't gone any farther with that than having sex in a very public space. We've often discussed dating another couple. He's known for a long time that my ideal relationship was what I guess is called a V here? Me and two men. I never really thought it would come to fruition.

Mike and I are going to meet up on Friday for tea to discuss the protocol of what we're doing. I'd like this to be more aboveboard with his girlfriends, and I'd like to know where I fit into it. I don't think that either of us entered into this with the thought I'd be another girlfriend. It was meant to be very casual. That being said, though, it's been so much fun I don't want to walk away from it. I described it to him as being friends with benefits, but I think it'd be cool to be more, but I don't know how much more.

Whatever. What I'm telling y'all is that I'm very, very confused, and I appreciate your input and knowledge. I'm not purposefully being selfish or self-centered or anything else I've been called--I'm just muddling through.
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  #25  
Old 06-05-2013, 10:56 PM
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No worries. No one is expecting you to be perfect, even if sometimes we come off sounding judgmental. We just want to help you avoid things that seem like good ideas, but that haven't generally worked out well for others.
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  #26  
Old 06-06-2013, 12:44 AM
Chimera Chimera is offline
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Originally Posted by OnTheCusp View Post
Me, again.

Whatever. What I'm telling y'all is that I'm very, very confused, and I appreciate your input and knowledge. I'm not purposefully being selfish or self-centered or anything else I've been called--I'm just muddling through.
I know, that's why I wrote to say try to avoid that approach to things ("he can explore if I'm involved"). Not the best plan, esp. starting out.

I think wanting to be in a V relationship is fine. I have one primary long-term live-in partner and then have had the range of others from long-term "secondary" to fwb to casual sex. My partner mostly sticks to the longer-term gfs. And that's my main point. You should have your V. And let your husband figure out what he wants, feels comfortable with -- let him follow his own desires within the bounds of the agreements you both make. That's an important step -- sit down, talk, make agreements. Make them as clear as you can at this stage.

I think the very fact that you're open to thinking through all this means you probably are capable of being poly. The hardest thing to remember is that his (or your) being with someone else doesn't have to diminish the love and desire you feel for each other. It takes practice and time.
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  #27  
Old 06-06-2013, 03:01 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default The worst plan is to believe what others say

will automatically work for you. If you feel you need guidance, it may be better to meet with people in real life as it is much easier to know whether the advice givers have as much experience in their seemingly knowledgeable words.

The only thing you can tell for sure online, if that they have spent a lot of time posting about polyamory.

It really doesn't matter what you call whatever flavor of non-monogamy you explore. There has been an explosion of sorts in occurrences within the last five or so years of non-underground discussions of the many different ways to practice non-monogamy.

Boards like this are great to get others perspectives, but when you start believing that you must do this or have to do that will only serve to implant a false set of beliefs that may or may not prove harmful.

If you are going to take any advice to heart, you should know that honesty really is the best policy, but it can actually work against you if not everyone you are involved with behaves the same way.

The honor system can be devastating when it is taken advantage of by dishonorable behavior (which may even be unintentional, but still just as devastating). Being involved with the right people is fairly important. As it can make or break your experience.

The other good advice, is to be cautious, when married couples "open" up their relationships, non-monogamy typically makes or breaks it. So just know that it shouldn't be entered lightly as people are only able to figure out how to "sail the non-monogamous waters" successfully the second time around. By that I mean many couples end up doing irreparable damage to their existing relationships. Few previously monogamous couples end up staying together as the little mishaps can be impossible to just "get over it" and staying together ends up more like a roommates living situation as opposed to marriage. But there too, it depends on what the relationship word "marriage" means to you. Some people can only stay together when the marriage is more like a business partnership, and some need need for their spouse to be more intimate than that. It isn't all that rare that for two couples to literally swap wives, permanently and continue along in poly or whatever term you call your non-monogamous practice

Not to discount some of the others advice, but you don't need to play by their rules unless you are involved with polyamorously involved in real life with them.

Those who understand how difficult of a transition mono to poly can be, will understand and be patient with you. I should throw in the disclaimor that for all the relationships that introducing non-monogamy wrecked, I am of the opinion there were reasons that could have been avoided.

In general it's because they were practicing non-monogamy in a way that doesn't work for them. Anyway that doesn't work for all involved parties, is the wrong way, and whatever way works for you and all parties involved is the right way.

the same goes with the people who are the said involved parties. The wrong people won't work in life no matter what you do or how much you change your perspective. Some people are compatible when anybody and they can make it work or at least fool themselves into believing it is working out OK, while others have spent years in poly hell, until they met the right people, but will tell you they wouldn't be non-monogamous today if it weren't for so and so being a party involved with or a supporting member of their relationships.

I once heard someone describe it as your relationship being a glass or ceramic plate that will get shattered. You want to make sure you are with people who will be patient enough to help you pick up all the pieces and be willing to stay still long enough with you for the glue to dry.

and that takes genuine concern along with patience, some people refer to it as "Love". It isn't possible to reap the rewards if you can't be committed to stay for parts that are not fun, the parts that suck, and it is devastating with lasting effects when you find yourself doing it alone, having support really helps, and supportive people don't do things that make your life hard. Supportive people don't "teach you lessons" they are willing to walk through the hardships with you, those are the people whose advice is priceless.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 06-06-2013 at 03:28 AM. Reason: typos and a joker mod who thinks he's funny
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  #28  
Old 06-06-2013, 03:14 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Few previously monogamous couples end up staying together...
Can you link to a study showing this to be true or is it a case of "87% of quoted statistics are made up on the spot"?
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  #29  
Old 06-06-2013, 03:54 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default Funny you should ask

it comes from my personal observations and experiences with non-monogamy. So while my opinion based on my experience will only carry as much weight as those who trust my opinion, as the five or six instances I am talking about certainly do not equal any study.

The funny part is that any study that I have seen, carries less weight in truth than what I am saying. It's because the studies are done by people who preformed the "study" in ways that completely invalidate it's assertions. It is the main reason that discipline of psychiatry and psychology are so far behind other science disciplines. It is because so much of the "work" that is done and heavily influences the field, is anything but science.

When there is no correction taken into account that people who are dishonest, don't understand, or aren't willing to do what is necessary to ensure they the situation is understood by all, and intentionally communicated to eliminate as much confusion as possible, studies can be less accurate and less useful than wild guesses.

The problem with psychology is all the psychology behind the "research"
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  #30  
Old 06-06-2013, 04:03 AM
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With a sample size of six it's misleading of you to make such pronouncements as if they are objective truths.
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