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Old 05-30-2013, 05:28 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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Default My husband is moving faster than I am!

I am currently in a triad situation. I have been married for 13 years, and am just realizing I have been poly the entire time. The only difference is that now there is a physical relationship with my bf that I never had before.

My husband is doing fabulously and really enjoys the time we spend all together. He was VERY sad and lonely when D and I had to leave to come home on Monday.

Anyway, in the beginning, my husband was confused that we had decided not to have sex for a while and asked quite frequently. Now before anyone jumps on that, although it was quite annoying he was struggling a bit with this situation at the beginning. He is past that and realizes that he was imposing his will in a place he didn't belong (It took some working out at first).

Then, he meets D and asks why he didn't have a key yet since he was over so often. I told him because I have been with him less than 2 months and I didn't want him to have a key. Then, after this weekend he asked if I would like to consider getting something a little larger than we had originally planned when he moves here and asking if he would like to stay in a house with us instead of a cruddy apartment.

I mean seriously?? Its only be 8 weeks!! Why is he even bringing this up when he won't be here until November at least?

Finally, the Coup de gras. On our way home last weekend, D decides he is going to have a talk with me that I had determined I would hold off on. He describes our situation as poly and was quite clear when I asked him if he knew what he was saying. I told my SO, who was quite pleased because he knew I wanted to see if we were all on the same page but didn't want to force labels onto anything. My SO seems genuinely happy but then goes on to call him FAMILY. I mean... I mean.... I don't even know what to say. So we wound up in a fight. I told him that I would determine what direction my relationship took and I was tired of him making those calls. I told him, he was attempting to control the situation and I didn't appreciate it and couldn't accept it.

What bothers me about this is that I believe he is mono but is okay with the fact that I am poly (and always have been). However, now he has decided he is poly too (I truly believe its the "well if she can have it" mentality and not actual poly).

Why do I believe this? Everything I told you above. I don't mind if he finds a poly situation, or a FWB or chooses to do nothing at all, so long as he is happy. However, this mentality he has shown me scares the ever loving crap out of me. Serious? Does he think being poly means that after 2 months people just step into the family and have the right to make major decisions that could affect everything you have worked so hard for? I tell you what, if he thinks after 2 months some other person is going to step in and make calls on what I have worked for YEARS to build, he has another think coming.

Edit: Sorry I had to rant a bit. Thanks for reading. Has anyone else had this issue?
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Last edited by LadySFI; 05-30-2013 at 06:41 PM.
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Old 05-31-2013, 12:54 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by LadySFI View Post
My SO seems genuinely happy but then goes on to call him FAMILY. I mean... I mean.... I don't even know what to say. So we wound up in a fight. I told him that I would determine what direction my relationship took and I was tired of him making those calls. I told him, he was attempting to control the situation and I didn't appreciate it and couldn't accept it.
Why did it turn into a fight? Sounds like the perfect opportunity to have a discussion if everyone can calm down for a second.

Why are you so concerned about how fast he moves with D? I mean, I get having an opinion about who gets a key to the apartment because that's where you sleep and keep your stuff... but what do you care how close he gets to D or how long it takes?

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Originally Posted by LadySFI View Post
What bothers me about this is that I believe he is mono but is okay with the fact that I am poly (and always have been). However, now he has decided he is poly too (I truly believe its the "well if she can have it" mentality and not actual poly).
He sounds pretty poly to me.

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Originally Posted by LadySFI View Post
Does he think being poly means that after 2 months people just step into the family and have the right to make major decisions that could affect everything you have worked so hard for? I tell you what, if he thinks after 2 months some other person is going to step in and make calls on what I have worked for YEARS to build, he has another think coming.

Edit: Sorry I had to rant a bit. Thanks for reading. Has anyone else had this issue?
Well, I hope your rant has helped you calm down a bit. Until you can get out of freak-out mode your decisions are probably going to all be pretty stupid. That's just how it works being an emotional wreck.

How fast a relationship moves naturally varies from person to person and even couple to couple. I've moved WAY TOO fast with some partners and at snails pace with others - who knows why.

If you are becoming uncomfortable I would suggest figuring out why first. Your rant is pretty jumbled, there is lots of wild emotion tied up in it, and I'm guessing there is some history in there that we are not getting. Calm down, do some thinking about what you want and stop concentrating quite so much on what your husband wants. He sounds like he's got it pretty much figured out... you are the one that could benefit from a bit of self-examination.

Of the horror stories I have seen on this site yours is pretty tame. Love is running rampant in your life!! Egad!! You'll be ok, just take a minute, do some thinking, and take responsibility for what you discover about yourself.
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Old 05-31-2013, 02:32 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Just to clear things up, is this actually a triad -- meaning your husband is also involved romantically with your bf -- or a vee -- meaning you're involved with two people who are not romantically involved with each other? My sense is that it's the latter. If it were the former, it would still be a problem for your husband to be pushing the relationship forward faster than you were ready for, but it would also be his relationship, and therefore his right to have a say in it. However, if this is, in fact, a vee, I agree with you that he really needs to butt out.

