Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 06-04-2013, 04:16 PM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richardson, TX
Posts: 1,308
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I have been a lot happier since i discovered that i am NOT a goal-oriented individual and that the whole goal-setting culture was driving me crazy. However, i do think that for individuals who ARE goal-oriented, NOT setting/reaching goals can drive THEM crazy. It's important to figure out which personality type you are, but be honest with yourself, don't let people's image or expectations of you get in the way.

I am almost out of time, i have to wrap this up now. But i will reflect on ways to build self-esteem and try to come back with specific suggestions for the "type B" personality.
Ooh I like it, I'm curious to hear the path to self-esteem for the non-goal-oriented personality.
__________________
Independent (Anarchist) Non-Monogamy

Me: male, 40, straight, single
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 06-04-2013, 11:01 PM
mricha711 mricha711 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 12
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Dating is difficult and frustrating. I live in a city with a substantial poly community and it's still painful. And the reason it is painful is me. I am fairly introverted and interacting with large groups or with people I don't know at all is just not my strong suit. And there is the fact that I meet very few people that I 'click' with romantically. It just doesn't happen that often even if I am very social.

Geography is often a limiting factor. But before you write off your surroundings as the issue, take a look inward. I'm the reason dating is hard for me. I gently suggest thinking about how you may be making dating hard for you. Of course, the things making dating difficult for you may not be all that changeable. I, for instance, am not going to be raging social butterfly anytime soon. But think about it. We often get in our own way.

I notice that sometimes people take this compatibility thing a bit far. There might really only be 9 possibly compatable folks in your area. Or your criteria might be a bit too stringent, too particular, too detailed. Take a chance on someone who may not be an obvious match for you.

You may also need to get out of the poly ghetto. There are obvious advantages to seeking someone who is already poly. And there are obvious disadvantages to 'converting' someone who is not currently poly. However, if you are upfront and honest, you may find men and women willing to give some thought to this poly business and see how it goes. You will be automatically ruled out by many right away. That sucks. But eventually someone will take a chance.

And finally, dating in one's early 20s just sucks. Sorry man.

Good luck!
Oh, I'm definitely good at interacting with large groups of people. I like talking to tons of people no matter where I go. The thing is, I'm really good at making friends. And having lots of friends is, quite frankly, really awesome

It isn't that there are only 9 compatible people in my area. It's that there are 9 compatible people in my area on Okcupid. Which are two VERY different things. Lol.

I kind of see being in the "poly ghetto" pretty essential to the kind of relationship dynamic I would want anyway, even if it's going to limit my dating pool drastically. I'm not someone who wants to start dating someone and hope it develops into polyamory, because I would be unfair to the other person. I'm not someone who likes to waste people's time, so even though I'm willing to bend on lots of other things, I feel like I should be upfront about 2 things: the fact that I'm bisexual, and the fact that I'm poly. If they don't accept those two things about me from the beginning, it's probably never ever going to work.

And dating in your early 20s may suck...but isn't it better than dating in your late 40s? There's a lot of ageism in the dating world. Not that I'm in the "dating world" anyway. Lol.

Good luck to you as well.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 06-04-2013, 11:05 PM
mricha711 mricha711 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 12
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I'm in Mass (near Boston) and I've dated guys from NH. Most of them have to look towards Mass and be willing to travel. We're just a cooler, more liberal bunch down here, face it!
That's part of my problem too. I think I would have no problem dating in Mass, but there's no way I would move there because I love my life here. And as for travelling...I don't know how to drive!!! And southern New Hampshire has almost no public transportation. The closest train station is a 9-hour walk away from my house. I wish I was making up the fact that I know that.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 06-04-2013, 11:17 PM
mricha711 mricha711 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 12
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post

2) you won't like hearing this but it's very important that you realize how desperate you come across in your original post. People can sense that and you might as well be covered in feces because it has the same effect on them.

3) i'm not sure what your "criteria" are, but it's possible that you are limiting yourself by only considering certain ages, races, sexual orientations, body types, etc.
Oh trust me, I'm not as bitter as when I wrote this at 4 in the morning after an hour of looking through manhunt profiles. Lol! In real life, I probably come off so non-desperate that people think I'm an independent free-spirit who's not interested in dating at all. Which might be part of the problem.

As for my criteria, like I said before, it's not too stringent. When it comes to age, I don't care if someone is 18 or in their 60s. I'm attracted to people of all body types and races and genders too. I only have a few basic and obvious dating criteria that come down to basic respect for myself: they have to be okay with me being bisexual. They have to be open to polyamory (and not just cheating on their partners). We have to have some common interests, whatever they may be. They have to be out of the closet if it's a man; I don't want to be anyone's secret. And (here's the biggest limiting factor) they have be within walking distance of my house, or travel a lot. That being said, I'm not terribly picky, other than a preference for people who don't smoke.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 06-04-2013, 11:21 PM
mricha711 mricha711 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 12
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
That's true Opal. OP, do a Google search for online dating profiles; I'll bet you find some mistakes you can stop making.

For example:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-reason...-isnt-working/
I love Cracked. Oh dear God, I can't stand people in online dating profiles who are that insensitive and stupid. Yet that seems to be what I'm surrounded by. If I hear the phrase "friend zone" one more time, I may have to figuratively clock someone.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 06-04-2013, 11:41 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

I don't know what else to tell you. You have made a set of choices that severely circumscribe your dating pool. What do you think you can expect? Plus, they have to come to YOU? Lol. The only thing i can suggest you do is to stop "looking". That's the only thing that really works, anyway. But you have to REALLY not be looking, you can't fake not looking because it doesn't work that way.