This should be a simple enough conversation. "Hey hubs. I've noticed you seeming to want to integrate D into our lives very quickly. This is my relationship, and I move a lot more slowly than that. I'm not ready to give someone a key or call them family after two months. I need you to accept that and not try to rush things along. It's a matter of respect for me. Are we cool?" Do you think he would respond well to that? If so, well, obviously, go ahead and say it! But if not, why not? Does he often feel a sense of entitlement to direct things in your life? Or is this specific to poly... do you think that trying to maintain an element of control helps him be ok with things? Or maybe he finds the idea of you in love with another man to be exciting/fulfilling in ways he didn't expect, and is just a little drunk off the surprise-compersion?

I do think it's valid to worry that he'll get swept up in NRE in his own poly relationship(s), should he choose to give that a try, since he seems to expect you to be getting swept up. Again, I would just talk to him about your concerns -- that it's ok for him to move swiftly in terms of his own relationship, but that in terms of your space and your shared life, you need things to move more deliberately and slowly, and with more mutual consultation. Are these are words you think he'll be capable of hearing and understanding?
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Old 05-31-2013, 12:27 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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Marcus,

Could you please expand on a few things you said?

1. How does he sound pretty poly?
2. I am not sure exactly how he has it pretty much figured out. He is jumping into calling people family after 2 months for goodness sake. Thats scary, not rational. Could you elaborate?

This is more than about just a key. You don't just give people full access to a life you worked hard to build after 2 months. The fact that he is willing to dive in head first is scary. Its not like its just our lives that could get screwed up here. We have a 9 year old son and you don't just dive into things head first when there are children involved.
Also, you are darn right there is history there. My heart is still broken over my last amore of 7 years. We let him into the family and my son still asks when he is going to see his uncle again.

3. How am I an emotional wreck? Thats a little strong don't you think?
4. The last paragraph made me laugh. EGAD!!
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Old 05-31-2013, 12:41 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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Annabel,

The two of them do have a relationship, it is sexual but not necessarily romantic in the traditional sense. I had this conversation with him, and he agreed. He said it was his way of trying to have control and he agreed it was wrong and would try to butt out.

I am concerned about his potential attempt at a poly relationship. However, we will have to see where that takes us. I want him to have the chance to discover what works for him. I will do my best to butt out, just like I am asking him to do. I just absolutely will not let another person step in and dictate how my family functions at this point. That doesn't seem unreasonable does it? What we spent 13 years building should not be subject to "experimentation" while we uncover what works best for us.

NRE is nice, but we are not 16 with no responsibility to anyone but ourselves. We have a family to provide for and protect. I firmly believe that is primary above all else. I don't think its healthy to just move people into and out of a child's life calling them family. I am not around my husband and son that frequently (we live in different cities). I just don't want every woman he dates to become Aunt blah blah after a month.

I have been hurt enough that I do move more deliberately and slowly. After 2 months, I am just becoming ready to admit I have feelings about D. I am surprised that my husband doesn't realize this (he knows I am usually pretty guarded). It is a conversation we should probably have as well.
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LadySFI- me; Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".

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Courage isn't the absence of fear, but the judgement that something else is more important than fear. -Ambrose Redmoon
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Old 05-31-2013, 01:59 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LadySFI View Post
We have a 9 year old son and you don't just dive into things head first when there are children involved.
Also, you are darn right there is history there. My heart is still broken over my last amore of 7 years. We let him into the family and my son still asks when he is going to see his uncle again.
Hang on. You had another bf? Was this a non-sexual best friend/love? Why don't you see him anymore? Is it just because you went away to school? How did you explain his loss to your son?

Also:

Quote:
The two of them do have a relationship, it is sexual but not necessarily romantic in the traditional sense. I had this conversation with him, and he agreed. He said it was his way of trying to have control and he agreed it was wrong and would try to butt out.

I am concerned about his potential attempt at a poly relationship. However, we will have to see where that takes us.
Sounds like he's already in a poly relationship, even if you call it non-traditional. Haha, what is traditional in poly?

He might be feeling his own NRE for your bf, even if it's more of a "bromance" and not what YOU call poly. There's still sex and some feelings involved.

Sometimes we set aside same sex relationships as "not really counting," but think again!

But certainly, think of your son feelings too, about the adults in his life. Many poly people with young kids make sure to have a rule about when it's appropriate to introduce a new lover to their young children, because young kids do bond, and do get upset if a lover moves on.
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Old 05-31-2013, 04:19 PM
peabean peabean is offline
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Well, if he has a sexual relationship with D, doesn't he get a say too? It seems maybe your husband has NRE with this man.

Even though your husband admitted to trying to 'control' the relationship, it could be that he is falling for D romantically and feeling left out. That might explain why he wants things to move faster, even though you see D as 'your' boyfriend.
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Old 05-31-2013, 04:45 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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[QUOTE=Magdlyn;207454]Hang on. You had another bf? Was this a non-sexual best friend/love? Why don't you see him anymore? Is it just because you went away to school? How did you explain his loss to your son?