Marcus, i'll get with you in PM about the whole self-esteem and goal topic. Don't want to hijack this dude's thread, yo.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 06-05-2013, 12:00 AM
mricha711 mricha711 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 12
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I don't know what else to tell you. You have made a set of choices that severely circumscribe your dating pool. What do you think you can expect? Plus, they have to come to YOU? Lol. The only thing i can suggest you do is to stop "looking". That's the only thing that really works, anyway. But you have to REALLY not be looking, you can't fake not looking because it doesn't work that way.
So this thread has pretty much confirmed what I already know. Lol. But somehow I feel better about it. Thanks everyone.

Seems like I'm gonna look forward to the single life for a few more decades Haha.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 06-05-2013, 12:42 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: East Coast, U.S.
Posts: 352
Default

I was going to suggest that you set up a dating profile in the Boston area because that city is crawling with poly & bi folks...that's what I did even though I live an hour and a half outside of Boston (in southern RI)...but since you can't drive, um, no, that won't work.

Seriously, how do you even live in NH if you can't drive? That's nuts. Do you have any plans to learn to drive?

I don't think you come across as desperate--I think you're right in that you come across as too independent & free-spirited. (I have much the same problem). I think it's awesome that you are clear about knowing who you are (bi and poly) and what you looking for (poly and bi-friendly). I wouldn't compromise on those things. I too would rather be single forever than monogamous. And you will eventually come across people who appreciate you for who you are.

However. You're gonna have to a) learn to drive and get a car, or b) move to an area with public transportation. There are really only those two options. How could ANYONE hope to find someone who lives within walking distance of their house???????

Or, make fliers out of your OK Cupid profile and shove them in all the mailboxes you can walk to near your house.
__________________
Single, straight, female, solo, non-monogamous.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 06-05-2013, 02:08 AM
mricha711 mricha711 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 12
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post

Seriously, how do you even live in NH if you can't drive? That's nuts. Do you have any plans to learn to drive?

You're gonna have to a) learn to drive and get a car, or b) move to an area with public transportation. There are really only those two options. How could ANYONE hope to find someone who lives within walking distance of their house???????
)
To be fair, "walking distance" for me is a 12-15 mile radius. I regularly walk 3-4 hours straight to go to parties or visit friends. You're totally right though, if I'm waiting for more public transportation to come to NH, I'm gonna be waiting a long time. I guess I'm just kind of stubborn like that.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 06-05-2013, 05:36 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,345
Arrow

Quote:
Originally Posted by mricha711 View Post
Oh, I'm definitely good at interacting with large groups of people. I like talking to tons of people no matter where I go. The thing is, I'm really good at making friends. And having lots of friends is, quite frankly, really awesome

It isn't that there are only 9 compatible people in my area. It's that there are 9 compatible people in my area on Okcupid. Which are two VERY different things. Lol.

I kind of see being in the "poly ghetto" pretty essential to the kind of relationship dynamic I would want anyway, even if it's going to limit my dating pool drastically. I'm not someone who wants to start dating someone and hope it develops into polyamory, because I would be unfair to the other person. I'm not someone who likes to waste people's time, so even though I'm willing to bend on lots of other things, I feel like I should be upfront about 2 things: the fact that I'm bisexual, and the fact that I'm poly. If they don't accept those two things about me from the beginning, it's probably never ever going to work.

And dating in your early 20s may suck...but isn't it better than dating in your late 40s? There's a lot of ageism in the dating world. Not that I'm in the "dating world" anyway. Lol.

Good luck to you as well.
Oh good - you aren't dysfunctionally picky - I see that too often. And you should not hide either your poly-ness or your bisexuality. What I meant by the poly ghetto is confining yourself only to those folks who already identify as poly. I totally agree - be open and honest. When you can be open and honest with people who aren't poly - you may be surprised who turns out to be willing to consider the idea.

Awesome on having lots of friends! Now (read in your best Jewish mom voice) why aren't you dating your friends? Too many lesbian peeps? Too monogamous? All of your friends can't be lesbian monogamists! Go ask your lesbian peeps where their hot bro friends are. No sizzle with friends? Happens - I personally think the friend zone is a fine place to be. But getting to know someone deeply can move the sizzle needle. Almost all of my lovers or partners were friends first.

Yeah the transportation thing may be crippling. That alone would either lead me to learn to drive (I didn't get my license until 24 but lived in big cities with subways and buses) or move to places with public transportation.

I've found that, for me, dating in my early 40s is so much better than dating in early 20s. I know myself so much better now and have so much more capacity for relationships and such than I did 20 years ago. There is all this learning about who you are in one's 20s that it can weirdly get in the way of relationships. To use an inadequate analogy - learning about yourself, becoming who you are takes bandwidth. Relationships take bandwidth. It is certainly possible - and probably best - to do both simultaneously. Bandwidth management is a skill that usually needs time and experience to do well. For me, it was very difficult to do both with any grace. Your mileage will vary.

Ageism happens - that mid twenties guy just may not be into 40 year olds. Or some older people disparage younger people as foolish and silly. (There is no age limit in that!) 20 somethings sometimes bore me and vice versa. Still now is better than then. The only thing I would want from my 20 something self would be my knees.

Hey, we could do a longitudinal study! Report back in 20 years on your experiences and I will let you know what dating in one's 60s feels like. Deal?
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
dating

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:39 PM.