I wouldn't call him a boyfriend. I didn't realize we were in a non-sexual poly relationship. I should have, everyone called him my second husband. If he was on the phone at work and my hubby needed to talk to me he could take the phone out of his hands and know I was on the other end.

He started becoming very selfish. He missed my graduation and instead of saying sorry, just made excuses. I could never get him to come visit and when I told him about all of this because I was getting major surgery (I had been holding it in, but it was my first surgery so I was worried I may not come out). So we had a talk. He was so self absorbed that when I told him I was telling him now because of my impending surgery, he didn't even ask me what surgery I needed. I told him that until he could apologize, I didn't need to be around someone who treated me like that. This conversation happened in March 2012. I still haven't gotten an I'm sorry. I guess I knew it was official when I didn't even get a happy mothers day text from him this year. When we first met, I was pregnant and he helped my SO and I raise our son.

I am sad to say that because of the way it slowly phazed out, my son and I never talked about it. He hears me mention Uncle ___ from time to time, but I still have problems not tearing up. I was head over heels in love with this guy. Still am. I think I always will be, but I am NOT going to let someone walk on me.

The point about the SO being poly is well received. I never really thought about it that way. The bf actually referred to their first movie together as a date at one point (even jokingly). I will think on this further.
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Old 06-04-2013, 12:27 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Originally Posted by LadySFI View Post
1. How does he sound pretty poly?
I'm not sure exactly what definition you are looking for but there aren't a lot of qualifiers for being poly, only that you believe that you can love more than one person at a time and that the ability to do so is preferable. Unless I misread what you've said, he has pretty clearly stated that this is the case with him.

Is the problem that you think he's lying to you about his desires or his changed worldview?

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Originally Posted by LadySFI View Post
2. I am not sure exactly how he has it pretty much figured out. He is jumping into calling people family after 2 months for goodness sake. Thats scary, not rational. Could you elaborate?
I don't think that being rational is a requirement for making decision and then taking action. He sounds like he knows what he wants and is bounding carefree toward that end. You may disagree on whether or not this is a good idea but that doesn't change the fact that he looks like a man who knows what he wants and is taking action to get it - thus, "has it pretty much figured out"

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This is more than about just a key. You don't just give people full access to a life you worked hard to build after 2 months.
Maybe you don't, but your husband sounds like he would.

What is it you are going to do about your feelings? He's made his interest pretty clear... now what?

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Originally Posted by LadySFI View Post
We have a 9 year old son and you don't just dive into things head first when there are children involved.
Wait, is his bf dangerous? Is there something you fear he's going to do to your children? If you have some reason to believe his is going to create some kind of legitimate threat to your children then you need to intercede before something terrible happens!!

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Originally Posted by LadySFI View Post
Also, you are darn right there is history there. My heart is still broken over my last amore of 7 years. We let him into the family and my son still asks when he is going to see his uncle again.
So answer the question he's asking... what's the issue? I don't understand how a child experiencing loss is something to avoid at all costs. Do you really want your child to become an adult having never experienced the slight discomfort of someone being in his life and then not being in his life? I would consider this to be a very minor discomfort from which a child needs to learn... shielding them from it is shielding them from growth; which I consider to be far more harmful.
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Old 06-04-2013, 01:10 PM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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I'm not sure exactly what definition you are looking for but there aren't a lot of qualifiers for being poly, only that you believe that you can love more than one person at a time and that the ability to do so is preferable. Unless I misread what you've said, he has pretty clearly stated that this is the case with him.

Is the problem that you think he's lying to you about his desires or his changed worldview?
He is clearly stating this. However, I believed he was deluding himself. We will see. In the past few days, we have had some discussions that seem to make this not the case.

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What is it you are going to do about your feelings? He's made his interest pretty clear... now what?
I am going to continue to move at my pace because my relationship with my bf is not going to be pushed so hard or fast it just falls apart. However, I did give him a key because he is going to be taking care of my critters while I am away next week. Now I have to decide if I am taking it back.


No, our BF is not dangerous. As a matter of fact he is GREAT with our son. However, you don't just randomly introduce strangers into your childs life when you have romantic involvement. Kids pick up on that kind of thing and you need to take some time and be sure this one has the potential to be around for a bit. Its just like dating in the single life. I don't believe that every date a parent has needs to come home to their kids.



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understand how a child experiencing loss is something to avoid at all costs. Do you really want your child to become an adult having never experienced the slight discomfort of someone being in his life and then not being in his life? I would consider this to be a very minor discomfort from which a child needs to learn... shielding them from it is shielding them from growth; which I consider to be far more harmful.
I am avoiding this discussion for my sake. Every time I bring it up it makes me hurt and I am not completely willing to admit its over I suppose. My son has experienced an inordinate amount of loss being a military child, so I doubt his growth will be stunted because of yet another loss.
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